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Marriage Was A Mistake

Made a mistake, what should I do? Eight years ago I married a man that I was NOT in love with. He is a good man, provides well for us and he loves and adores me like none other. I am incredibly unhappy, however, please help I don't know what to do.

Moderator - So who do you have your eyes on?

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 ---Beth on 1/19/08
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I expect in the three years since she posed the question, she has probably made up her mind what to do.

Why does CN keep dredging up these old blogs?
---alan8566_of_uk on 2/12/11

the first and only thing you need to do is to see that He is NOW your husband, and let these demonic ideas of this worldly (burning titanicmovie love) you can easely learn how to love your husband and be happy. as you allready mentioned his good qualities focus on them an learn how to love. you-l see once you decide it will come stronger.
---andy3996 on 2/12/11

Do the kindly thing and get out of the marriage. It is hard to fake loving someone. Very tiring and very depressing. Drains the life out of you in the end. But since he love you, you might consider tring to make it work. There are so many conceited and unloving people around these days, it is a miracle the man has the qualities, you say he has. Pray and really think things through before discarding him. Hard to find a good man, this day and age.
---Robyn on 2/11/11

Love him back, for you and he are one flesh and of one body, and not two. Pray to Jesus and ask him to help you to become more "merged" or "married" to your beloved spouse. It is a very special kind of love where two separate souls come together to form a single solitary unit. When you rekindle your liking and caring for your man by desiring to do the little things which make him happy, preparing his favorite food, or whatever things you both like to do together, you will start finding that you really do love each other.
---eloy7794 on 2/6/11

kelsey: "He is the best husband, father and friend but I still am not in love with him"

Most people don't understand the true nature of marriage. It is a divinely ordained institution, and as such requires a third person - God Himself - in order to work. Like heaven, marriage should be a culture of giving, but many people enter it for what they can get out of it. If you give 100% into the marriage, rather than expecting to get 50% out of it, God will inculcate true love in BOTH hearts. I happened to me.
---jerry6593 on 2/6/11

For all of the ladies who chimed in to say they were in the same boat, I say you are in a great position for the Father to show you how to really love. Read 1 Cor 13, esp verses 4-7 repeatedly several times a day and DO exactly what the Word says. Remember that love is an action and not simply a feeling!
---AlwaysOn on 2/5/11

If I had a man who loved me more than anything, was my best friend, was a good provider, good to the kids and me, I would lOVE him. I am not being judgemenal but have seen women whose husband was the opposite of yours. Bet they would trade with you.
---shira3877 on 2/4/11

I am highly irritated by the moderator's comment. Why does unhappiness mean cheating?? Did we read the same question or did the moderator and others on here have access to more info? I came to the site for help for my marriage and all I see here is judgmental and unhelpful posts. Just because one is not in love with her husband does not mean she is looking at other men. I feel the same way she does and another man is the furthest thing from my mind. I married the most wonderful caring man I've ever known. He is the best husband, father and friend but I still am not in love with him. I love him deeply but not like a wife should love her husband. I cry daily but I could never hurt him so I hide it.
---kelsey on 2/4/11

Yes, you are incredibly unhappy anytime you can voice this to strangers and not to your husband. Give him a chance to defend himself! You need to sit him down and tell him exactly what you need, itemized and specifics included. Maybe you are asking for things that he just can fulfill. An honest conversation needs to happen!

Men cannot read women's minds nor vice versa! You must try to have a real conversation with him especially if you say that he really loves you. It would be worth it.

Does he really love you? Think about it and don't answer TOO quickly!
---Sharon on 11/19/10

Divorce biblically is not granted for any old reason, you cannot just feel sorry about a marriage, leave go re-marry, mess up your husband and go cause another man to commit adultery marring you and call you former sin seem like the marriage was a mistake!

You made a mistake in your thinking but the marriage was no mistake. If you backslide and no longer wish to serve God either in the marriage or without it, you can leave.

