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Affair With My Wife's Sister

Two months ago, I began an affair with my wife's sister. It lasted about a month and there was a physical relationship that took place. Do I need to tell my wife in order to save my marriage and relationship with God. Will there always be a wall between me and God and me and my wife.

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 ---Kevin on 7/30/07
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Well Kevin if you were going to be your own advisor then you should not have posted your question.

However there's a first for everything and that's what this site is for interaction biblically or formally it's up to what subject you choose to speak on.

You committed a sin against your wife Sis-in-law and that's bad but like you say God saves forgives and If you have repented the wall you suggested won't be there with god but your wife will have a hard time seeing you as she did before your affair and right about now she is all you need to be seeking counselling with no one else!
---Carla3939 on 5/31/09

It's been many months since I posted this blog. One thing I've learned through this experience is that God is merciful and many Christians are not. When the adulteror was brought to Christ, He did not condem her but forgave and said He that is without sin, cast the first stone. Sin is sin.
---Kevin on 5/28/09

affair is over and wife's sister have gone on with your lives ...your wife is still sold on a happy marriage

"wall" exists between yourself and lie ...affair always a lie until you confess ...allowing wife option of staying or leaving ...takes courage

if sister decides to confess years later while you kept it secret then more reasons for your wife to distrust you and move on ...own up now and you could save your marriage

repent to God for sin is NOT same as taking responsibility for your actions ...many choose to only repent believing they never have to "own up" because "God took care of it" ...reality is your wife is biblically free to leave and re-marry due to your negligence
---Rhonda on 4/28/09

I think it is amazing how every "Christian" here throws out their judgements upon thee. Judge not though be judged.

Life is difficult and we ALL sometimes make decisions when there is turmoil within our lives that we later regret. We ALL make decisions when there is NO turmoil that we later regret.

What all of you "Christians" should be doing is trying to emphathize, offer advice and repentance, not passing down judgement as if you were God.
---Ja on 4/28/09

I've been there. A Christian with a Christian wife and sister. My wife is an alcoholic. Her sister was compassion-and I now know jealous. "She" became my best friend, my wife scoffed at us(my wife and I)being friends! It drove me to my "friend" as it were. After 21/2 years of seperation my sis initiated a relationship. When she did leave it was ...uniquely painful in a way you remember that fire is HOT :)What I have learned in my loss of everything dear to me is that the enemy will take your best qualities, those gifts God's given you, and turn them into weapons against Him. Compassion, too little or too much, gave me my greatest loves and greatest pain :) Don't let the Enemy use what you're loved for to destroy the love :)
---Martagnan on 4/6/09

You need to repent. You do not need to tell anyone but God. However, it is likely to get out through your sister-in-law, so you may as well spill the beans and at least be the one who was honest. This action has deeply hurt four people if we assume your sister in law is married. How could you be so stupid? Would it be something to do with lax standards that you got through the conditionning of television, going to church that does not preach hell-fire, or an upbringing that taught that you got whatever you fancied?
---frances008 on 2/15/09

What you did was very wrong. If I were you I wouldn't tell your wife because that will hurt her very much. What you did was low down and stupid you and your sister-in-law should hold your heads down in shame.
---NICOLE on 2/12/09

Marriage should be honored by everyone. Husband and wife should keep their marriage pure. God will judge guilty those who take part in sexual sins { Hebrews 13:6].
---catherine on 2/12/09

You deserve to lose your marriage. People like you are a burden on society.
---Joe on 2/12/09

Kevin, It's easy for anyone to make a judgment since they are not going through what you are.
Many people hide what goes on in their private lives. They display a good marriage and hide the real truth. Carl is right also, this happens many times to man.
You said you were in pain, I assume you mean she didn't want to make love. I found myself in the same pain as you once, mine was for over twenty five years. I never cheated and could have many times. I knew if I did, I was not sinning against my wife, but against God. Sin carries many very bad consequences. Many times it brings death with it. many times children. You don't know the pain you have caused others. Only time will tell how much pain this will bring. I am happy you confessed.
---MarkV. on 12/2/08

