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Wife Trying To Leave Me

My wife of 12 years and I are now seperated. I'm trying everything I can to make things different. She's wanting to leave and I don't know what else I can do.

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 ---E_III on 11/13/08
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EIII, your trying too hard really, give your wife time to accept the change you so hard have worked up. Give her at least 12 years to accept the change.
---Nana on 12/10/08

My spouse denied, denied, denied their reason for leaving had nothing to do with anyone else, despite the mounting evidence I had against them. Funny thing is my spouse left when confronted with the evidence, and to this very day over one year later is still with this same person but continues to deny this person was the reason for their departure from the marriage. Moderator, I am continuing in the next.
---Italysprings on 12/8/08

People rarely tell the truth especially when it comes to infidelity, they do not want to look bad. Just be careful that your wife does not make you feel as if you are solely responsible for this marriage not working out or that you alone are the reason she left. We all have baggage and issues, she may have unresolved issues which lead her to think there is something better out there instead of realizing she made a vow to God to love you and be with you in good times, bad times and till death parts you.. In order for a marriage to be saved, both parties need to work on the marriage together and honesty is a strong key factor in saving a marriage. God bless and keep relying on God, growing closer to him and trusting in him.
---italysprings on 12/8/08

You have to realize that is not really about you, no matter what she has said. Blaming it on you is just the excuse she is using but any excuse will do. That is why it really won't matter what you do or how hard you try to give her what she claims she is looking for. She will just come up with something else.
---ralph7477 on 12/8/08

Well...She has explained to me that all of this has nothing to do with anyone else. Yet she has made mentioned a couple of times, that for the first time she's open her eyes to other possibilites out there. She says, I'm trying too hard of late, but if she wanted me to try and now I'm trying too hard...what's left. I'm so confused and hurt right now.
---EIII on 12/8/08

I am a wife who left her husband and let me tell you my husband never gave up and prayed for me even harder. My advise dont give up pray and keep telling her how wonderfull she is and how you need her and how much you want to grow in the lord with her. God will give you wisdom to get you through. Do not blame each other just lift each other up, get each other to remember the good times instead of so much of the bad. The past is the past time to march forward with our Father in Heaven leading the way. God Be With You!!
---Carol on 12/2/08

Let her go. If you are strong enough, let her go.
---catherine on 12/2/08

Counseling is fine, but you should also schedule a session or two with an attorney to come up with a plan. You need to understand that your wife is five steps ahead of you. She has all her moves planned out. You are reacting to whatever your wife says or does. You need to turn that around and be pro-active.

She has successfully completed her first strategy of getting you to believe that it is all your fault. This justifies her decision in her mind and you have also bought into it. Next, she will try to convince you not to question her vision of child custody and will lay out all the reasons that you are not as fit as she is. Rather than debating her, a well crafted letter from an attorney stating where you stand can work wonders.
---ralph7477 on 12/2/08

E, continue in counseling even if you are the only one going. Maybe if she sees you are really trying then maybe she will listen when God speaks to her heart. Also, go for yourself and begin to heal from your past. And be thankful you know why she left. I only say this because when my spouse left I was never given a reason as to why.
I to this day do not know why my spouse cheated and left me for another. I never had the chance to work on those issues with my spouse, I always believed we would work on our marriage together but my spouse simply made the choice and walked away. You know, and are working on changing, continue doing this and let God do the rest.
---italysprings on 12/1/08

Yes, we are in Christian counseling. Actually, I am. She went the first visit, but I mainly went for myself to work on the junk from my past. She's leaving due to years of asking me to change a few things. I would change for the first few weeks, then revert back to my old ways. Mostly, due to allot of junk that's happened in my past that's manifested into my present. Ways of thinking, ways of acting, etc.....
---E_III on 12/1/08

Have you folks tried Christian marriage counseling? You don't state WHY she wants to leave you.
---wivv on 11/29/08

E, my heart goes out to you!!!! I totally understand the in-laws cold behavior towards you as I too dealt with that. My spouse left me for another person and my in-laws and all of my spouses friends stopped talking to me. I never expected that. I live in a state where I have no family, no children, and only two friends. All my time was spent with my spouses family and friends. I was not prepared for their desertion and my friends said that they did it because people choose sides. And my spouses family even though they were my family too, really only care about their child and will do what makes them happy. I will continue
---italysprings on 11/25/08

The pain you are feeling by your wife leaving you is only compounded by how her family is treating you, but remember it is not you. These are their issues not yours. It is an unfortunate thing that this happens. And so close to the holidays you would think they could be a little more human. The important thing to remember in this time of emotional crisis is God is with you. You are facing probably one of the most difficult or second difficult traumas of your life. you mentioned earlier you lost a child a way back. Give counseling some time, this is painful but feel the pain and allow yourself to heal.
---italysprings on 11/25/08

