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Children In Abusive Homes

My husband is abusive, Married 5 years, have 2 kids. I don't know what to do. I grew up in an abusive home, I don't want the same for my children.

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 ---mary on 11/13/07
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i think that you should really watch out for your kids when they get into the reltionship thing because you never know what may happen. keep ypur head up high and god bless you
---Tisha on 9/30/08

If you dont want the same for you rchildren then why are you even taking the risk and staying with him? He may not ever abuse the children but if he abuses you then theres a chnace the children might see it which is just as painful for them. Think of your child.
good luck!
---Celia on 1/25/08

May God grant you the strength, to leave. It will not get better. You said it You grew up in an abusive home, For your children Do not continue the cycle.There are safe places and people to help you and your children. In NYC there is the Safe Horizon. call them they will help. You are a child of the King of Kings, this is not the life for you and your children.
---Kathy on 12/27/07

Do you children go to school? My husband and I recently finished Foster/Adoption classes, and the DHR is very strict. Did you know that if one bruise if found on your child by a teacher they are taken away? My husband's step-sister got her kids taken away because her house was not clean when the DHR showed up to chheck on the kids. The oldest one has missed school alot. Get help or call the cops.
---Victoria on 12/15/07

Honey you must break the chain and there is help out there. I was also hit by an ex-boyfriend and I left him for my four babies. If you need help speak up and don't give up God is with you know.
---Georgina on 12/14/07

Anonymous: I wish I would have had the courage to divorce mine the first time he hurt me. I don't want to scare you but the longer you stay with him the worse it gets.Mine wasn't bad at first, just would get angry sometimes, then he became verbally abusive and now is getting more pysically abusive. The other day he told me he was going to beat me within an inch of my life.Later he said that I know he wouldn't do that because he loves me too much. If he loves me so much, why would he threaten me?
---mary on 11/27/07

Most abusers only get worse with time. How long have you been married? I will keep you in my prayers, anonymous.
---mary on 11/27/07

Mary, I told him that I want a divorce last week, he is shaping himself up all over the place this week. Two people inside one person, yes I understand exactly. If he ever layed a hand on me now, I would start filing.
---Anonymous on 11/25/07

Anonymous, It sounds like you are talking about the same person as my husband. He tells me I am crazy and that no one else would want me. Turns everything around on me and makes me look like the bad guy. He does compliment me though, sometimes, and then 5 minutes later will insult again. It really is like there are 2 different people in him. Which is why it's so hard. Every once in a while I see this great guy. And then I see the monster most of the time.
---mary on 11/24/07

The next time he hurts you--and he WILL hurt you--have him arrested.

Then, while he's in jail, change the locks, file for divorce, get a restraining order, and clean out the savings accounts.

Of course, it'd be better if you did that before he hurt you.

Because it's a toss-up whether he'll keep you alive as a punching bag, or eventually kill you. Or turn on the kids.

And don't worry about being married to the jerk--he broke his marriage vows the moment he put his hand to you!
---Nancy on 11/16/07

Mary, I think my husband would rather die first than to pay me compliments. When I look at him all I can see is hatred, and rage, he lies at everything, and turns the tables on me, he tells me that I am worthless, and crazy, and no one would ever want me, and if I had a job I would not be able to keep it, he tells me that every body thinks I am crazy, then I say I want a divorce then he says, tough, you made a vow before God, and he screams you better love me.
---Anonymous on 11/16/07

To anonymous, Good luck in your marriage. I wish you the best. Whenever I mention divorce, my husband blows up,but then he gets very apologetic and tells me how wonderful I am. He gets afraid that I might really leave. Of course it doesn't take long for him to be mean again. I pray for the best for you.
---mary on 11/16/07

mary - what is more destructive after abuse destroys your self confidence is a pastor or church member will say that self confidence is not biblical & it is a sin, the middle of sin/Pride is I. talk about compassion especially coming from a pastor, yet they do not DENY themselves.
---kai on 11/16/07

That is exactly him. Dr. Jekyl and Mr.Hyde. He has been better lately, but not enough. Last night he was going off on me and cursing and forbidding me to ever use the computer again. He always tries to takes priveleges like that away from me. I just can't live my live waiting for the next blow up. Or wondering if he will hit me again. I believe God can change people, but the person has to want to change to, don't they?
---mary on 11/16/07

Mary, I know that what you are saying is true, I have one that is just like yours, my boyfriends before him were even similar to him. He tricked me into making me think that he loved me, but soon after the wedding he turned into a Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde personality. I understand your pain. I prayed, and God is changing him. He does not abuse me as much as he used to, but everything is always my fault. He goes into a rage when I bring up divorce.
---Anonymous on 11/15/07

to Mary - I know how you feel. sometimes you believe that it's always your fault & it destroys your self-confidence & self-worth.
---kai on 11/15/07

