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Wife Sleeping With Guys

How do I forgive my 'christian' ex-wife after adultery, divorcing me, sleeping with guys openly, etc.-all the pain that comes up everyday...How do I tell kids to respond to her-to her 'friends' she sleeps with (and kids know)-and claims of godliness to them? Its more pain and damage everyday.

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 ---In_pain on 3/20/08
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in-pain: You can forgive her through your love for your children. Forgive...Not forget. Focus on the love you have for your children and the positive things in your life, pray for your own healing and for the healing of your children. Soon, all that you will see are the blessings in your life. The pain and misery will fade. I know it hurts now and it seems as though it will never heal, but time and prayer heal all. Focus on Blessings!!!
---Debbie on 4/3/08

Julie: In-pain's wife owes him no explanation for her behavior, as reprehensible as it is. He needs to just pray for her and his kids, and steer clear of her and move on with his life.
---Trish9863 on 4/2/08

I think maybe you should talk to her about your feelings and tell her that you would like an explination.from julie3664
---julie on 4/2/08

"Cindy" In-pain just wanted advice, not attacks . How can you be so callus? How can you even call yourself a Christian, you are acting very bitter, and judgmental. I am sorry to be so blunt, but if you can not offer anything constructive then don't offer anything at all. Please be kinder in your answers. I thought we were here to guide? Not condemn.
---pgfdottie on 4/2/08

KarenD, What sort of minister are you?
---Glen on 3/31/08

Irene:: I believe The Holy spirit descends on those in adversity He is not called the comforter for nothing.
---Emcee on 3/30/08

---Im Pain::since she is your EX why should you feel responsible?Her guilt action and shame is her's alone. She will answer for herself as you also will.Do not expose her dirty linnen .Pray if you must.Don't feel sorry for yourself .Life goes on.Sorry if I see reality in a different light.
---Emcee on 3/29/08

Just a couple of examples out of many here Nana:
"Take my hand Precious Lord" written by Tommy Dorsey in his grief soon after his wife and baby died.
"It is Well with my Soul" written shortly after a (lawyer) received word that his 4 children had drowned, as he reflected on the verse in Romans 8:28 .
---Irene on 3/28/08

(1) Nana: You say "I have found that eloquency is not the usual craft of those suffering & in pain....usually the means of poets..." (3/24/08)
Do you realize some of the most beautiful & well-loved Christian hymns were written by people in grief, despair, trials & sad circumstances? They were not poets ~they wrote out of that which they had certain knowledge.
---Irene on 3/28/08

Dearest In_pain, She is apparently a "Christian" in name only. How old are your children? Have you ever asked her where in the Bible she could justify her behavior? Claiming Godliness with no basis has to be rather confusing. If the children are old enough, maybe you can explain that mom has lost her way and needs their prayers. But is up to you to take the higher ground.
---pgfdottie on 3/28/08

The problem in-pain has is not love. It's jealousy!
---Susie on 3/25/08

Some of you guys need to read your bible. God hates divorce and it is not His will for this to have happened, even if we pick the wrong person. He likens marriage to Christ and the church. That's Huge! Focusing on God and letting Him love through you is THE only way to get through this. Keeping your children away (unless they are in danger) only makes it worse. God is a Big God and he is Able to take care of you, your children and your ex-wife.
---Melanie on 3/25/08

wow emotionless... I would have thought it was Jesus. Faith of a mustard seed
---rosalie on 3/25/08

I have found that eloquency is not the usual craft of
those suffering and in pain. Eloquency on pain, that is
usually the means of poets who are not in real pain but
rather speak of their ponderings on the subject.
---Nana on 3/24/08

I found eloquency in a "15" year old, "Mom's Ungodly
Lifestyle". Also on the "Uninvited To Catholic Wedding".
Here I find more of the same. "In_pain" knows the Alpha
and the Omega, from when things started to where they
will end. Surely knows how to put the Cindy in her
place... Advice? Treat your ex as you treat Cindy and
you'll have no pain.
---Nana on 3/24/08

