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Options For A Separation

Married almost 12 years - husband never defends me and lets others put me down e.g. his father, a pastor. Had fights about this - he said I drive him crazy. I want a husband who will make me feel safe and valued. I know God hates divorce. Can anyone tell me what options I have regarding separation?

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 ---sonja on 5/24/08
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Somehow, I know I've hit the mark, or passive aggression would not be using my name to write any and every thing you can think of to discredit my own testimony.

It is this very behavior at home that probably does drive the husband crazy, and I'm sure he reacts. I support your husband for staying married all of these years. I'm sure it wasn't easy for him, but God Bless your husband, he's hanging in there with you.
---lisa on 5/26/08

If I was you, I'd love that husband and tell him that you're absolutely crazy about him.
I'd stop this passive aggressive behavior, thinking of ways to get even, humiliate and discredit others. I'd quit trying to grab the limelight when he's speaking. I'd listen to him, having faith that God can speak through him to you when you stop arguing, the fighting and thinking of ways to run away and start over again with another.
Without any change of heart, you will pick the same type again.
---lisa on 5/26/08

If you're driving your husband crazy at home, he'll allow such incidents in public.
It's a way of settling the score. The more you avoid the husband at home, the greater the putdowns/outbursts in public or in front of relatives. Yes, neglected husbands have been known to make big announcements in public - about the wife's lack of cooking or how the house looks, you name it, neglect finds a way of showing up at the most inopportune times, shouting loudly.
---lisa on 5/26/08

Husbands and wives do not like to be put on the back burner. Golfing and sports widows make announcements at office Christmas parties. Neglected husbands make announcements at the checkout counter or in church. Neglect or passive aggression is a hurt that will not be silenced.
It all comes out in the wash.
---lisa on 5/26/08

God wants you and your family to be happy. You can't change anyone but yourself. Take a good, long look at yourself. Is anything he's saying true? If so, work on yourself. You may be amazed at what happens! Best wishes and God bless you.
---deb on 5/25/08

Wow, a lot of good advice for this poor woman, I do have to say, having been married to an uncaring husband in the past, a man should NEVER EVER allow others to put his wife down, himself or anyone else. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church, obviously a lot of men (and women of course) are not even close. Sad.
---Mary on 5/25/08

There is a scripture which tells you inwhich, you do have options. You May either leave him and remain single or you may go back to him. Sorry, but you may not go out on the town and have fun. This is ofcourse if you belong to God. As always stay in prayer, because God also will give you GRACE [His power] wherever He wants you. And believe me you will need all of it.
---catherine on 5/25/08

I know of no one that has ever separated that has stayed married.
It leads to permanent separation.
When you breech a contract, there's a penalty.
When you separate yourself from what you once believed that God had joined together, you're moving towards the divorce court.
Might as well divorce if you think separation will solve problems, it does not.
In a violent home, it escalates the anger.
In an adulterous home, absence makes the heart go wander not fonder.
---lisa on 5/25/08

In a home with children, it gives the children separation anxiety and fear.

If you're driving your husband crazy, stop arguing with him. Some of this reminds me of a spoiled child that needs constant attention. A new husband will result in old habits, behaviors resurfacing.
---lisa on 5/25/08

Marriage is a blood covenant.There are no Scriptural instructions that tell you to separate but many that tell you to be loyal and to love him. He needs to learn how to treat you properly. To get the conversation going with him why not confess all your faults to him and ask his forgiveness? This will clear you of anything you may have done to bring this on. Then ask him if he may have some that he has detected. You may be surprised how the Lord has already been working on him. Go into this prayerfully.
---john on 5/25/08

Separation in this case is a way of getting your husband's attention, full attention.
Children run away from home and wives think separating will really show 'em. It doesn't.
Fear tactics may make the bull elephant in the living room perform. Eventually the bull elephant becomes very angry and stampedes.
---lisa on 5/25/08

For blogging sake, if there's anyone out there considering separation, it's a nice way of saying we'll be divorced one day and I won't have to look like the bad guy.
I'll make my spouse so angry, he'll follow through with it. Then I can reap all the sympathy from friends and family, move on to my new boyfriend.
But when the new one ends up looking like the last one, some folks won't be there for the next dose of bolstering that's needed.
---lisa on 5/25/08

Threatening someone with separation or divorce will only work temporarily.
It's instilling fear, not reconciliation. It will not last. Letters, demands and more rules from the one threatening to leave will only instill more hostility. It's a stopgap measure that does nothing to repair a marriage.
---lisa on 5/25/08

Some people make it a yearly routine to move out, move back in, hoping for new results.
It escalates the hostility and can lead to violence in the home. Some people do this, making rules for the one left behind. They may comply on the outside, but inside they be gnashing their teeth. It's a bad cycle to start moving out and move back in. It's usually a slower way to get the real divorce.
---lisa on 5/25/08

If you've ever used this method in the past, what were the results?
Back at square one when you returned or did it result in divorce eventually.
Separation is a nice way of saying we will divorce in the future.
---lisa on 5/25/08

When your pipes leak, you call a plumber.
When your house is on shaky ground, falling down, you call on a Carpenter.....
AND .... when you have similar problems, seek the advice of a professional councillor which is as important as praying.
---Caring on 5/25/08

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Read your quesstion. There are many Christians today facing the same issue. I know God wants to help you. Chances are very good that if he has gone this far, it is a sign that he will undoubtedly go further and may be doing so. You definitely need counsuling! It will take time to overcome this problem. You may well end in divorce.
---Dr._Don on 5/25/08

Prayer, marital therapy, are your two best options.
---Trish9863 on 5/24/08

I haven't read anything in the Bible that is really against separation.I know that God hates divorce...But sometimes a separation puts things into proper perspective.Even a threat of separation sometimes has worked for people...My sister wrote her husband a very long letter expressing just how she really felt about him...Seems like they are closer now than they have been in a while.It worked for her!
---Elisabeth on 5/24/08

Options for reconciliation.

