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Adult Child Won't Work

What do you do with a 23 yr old who refuses to find a job? Can't make up mind where he wants to live. Live with mom and dad or much older woman(40). Sleeps all day and stays up all night. Thanks.

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they will grow up OR ...ALSO out of love, push them "out of the nest" to take responsibility whether they want to or not

EXCEPT situations presented parents were irresponsible child suddenly becomes unmotivated unproductive having no direction after graduation unless parents were inept at molding teaching ambition drive during high school years

regardless putting family out is not a True Christians calling ...simply following world not Christ ...however MOST so-called christians kick their children out between 19-23 yet give money donations charitable services to members of their church for the glory ...failing to see blatant contradiction in their professed "out of love" parenting
---Rhonda on 10/31/10

TheSeg-- Sorry about the misspelling. God provides food for the birds...I'm positive they don't worry, but they don't find food by sitting in their nest. The adult birds FLY somewhere to find the food God has provided. They bring food to their babies in the nest. Birds are genetically programmed this way. Sometimes "fledglings" try to stay in the nest too long. The adults then PUSH them out of the nest. I've seen this myself. They HAVE to learn to fly and find their own food in order to migrate when it is time.

This SUCH a SIMPLE analogy and nothing in Scripture contradicts it.

I can't IMAGINE a mother who allows her children to SPIT on her (unless they are infants). What a disservice she does to them!
---Donna66 on 11/1/10

Eloy -- I do agree. Sometimes kids simply don't know how to go about getting a job, an apartment etc., and need parental help with these things. IMHO Parents should be kind and encouraging... but decisive. If a child rebels against parents regarding this, then it's a difficult, painful situation.
---Donna66 on 11/1/10

If I had a son like that I would try to help him to find a job. You cannot live his own life for him, but you can offer him suggestions to improve his current life. Does he have a resume? You could help him to make a resume, and you could help him find a job, help drive him to places of employment and help him to fill out the job applications.
---Eloy on 10/31/10

Donna66, no biggie but it's a "G" at the end of my name.

It's funny how we see things differently.
You said: God doesn't put food in their nest. He requires them to find it.
Then who does, if not God?

Mat 6:26
Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

Will you say there in the air, therefore parents?
Then what about Mat 6:27-9 and the rest of it?

I know mother out there, whose children actually spit on them!
And see people tell them, don't you see what theyre doing to you!

These mothers say "no!"
May God Bless You
---TheSeg on 10/31/10

The seq -- Yes, God loves His children and cares for them. He cares for the birds, but he doesn't put food in their nest. He requires them to find it.
Out of love, He sometimes disciplines HIS Children.
Heb 12:6 For the Lord disciplines him whom he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives."

Parents love their children!

The dilemma for parents is whether, out of love, to let the young people continue in their bad habits, believing that someday, somehow, they will grow up OR
ALSO out of love, push them "out of the nest" to take responsibility whether they want to or not.
---Donna66 on 10/31/10

Then I guess the first thing is to understand, how God does things.
All you can do is love them! Anything you do short of this is wrong.
The ones that are running the world are the ones that are telling you.
How you must live your life here! Not me!
But people are rebelling against them. They don't want to pay the taxes!
They don't want to understand what the right thing to do is.
They want to-do whatever they feel is right!
Do you think I am talking about man to man?
No I am talking about man to God!
The way God treats you, is the way!
If all I have is a dollar then the dollar is his.
Our children, amen!
---TheSeg on 10/31/10

The Seq -- I'm having trouble relating your scriptures ( Mt 7:27, IJn 2:11-16) to the situation described.
---Donna66 on 10/31/10

Yes Donna66, that why he added his!

Mat 17:27 Notwithstanding, lest we should offend them, go thou to the sea, and cast an hook, and take up the fish that first cometh up, and when thou hast opened his mouth, thou shalt find a piece of money: that take, and give unto them for me and thee.

1Jn 2:11 But he that hateth his brother is in darkness, and walketh in darkness, and knoweth not whither he goeth, because that darkness hath blinded his eyes.

1Jn 2:16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

Is this not so?
---TheSeg on 10/29/10

"the kings of the earth take custom or tribute?" Are you talking about taxes?