I always wonder why it's 75% guys that get the bad name on these sites. My wife has had three affairs with men (that I am aware of) in 22 years of marriage! Everyone at church thinks that my wife is the greatest thing on Earth, but she treats me like SH*^ in private! I am a HUGE FOOL for staying with her but I totally adore my kids and want them to have a stable/secure home which they would not have without me in their home. After the last one is on their own, SO AM I!!!!!!!!! Here today, gone tommorow! Just know, it's not just the men that have affairs! Women are just as guilty and VERY secretive about thier affairs!!!
---Carl_Rover on 12/2/08

Your morals are like salt without taste.
Surely there is a wall between you and God
concerning this matter.Your wife's sister
is not the only one that you have cheated
with.You are one that cannot resist the
opportunity to do as you please.
Your understanding of LOVE AND RESPECT
have no guidelines.But,i do believe that
sincerely want to or not that makes the
difference,and whether she is willing to
go on with or without you.
---Jack_8773 on 1/23/08

"If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1John, 1,9
I would not like to know, if you were my husband. Because it was the sister, which hurts more than a strange woman. For me this could destroy the bond and not my ignorance of it. You save your marriage by obeying the word of the bible, to love your wife and care for her as Christ cares for his bride. And to never be unfaithful again!
---arabella on 1/23/08

All I can say is I dont' agree with a lot of the answers you have recieved. I want to ask all of yours' to accept the Holy Spirit and let it guide yous'. Then things like affairs wont happen and your will become true christens and live sin free with the help of the Holy Spirit.
---terry5638 on 1/23/08

Well, six months ago I confessed the affair to my wife, but did not tell her that it was her sister. Last week, I finally told her the whole story. God led me to Psalms 51 and I believe that he has forgiven me. My wife is willing to stay and we are in counseling. Life has hope once again. Lesson learned..sin always has consequences, you don't get away with anything.
---Kevin on 1/22/08

Indifference, lack of interest.

It's funny, but the Boss always knows when someone has been stealing from the till.
Walls of sin only come down when the sinner acknowledges it.
Your husband knows, don't think he doesn't.
---Observee on 11/10/07

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My friend, it is a possiblity. God is very, very funny in that way. Very, very, few people really knows the true God although people boast that they do. I will not sugarcoat SIN.
---catherine on 9/8/07

i think you should tell your wife if she is with christ she can forgive you but she never has to forget... i know god can forgive you and so can she...
---renee on 9/8/07

Once a cheat always a cheat. But if you feel bad go to God for forgiveness and when your ever to have these thought. close your eyes and pray for strength to overcome.
---Stephanie_L_Mason on 9/3/07

I'm sorry honey, but there is no way to justify the cowardly coverup of an affair. I don't care what boss or relative committed the affair, there is no way to white-wash it. The best thing that can happen is that you learn from this tragedy to prevent it from happening again.
---Robin on 9/1/07

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You've been griping about the old man for quite some time, a robin told me.
---Larry on 8/30/07

I am sorry, it must be painful for you, but if you love one another, there is hope for you both, It could be that you were just out spreading your wings, and soon you will fly back home.
---Sabrina on 8/30/07

Ann, although I appreciate your input, I do not agree with your insinuatin that my pain is punishment for my affair. I've been in pain for over 8 years and my affair took place only a few months ago. And, the lack of sexual interest on my wife's part started 2 years ago, far before any affair. I'm not trying to justify my affair, and I certainly deserve punishment from God and my wife, but I feel that you're off on your assumptions.
---Kevin on 8/27/07

Kevin if ur wife doesn't want to be involved with u in the bedroom chances are she already knows ur having an affair she just hasn't figured it out that it was with her sister. You need to stop making excuses and tell her. And the pains ur having is God's punishment from committing adultery and keeping it from ur wife.
---ANN on 8/22/07