Only in the case of a husband finding that his wife committed sexual sin with someone else can can he put her way.
---Carla on 11/15/10

Is it possible that some people have TOO HIGH expectations of marriage? Your partner is not there to fulfill your every need.
Granted, some marriages are miserable.
Some are damaged by sin and unfaithfulness. But most are bearable. And it's worthwhile to remember that in most circumstances, your personal happiness depends MOSTLY on YOU!
---Donna66 on 11/12/10

I am in a similar position, but judging from the responses received it appears people assume that there has to be someone else in the picture or that you are ungrateful. In my instance, I got married because I strongly believed that marrying a friend would be the best thing and that love would grow in the relationship. I did fall in love with him at some point during the marriage (or thought i did), but have lost it now. I totally understand how you can have someone who will love you but you still feel empty, as if you,ve cheated yourself. How am I dealing with it, I'm not thats why I came to this site, however, I think I'll go seek one on one advice from non judgemental counsellors. May you find a solution somehow, and may you be blessed
---Tamisa on 11/12/10

you know humanly love is one component of a marriage but its not the only one. Some fall in love,get married and lose the love along the way. Others develop love as they go. Every marriage is unique cause we're all different. It usually when we try to live like our neighbor that we cause trouble in our homes. Your husband loves you/adores u that is alot much better than living with someone who u've lost love with. imagine if your husband didn't care for you, didn't want to listen to you, did everything u disliked...etc. Try your best to make good out of your situation. life unfortunately is not like the movies. The best thing I can tell you is that to ask God why you are in this relationship. continued...
---miley on 10/31/10

continued from last...I completely understand where you're coming from. I am married to someone who's sure 110% its God's will and am over here like God y don't i feel the same way...its day God will tell you/show you why..till then try to live you're life completely devoted to God, and u may just see your husband in a different light. believe it or not there is alot of people in the same boat with you!!! Just think of it like a prayer yet to be answered. I know unanswered prayers can make us unhappy, but be joyful in that it will be answered one day and give praise to God for having somone who loves/adores u, and prolly does so many things for you, all without expecting a love in return.Kinda seems like christ's love doesn't it???
---miley on 10/31/10

Jesus says in Matt 19 that it is hardness of heart that leads people to divorce. Those who are hard of heart will always seek exaggerated justifications to dump their partner, regardless of what God says. The flesh is weak and will always give in to thinking the worst instead of trusting in God's counsel.

As the moderator said at the start of this blog, "So who do you have your eyes on?"
---Haz27 on 10/24/10

I needed companionship, and was very lonely and ended up letting a man into my life that deep down had no attraction to, physcially, mentally or emotionally, I ended up marrying him because we were having sex, and it is a sin, I hoped that God sent me this man and he would become the man I could love, but instead he turned out to be financially bankrupt, smokes like a chimney, drinks, no communication, nothing in common, no sexuall intimancy, nothing, we dont' talk and when I try to talk he closes up, I am miserable, lonely again, lost, hopeless because getting a divorce is a sin, so i am stuck, did god really intend for us to be this way?
---kathleen on 10/24/10

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So What Made You Marrie Him? My Friend's Wife Told Me She Married Him To Get Her Ex Mad And She Eat's His Heart Out All Day And He Does Every Thing For Her.....
---Destiney on 7/6/10

Pray that God should help you in your heart to love this man that you have described in glowing terms. If the devil has fixed your attention on another man, be sure it is for your destruction not for your good. If Eve had opportunity to be advised like this website is granting you, maybe she wouldn't have eaten the forbidding fruit. Use the name of the Lord Jesus Christ to remove your attention, mind and focus from others to your husband please!
---Adetunji on 6/11/10

in the words of the Moderator - So who do you have your eyes on?
---francis on 6/8/10

Unfortunately, I am in the same boat as you are. I do think there is something we are looking for and are looking in the wrong place. I left my husband 2 yrs ago, we were seperated for 10months and have been back together for a yr now. I pray a lot for God to help me love him unconditionally. It is very challenging when you do not like the person or feel any connection. I feel sure God is trying to teach us something in this situation.
---amanda on 6/7/10

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What was your mistake? If you are "incredibly unhappy" in this situation, what would it take to make you happy!? What do you want?
You may not realize it, but you won't find anybody better. Don't reward your loving husband with rejection because you think you made a "mistake".

