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Fiance Borrowing My Money

My daughters fiance has been borrowing from me for two yrs. When he repays, he needs the money back. I want to do the right thing as a Christian. I need the money. He has a wealthy father, but is afraid to ask him for money. What to do? I am distresed.

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 ---Danelle on 9/4/08
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I believe your daughter,s fiance have hopes in you for help that is why he continues coming to you anytime. he believes in you for help and feel more secure with you than his father. Maybe you would have to advise him on management of money and saving to support him anytime he has financial problems.
---Marian on 10/1/08

Borrowing is not a sin not repaying back is a sin. My rule of thumb is what you have is just right for you. When you borrow its siomethng that you really need not for what you want.House is what you need -loan(borrow)question is how much- look at our level of income should work together if you overstate your financial status then greedy and coveteous are zeroing in on you. So this whole thing need financial and moral discipline.
---Apete_Naitini on 9/26/08

Borowing is not the reason why Christians should not borrow. The problem comes when the debt is not paid. Then it becomes a sin because it now has become a theft. In most lives there may come a time when troubles arrive that we may have to borrow in ordeer to survive. We should only borrow as a last resort and nevrr withold the pay back.
---Dorothy on 9/22/08

No one can take advantage of you unless you let them, so the saying goes. In your case, tell him you want some time together, (make it concrete, settle on day and time and arrange it so you won't be distrubed). Tell him straight forward that you don't have money to loan. (Be tackful, but direct.) If he starts "crying on your shoulder" or trying to manitulate you in any way, (for example, getting your daughter to ask you), that's good sign that he's been "playing you" and stick to your "guns" of no more loans. Consider the worse thing that could happen, which is probably to break up with your daughter and you will know he was just taking advantage of you.
---wivv on 9/22/08

You need to offer him some help. Not give him anymore money because you need it yourself. But give him some options. God loves a cheerful giver but He also talks about wisdom too.
---toni on 9/19/08

---JOYCE on 9/16/08

The right thing to do as a Christian is to hold them accountable to a budget. If your daughter and son-in-law are Christians, consider sending them to a Financial Seminar. You need not feel guilty about not lending them money, especially when you can't afford it. Also, God wants us to give when the need is justifiable. So dont always think you have to lend. If they are trying hard to make a living, take the pressure off them and give and dont ask to be repaid (again if you can afford it). It is not wrong to suggest he ask his own father if they are Christians. If unbelievers are involved, then it is a different issue.
---Ron on 9/15/08

Base on yr little sharing....u should stop lending him money....i think it is quite clear.....Suggest u hv a good talk with yr daughter 1st...explain to her the reasons of yr decision...think through with her the various scenarios n possible need to talk about the wealthy father....just focus on the main point ...he should stop borrowing. Bless U..John9866
---John on 9/13/08

If he has a wealthy father, he should defiantely ask help from the father. If he is afraid, at some point he has to deal with it. On you side, you can put this straight to him. Hopefully that will help him as well.
---chris on 9/13/08

there is nothing wrong with christitians borrowing money but you should stop loaning money if he keeps borrowing and wanting this is takeing advantage borrowing every once in a while is ok
---andy on 9/12/08

Its good to help each other as you have always done!But it is sometimes tricky in lending and borrowing.
The principle is when you lend,dont expect areturn and when you borrow,return as fast as posible!It is easy to borrow than to pay back.If yours is faithfull in paying,its ok,its because he confides in you than his Dad.God Bless your Heart.
---Mbabazi on 9/12/08

part of boundaries is letting ppl make mistakes and to have proper consequences doesn't sound like he is managing his money well.will he ever grow up if ppl just bail him out of his financial problems.nope.let him reap what he's sowing.bad spending no money left.
---nathan on 9/12/08

Danelle...Please don't tell us that the "fiance" has been residing at your house too. Hopefully, his father lives a very long way from you and your daughters will think twice about making the "fiance" her "husband."
---SusieB on 9/11/08

Thanks to everyone who was inspired to advise me as to the problem of lending money to my daughter's fiance.I love you everyoneso much.I do have good news for you.The man is going to his Father,re: the Prodigal Son,and will have most of his bills paid.My daughter was selected out of 500 applicants to get the job she wanted. Of course, I thank God that He intervened on behalf of them AND me!
---Danelle on 9/11/08

Ma dear sister,

Just stop giving him money. What will happen when you are dead? Will he and your daughter die too. Let him take up his responsibility. You are not helping him by giving him money. Even his parents are to help him but not all the way. Am sure he has gone to school and has learnt a thing or two. I advise you to talk to him and encourage him to use the knowledge he learnt to earn money. I call it tough love.

