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Can't See Granddaughters

My daughter in-law doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone else in our family. They live 3000 miles away it makes me so sad she will not visit us on any holidays or let us be a part of our two granddaughters life. What to do?

Moderator - Why is your son allowing it?

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 ---dee on 5/6/08
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If there hasn't been an official falling out--a fight, a nasty divorce, that sort of thing--I'd wonder if the daughter-in-law fears for her daughters' safety.

Even the best of families can have a relative or family friend that's not safe to let kids around, be it from drug use or worse. And many families don't even have a clue.

But ASK why. You might not get visits, but you should be able to at least get birthday-card-and-phone-call rights.
---Nancy on 5/11/08

Laws change, with Supreme Court ruling in favor of mother in Troxel vs Granville. Mother let children see Grandmother but not as much as she wanted. Court ruled as long as parent isn't cutting Grandparents completely our of childs life it is parents right under Constution that a custodial parent directs the course of their childs life. Texas now recognizes this ruling,parents determine visitation, sure other States do. Texas,There isn't a law giving Grandparents Rights just legal recourse.
---Darlene_1 on 5/9/08

I have to side with the monderator on this -were is the son? Or, is he the problem? Is he the one who made his wife object to this by talking in a negative manner concerning you? Regardless, they should not punish the granddaughters, and that's what they are doing. You might ask the daughter in-law as to why this attitude. If she won't talk with you, maybe you can find a mediator. Grandparents do have legal rights in regards to their grandchildren!
---wivv on 5/8/08

I agree! Why? Ask your son, what is your problem? There really is not much of an excuse. You were good to him while raising him, right? It seems to me that it is your son who has the problem, not you.
---catherine on 5/8/08

For all who had wonderful grandparents it's hard to think there are some who aren't. With the obvious animosity the grand parent has for the mother it would be very foolish to let gchildren around her. It's more prevalent than thought that the grandmother may try to turn the children against the mother,to undermine the mother-child relationship,so the children will turn to her. Dee's poorme-boohoo attitude is a red flag,warning proceed with caution. Putting all blame on parent is a poisonious mind set.
---Darlene_1 on 5/7/08

I would arrange to for ALL of the adults to meet together and discuss things.

Why? ...this isn't a custody issue

the word "LET" is deceiving ...daughter-in-law doesn't live nearby - 3000 miles away...considerable expense and time travel ...does her family live close by spending holidays with them due to less expense? what about time off from work for visit not everyone can take holidays off from their employer ...where is son in all of this?
---Rhonda on 5/7/08

good question moderator. also agree with darleen1, something must have happened for her to behave this way - family didn't approve marriage at first, used to speak ill of her, didn't even want to see the kids at first and seeing that the couple won't seperate/devorce, they want things to change overnight. if ever there's something you did which led to this - humble yourselfs, go and talk about it and apologise. don't just switch on and start being nice from nowhere and expect her to follow suite.
---Thabi on 5/7/08

Is she even still married to the son? If she found out things about him that the parents did not tell her, which they should have . . .

Grace . . . we are here to be in grace to minister to these people, not to be just figuring out ways to get what we want.
---Bill_bila5659 on 5/7/08

First, the girls are your dil's and son's children BEFORE they are your grandchildren.

Next. you complain that they won't go 3000 miles to visit you. Are you willing to go 3000 miles to visit them?
---kumquat on 5/6/08

This is sad, but what happens when there is a problem in a marriage. When the children are old enough they will be able to move home and go where they want to. So regard it as just a temporary problem. Continue to phone and write letters. Can you write to them at a different Box No. or through a friend or organization like a church? a lawyer? a bank? Think about it. There must be a solution to your problem.
---frances008 on 5/6/08

Without even knowing the circumstances people immediately took the grandparents side. For all you know there are valid reasons they don't see the grandchildren,beginning with 3000 miles away,parents may not can afford to go so far. Has anything happened on grandparents part to turn daughter-in-law against them? There usually are good reasons when this happens and you only have one side. Maybe mother-in-law needs the prayer. See its wrong to judge without all the facts.
---Darlene_1 on 5/6/08

It sounds like there is some degree of conflict here. However, everyone is afraid to talk about things. The parents, and grandparents, need to look beyond their "passive aggressive" behaviors. ALL of the adults needs to ask themselves: What is the "best" for the children? Do they want to see their grandparents?

I would arrange to for ALL of the adults to meet together and discuss things. If necessary, have a Pastor, counselor, psychologist, etc. be the mediator.
---Augie on 5/6/08

Share your deep emotional love even when it cuts like a knife.

The need for a strong bond between grand parent and child has never been greater, and the love bond is what we share with Jesus. As we suffer selflessly we gain, and are stronger than any who will fear to weep.

Surrender your dignity if this is what it takes, do it for them, do it for your Lord. Pray for Daughter in law (2 Tim2:24-26) cries of honesty in brokenness seldom go unnoticed with God.
Moderator- great question.
---pharisee on 5/6/08

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