E, just checking in on you brother.
It sounds like she is trying to take everything too. Like everyone here has said, You have God on your side. If she wants to leave, let her do the leaving not you.
She is the one who is walking away.
I would pray about it to God, ask and then I would tell her how God wants you to answer her.
I would be the first to say reconcile, but it sounds like she doesn't want to.
Is she an unbeliever? the word does talk about this if she is.
Anyway, I am still praying for you brother.
May God bless you always!!
---miche3754 on 11/25/08


if wife is leaving you what did you do ...what is she telling others - seems odd her parents met you with coldness as it appears she just wants out without a reason

my husbands sister demanded divorce ...whole family was sick about it ...she never gave a reason or offered explanation to him or anyone husbands parents and family never treated her husband coldly

Tanner offered good suggestions on his post

pain will subside - important to express feelings but seek out more counseling so this does not consume you more than it has...emotional pain can easily turn to negative aggressive emotions when incessantly thinking about pain of event ...stay focused on your girls praying more
---Rhonda on 11/24/08

E, you say your wife has asked you to leave. Whatever you do, do not move out of the house. You may want to do as she asks because you think that there might be hope if you appease her but don't do it. You have a right and a duty to your children to stay in your home. If she wants to be away from you then let her leave, which she will do if she is serious about a divorce.

Asking you to leave is her first step to try and get you out of the picture so she can take over and dictate the terms of the divorce she is planning. This is no time to be a nice guy although it may go against your nature. Please believe me, you need to get tough and it will take your wife off guard and it will show her that this will not be as easy as she thinks.
---ralph7477 on 11/24/08

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Thanks Italysprings for the checking in and also to all who have responded to my time of crisis. It's 3 days away from Thanksgiving and her parents came into town this past Saturday. I was greeted with a coldness, I never experienced from the in-laws. I've been asked to leave now and that's the hardest thing I've heard since she wanted to seperation. She asked for a divorce now instead of seperation. I'm going to a Christian counselor and quite frankly it hasn't/doesn't helped. I'm at the end of my rope emotionally and physically. I'm walking around like I'm in a fog and I'm screaming on the top of my lungs and no one hears me. I'm asking GOD why this is happening. There is nothing in the Bible about Divorce, except of the mentioning of death.
---E_III on 11/24/08

E. I check this site daily to see how you are doing. You are still in my prayers. I remember the feeling as it was only a little over a year ago when my spouse left me. I could not look at any of our pics in the house, I took them all down, I was in mourning and felt like I was going to die. I did not think I was going to get through it but it is a little over a year and I am OK. The pain is not there anymore and it was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. Keep your eyes on God, your heart and mind open to him and keep reading the Bible and surround yourself with like minded people. God works through others too, hard as it might be, make new friends and keep social.
---Italysprings on 11/21/08

E: The pain of divorce is like mourning a death. I remember it well. I also can attest to God's faithfulness and goodness. He has brought me through it, and is healing me.

Lean on your fellow brothers at church and friends.
---Trish9863 on 11/20/08

E III - There is nothing good to say at this time other than I am praying for you and your family. Take care of each other, find a good support group. Keep up with the blogging and let us know how it is going.
---TIMOTHY on 11/20/08

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We went to a counselor last night, and after that it has really hit me that no matter what, she wants out. Just the thought of not ever sharing memories together (as a family) really hits me hard. I am leaning on GOD now more than ever in my life. We both have lost a daughter (our oldest was an identical twin) and those same feelings I had from losing my child, I have now that my wife is divorcing me. I've never got over that feeling of lost and I'm afraid I'll never get over this divorce as well. I do THANK all who've responded. It has helped in pieces, but the only thing that keeps me going is "The will of GOD, will not take you, where the grace of GOD won't protect". Heavenly Father, I need your protection now!
---E_III on 11/20/08

E, everyone here is right, brother.
You have to stay prayed up!
It took me almost 7 years to get over my divorce because I wasn't in Christ at that time. I did not have that comfort of God that you have brother. That is why it took me so long to recover. I blamed myself, when it wasn't my fault. He was cheating and lead me on then divorced me even though I wanted to make it work.
Be strong for you children, give it all to God and let God handle it. And just because you are a Christian does not mean she can treat you like a door mat. So don't let her. And always remember, YOU HAVE GOD ON YOUR SIDE!!
---miche3754 on 11/18/08

I am so sorry for your pain and pray God will deliver you from it and give you peace, comfort and grace. I know it feels like the pain wont ever stop and the tears wont stop for a while they wont. But in time they will, meditate on God's word, his promise to never leave nor forsake you and embrace his love, when humans abandon you God will never abandon you. Also, it would be good for you to find a divorce care group in a nearby church to attend. They can help you with what you are going through. Surround yourself with family, friends, do not sit in the dark alone and cry and reflect. Keep your mind busy and on God's word and keep people around you. Stay connected to others. Especially this holiday season, be with others, don't be alone.
---italysprings on 11/17/08

Ralph said, "Women can be manipulative and she will view your willingness to do anything and everything as a weakness and use it against you, so be on guard."