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We have a Church.He also goes. One person there knows and talks with me about the situation. By abuse I mean verbal and sometimes physical.He doesn't beat me. He has bitten me, pinned me down , held me where I was unable to breathe and punched me in the chest. Mainly it is just constant insults and being made to feel worthless. He does nag me quite a bit but he also adds the insults. And anytime he hurts me or yells at me, he says its my fault and he's so manipulative I almost believe him sometimes.
---mary on 11/15/07

PT 1 Oh really? When I told another christian the effects of abuse which is fear, guilt, shame, & blame she/he answered 'because of sin'. when people have these negative feeling, what christians would answer 99% of the time is SIN.the middle is sIn/prIde is I!
---kai on 11/14/07

PT 2 - Reminds me of Job & his neighbors. Eliphaz & his friends always point to sin for Job's suffering. 'don't question the word of god' just do it! blah blah blah
---kai on 11/14/07

Leave---there are agencies out there that will help you if you reach out for help. You are responsible for the safety of your children who are not able to help themselves.

Christianity has nothing to do with abuse...your husband is a sick man and has issues himself if he is abusing his children. There are many sick minded people in the world the Bible tells us that, take action protect your children!! NOW
---Sa on 11/14/07

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When you say abuse, are we talking physical or nagging. Definitions range from nagging to beatings.
So until you define it, we're guessing. If two unbelievers marry and one becomes saved, there's always hope for the unsaved spouse. No one will tell you stay with wife beater.
The consequences of being unequally yoked show up when you're in over your head and with children. If you divorce, that's a hard road for children. Do you have a church home or Christian women that you can talk with?
---Linda on 11/13/07

Mature Christian women are a blessing to a young mother. They can pray, counsel/comfort you and the children.
Mothers can relate to mothers. I hope you have a church home where you can find some help.
---Linda on 11/13/07

You don't say what kind of abuse. But I can tell you it's no piece of cake to divorce your husband and peacefully work out child support and spousal payments to you and visiting rights, and then getting a new husband with the old one still at war, etc. I think that unless you are in physical danger, get any kind of help you can to make your marriage work. You said for better or for worse didn't you? With some good help you could save your family.
---john on 11/13/07

# 3 Again I have related here about an acquaintance of mine who suspected her husband, a church elder, was abusing their daughters. On sharing her concern with the pastor, she was told to shut up for he being the master of the house, could do no wrong. It was later confirmed that he had in fact been abusing the children, but she was blamed because it "must have been her fault" he needed that sexual outlet. And it was she who was told to leave the church.
---alan_of_UK on 11/13/07

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# 4 Kai ... that sort of thing is NOT of God, nor of Jesus. They are grave and gross distortions of what Christianity is all about.
---alan_of_UK on 11/13/07

Dear abused,
If he is physically hurting you and/or your children you need to leave with your children and/or ask him to leave. You, your husband, and children need help. You need to seek counseling which will help you, your husband, and children with the harmful issues and negative cycles going on. Do it before someone gets hurt and/or before it is too late. You cannot keep doing the same things and expect change to happen or occure, that's insane.
---Eugene on 11/13/07

sorry to hear about ur abuse, I was abused as a child and my first marriage. I know how u feel. But ur Father God doesn't want u to have to live like that. I would take my 5 children to somewhere safe and ask god to guide u.ur loving friend in christ
---dela on 11/13/07

# 1 Kai seems to have been turned against Christianity because he/she feels that the Church puts guilt on the victim. Not true, but certain elements may do>For example, some on these blogs (not necessarily the present participants have indicated that since the man is head of the house, the wife has to do just what she is told ... and that to me seems a form of abuse
---alan_of_UK on 11/13/07

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If you, or your children, are being physically abused GET OUT NOW!!!!! Go to a women's shelter and get help. Move out and file legal papers to get your husband to financially support his children. Get therapy for you and your kids. Get into a discipleship relationship with a Godly woman at your church who can guide you into learning the truth about God, and that He is not abusive, as your parents and husband are.
---Trish9863 on 11/13/07

He only abuses me, not the children. I would not tolerate that. But they still have to witness it and that is damaging enough. I know I should leave, but he makes me feel like I can't survive without him.
---mary on 11/13/07

part2-So, the reason why children are being abused is bec. of SIN? Great teachings! more weight on the people who are already suffering! I found out that christians are 'dysfunctional' themselves bec. the relationship they say that christianity is, it does not work.
---kai on 11/13/07

PART 1 - I grew in an abusive home. for years & years, my father used fear, shame, blame,guilt. when I grew up, my feelings, perceptions are based on fear, shame, blame, & guilt.that is why my self-confidence was destroyed. Enter christianity-christians use the same tactics of fear, guilt, shame, blame-if you do not obey god will punish you! self-confidence is not biblical.
---kai on 11/13/07

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Mary: Marriage is ALL ABOUT LOVE period.

no love = no marriage.

You can not have peace with GOd with abuse.

Matthew 5:29
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
---Whisper on 11/13/07

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