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Husband Never Speaks To Me

My husband of 12 years never talks to me, and when he does it's like a big effort to do so. If I try to kiss him he rolls his eyes and says hurry up. No matter what I try it doesn't work. What is happening?

Moderator - Is he having an affair?

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 ---terry on 7/17/07
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Marital therapy sounds like a really good idea right now.
---Madison1101 on 4/23/08

"A man could always dig a ditch to support his family, but a woman needed an education."

Why is this any less sexist than "a woman can always be a stay-at-home mom, but a man needs an education so he can get a decent job and support his family properly rather than being one of the "working poor"."
---Ktisophilos on 7/29/07

Wimpy pastors (who are supposed to be "shepherds") illustrate the fact that kindness to wolves often means cruelty to the sheep.
---Ktisophilos on 7/27/07

Women should have the right to careers. But they should also have the right to be stay-at-home moms. They should not be forced from the latter by unfair government policies that tax poorer single-income families to subsidize childcare for richer double-income families. But leading feminists support this injustice, because without this, "too many women would make the choice to stay home and care for their children" (Simone de Beauvoir).
---Ktisophilos on 7/27/07


I.e. feminists do NOT support choice for women (except to kill their unborn). They oppose a homemaker's voucher that would give mothers, especially those in low-income groups, a real choice between caring for their children themselves or seeking careers and using the allowance to pay the cost of child-care fees.
---Ktisophilos on 7/27/07

Yes, I know. But it is time something good happened in your life, don't you think?
---Dave on 7/26/07

Dave: I agree that my ex was adulterous while dating prior to our divorce. Our pastor and deacons were wimps when it came to letting him return to our church to worship during our separation.

My ex is a Christian. We were baptized together when we were dating.

All I was trying to do was point out that not all men believe that women should stay home and not have careers or get a college education, and that this thinking went back generations in his family, to his great-grandfather.
---Madison1101 on 7/26/07

Madison, if you were not divorced and he started dating, that is an affair.
Physically moving out the house is meaningless. That's adultery any way you cut it. Married is married and divorced is divorced. It sounds like he was ready to pounce on someone he already had his sights on.
Moving out, even a legal separation is not divorced. Anything less than divorce is adultery.
---Dave on 7/26/07

Sparing your feelings? I don't think so.

This is where people go wrong when they want to live together and consider it a marriage.
God hates divorce. To get a divorce, you have to have a marriage in the first place.

If he wasn't divorced from you, it was an affair and adultery. God doesn't make exceptions because he packed his suitcase and moved down the street.
---Dave on 7/26/07

The truth will set you free. When you are able to see this for what it really was, I think you'll be able to move on. I don't think you're over it. I have read that "God doesn't want to share you with anyone one". I do think there are some walls still in place because of what this man did, adultery.
The truth will help you tear down the walls of deception. Sometimes we have to turn around and look at our mess before any new doors will ever open.
---Dave on 7/26/07

Your children are grown, you don't have to idealise your ex's life/intelligence/ethics and decisions any more.
The way you've built up his family and all of their progressive thinking about life is idealization. He's up there on a pedestal, why? Is your ex a Christian? All of the rest of it is hay, wood, and stubble without Christ. A walking brain without Jesus Christ means little.
---Dave on 7/26/07

Dave: I am not still in love with him. I do still care about him, as he is the father of my children, and the grandfather of my granddaughter. I do not wish him ill.

He stayed with me for 25 years and waited till all of our kids were graduated high school before leaving. He did not have an affair, as a lot of men do, but waited till he was moved out of our home to start dating. I do not condone this, but understand that he did try to respect me in spite of how he felt.
---Madison1101 on 7/25/07

Madison, progressive thinking didn't equate to bulldog tenacity on his part to hold onto the marriage. It appears you're still in love with this man. I'm not nearly as impressed with his new marriage vs. using all of that brain power to work through problems.
---Dave on 7/25/07

Dave: My husband was a progressive thinker. His great-grandfather believed that if a man could only pay to educate one of his children, he should educate the daughter before the sons. He said that a man could always dig a ditch to support his family, but a woman needed an education.
---Madison1101 on 7/24/07

#2: My husband expected me to help support our family when the kids were younger, and also to put them through college. He expected me to earn a decent salary and that required a college degree.