YOU married him. LEARN to love him the way he is! If he's not perfect, remember, neither are you. You can have a good marriage but you have to work at it!
---Donna66 on 5/30/10

I'm confused? He loves you, adores you, provides for you, and from the sound of it, asks nothing in return? And the problem is?... I looked at another response, think about it, if a man who is all the above is not enough for you, what do you seek? Younger, abusive, deceitful, uncaring??
---Ryan on 5/30/10

I cannot believe this question. Why are you not on your knees praising God for such a wonderful husband? You do not know what unhappiness is. It would do you good to work in a place where women who were abused take refuge. In love? Where is that in the Bible. You mean in lust!
---frances008 on 3/23/08

They say Be careful what you wish for. You might get it.
---frances008 on 3/23/08

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I speak from experience, I was once that man for eight years and though the girl and boy were hers i cared for them as if they were my own. Then one day thank the Lord I relized that I was just a meal ticket, she never did love me. That feeling of decietfulness and betrayel it's unamaginable to describe the pain. Tell him the truth and set him free. Eight years of living a selfish lie for his sake must come to an end.
---Antonio on 3/23/08

Happiness comes from within so find out what is causing this in you. As you start loving yourself you will find it easier to love your husband especially if he is the way you say he is. Our happiness comes from the Lord not from other people.
---Marilyn on 2/29/08

How heartbreaking for your husband ...8 LONG YEARS you take from him everything ..all his love ...his adoration ...and it's clear you give nothing in return ...or else you would not be unhappy ...and you seek help for your self impossed unhappiness? When you learn to appreciate the love bestowed upon you by this man who cherishes you so will learn to love in return ...until then seek God in prayer asking for forgiveness for not returning the love given to you
---Rhonda on 2/2/08

You sound exactly like my ex-wife and our situation. She was bored, said she 'gave it everything', but in reality gave very little. In the last six months of our marriage she started a relationship w guy 12 years younger(22)Since our divorce a year and half ago, she's had relationships with at least 5 other 20 somethings lasting a couple of months each plus numerous encounters, she started using alcohol & drugs, became a terrible mother, but says she's 'happy' and doing what God wants her to do.
---jeff on 2/2/08

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Its a spiritual issue. rebeliousness and wanting things God does not want for you. From the other is destructive...very painful. My kids struggle, I struggle...but we are strong in our faith and love and trust God...but because of her selfishness...we all have to go through an extremely painful thing that we'll need healing for and will last a lifetime. Seek God and Christian counseling and do anything to obey God.
---jeff on 2/2/08

Pharisee is 100% correct--read his blogs MANY times!
This happened to my son and I thought his heart would break. Several months after he married a young lady that he had known for 12 years, and dated for 5, she started making these same statements. She agreed to go to counseling w/him, but later refused.
She said she had 'made a mistake' and missed being single. Movers come while he was at work and she was gone when he got 'home.' Love is a CHOICE, and needs nurturing, it doesn't just 'happen.'
---NVBarbara on 2/2/08

"Made a mistake"

The time for thinking this way is over, YOU made vows, and said till death do you part.

"what should I do?"

Learn as much as you can about Jesus,(REALLY NOT KIDDING) this is the only way you'll know him for who he is, and have the proper awareness (faith) of his presence.

You may not think you need this, but the first three words you wrote proves you are not thinking his thoughts after orphan- Peace be unto you
---Pharisee on 1/19/08

If you're not sure when you die you'll be with Jesus, you need to seek him. He's also the solution for this life.

No he's no genie in a bottle, but what he does is smoother and also permanent (remind you of anything?) He changes the way you look at EVERYTHING.