Don't use Cindy as an excuse to stop blogging, by all
means do stay and join the many discussions on this
site. Cindy is quite eloquent herself and has much good
advice too. Let us know you better and shun away
from doing what others have done, which thing is to
flash a "Christian" badge, claim some Godly rights and
---Nana on 3/24/08

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In Pain: I can tell you've left, I can tell you've been hurt because I've been there before
I can tell by your eyes of all the nights you've cried
Til you couldn't cry anymore
But Jesus can heal the hurts that you feel
broken hearts were made to be mended.
The day will come you won't cry anymore. Rest assured your life hasn't ended
---char on 3/24/08

It's hard to forget the feeling that you had ,when someone walked out the door and I know you're confused, you feel like you've been used, because I have been there before. but please don't you cry because a friend is by your side, a friend who won't let you down, decide to put him first in your life you won't regret what you've found, because Jesus can heal the hurts that you feel broken hearts are made to be mended . The day will come you won't cry anymore, rest asssured your life hasn't ended
---char on 3/24/08

If herpes and other STD's don't stop her, Aids will. I hate to be so blunt but it is a very terrible reality for those who are out of control,sexually, these days.Tell your kids to continue to love and respect their mom. Pray for her that her eyes will be opened to the error and mistakes of her life. Pray for her yourself,too.Thank God he took you out of this sad situation, before she passed a disease on to you and wrecked your life. You should be grateful to God. He took you out of a hellish situation.
---Robyn on 3/24/08

In_pain, You came here for support. Thankfully you got Godly council and not all judged you like Cindy.You should not have had to defend yourself.God certainly understands where you are right now. Cindy-Do you somehow believe God agrees with how you have responded? Is this how God responds when we hurt? Can you find a place in the bible that says to kick someone while they are down?I will pray for you.
---Kella3336 on 3/24/08

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Wow! I hope this is not another of those trap questions that keeps arising to catch us out. I have not read the previous replies. You need to keep your children away from your wife. You can forgive her from a safe distance for the welfare and spiritual good of your children. When they are old enough let them decide.
---frances008 on 3/23/08

I just read the responses and you have a lot of different opinions. I think you ought to put as much DISTANCE as possible between you and the bad memories. Then start anew with a positive spirit. Don't let the past define you. You made a mistake in the choice of partner, were deceived, etc. Let God take control of your future away from her. My opinion only.
---frances008 on 3/23/08

in-pain...How long have you been divorced? The sad part about your posts are that you are still terribly in love with this woman who has treated you so badly. What will she have to do that will make you finally stop loving her? I will pray for you.
---Susie on 3/24/08

Forgiveness is not automatic nor unconditional, for repentance is prerequisite and mandatory in order to obtain forgiveness: else there is no forgivenes granted, but only condemnation and destruction.
---Eloy on 3/23/08

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She broke your vow and broke wedlock, therefore you are under no obligation to be defrauded by her. It is your free choice if you let her sin continue to damage you, or not. "If your right hand offend you, cut it off, and throw from you: for it is profitable for you that one of your members should perish, and not your whole body should be thrown into hell."
---Eloy on 3/23/08

Please Read- I Corinthians 7:3-5, 10-16.
---Eloy on 3/23/08

I was told about this site from a family member and I thought I'd try it out. Thanks to all that responded to my question, took the time to actually hear it, and gave some advice to my situation. Each time events take place, I'll continue to lean on the Lord for strength and peace..over time, I pray the events will not produce the same effect. Thanks for the encouragement to those that prayerfully responded with a Christian spirit.
---In_Pain on 3/23/08

To Cindy, all I will say is, I will pray for you. Other than my ex-who now lives a totally worldly life, I've never been so confused as to how someone that calls themselves a 'Christian' can be so off base as to facts in a discussion and have such a negative, argumentative, angry, and attacking spirit. May God bring healing and peace to your spirit and your mind. I will no longer respond to you-you try to instigate arguments and I will not participate.
---In_pain on 3/23/08

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The term "christian" is used too loosely in our society today. It doesn't mean what it did to the early christians. In the bible they were willing to die ( and most did) for their belief in Jesus Christ. You cannot change your ex-wife or how she is affecting your children. You can strengthen your relationship with God and teach your children from the word of God. Focus on God not her or the pain. Your children will see the difference.
---Melanie on 3/23/08

I have also learned that the details change from day to day, and answers are not really wanted at all.