---Harriet on 9/11/08

It sounds as if you have been a very generous person who has been faothful to what the Lord said about giving to those who ask of us.But Jesus also said not to cast our pearls before swine,or they will trample them and turn and rend us.I don,t mean to offend.But it sounds like you are being taken advantage of,and that is wrong.It,s time to just say no.
---Irene on 9/11/08

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I think borrowing is okay so long as he will return the money. You never know with life one day maybe you will need to borrow from him. If he has confidence in you forget about his wealthy father just lend him because he returns the money to you
---selpha on 9/11/08

It is one thing to loan him the money if he really needs it, puts it to good use (its intended purpose as to why he asked for it in the first place) and then doesn't make a habit of borrowing money. Sounds like he found a fountain and he keeps going back to it, not thinking it may one day run dry. Everyone keeps talking about going to his rich father. His father does not owe him, rich or not. The young man is not ashamed to go to Dad, he has probably already gone to him too much and got a No response. Even Christians get taken advantage of sometimes. The word No is okay to use if you see abuse in response to your generosity/kindness.
---Jaden on 9/11/08

assuming he has NOT been getting money also from his father. That's interesting . . . that he might be testing if you care. Well, I would believe I can test deeper, in prayer, to make sure. People letting me have money does not necessarily prove they care about me. I've found that when I am with caring people, they *surprise* me with how they care in ways I would not have looked for, and better than I would hope because God is creative and keeps bringing us to better. I'd be busier with making sure I am a caring person, rather than looking for what I can expect from others > "And I will very gladly spend and be spent for your souls, though the more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved." (2 Corinthians 12:15)
---Bill_bila5659 on 9/11/08

my mom has asked me to borrow money whenever i go spend overnight at her house,and go to shopping malls as well and i suggest that you can get a loan and my mom never paid me back but she forgets!
---Elizabeth on 9/11/08

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Sweetie, the Bible says to help those in need but it also says, "be wise as serpents but gentle as doves." Sometimes you have to tell people "no" gently. I know it's hard to do but sometimes they need to learn to manage their own money and if you keep helping them out, they will never learn that. You're a good Christian, and you have to learn to use your money wisely also.
---Yolanda on 9/11/08

Dear, You do not need to be distressed, such is happend to test your faith.

She need to ask him the money buy telling him that she need to solve her problem, that is all.

Some times, Men or Boys use to test the fiance through such way to know if they really care.
---dede5678 on 9/11/08

He's afraid to ask his own father (who has the money), but thinks it's perfectly all right to ask his mother-in law (who doesn't have it)? It seems like he has his priorities reversed.

(And scratch that - you aren't even his mother in law because they aren't married yet).

"No" is a good word to learn. If you don't want to be harsh, just tell him that you aren't rich and can't afford to keep supporting him, but that someone else with more money (like his father) might be. And that if he's ashamed to ask his father, he should be MORE ashamed to ask you.
---StrongAxe on 9/10/08

While it is good to want to do the right thing. It is like you are a bank and they put money in then take it back out. If you continue to do this, what lesson(s) are they learning? Just because you are a Christian that doesn't give everyone the right to treat you like a door-mat. Learn to say NO! And if they don't like it, then he has a dad that he can go to.
---Rebecca_D on 9/6/08

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I had the same problem with one of my sisters for years even though I was single and struggling financially myself. After I found out that she was gambling heavy, I told her "NO". A week after I got married, she called to see if she could borrow money. What timing? I still remembered how to say "NO" though. Don't let anyone take advantage of you no matter what your financial condition.
---SusieB on 9/5/08

You've not said how big the amounts are, but have you tried saying, "No"?

That one word can save you a lot of trouble, especially with unwanted and inconvenient requests.
---katavasia on 9/5/08

If you don't stop this now it will never stop. After they are married the requests will become unbearable.

A person who sounds very similar latched on to my family a few years ago, but fortunately most of us spotted him for the fraud he was.

He never asked, just constantly dropped hints of his needs which I completely ignored. Eventually the hints became bigger to the point of suggesting that he move in with us. That would have saved him a fortune and cost me an even bigger one. I looked him straight between the eyes and said "It'll never happen" and he was soon out of our lives - looking for another mug no doubt.

I'm for helping anyone in genuine need but not scroungers who want a free ride.
---RitaH on 9/5/08

Assuming they have been engaged for those two years? So, he does pay back, but then keeps taking it back? So, he's not just taking. The right thing > you're the mother, you can pray and find out what God has you do, not just in this aspect, but in dealing with the whole situation. Why is he afraid to ask his father? If the man is not of God, I would not advise him to go to one not a Christian. What to do...I'd say first get with God so you can't be stressed, so you have presence of mind and character to do what He has you do, or else no matter what you do with this, your weak and foolish character will get you in other trouble and suffering > Matthew 11:28-30.
---Bill_bila5659 on 9/4/08

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I am not surprised you are distressed
You need to think about a few more questions
What does your daughter think of the situation?
If he needs to borrow yuor money now, what will happen when he marries your daughter ... will he be able to support them both?
Do you think they will actually marry?
Do you know his father?
Do you trust the guy?
Do you trust your daughter? How strongly does she feel for her fiance?
How old are they?
---alan_of_UK on 9/4/08

Stop financing him. Tell him to go to a bank, or his Dad. Being a Christian does not mean you are obligated to be a bank loan officer and finance anyone.

He sounds irresponsible financially. Do not enable him in his irresponsibility, but make him face his situation and deal with it like a man.

I would also talk to your daughter about marrying someone who is irresponsible financially. He does not sound like good husband material at this time.
---Trish9863 on 9/4/08

Learn a new word in your vocabulary....NO. That is the only answer you need to give him. Tell him you do not have any extra money to lend. I expect if you dig deeper about why his father will not lend him money you would find that his father got tired of constantly bailing him out too. Better to stop the habit of you financing his lifestyle than to continue after the wedding. When are they scheduled to be married? Two years seems like a long time for an engagement. Or is this one of those fiances that is actually your daughter's live-in boyfriend?
---SusieB on 9/4/08

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