Living with mom and dad is probably better than living (in sin) with a 40 yr. old woman.
But a 23 y/o can't remain a child forever. I've seen "youngsters" who live with their parents until they are in their 30s or more.
If these sons and daughters are normal and not working, at what age do they begin to learn responsibility? Is it helpful to young people to let them stay at home sleeping all day and up all night?

Even if they do work, don't you think they are missing something by not building a life of their own? What will they do when their parents both die?
---Donna66 on 10/29/10

Mat 17:25 He saith, Yes. And when he was come into the house, Jesus prevented him, saying, What thinkest thou, Simon? of whom do the kings of the earth take custom or tribute? of their own children, or of strangers?

Mat 17:26 Peter saith unto him, Of strangers.
Jesus saith unto him, Then are the children free.

Mat 17:27 Notwithstanding, lest we should offend them, go thou to the sea, and cast an hook, and take up the fish that first cometh up, and when thou hast opened his mouth, thou shalt find a piece of money: that take, and give unto them for me and thee.
---TheSeg on 10/28/10

Good point, Trish. This evaluation should be done before anything. If he has clinical depression, he will be unable to work until it has been treated.
It's not always easy to distinguish depression from laziness.
---Donna66 on 10/28/10

Did anyone have this 23 year old evaluated for depression?
---Trish on 10/28/10


You said: Scripture does not IMPLY family member

2 Thessalonians 3:10
"For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat."

It says ANY. It does not make exceptions for family members. I prefer to go by what scripture actually SAYS than what we think it implies (i.e. reading between the lines).

Also, does it show "Christian love" to allow a dysfunctional young adult (who is still healthy and able to endure the "school of hard knocks") to grow old and be dysfunctional for decades to come, which will force him decades later to go through the "school of hard knocks" at an age when he's no longer able-bodied?
---StrongAxe on 10/28/10 who is unwilling to work should not be given food


Scripture does not IMPLY family member

so parents failing to prepare their carefree teenagers to be self sufficient are exempt from their Christian calling?

experience teaches us BEFORE graduation these children never had any responsibility goals direction guidance or job ...NEVER instilled with drive ambition aspirations or taught cooperative household participation with chores because that is how they have lived SINCE graduation

solution for allowing now adult child to continue in its ways is to correct the irresponsible parenting by kicking them out to make them self sufficient ...done in "christian-love" of course - still unbiblical
---Rhonda on 10/27/10


Yet you accept one scripture (that one should take care of one's family) without also confidering another (that one who is unwilling to work should not be given food). You must understand BOTH of them to get the big picture.

It is parent's responsibility to prepare children to be self-sufficient when they become adults. It has been this way through human history, and if you look at nature, it is the same with animal species as well. If this lazy young man is supported forever by his parents, they are negligent in their duty, because he will NEVER learn to be self-sufficient, and when they die (likely be before he does) he will be an old man with no skills, no job, no money, no home, and no prospects.
---StrongAxe on 10/27/10

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Strongaxe ...made your point that better for parents today to be OF the world kicking adult child out at 18 because years of guidance have ended by law ...rather than be separate as Christ instructed ...whether you play with words good or bad perfect or imperfect fact remains by forsaking a family member one is REJECTING their Christian calling as described in 1Tim 5:8

one challenge I've repeated and very certain is not possible that parents who have raised responsible children - responsibilities goals direction in school and personal life SUDDENLY become indifferent departing from this course (essentially AT graduation from high school) now having no aspirations ...maybe just punishing them for not encouraging them
---Rhonda on 10/27/10


It is the parents' responsibility to raise a child, but people have free will - they can choose to follow their parents' leading, or to reject it. A 23 year old man is certainly an adult and capabable of making his own choices, and being responsible for them.

The cornerstone of Christian teaching is that Adam rejected God's command and disobeyed him - and if Adam can do it (even given a perfect upbringing), so can anyone else.
---StrongAxe on 10/27/10

...believe that all bad children are that way as a result solely because of the fault of their parents?

whose responsibility is it to raise a child

measure of good or bad is IMPLIED reasoning interesting position if I may say ..."bad child"? misguided yes

several posters whined about jobless adult child whooping it up for years at home no responsibilities contributing nothing to household

at what point does one fall for these deceptive parents making it all about them and they were not "goodenough" to raise a better child?

trying to sell idea that a responsible teen through high school - having responsibilities at school and home SUDDENLY departs from this course
---Rhonda on 10/26/10

Either make the tree good, and his fruit good, or else make the tree corrupt, and his fruit corrupt: for the tree is known by his fruit.
O generation of vipers, how can ye, being evil, speak good things? for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.