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you see men think women are stupid or dump after they have an affair that we don't know, we assume and most likely we are right! If u do things different the u normally do in ur house then most likely she knows she just haven't nailed down the truth.
---ANN on 8/22/07

And again, her sister might tell her. You see sisters fight and knowing what could hurt her the most she will use, and that affair will come out and how would u feel knowing her sister told her before u did? So, stop making excuses and be a man and tell her, or the next blog we read it that she left u because she found out by her sister.
---ANN on 8/22/07

It's difficult to explain a situation in full with only a limited number of words. There are several reasons why I allowed this to happen, none of which justify what I did. The sexual relationship between my wife and I has been non-existent for several years due to the fact that she just isn't all that interested in it.
---Kevin on 8/22/07

Another issue is that I've been dealing with chronic pain for several years and within the past few years it has completely broken me down mentally to the point where I find myself involved in things that I shouldn't be just to get my mind off of the pain. Sounds stupid, but that's where I've been for the past several months. In a nutshell, my life is in ruins and I don't feel like there is any hope of escape.
---Kevin on 8/22/07

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Your wife is likely to find out one day and her sister will likely be the one to tell her and beleive me she will be more hurt than you could ever imagine.
I found out 4 years later that my sister caught my husband spying on her in the shower and I still cannot get over it another 2 years later, I can forgive but I can't forget and I think I have suffered more out of this than him.
Does anyone know if this is normal 'male' behaviour? Just how many males do this kind of thing?
---Susan on 8/20/07

I would not be quick to tell my wife... if i were you but i would be very quick to admit to God that what you did was a sin and that you would want to know why you did this... confess it to the Lord, and seek His face for the root cause of this behavior... you may at some point be directed by the Lord to tell your wife but i would wait on the Lord first. God loves you all the time and He is not condemning you but wants to keep you walking in His protection and best.
---madelyn on 8/18/07

Of course marriage is not the big of a deal to you ichabod, weren't you married 3 or 4 times yourself?
---Valeerie on 8/18/07

I am surprised at the vehemence of some of the replies.... I think some people fail to remember that we are not supposed to be judges over our fellow servants. Neither do I judge you, I don't know the reasons why this incident happened, or who is at fault. The One who knows the hidden secrets in your heart knows--and I am sure He knows if your repentence is genuine or not. It is the eternal relationship that you should care about first.
---Dai_Ichi on 8/18/07

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There are those here who think that Marriage is the be-all end-all. Read Mark 12:25 carefully. Think first about your relationship with God. Once you got that down, you'll realize that everything--you telling your wife, or not telling your wife, your wife deciding to stay, or deciding to leave, your family forgiving you, or ostracizing you--everything that results is for the good of you who loves God.
---Dai_Ichi on 8/18/07

Now don't get me wrong, I'm using "good" here in the eternal sense--the rest of this life may end up in misery and loneliness (I pray that this is not the case, but you should reflect on it). It is the eternal life where you would be guaranteed to find joy if your relationship with God is on an even keel.

Personally, I feel that what you do about disclosing what happened between you and your wife's sister is entirely between you and God.
---Dai_Ichi on 8/18/07

Get right with God, then ask Him what He wants you to do, and when eternity comes, He'll know whether you were true to His will or not.
---Dai_Ichi on 8/18/07

"Your wanting to run is suspect. Have you been checked out for bipolar disorder?"

When Adam hid from God, was he considered bi-polar? I absolutely hate labels pinned on people because of things that are obviously a result of the fall of Adam. Running and hiding is caused by the fear running amok in the mind and the flesh. We have not been given a spirit of fear and that "bold as a lion" aspect of the believer is captured in the spirit and walked in by faith.
---Linda on 8/17/07

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Kevin, you are not bi-polar. You are fearing in the flesh. However, you are not in the flesh but in the spirit if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. And if He dwells in you, He will also quicken your mortal body. Don't fear your Father, have faith in His love.
---Linda on 8/17/07