This is a form of self-therapy, writing to one's self, and offering sympathy that somehow helps one make it until the next day's set of problems.
---Cindy on 3/23/08

Pain I goofed on ya bro, there's two more entires to this blog that are posted on "judging other's faults"

If you put that together with what's written here you'll find a conclusion to my drivel.

You are not alone in your suffering, God sees people he loves running the race of destruction daily and your ex is among their number.
---pharisee on 3/23/08

I've been here many years and I do know the routine.
When shocking details are shared, asked in 5000 different ways, and the self therapy of sympathy is given, it produces zip.

The next day, the drill begins again.
When answers are given that are not filled with sympathy - anger and more unforgiveness is exchanged, and a total reversal and defense for the one giving the pain.
It is bizarre, but after about 5 years, I do know that more sympathy will not heal any of these problems.
---Cindy on 3/23/08

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Cindy-please keep your thoughts to yourself going forward. I understand what you're saying and may agree if it were anywhere near the case, however you are completely wrong and I will not get into it with you or explain why because you do not seem humble or helpful in your attitude, only argumentative, fault-finding, and accusing-not what I expected from a 'Christian' on this site, but I will pray for you too.
---In_Pain on 3/23/08

I will pray for you Cindy, it seems you need it more than me. Please stop trying to promote the complete fabrication and distortion of facts as you are presenting them about me or my family and making personal attacks. Pride goeth before destruction you know?
---In_pain on 3/23/08

May God bless each one on here who in love and compassion have given Godly wisdom, advice, and encouragement to this man. It mayh be a small thing to you, but to God, what we do for Him will not go unnoticed.
---Irene on 3/22/08

Cindy: I would suggest you read your comments in the recent blog titled "Judge Other Christian Faults" (3/19/08) and apply your same responses to the Christian man here who is hurting so badly. The pedestal you put yourself on as all-knowing judge & jury is by no means Christ-like. Ask the Lord to give you a heart after God, with loving kindness to those who hurt no matter why, and forgive your haughty attitude and give you humility.
---Irene on 3/22/08

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Thomas & Shawn-Thanks. I've come a long way..really leaned on the Lord and He's seen me through. Just certain things still get to me..the initial feeling of those situations are just as hard as when it started happening with no warning a year ago. I deal with it better now, but I thought it's supposed to fade and go away with time. HAHA. Doesn't seem to be. Ex treats me so badly, I just am totally confused by it.
---in_pain on 3/22/08

Thomas & Shawn-Thanks. I've come a long way..really leaned on the Lord and He's seen me through. Just certain things still get to me..the initial feeling of those situations are just as hard as when it started happening with no warning a year ago. I deal with it better now, but I thought it's supposed to fade and go away with time. HAHA. Doesn't seem to be. Ex treats me so badly, I just am totally confused by it.
---in_pain on 3/22/08

Use your emotion to express your feelings, that's what they're made for.

The Lord didn't use one word when he looked at Peter when the cock crowed, but the pain in his eyes that Jesus CAN NOT mask (holiness doesn't shrink from being known or knowing another) crushed Peter's heart.

You want to turn your ex-wife to Jesus be transparent without fear and without words beyond what's needed to communicate.

Poor in Spirit.
---pharisee on 3/22/08

Susie-my wife was committing adultery among other things and left our family-I love her,forgive her, pray for her,and would have her back in a heartbeat if she repented and recommitted her life to Christ. She started looking at homes on our culdesac-I asked her not to move so close if she was going to sleep around-but she did anyway, has nothing to do with kids..she really doesnt see them.
---in_pain on 3/22/08

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Apparently Cindy believes hurt them before they hurt you. Or maybe she was thinking of her life growing up. In Pain: It is hard to just let go and give it to God. One can't do this overnight. Something happen to me as a child, and I hated this person. I took baby-steps with the Lord's help. I got out of that dark hole I was in. I had to lean on God and my husband the whole time. I truly have a peace of mind. This situation you're in is a battlefield of the mind, a stronghold.
---Rebecca_D on 3/22/08

Self therapy, requires a daily dose of sympathy, with little results. None.