A good man out of the good treasure of the heart bringeth forth good things: and an evil man out of the evil treasure bringeth forth evil things.

But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.
For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned.
---TheSeg on 10/26/10

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Do you believe that all bad children are that way as a result solely because of the fault of their parents? If so, you must believe that good parents can only have 100% good children (because if any of the children turn out bad, the parents must themselves have been bad).

Also, if a child is bad, that means his parent must have been bad, making his grandparents bad, etc. all the way back.

Look at ancient Israel. God praised Abraham, yet many generations later, there were various corrupt kings, etc. At SOME point, there had to have been some good parents with some bad children in there somewhere.
---StrongAxe on 10/25/10


BLAME lies solely with the parents who allowed their adult children to be slothful

parents allow/support/endorse/enable an irresponsible young adult --financially supporting their lifestyle (entertainment etc) not just basic living

then when these LAZY parents are tired of whining and complaining they punish their own children for their foolishness by forsaking them??

amazing you seem to be unable to comprehend the difference

have you also fallen for these pathetic deceptive parents? if a child is reared in responsibility and is productive during their teen years of high school I find it absurd they SUDDENLY have zero aspirations UNLESS parents indulged
---Rhonda on 10/25/10

Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

Hereby know ye the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is of God:

And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that spirit of antichrist,whereof ye have heard that it should come, and even now already is it in the world.

Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them:because greater is he that is in you,than he that is in the world.

They are of the world:therefore speak they of the world, and the world heareth them.
---TheSeg on 10/24/10


That verse refers to someone who "would not work", not someone who "cannot work". It refers to the wilful choice not to work, rather than the state of not working.

As such, it places no burden on a family member who is sick, or too old, or too young, or unemployed and unable to find work. However, it does NOT excuse someone who is ablebodied and employable, but is just plain lazy and chooses not to work, and instead sits around the house eating chips, drinking beer, and watching TV or surfing the net without lifting a finger to do his fair share of work.
---StrongAxe on 10/25/10

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Yes, but don't forget 2 Thessalonians 3:10:
"For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat."

Apostles begin 2Thess 3:10 by speaking to the brothers and sisters in Christ ...those within the church would not be looking for handouts because that is not how the Apostles lived

this verse has nothing to do with obligations of family ...keeping a roof over a family members head, providing food when they are in financial hardship is expected

as most have described here: paying their unemployed adult childrens entertainment etc is NOT ...although interesting these parents whine about it and continue to be a slave to their children
---Rhonda on 10/24/10

Amen Cluny I was looking for that verse

Catherine you are harsh ...It never surprises me those who claim christianity attend church weekly flaunt all their "christian" social events, contribution, volunteer work

YET treat their own family with such disregard

a parent who has brought their children up with many responsibilities within and outside of the home ...whose children value goal setting, and contribution find ways to make their unemployment/lack of income be productive

the blame lies on the parents for allowing a child to be so unproductive for so long then punishing them because they did
---Rhonda on 10/24/10


Yes, but don't forget 2 Thessalonians 3:10:
"For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat."

Parents aren't required to support able-bodied adult children ad infinitum.
---StrongAxe on 10/23/10

\\You leave him along. It's out of your hands. "Bar him from your home", saith the Lord thy God.....\\

Wrong again, as in everything else you say, catherine.

Here's what the REAL God says:

1 Timothy 5:8 (King James Version)

8But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.
---Cluny on 10/22/10

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You leave him along. It's out of your hands. "Bar him from your home", saith the Lord thy God.....Folks, I didn't know how to end this blog, so I asked God.
---catherine on 10/22/10

CAROL, I know that it must be hard on you, worying about your son. You son will be just fine. Take care of yourself. You've raised him. Relax.
---catherine on 10/22/10

I have a 20 year old son that is moving out tomorrow only because I'm making him do so. I told him long ago that he has to work or be in school in order to live in my house and he's is doing neither. He keeps blaming me for his problems and says that I don't care about him. His father died of cancer when he was 11 and I just recently remarried. My husband is very aggravated at the situation and I don't blame him. He feels like my son is taking full advantage of me and I agree. I am just having a real hard time not worrying about what my son is going to do with no job. I guess I'm "making" him turn into a responsible adult. Wow, what a week!!!!!
---Carol on 10/21/10