His new wife is a college professor, so I guess that tells you how much he values education.
---Madison1101 on 7/24/07

#3: All of the women in my husband's family worked outside the home, his mother did from the time he was 2, his grandmother was a teacher, his aunts and cousins all worked outside the home. It was just assumed that the wife would go to college and work. That was the entire family's belief system concerning college, and careers. He agreed with it, as did all the men in his family.
---Madison1101 on 7/24/07

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Terry, hey girl! I hope I didn't hurt your feelings with my Dear Abby line. I just didn't want you to do anything drastic or hasty based on something we might have said. I realize it's a confusing time for you, and it's nice to have someone to bounce it off of. There's nothing wrong with sharing, I just wanted to encourage you to go to the scriptures, and seek out wisdom from on high. God is with you. Seek his face, he'll show himself to you, and bring you comfort along the way.
---Kady on 7/24/07

It sounds good on paper, Madison. Was your husband preparing you for divorce long before you ever knew it - telling you that you needed an education.
He might have been planning it in his head, your education made it easier.
If that is the case, I imagine he found another woman immediately once you were finished. It happens every day, and also to women who put their husbands through college. I can think of numerous men who left their wives after the diplomma.
---Dave on 7/24/07

Madison, your education didn't save your marriage. I've read over and over how wonderful your husband was to encourage you, but don't confuse the two. I think he was planning his escape for a long time. If he could hardly wait to find a girlfriend before the divorce was final, there you go. I assume he remarried. If so, does he encourage the new wife in her education/career? Does he want her out of the home and financially indepedent because of his progressive thinking?
---Dave on 7/24/07

Boredom is a sign of an affair.
Anger, short tempers and disgust. I know a man who was having so many affairs at his workplace, he finally divorced, threw away his family and career. He ran off with a young woman, remarried and started a new family. He threw everything away because of boredom. His son went to military school and he never bothered going to the graduation. He abandoned the entire family. He also had been encouraging his former wife to seek a higher education to support herself.
---Dave on 7/24/07

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Madison: marriage therapy is sound advice, hopefully Christian therapy is in mind here. Sorry that your husband didn't do the right thing by you.
---Ktisophilos on 7/24/07

Pray for him, for I am in a simular situation. I know how you feel, but God is faithful. The Lord will never put more on you than you can stand. God will help you to bear it by His Grace. Be patient..
---Cynthia on 7/22/07

terry please email me!
---Cams on 7/22/07

KT: My advice, my original answer was for this woman to seek marital therapy. There is nothing wrong with that advice for any couple.

Just because my husband went through a mid-life crisis, after being married since he was 17 years old, does not disqualify me from giving advice. He rejected several pastor's counsel on obeying God's Word and filing for divorce. That does not disqualify me from sharing advice here.
---Madison1101 on 7/22/07

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1. What does he enjoy doing? and have you showed an interest in doing that?
2. Have you tried to spend time with him in his presence but not talking?
4. How was work is not a good lead in when someone is just glad to be off work. how about reading the sports page before he does and saying... so what do you think about that game?

I'm not married. PRAY and make sure you are not stressed, not nagging, and know that no matter what, God loves you, and HE has the answer.
---rahshida on 7/21/07

Madison: it is someone difficult to take advice on marriage from someone who was not successful at it, for whatever reason.