I'm familiar with the routine, the drill and insatiable desire for attention, sympathy and self pity. Positive outcome - zip.

Having children does not make one a parent.
Being a parent is a full time responsibilty and putting the welfare of children above the emotions and or feelings of unforgiveness, bitterness that leads to hatred for the ex-spouse.
---Cindy on 3/22/08

My concern is for the children, as they are unable to move away from the "Bickersons", at this particular time. One day, they will.

What you give them before they move away will stay with them for the rest of their life. Weakness of character is not Christ-like or biblical.
You're setting an example for the children that tells them it's alright to be unforgiving towards their mother or anyone else.
---Cindy on 3/22/08

That "in pain", sniveling, hand wringing, floor pacing, drive-by looky-loo behavior is a pain in the you know what.

Earlier, response was requested from the son's point of view about "mom". I'm not manipulated very easily and recognise a snow job when I see one.
Sympathy addiction is a compulsion that only the Holy Spirit can deliver you from.
---Cindy on 3/22/08

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Peace for your soul is found in Jesus Christ, but not the way you think.

You are still walking in your pain, and haven't distanced yourself from what suppresses your healing.

YOU have to find a way to redeem her in your own heart. God and kids still love her and so MUST YOU! Know what you know and bury it. Remember her the way she was before this and the things you loved about her and even in sin let her be no one else in your mind.

If you won't let her go you'll go down with her.
---pharisee on 3/22/08

My dear friend, my heart goes out to you , this is one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through. (Cindy if you have never walked in his shoes, please do not be so quick to judge him.) I will pray for God to give you grace to get through this, HE is the only one who can take away your pain, you cannot do it on your own. Please take care, may God bless and keep you
---char on 3/21/08

In Pain over Cindy's posts (then re-read again) ...she has given much wisdom in her postings to you on this matter

I'll only add this focus on forgiving at this point is to focus on your pain ...stop focusing on what your wife DID

Focus on keeping your children focused on school and not on the gossip of their mother ...focus on your job and building righteous character

continued focus and dwelling on your wife's sins you will remain a slave to her sins
---Rhonda on 3/21/08

In Pain

once you correct your focus - stop dwelling on the past (whats done is done) forgiveness will come ...slowly at first ...the LONGER you dwell (everyday dwelling) the harder it becomes to forgive and you remain a prisoner to all that your wife did wallowing in your pain ...pain turns to anger, and anger to resentment is only self seeking and your children deserve more from their father than an angry bitter man
---Rhonda on 3/21/08

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Christ provided a guide to fitful marital living. This include mutual trust, therefore divorce, he said, is possible on adultry only as it is a breach of that trust. Forgive though.
---makinde on 3/22/08

Come on Cindy give the guy a break. He is a victim here as well. I agree that he needs to pick himself up by the bootstraps and move on and that can only be done through much prayer and meditation, but a little feeling sorry for yourself is going to happen when something like this happens in a marriage. Forgivness will take time but Christ will help you get there. You will be fine brother I will pray for you and your children. God Bless
---Thomas on 3/21/08

In Pain
1) You say that *Everything else in my life and other relationships is fine.* if this is true, focus on these peaceful opportunities instead of your painful problems with your ex! If you focus on the opportunities of life the problems of life will pass you by? And vies versa? Think About It?
---Shawn.M.T on 3/21/08

2) If this is your only painful problem, you should be thanking God and know that you have a great life? Not to belittle your pain or anything. Just saying that we all should spend our time counting the blessings in our lives!