I thought I was alone! I have three children and so does hubby. I lived meager lifestyle, husband has always lived upper-middle class. I think that is what caused our situation. My kids: (31, 26 and 26) work and take care of themselves. Hubby's kids (28, 24, 20) think work is four-letter word and hubby pays all their expenses. Its hard for me to watch my kids go without items they can't afford, while stepkids complain about car father bought them, so he goes out and buys them another car. Stepkids sometimes make fun of the cars that my kids drive. His kids have lived with us off-and-on since being adults and I've booted them out for doing NOTHING and then complaining about living conditions! It does cause a strain on all relationships.
---Deborah on 2/6/10

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Seriously, it is such a travesty going on with this so much these days. Kids have never had so much stuff,opportunity,pity AND with this kids have never been so disrespectful, lazy and lacking purpose, hmmm. 'I feel so sorry for them because dad/mom is this/that', 'I work so much don't want to spend what time with them 'on them/disciplining' 'well, we divorced when he/she was young, a teen or later' All this excuse/defense for a disrespectful, spoiled person which the parent creates with pity and guilt. So it goes...and now we have too many young adults and children not having the fortitude and tools to make productive beings, at the least makes it a harder and longer road without these core lessons in love needed. Balance is desperately needed
---joan on 1/12/10

it's not about having an adult child living at home or his older girlfriend

it's adult child with ZERO responsibilities - your lack of courage gives him work-less carefree life

if there is no work then he should be doing ALL household yard chores - EVERYTHING least EARNING food

zero money to play

...remove tv and computers putting in your bedroom he doesn't pay for electricity

change locks to your home he has NO key ...he leaves home when you go to work can return at night to sleep - drop him at public library

more you GIVE more you agree with his nonproductive slothfulness

how is it 23yo son has money or car to visit this girlfriend?
---Rhonda on 1/11/10

I have a friend whose 30yo moved back home due to a layoff ...2 years later STILL no job and they were supporting him with food EVEN money to go out ...never asking him to contribute with household chores or anything - he had it cushy responsibilities he was self-satisfied still enjoying time with friends etc relax watch tv play on computer at home

they FINALLY had courage to take action yet didn't want him homeless

fortunately they have a detached garage with living space ...they changed locks to main home moving him to garage which has separate utilities and ONLY enough money for 2 months of food utilities

their son still had roof over his head LESS perks

within month - presto a job ...he now pays rent
---Rhonda on 1/11/10

Peace be with you all. I Have a step son 23 that sounds soo much like many of these. Parents have got to stop conforming to the ways of a child and stand firm in the knowledge and wisdom given in the gift of parenting and life experience[s].Stand by what is right in the right balance and perspective. They will not hate you when they 'grow up', and you will have no guilt in standing by what you know to be the right thing. At the dawn of 'divorce'so prevelant came the dawn of parenting on guilt and pity and so it is now we have many young 'entitled' and poor poor pitiful me's running around. Ask this question, am I abling this person to be strong and self sufficient or helping to be lazy, a taker? What am I leaving to this world after I am gone?
---joan on 1/11/10

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I have a 24 old son who has a 7th grade education, Was abandoned by mother, has been smoking heroin, and is now on methadone. He will not get a job or do anything to help himself. He does have severe learning disabilities. I've tryed to help him. His rent is being paid by his mother who came back into his life a couple years ago. Obviously, even though she is trying, he is still dealing with her leaving. We've tryed to get him into treatment, because it is in another state, and he is afraid of everything. We are both tapped out financially, and in every other way. The future looks dim for him. we don't know what to do. He has accepted the Lord as his saviour. but that is only the start. what can we do?
---jerry on 12/6/09

My son, age 24, tells me he is a adult and can make his own decisions. So he has decided to marry a older woman with 3 kids, who is on government assistant. (Welfare, housing etc.) He quit his good truck driving job (walked away from a lease) to work very part-time. Does not repay any loans. Has creditors out for him. Plays video games. Mooches off of everyone. Finally I saw the light, he is a right, he is an adult. I just pray that one day he will act like it. He was raised by two hard-working bill paying parents. We guided him, we helped him, we cried for him, we finally gave up helping him. He choose this life. I feel sorry for the 3 kids who have him as "dad."
---Renae on 7/9/09

You don't say where he lives or whether he is even applying for jobs.