Kevin, the first thing you shiuld do is to confess and repent to God(1John 1:9). We have a very loving and forgiving God. Please don't run. The second thing you should do is be honest with your wife and tell her. Let her decide whether she wants to stay in this relationship or not. The reason that I can advise you about this, is because I went through the same thing with my husband. But I forgave him because Jesus forgave me. Our marriage is being healed by the Great Physician, Jesus Christ. God Bless.
---Cynthia on 8/15/07

Bill Billa is on target. Jesus was clear... forget these "Academic scholars w degrees they're attempting to justify" if you've "ever" lusted in your heart... you've already commited adultry. Let those among us here whose without sin... cast the first stone.
I say: Get forgiveness from Jesus, pray she is not pregnant move forward sin no more.
Jesus is bigger than your problem (remember the woman at the well read slowly)
---John on 8/15/07

Kevin, your relationship with God is based on Jesus and His work, not on whether you have done everything right or everything wrong, nothing right or nothing wrong. Faith is the only thing that pleases God. Faith beholds the Lamb of God. Why don't you come just as you are without one plea but that His blood was shed for thee? He is still continuing to bid you come to Him by, and only by, the blood of the Lamb.
---Linda on 8/15/07

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If you will just by faith (and not by your flesh, your good or bad) come into His presence, you will find that He is still very much in relationship with you, otherwise the affair wouldn't even be bothering you. In His presence is fullness of joy and what you hear there is your next step. It isn't by rules. It is by relationship.
---Linda on 8/15/07

The enemy, would have you think right now that you are no good and that not even your Father still loves you. The accuser is not only a liar but THE liar and his methods haven't changed from the garden of Eden. Twist the truth a little and enslave a man to his thoughts of good and evil instead of telling the truth and have a man see his union with Christ through His work. B-E-H-O-L-D the LAMB, not your good or evil.
---Linda on 8/15/07

Kevin, ever heard the saying, don't let the left hand know what the right hand is doing?
That's something a bipolar personality could do easily, lead a double life.
Your wanting to run is suspect. Have you been checked out for bipolar disorder? Your wife is going to find out. You run now, you'll be running from something else down the road. Crime doesn't pay. You're still trying to save your own hide and take the easiest route. Abandonment.
Does abandonment run in your family, by chance?
---Bob on 8/14/07

Kevin, you need to be a man and tell your wife. Running away from what you have done won't change what you did to her sister. Your wife will find out sooner or later maybe by you hopefully or maybe by her sister to get back at u. Either way if you don't say anything how are you going to fix your marriage? Unless ur still cheating?
---ANN on 8/14/07

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I still have not talked to my wife about my affair. I wonder if it would be better to just walk away at this point and not ruin her relationship with her sister. I now know first hand that the wages of sin is death and there is no such thing as sinning without consequences. I hope someday to restore my relationship with God, but I will never escape the fact that I committed adultery and ruined my relationship with my wife.
---Kevin on 8/14/07

Well, Kevin, did you do the right thing?
Or are you hiding out? Your wife will find out, family secrets don't stay secret for very long.
---Bob on 8/8/07

Please spend some time in prayer & fasting. Ask the Lord to minister to your wife and prepare her heart in advance. She is going to need His strenth no matter what the outcome. God is a master at taking our mistakes and using them for good. Prayer & fasting will get the Lord involved and help prevent the enemy from causing even more devastation. Your mistake has robbed your wife of life as she knows it. It's time to give of yourself, for your wife's sake, through prayer & fasting.
---DoryLory on 8/6/07

Eleanor, it was your decision to stay. The Bible says you had the grounds for divorce.
Adultery is an area where we understand exactly what the Word says. For Kevin to recover and redeem himself, needs to come clean. Our sins will find us out. You can't cover this big of a fiasco for any length of time. Hiding it will make this devastation a bigger boom when it hits.
---Bob on 8/4/07

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Eleanor, here's something else you should consider. If your husband had not told you, he might have repeated the cycle over and over. You would have found out someday. After all this time, and you haven't recovered, you still need counseling with your husband. That unrecovery on your part could cause an indifference/relapse on your husband's part.
---Bob on 8/4/07