Keep encouraging your children in the Word of the Lord, so when they are in pain or need of help they will have the foundation of Gods Word to raise them above the pain.
---Shawn.M.T on 3/21/08

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3) As far as your ex is concerned! No one expects nor wants you to every have a cold hard emotionless heart. But you need to not allow your emotion *To Have You*! Any time you come into contact with those moments of wrathful pain and feelings of stabbing in your heart, you need to pray for your ex and ask the Lord to forgive you both by showing you both how to live in the peace of forgiveness.
---Shawn.M.T on 3/21/08

in-pain...I have one question. Why do you live so close to your ex? Did she move just around the corner from where you live?
---Susie on 3/21/08

Cindy,Im confused as to the attack? It seems you didn't even read the question or subsequent entries. Because one is injured and pained and seeks a solution does not render them incapable of living a Christian life or being a super parent. Have you ever gone through trouble or pain, asked for direction? Were you attacked and told you weren't being a good parent and had 'sympathy addiction'? It's an unfortunate attack based on inaccurate and uninformed conclusions.
---in_pain on 3/21/08

"in pain", you need a deliverance from unforgiveness, or it will cause more rejection for the children and yourself.

The very thing you do not want, more rejection from family and others will be yours if you are not delivered from unforgiveness.

This is one of the devil's strongest devices to destroy the family.
---Cindy on 3/21/08

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If you're not strong enough to resist the devil and tell him to flee from your mind, heart and command him to get out of your house, you need a strong Christian that can.
But it will be up to you, your complete responsiblity to keep the household together by the renewing of your mind, every day.

It's not a one time fix, it's a decision to renew the mind by the Word of God, each and every day for survival for the rest of your lives.
---Cindy on 3/21/08

Leon-thanks for the words of direction and encouragement. Cindy--I don't really get where you're coming from other than it seems you want to knock someone down. I don't badmouth or mope around anyone...I'm a great parent who is involved with my children and give them excellent support and guidance. I was simply asking a question-hopefully without being attacked-about a specific fact of personally feeling pain during certain situations. Sympathy addiction does not apply.
---In_pain on 3/21/08

Children need a fit parent. If the other parent is unfit as described, the other one had better take up the slack, immediately.

Fit does not mean berating, badmouthing the other parent.

Leaders lead by example. The job of raising these children is a responsibility resting on your shoulders to give them the best start they deserve.
---Cindy on 3/21/08

I am honest.

It is looking for sympathy and it can become an addiction.
Self-pity, needing constant sympathy is not forgiveness, and it's a not a Christ-like example of leadership for children.
It is sowing more seeds of discord, unforgiveness and teaching children to put the other parent in a very bad light.

The only benefit sympathy or self-pity addiction gives the one who is harboring ships and ships of unforgiveness - is constant attention directed back towards one's self.
---Cindy on 3/21/08

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Spending abnormal amounts of time with their victims, their children, or anyone who will listen to it, makes the mind and heart sick.

It makes the minds and hearts of their children sick. Sick with grief, sick with misplaced guilt and blame. It makes everyone around the self-pity, sympathy addicted one sick.
---Cindy on 3/21/08

At some point, the victims either reject or refuse to enable that one needing constant sympathy, self-pity - feeding that addiction.

If the children can survive all of that unforgiveness and bitterness without being tainted by it, it is a miracle of God protecting them from it, so it does not destroy their life.
It is God's love that protects their minds and hearts from following in their parent's footsteps.

God, save these children from emotional damage due to their parent's problems.
---Cindy on 3/21/08

More pain and damage is a result of unforgiveness, bitterness.

If this is passed on to the children, and they're suffering because of it, it is on account of parents that are more concerned for self than the children.