When that spirit is revealing darkness within you it means God's hand is upon you, better still, as you study scriptures they'll leap off the page to show you- you cry pray, grow and gain power over sins in your life. Receive him.
---Pharisee on 1/19/08

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Beth, if it's not enough to be married to a good man who loves and provides for you, what do you wish in order to be happy? The Bible says, "be content with such things as you have," in Hebrews 13:5. Is **God*** good enough for you? If He is, be content like He says to be. **His*** love will satisfy us, IF we are in this love, "and you will find rest for your souls." (see Matthew 11:28-30) But if Jesus and a good man are not good enough for you, you have a deep conceit problem..
---Bill_bila5659 on 1/19/08

Ladies of early 20th Century would have told you "you made your bed,now lie in it". Frankly thats still is true. You can decide in your heart to love your husband,it may not be the thrill of initial lust provoked exciting "love",but if you take each good point about him and admire him for the great and wonderful person he is,you can learn to love him. You're unhappy because you are looking for a way out. STOP IT! Look for a way to stay in! You're incredibly blessed! Open your heart.
---Darlene_1 on 1/19/08

Beth....Who determines whether you are happy or not? It isn't your husband. It is you. Obviously, you are determined to be unhappy. I expect you are not so much unhappy as you are bored with this nice man. Were your relationships in the past with men who treated you badly? Perhaps you miss the adrenaline of a bad relationship. Seems to me it would be easier to "decide" to fall in love with the wonderful man to whom you are now married.
---Susie on 1/19/08

Cinderella, your marriage was not a mistake.
Like attracts like.
You would be incredibly unhappy with any man after the new wears off.
You are the wrong woman for the right man.
If you divorce, you should remain unmarried and leave men alone, single, younger or other married men. You have a serious problem that adulterous affairs will not fix.
---Mark on 1/19/08

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Eight long years ago, you started blogging and telling us about your loveless marriage.
If you look at all of the questions that pertain to your loveless marriage, and the answers that help you with your writing therapy, we see manipulation.
---Mark on 1/19/08

The greatest manipulation is very apparent when you do not receive the answers that you like.
So you comfort and recognise yourself through writing therapy, and slap everyone else around. If you finally run off with someone, the rest of us will temporarily catch a break from this soap opera love affair with sin. But you'll back for your writing therapy fix, manipulating men and the blogs has become for you like too many hits from a bong.
---Mark on 1/19/08

Wow. He deserves a faithful wife.
Too bad he didn't find one.
---Rebekah on 1/19/08

I've been a pastor for 22 years and I've found one thing to be true. When people like yourself are wanting out they are either running from something or too something. Your reason is the same as Jacob's. He got the wrong spouse too. At least you did it willfully. He was in love with Rachel and got Leah. He kept Leah because it was the right thing to do. The right thing for you is to love your husband. He must be going through hell living with you. May God help you do the right thing.
---john on 1/19/08

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Although God does want you to be happy, he doesn't call you, or tell you to be happy. But he does call you and tell you to love and reverence your husband. You are walking in disobedience. Don't run away, there are no better husbands out there for you. You are not in a mistake. You are in a life covenant and now need to make it work so you will be happy. Obviously, you have a head start on most poeple as they don't even have a nice spouse like you do. Ask God to help you love him. I'm sure he will.
---john on 1/19/08

I can tell you who.
Think about staying away from the Prom, Cinderella.
If the shoe fits, wear it. But stay home. The charming prince will become a frog and you may become a pumpkin.
---Mark on 1/19/08

Marriage is not about being in love. "in love" implies emotions which waver. It usually involves infatuation and a false perception of a person. There should be passion and attraction in marriage but even these things will fluctuate. Love is about actions(1 Corinthians 13). Find your happiness in God. Be thankful that you have a husband who puts his love into action. Choose to do the same for him and just maybe the "in love" piece will come.
Blessings to you.
---pg1 on 1/19/08

Moderator ... Maybe Beth has fallen for another man, but is it not a bit presumptious of you to assume that is the case.
I can imagine in this situation that, realising that she has made mistake, she has no intention of making another, and probably is determined to keep well away from men, at least in the immediate future.
---alan_of_UK on 1/19/08

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