I disagree with your counselor. My husband had an affair with a family friend. Work on your marriage, ask forgiveness from God, and don't destroy your wife with this. I only wish my husband had NEVER told me. We never recovered from it.
---Eleanor on 8/4/07

I agree with Bob. Maybe you could get your wife to go to counseling with you and tell her there. That way the counselor would be there to help her deal with this devastating news. Not telling her at all is like trying to cover up a huge pus infection with a bandaid. You can never get the marriage healed that way. (Sorry for the gross description.)
---Gena8493 on 8/3/07

If you really cared about your wife's relationship with her sister, you would have never committed adultery with her. You are afraid of what is going to happen when you tell your wife the truth because you know there is a possiblity you will come out the loser on this one. The damage you have done will affect their entire family. You should move away from them all to spare them the hurt and pain.
---Susie on 8/3/07

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You can't save your hide and come out ahead. You've made your bed, you're going to have to strip the sheets, throw out the mattress, the bedsprings, tear the carpet out, start from the foundation up.
You have not the right to hold your wife hostage in a marriage with this degree of betrayal. If she throws you to the curb, so be it. Hopefully, the sisters will be able to reconcile. Give your wife the right to make this decision for herself. You're not decision worthy to make it for her.
---Bob on 8/3/07

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I NEED to tell my wife. My counselor believes that I NEED to tell her or our marriage will never move forward. I've come very close to telling her, but I've held back, not to protect myself, but to protect her relationship with her sister. My counselor thinks that I shouldn't consider the sister in my decision, but I'm having a hard time with that.
---Kevin on 8/3/07

Yes susie, you are correct. David and Bathsheba did lose their son. There is always a price to pay when we sin. God uses the rod of correction "in love" on his children. But He also forgives us if we confess and repent as well.
---Cynthia on 8/2/07

David and Bethsheba lost their son because of their sin!!!
---Susie on 8/2/07

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I can tell you that I would never forgive my husband if he done that to me. But I can't. I don't know if I could or not. I know how I would feel. But I would try, because I believe God put us together for a reason. But if he told me the truth, (I don't want details) but the truth, I would take that into consideration, because he had the choice of not telling me. But he did (if it were me). As with you, have the choice of telling her. God will give you the courage.
---Rebecca_D on 8/1/07

Thinking you can get away with something. Many criminals are bipolar. Thiefs in particular.
Kevin, you need to be a man and let your wife decide what she wants to do. She deserves someone far better than the husband you've been to her. At the very least, allow her the option to make a new life for herself or try to continue with you. As for what you've done to their sisterly relationship, I have no idea what will happen.
---Bob on 8/1/07

One last thing, Kevin. Because you want to try and cover this up before it starts to really stink, I wouldn't trust you not have another affair. I think you could fall easily into another one. So, please, tell your wife. I really think she deserves better.
---Bob on 8/1/07

Kevin, do not be so hard on yourself. David commited adultery with Bath-sheba, But if you read Psalms 51 you will see that God had mercy on him and forgave him. But I still say that you should be honest and tell your wife the truth. You may be amazed at what God does in your marriage. God's blessings on both of you. And by all means, forgive yourself.
---Cynthia on 8/1/07

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It is good you're getting counsling, what does the counsler say you should do about this? What would your motives be in confessing? If you do confess are you confessing to relieve yourself of guilt or to be honest? So many lives will be affected by you and your sister-in-law! All I can say is that God forgives. As for your poor wife, time will tell I guess.
---sue on 8/1/07

I can assure you all that my life has completely fallen apart because of my selfishness. I still cannot believe that I was capable of doing such an inexcusable act to my wife and to God. I've begun attending counseling, but have not yet talked to my wife about the affair. I know that I need to, but I guess I'm just a coward. I do believe that God can forgive me, but I'm not sure I could ever expect that of my wife.
---Kevin on 8/1/07