I used to live in Michigan, and was laid off twice in 4 years. Parts of Michigan have 18% unemployment. I was out of work for 4 years! I sent out over 2000 resumes. I could not even get hired to scrub toliets for $6 an hour. I had the curse of having 2 Engineering BS degrees and 1/2 a masters degree. Professional jobs were non-existent, and I was considered "overqualified" for anything else. Hiring managers told me, "Why should I hire you, you used to make twice my salary!" My meddling mother got involved accusing me of mental health issues, and had me forcibly medicated! I finally got away and moved 1800 miles to take an awesome job.
---obewan on 6/23/09

I have a brother who has had a similar situation -everytime he has gotten in trouble with the law,has quite job after job because he did not like it or was out partying for long periods of time my mom would bail him out financially - if you allow adult children to always act as children then that is what they will always be.Sons and daughters should be encouraged to find their purpose and work hard -it then gives them the ability to help and give to others.Even our Heavenly Father allows us to experience hard and difficult times in order to build character.If God himself builds our character this way .We can do the same for our children.God Bless
---Diana09 on 6/22/09

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Does he really refuse to find a job, or does he have difficulties finding one? Jobs are not handed out on silver platters, especially good ones. Work history is what the employers care about the most. Many employers hire people with the intention of getting rid of them in a few months. Does he have transportation? Does he have the right clothes for the right job? If you can trust him, he's better off to live with his parents than with a woman he's not married to -it's sin. If he could get a good day job, he might would sleep at night.
---Betty on 6/21/09

Kick him out. Give him a couple hundred and see where he lands. I'd say it's about time the baby bird learn to fly.
---Katherine on 6/20/09

"Good luck with that"! My son(stepson) first moved out at 16 because he wouldn`t bathe or wash his hair (aparently the "rules" were too tough),moved back at 19, got a job, out again at 22,back at24 because he "just didn`t feel like going back to work or paying bills" (Mom claims he`s DEPRESSED).New job now with G.M.and he`s laid off, back again at 28. every time he comes home He monopolizes the big tv and livingroom for "video games"....after a hard 10-12 hr shift I get to "go to my room" rather than relax in my own house( but I`m the bad guy)My brother in law has an autistic child that they`re prepared to to care for, for life....I wasn`t.
---Bill on 5/26/09

If a man (or adult!) does not work, they shall not eat. A man who does not work and provide for his own (even himself) is worse than an unbeliever! Wow! Man was created to work! Sloughing is a sin! Period! These truths we hold to be self-evident... Shalom
---David on 4/20/09

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I've prayed for my husband's sister to find a job. All her life she has lived at home with her now-elderly parents. What does she do? She literally flies kites. She sews kites, sells a couple every once in a while to other enthusiasts. Her parents give her an allowance and credit cards, buy her vehicles. They are not wealthy. I think the reason she (now age 53) hasn't left and supported herself is her parents are happy with her being at home, even though she doesn't care for them in any way (doesn't cook for them, etc.). There is a personality disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, in which victims remain at home, are loners, unable to communicate on an adult level on in-depth personal issues with other people. That's my sister-in-law.
---Kak on 4/20/09

I have a 23 year old daughter who will do anything to avoid work. I know we have done too much for her and are trying to wean her now. Her Dad and I have worked all her life and don't understand this.
---Lila on 4/3/09

We have had the same situation and understand the stress and trauma this causes. First you must set a time line with your child. Give him a reasonable amount of time to find a job and then if this hasn't happened, tell him to move. He is using you. There is a big difference between needing help and wanting someone else to make life comfortable. He is old enough to realize you aren't going to be around forever to take care of him. In fact, what about yourself? Has he considered what kind of burden this is for you? This is an issue of respect. If you are enabling him to use you then you are partly to blame also. It's called tough love but in the long run you might very well gain a man rather than a child.
Praying for you,
---Doneta on 3/21/09