One day those kids will leave, and if this is not stopped now, the legacy and memories they will remember is the bitterness and unforgiveness that's being shown to them each day.
---Cindy on 3/21/08

In_pain: If reconciliation is possible go for it, but it takes the two of you to be reconciled. If she's unwilling, then you need to trust God & move on with your life, & let God deal with her. As a Christian, ask the Lord for strength to forgive her, pray for her & encourage your children to do the same. Protect & pray for your children. Be the Godly, Christian father & don't let their mother's ungodly lifestyle influence or further damage them. You're in my prayers brother.
---Leon on 3/21/08

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No matter what your feelings are toward your ex, it is good that you do not talk bad about her in front of your children. When I'm upset with my husband, I don't bad talk to him or about him to my kids. The only way to handle this is to hand it over to God. Yes it is easier said than done. But if you can learn to rise above your ex wife foolish ways, then you have conquered this situation and it no longer has a strong hold on you. This will bother you as long as you let it.
---Rebecca_D on 3/21/08

I feel like I've forgiven her-told her I've forgiven her,asked her to forgive me of anything I've done wrong, and pray for her regularly-pray about this a lot. It's just at those instances when she treats me so terribly in various ways, or as I said-I see she's sleeping with another guy, or does things that hurt the kids or gives them BAD instruction or example, when I know she is lost and apart from just seems to stab me in the heart. Everything else in my life and other relationships is fine.
---in_pain on 3/21/08

In Pain: Get some Godly counsel, and work through these feelings you are experiencing.
---Trish9863 on 3/21/08

In pain-I am sorry for your pain.I have never had this happen to me so I can't imagine how sad you feel.God understands. I will pray for you, your kids, and your ex wife as well.take care and God bless.
---Kella3336 on 3/21/08

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Well-it all sounds good. !)No, there is NO OTHER way-ONLY STREET-out of development, so I HAVE to drive by her house. 2) I have a great relationship with my kids and try to encourage and help their relationship with their mother as much as I can even though she doesn't seem to really want them and her actions are detrimental to them.
---in_pain on 3/21/08

So, the person that saw your abuser each week? I've already told her I forgive her. You interacted with them and felt no emotion or anything...just like they were any other person and nothing ever happened? So when I wave to ex with kids, for example, and its returned by my ex with a scowl, nasty words,and nasty text..I should feel nothing? When I see diff guys there for the woman I married, love and pray for...feel nothing? Doesn't seem real..seems like being emotionless.
---in_pain on 3/21/08

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm looking for a practical way to end what I'm feeling by events that happen on an almost daily basis-they were background and just some examples. Those are situations...I think would affect most people if they were honest. Also, its the kids that are upset by her actions, the way she treated them, and what she tries to tell them. My youngest gets very confused. Thanks.
---in_pain on 3/21/08

It is unlike us to forgive our enemies and those that hurt us. But it is just like Jesus to forgive. I know what it is like to be cheated on by a spouse. I know the hurt. But I had 2 choices. 1. I could sit around and mope and pity myself or 2. I could just let it go, leave it behind. We ended up a divorce, but I have peace. You have a choice. Are you going to let your past ruin your life and your relationship with your kids? Or are you going to give it God and claim peace in the mind? Psalms 122:7.
---Rebecca_D on 3/20/08

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Part 1 I did not have an ex-wife to deal with but I had to see the person almost every week that was my childhood abuser, and every time I sore them the pain, anger, frustration, hurt and sometimes rage would come rushing back. Its called unforgiveness and victimhood which ever way you look at it. The way I found relief was by being totally broken upon the cross and accepting Jesus forgiveness in place of my unforgiveness.
---rosalie on 3/20/08

Part 2 For me it was immediate relief when I asked Jesus to come be my forgiveness. I had to go to that person and let them know they are forgiven and also ask for their forgiveness (even though I was abused) for my unforgiveness towards him. I am able to separate the sin from the person and hate the sin and love the person. If you experience pain, angst even rage, its a sure sign of unforgivness. There are no victims in Jesus only VICTORY
---rosalie on 3/20/08

Your pain is something you need to deal with yourself. It is the jealousy that you have inside that is causing this pain. You do not have to drive by her house every day. I'm sure there are other routes you can take. The longer you let this jealousy rage, the harder it will be for you to go on with your life. The Lord said that if you do not forgive her, HE cannot forgive you. Do you bad-mouth her to HER children. They see enough without you doing that.
---Susie on 3/20/08

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