Whatever made you interested in doing that with her, and whatever made you able to think it wasn't worth it to stay faithful to your wife . . . you need to deal with that. Those things that you value more than loving your wife, and that you value more than loving and obeying God . . . they have betrayed you. Only God can be trusted.
---Bill_bila5659 on 8/1/07

You must be feeling lower than a skunk, by now. Has anyone boxed your ears for you, yet? Wife, brotherinlaws, fatherinlaw, anyone? Please, be sure to write back and let us know if your eyes are black and blue.
---Bob on 7/31/07

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Be worried about your relationship with Jesus Christ as only he has the power to forgive and save. Then,you go to your wife and tell her the truth. You committed fornication,adultery and must repent and be washed of these sins before you can move on, but the lord is faithful and just to forgive us for our confessed sins. The only wall that can ever be between you and the lord is the one that you build for the bible says that he WOULD NEVER LEAVE NOR FORSAKE YOU. Sin separates, repentance binds again. .
---queen on 7/31/07

I would suggest that you tell your wife (if she doesn't already know) as she will find out someday. That's the way life is. Your sins will find you out! Although God will forgive you (IF YOU REPENT), your wife may have a harder time forgiving and there will always be a wall there between your wife and you as you put it up! It appears that you are a man of little wisdom. You need to get on your knees and BEG your wife's forgiveness.
---Susie on 7/31/07

If I were in your shoes, I'd be more worried about my relationship with God rather than my spouse. Yes you should tell her the truth. Yes things will get ugly. First you need to make it right with God. You created the wall already by cheating. Hopefully with the Lord's help that wall will come down piece by piece.
---Rebecca_D on 7/30/07

Yes tell her because if you do not, your marriage will suffer. Confess and repent to God with a sincere heart and He will forgive you. As far as your relationship with your wife and your marriage, only God can heal that. God bless you.
---Cynthia on 7/30/07

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Kevin:: You have built a wall its up to you to find the best way you know how to remove or break down the wall you created.If the wall collapses on you ,the only thing is prayer & trust,in HIM & HER, whom you have both hurt and offended.Pray for guidance .
---Emcee on 7/30/07

I have noticed that if just in my MIND I do wrong things with a woman, this does have effects on my relating with people and with God. I need to stop EVERYTHING that is wrong, in my feelings and desires and imagination, or else I won't have things REALLY right with God and with people.

So, for you, I'd say FIRST make sure you have been corrected and healed of what makes you able, IN you, to be unfaithful.

And in God's peace you will find out what He has you do to love her.
---Bill_bila5659 on 7/30/07

You are more concerned about guilt and her restoring your relationship with God than restoring your marriage. Haven't you done enough evil to your wife by cheating with her sister? Now you want her to redeem you from that sin with her forgiveness. Do her a big favor and get out , confess but know when you do you give her a Biblical reason to divorce you. You don't deserve a wife,you don't know how to be a good husband. You built the wall, you ruined the marriage and her relationship with her sister.
---Darlene_1 on 7/30/07

what was you thinking,you should have known this sort of thing would come back and bite you,you knew sow, reap,well we all make mistakes,you knew the devil is going to have this one over you till you confess,the lord jesus said all secrets shall be revealed.god as got away of bring these secrets to light.i suggest you pray hard ask god how you should go about this.
---nikki on 7/30/07

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So arrogant of you to think you'll be keeping the wife.
A skid sideways, and back on track. Maybe, maybe not.
---Brad on 7/30/07

Is your sisterinlaw married? If so, that brotherinlaw may knock your lights out.
Get ready, get ready, get ready.....(TD Jakes).
---Harry_Bob on 7/30/07

well I definately think you need a good Christian therapist.Consult on first and see what they think your next course should be.If you can not do that, talk to your Pastor at your church.If you have repented(meaning you arent doing it anymore) and confessed to the Lord, there is not wall between you and Him.I think your marriage will take time, marriage can be repaired after an affair!! But seek a Christian therapist!!!
---Sandy on 7/30/07

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