My husband and I married with children from prev marriages.They live(d) with us.My oldest(19)moved 2 years ago.He was working and contributed.Stepfather's wish.Hubby's son 20 dropped out of hs,refuses to work or ged.My son 18 graduated,seldom works.Filthy rooms.Sick of chasing down dishes.My husband and I argue about this.He's allowed his son to be lazy.My son has turned out the same.This is such a poor example to the younger siblings.Boys blame economy no work.What about volunter work?Oh wait, they don't help at the house.I'm done.It has cost our family separation.My girls and I move soon and my son is not.Tough love.Kindness not weakness.Jesus would not do this to His family,just too many sightings in this household.Blessings
---jul on 2/24/09

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Thanks to all who responded to my question. My son is still not working on a job but does detailing work and sells what he can on the streets. He comes to the house and dad is very,very angry. Dad and son does not get along at all. Dad is angry with me now because I feed son and lets him come to the house. Son is still living between parents home and older woman home. I am disgusted and at my wits end. I love my son and believe he is a late bloomer and will get it together soon. Father left home early and feel everyone is the same way. The anger is getting worse with dad.
---Robyn on 7/5/08

persepective: what if the 23 year old was Jesus Christ? would your judgments be the same?..---Eloy.

Yes, I would use both boots to get him out of the house. Trust me, when he realize that the world isn't wrapped around his finger he will work.

Not, kicking him out is doing him injustice. He has to understand that he is a man. Not, a teenager or boy. Enough is enough. If he doesn't respect you enough to not be a burden on you, let him go. He will understand when he is much older that you loved him even more by kicking him out.

Give him a choice, get a job and pay rent, power, and water bill. If not, leave.
If he leaves because he doesn't want to pay to you, he can pay more to a landlord.
---Nicole on 7/4/08

Eloy, if you were this 23 year old what would you want your parents to do for you?
---RitaH on 7/4/08

I feel for all of you!!! I have 2 sons - 25 & 28 who just won't work!!! I've threatened, I've begged, cried, I've been soft, I've helped find places which were hiring with classifieds and help wanted signs. They don't live at home, my husband (their stepfather) won't allow it. We've been paying their rent, electricity, water and food bill since December and we just cannot afford this any longer. Our original plan was to get them both off methadone which we have done, and let them get their lives back on track for 2 -3 months while we paid their living expenses. Now, they just won't get off their butts and work. I don't know what to do short of letting them get evicted. Anyone out there have any ideas?

---Linda on 7/3/08

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I am here to see what others wrote in response to the son who stays up all night, sleeps all day, wont work and is inconsistent,unable or unwilling to grow up or to at least stop tormenting his parents. Still blaming them for every thing wrong in his life... I need guidance for the situation with our son. Although I am a doctoral level clinical psychologist, husband also in the mental health field, we are at our wits end. Our son is 28 and not getting any better.
---Maggie on 4/7/08

persepective: what if the 23 year old was Jesus Christ? would your judgments be the same? The golden rule is to do and say to others, exactly what you want others to do and say to you. Parenting skills: Help your son find a job, prepare his resume, etc: he will know that you really love him, rather than by giving him the boot. There are too many souls unwanted by their parents, and not raised properly. Remember, put yourself exactly in his place, and do to others what you would want others to do to you.
---Eloy on 1/24/08

I had a simular situation with my son. He is 21. I first prayed on the situation. I then gave my son a choice of college, Military or Move out. He decided on the Air Force in fall of this year. That seemed to work for me. I know that it is hard but I think that it would be good for your husband and yourself to do something that you enjoy. Go on a short trip. Live your life. Also remember that even if you have to exercise tough love with your son, he will still love you.
---Anita_Williams on 1/23/08

You cannot control what a 23 year old does, if you raised him already you have done it, it is really his choice now. But I would not have anything to do with someone who lived in sin. Tough love. Until he changes his ways he wouldnt be welcome at home. It is disrespectful. ...unless you approve of it....which I don't think you do.
---frances on 1/23/08

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A difficult one. You could try tough love. Just don't give him anything, including meals. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself.
---frances on 1/23/08

Sadly there isn't much you can do to help this man. He is going to have to want to help himself before anything changes. The only thing you can do is pray and tell him you love him but you cant afford to support him and wouldn't he like to have nice things for himself...etc.
---sue on 1/23/08

Thanks for all replies and suggestions but situation has not improved. He is out of the house but not working. Comes by to eat,sometimes and change clothes,some days. Asks for handouts(money)(small amounts) but is not doing anything constructive. Staying away from older woman's house,sometimes. Just laying around doing nothing most days.
---Robyn on 1/23/08