I have no problem with wives having education and careers, as I said. There is a problem if careers change a spouse so much that the marriage is put under strain.
---Ktisophilos on 7/20/07

KT: What does the fact that my marriage ended in divorce have to do with my statements about women getting an education and working? Nothing. My husband left for reasons other than my career. The reasons are none of your business. The fact that my marriage ended amicably is really none of your concern either.
---Madison1101 on 7/20/07

Mary, Thanks sometimes people like me feel like they are the only one this is happening too. I'am not looking for a Dear Abby, truth is... other than prayer i really don't know what I'am looking for. This is the first time I have ever been on a blog.So I hope I'am doing it right. anyway thanks
---terry on 7/20/07

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Nothing wrong with a wife having an education or career. But it's not very encouraging that Madison talks so glowingly about what her ex-husband advised when they later split.
---Ktisophilos on 7/20/07

COUNT your Blessings. Are you saved? If you are, ask God to deliver you, believe me He will. If you are not saved, you in bad trouble all the way around. And I do feel for you.++
---catherine on 7/19/07

Dear Terry, my heart goes out to you, I have been in your shoes--it's called emotional abuse. When a man (or a woman to be fair)spends all the time either ignoring you or yelling at you, or cutting you down in some way, it's abuse. And as for John, I won't dignify his comments with an answer lol
---Mary on 7/19/07

John..Iagree with your idea on woman should take care of the home, ect. I don't want to be his buddy or pal. I would love to be his wife.let me ask you what if your wife ask you (how was you day) how would you answer her.Would you throw the answer at her like a ton of bricks.This is on everything he also stays in the garage from 7 til 9 or until i go to bed. Do you think this is normal
---terry on 7/19/07

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Terry, with all due respect to the others on this blog, I wouldn't treat these answers as God's answer to your prayers. We can give our opinions, scriptures, and every now and then some wisdom, but something like this takes more than a line or two of blogging. Talk to your husband, lay it all out there, try to get to the bottom of this. Pray for him, pray for you, pray for it. But don't let a "Dear Abby" form your life decisions. Go to the Bible, and wait on God.
---Kady on 7/19/07

Susie: I used to be married, but am no longer. When I was married, my husband had a lot of great ideas about women and believed that women should pursue an education and work outside the home. I am grateful for that because now that we are divorced I have a career that is good and can support myself.
---Madison1101 on 7/19/07

Madison...I didn't know you are married.
---Susie on 7/18/07

John: How is your answer related at all to the question? It sounds like you just like to spout off what women should be doing according to you. I thank God my husband did not demand I stay home. He insisted I go to college and start a career.
---Madison1101 on 7/18/07

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I don't know if he is having an affair.As far as being a wife i try my best to.I have prayed about this for many years,put it in God's hands and I feel, that is what lead me to this blog.All of our kids are grown and Iam raising my 7yr old grandaughter by my stepson.I just don't think it is good for her to see a man treat his wife this way. Sometimes I won't to leave but i just don't know what to do.
---terry on 7/18/07

John, just because a woman isn't .... whatever you said .... doesn't give the husband a right to hurt her feelings.
---sue on 7/18/07

You have married into hell honey. Now it's going to take hell to get out of it. You have one nasty problem on your hands.He does not love you and is showing you outright. That's what's happening. Are you blind,too? He is no longer even trying to hide it. What a dud.
---Robyn on 7/18/07

The trouble is women leave their biblical roles demanding to be more than what they were intended to be. Men often do the same thing, maybe more so. I am derelict if I do not provide a living for my wife, a poor excuse of a man. By the sweat of my brow how a man is to be a man and supply what the woman wants. In my church the woman have retreats, and plenty of ladies meetings to get their fill of socializing. The women are to care for the home, children. I did not marry a buddy, a pal, I married a wife.
---john on 7/18/07

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He is no longer in love with YOU.
---catherine on 7/18/07

My love, it seems as if he may be finding interest elsewhere. The word of God says husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church. Christ gave his life for the church, yet your husband is having difficulty giving you a kiss. Its in our nature to desire positive touch and affection. It is my opinion and only my opinion that he is receiving his elsewhere. I'm sorry and you don't deserve that.
---Antrecia on 7/17/07

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