When your pipes leak, you call a plumber.
When your house is on shaky ground, falling down, you call on a Carpenter.

Remember, the next guy may have very little tolerance for what it is you need to feel safe and valued.
Jesus Christ is the only One who can make you feel the way you need to feel about yourself.
---lisa on 5/24/08

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Options for reconciliation.

If you have to throw your computer out, do it. If your laptop offends him, give it away.
Whatever the escape of choice to avoid facing the marriage - face to face - man to woman & heart to heart, get rid of the object and offenses that are causing all division between you.
---lisa on 5/24/08

Options for reconciliation.

Get rid of the escape valves, shut all of them off.

If your house is drafty, you need insulation.
Insulation from outside influences that are letting all of the love drift away.
---lisa on 5/24/08

You defend yourself here, very well.
And you can be downright argumentive with anyone that opposes your view.
If you do this with your husband, I understand where the constant conflict comes from.
If you are using high intelligence as a weapon against your husband in front of others or even with other pastors/people, these problems will go on.

Stop arguing with everyone you meet, including your husband. It's the most destructive weapon that will destroy every friendship and marriage.
---lisa on 5/24/08

It is because of this argumentative stance, that I avoid all penpal chat.
If I avoid it, others are avoiding it in your nonblogging life. A carry over.

Anger, being angry every day, forgiving but never forgetting is not forgiveness. Get help for your anger, stop arguing with your husband.
If you can learn to keep your mouth silent, it's possible he may ask you for your input in front of others.
---lisa on 5/24/08

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Honestly, I support your husband.
You're putting him on the defense.
I've had to keep dancing as you've written offensive material with my name.
I've had to wonder about the anger that motivates someone to behave this way. I've come to know your ways. You need to get rid of your anger towards your husband, towards every person that gets in your way.
I support your husband, and your family. I hope you can be set free from all offenses that leave a trail of debris like an angry tornado.
---lisa on 5/24/08

There is no man that can make you feel safe and valued. You have to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ to feel safe and valued. Placing all of our emotional eggs in a man's basket is a surefire way to end up cracked.
If your security is in man, the next man you find, attract, will be the same kind of basket.
---lisa on 5/24/08

If you really are driving your husband crazy, the next husband may be driven to the same destination. I have a strong impression that you blog here frequently, and we've answered many similar questions..

Emotional healing in the form of forgiveness is needed.
God hates divorce but He also says any hatred for spouses is equally a grave sin.
---lisa on 5/24/08

Here's some options for reconciliation.

How much time do you spend daily on the computer? Hours, entire day and evening, too?
Any escape that's used to avoid the marriage will cause major problems in other areas.
If you avoid your husband at all costs, when you are in the presence of other people, he will use it as an opportunity to give you a pinch or sadly, get even.
---lisa on 5/24/08

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Here's some litmus tests
If you have been married before, was the other marriage very similar to this one?
Did you spend time on the computer or use other escape valves to avoid the marriage?
How did all other relationships end up?

If they were disasterous, leaving your husband will not save you from another disaster with another newer version.
---lisa on 5/24/08

Options for reconciliation.

Making any progress towards restoration and reconciliation requires a change of your will to change.

Forgiveness at every juncture will be the steps toward making progress for restoring your marriage.
---lisa on 5/24/08

Regardless of how intelligent you are, you might even have a photographic memory, have fountains of information that place you above your husband's intelligence - this is a heart to heart decision to forgive and forget all offenses, each and every day.
---lisa on 5/24/08

Options for reconciliation.

Bottomline. If you drive this husband crazy, you'll drive the next one crazy, too.
He may leave you far sooner, he might not brood as you are about how to leave. The new guy might dump you at the altar or shortly thereafter.

If he's been willing to stick it out for 12 years, he ain't all bad, is he?
---lisa on 5/24/08

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Options for reconciliation.

May I be truthful with you, as I think you blog every day for hours and hours.
This would be an affront to my husband and he would resent it terribly.
If you want to save your marriage, you better make some dramatic changes pronto.
You may even need help for computer addiction. It's a serious problem that destroys many a marriage.
A computer cannot love you and neither can bloggers, really. Cyberspace cannot fill a void of the heart.
---lisa on 5/24/08

2. Marriage isn't just about one spouse pleasing the other, it's about working in harmony and being submissive to each other, not one being the doormat of the other. It sounds as if you need to talk at great length (and without your father-in-law or pastor being anywhere in the vicinity). Could you take a short break together where no-one else can interfere?
---RitaH on 5/24/08

3. As for your original question, what options are open to you regarding separation - no-one can actually stop you leaving him, having a trial separation or filing for divorce BUT none of these are recommended and, if you are both Christians, divorce would not be the correct option unless he has committed adultery. I hope that you can work this out somehow. Please pray about it and I will also.
---RitaH on 5/24/08

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