As the father of a child who exhibits the same behavior, I know what this person faces. Tough love is hard to give, but this is just what I'm giving him. I have finally started turning the breakers off for his room and the living room. Until he gets a job, no more car rides, no more friends over, he must work to eat, and when he turns 18, he'd better be ready to completely take care of himself, because the wife and I can't and won't. Free room & Board is over and he has to get used to it.
---Tony on 1/10/08

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He needs some tough love. He is in trouble. Perhaps a short life-span. Not much you can do. Live your own life. You raised him.
---catherine on 10/16/07

Come on people..this man is using his parents, and he will not go get a job as long as they let him do what he is doing. His dad needs to tell him like he would any other man who is living off him, to go get a job and pay his way, or get out. I know I would, and my kids know it too.
---a_good_friend on 10/16/07

Chances are that this man is spending those "up all night" times with that older woman. Most of us who are over 50 will say that our parents would NEVER have put up with something like this. Of course, that's back when parents were parents and not their childrens' friends.
---Susie on 10/15/07

First he needs a full physical, but it sounds like he has a maid,a baby sitter, cozy bedroom, a cook,Who needs a restraunt when you have Mom, a nice roof over his head, all bills paid for and not a penny needs to come out of his pocket for rent, Sounds like he loves being taken care of, and is lazy, self centered, uncaring, un-manly, and a wimp....sorry...I already told my son that his experation date is on his 18th birthday.....then he's outa here.
---Whisper on 10/14/07

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Of course you could always tell him the following:

2 Thessalonians 3:10 For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.
---denna7667 on 10/13/07

If the person in question was mine he would be freeloading elsewhere.
---Frank on 10/13/07

Hey if I could have done that when I was a kid I still would have found a job. What kind of kid uses his parents like that. Tell him to get a job - 30 days or out.
23 is an adult - you are not doing him a favor.
I would be patient as long as he responds but once these kinds of habits set in - it may be better to get him a room and make him accountable to someone else.
ps - the whole family could use counseling.
---Andrea on 10/12/07

Parental obligation/responsibility is over. He's an adult/past time facing consequences of his choices.
Helping him avoid consequences cripples.
1. He's to have a job within 30 days.
2. He's to move within 30 days,with or without a job.
3.In jail for drug use? Tell him you love him, but refuse helping him avoid the consequences for bad choices.
4. An older woman takes him in? That's her choice and his.

5. Pray, fervently, immediately, if not already.
---Pat on 10/12/07

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Susie's idea sounds very sensible. If he had to be out of the house all day, unable to get back in until mom is home he would very quickly establish a different sleep pattern. I think that illness of one kind or another should be ruled out before being too harsh though as you'd never forgive yourself if something bad happened to him in those hours that he is locked out.
---RitaH on 10/12/07

Tough love. Ask him if he wants to sign up for the armed forces? Offer to take him down to the recruiting office. I bet he'll be able to find himself some kind of a job.
If you're allowing this to go on in your home, all of you need counseling.
---Rachel on 10/12/07

A 23-year old who wants to stay up all night and sleep all day is a strong sign of drug use. They sell drug test kits at the local pharmacy.
---Susie on 10/12/07

Sounds like he could be struggling with depression. Get him a complete physical and have him evaluated for depression. He may need therapy and medication to help him before he can find his way in life.
---Trish9863 on 10/11/07

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It could be a case of clinical depression, which saps your will to do anything, makes you mix up your days and nights, and so on.

Clinical depression is a PHYSICAL DISEASE, and don't let anyone tell you it's a moral failing or sin.
---Jack on 10/11/07

If he isn't willing to help himself, I wouldn't let him stay with the parents. If he so choses to live with another woman, that is between him and God. But I would tell him, push him if you will into finding a job and a place to live. God will not help this young man until he helps himself (like trying to find a job).
---Rebecca_D on 10/11/07

He sounds like he has a drug problem. In any case he needs to be pushed out of the nest cold turkey. This is the only way he will learn to fend for hiself. Is there some organic reason that he cannot take care of himself,ie mentally challenged? If not him MAKE go. Use tough love and allot of prayer. Give him 1 obtain employment. Tell him daily what your plans are. Pastor Larry
---larry9688 on 10/11/07

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