I know plenty of manipulative men. Women do not hold the corner on the market when it comes to being manipulative.

Are you a mind reader or fortune teller that you know how this man's wife will view his willingness to do anything to save his marriage as weakness?
---Trish9863 on 11/17/08

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Been exactly where you are E. Moderator has a good chance of being right concerning a possible affair. My wife wanted a fast divorce because she had somebody waiting in the wings. I also have two beautiful daughters. Her leaving the marriage was one thing, but the callousness and coldness with which she so willingly broke up the home of those girls filled me with rage and disbelief at times.

When the shock subsides shortly, you must pull yourself together and protect your daughters at all costs. Don't let her take them from you. Your girls need you to be strong and steady. Let your wife know that you are not going to roll over and let her do as she pleases. I know your gut is aching, but you've got to pull it together.
---ralph7477 on 11/17/08

same thing happened to me years ago, like you i felt i couldnt't go on,didn,t eat for days.finally, on my knees crying and praying,begging God to carry me i felt a weight lift off my shoulder,i will never forget that wonderful feeling, my life was changed forever.i wont lie,things were still hard, but it was much easier,i knew God was with me.with God on your side no one can harm you.i knew i had to go on for the,the pain is gone and i know i am a better and happier man. we do not know Gods plan but there is a not give up,let God help you, you will someday be a happier and better man because of this.i know its hard for you now,i have been in your shoes,hope these words help,this too shall pass.good luck and God be with you.
---rodney on 11/17/08

Keep in mind that there is a high probablity that she is having an affair which is why she has decided to leave you now. Consider the signs in your marriage over the past year and see if that helps to put things more in prospective in terms of what is happening. Stay prayed and fasted up so that you may interact in a Godly fashion.
---Moderator on 11/17/08

To all that has replied,

Thank you all for your support & guidance. My wife has now said she wants a divorce. That was Saturday and it's now Monday and I'm still crying so much, I don't think I have an ounce of fluid left in my body. All I can think of, is how, why, our 2 beautiful girls. Now Thanksgiving is next week and her parents are in town for 2 weeks. It just seems so hard to keep going on. I haven't eatin or moved since Saturday.
---E_III on 11/17/08

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G-d is the one who brought you your wife. He is the only person who can keep her. Stop trying to keep your wife and trust that G-d will take care of the situation one way or another. Do not allow the situation to consume you, but step back take a deep breath and find some G-dly counselling/guidance to help. Get someone to talk to whom you can trust there may be something that you are not seeing. Let her know that you Love her and that G-d is for your marriage and family, but do not smoohter her. You can not change your wife or her mind, only G-d can, forgive her for hurting you talk with someone. G-d Bless.
---Tanner on 11/15/08

E_III if both you and your wife are believers, than your instructions are clear. "Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled with her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife." If she is an unbeliever, than the instructions are equally clear. "But if the unbeliever depart, let him/her depart. A brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases: But God hath called us to peace. "If you love her set her free, she will return, if it is meant to be." If not, give the Father all praise for freeing you from her. "It is better to dwell alone, than with an angry, contentious, disrespectful woman.
---Josef on 11/15/08

The drastic act of seperation has already taken place so it is time to take the gloves off. Arrange for a joint session with a trained Christian Counselor and ask her if there is any way to save the marriage or if it is over? Don't waste your life chasing the impossible dream however, on the other hand, the answer may surprise you. My marriage was literally saved with this tough love "put up or shut up" meeting.
---TIMOTHY on 11/14/08

E--III:- Give her 1Cor7:2-21to read and digest if she is 'really a dedicated Christian' including Matt19:9-otherwise show her the Door with the sign REPENTANCE will be received only By God by His standards,and at my door if you have convinced me.
---Mic on 11/14/08

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ask the lord for guidence, have you and your wife prayed together? find out from her whats she is feeling, listen to her and go from there. you can e-mail back any time.
a friend, peggy
---peggy on 11/14/08

My wife of 12 years also wanted to leave and she did. I also tried everything I could to make things different. It didn't matter.

More than likely, if she is set on leaving then nothing you do will matter. She doesn't want a different you. She wants a different life.

Women can be manipulative and she will view your willingness to do anything and everything as a weakness and use it against you, so be on guard. If she does in fact leave and sue you for divorce then she will be declaring you to be her adversary and she will treat you as such. Ask God for strength and wisdom to act accordingly and protect yourself.
---ralph7477 on 11/14/08

I'll tell you the only things that will work.
Forget everything you know, about her and the relationship, forget how you were wronged, forget how you've held things together, forget how much it means to you and settle for nothing less than these few things:

Absolute grace for her. Total responsibility for all failures for you, and a steadfast stance that in the future under NO CIRCUMSTANCE will you depart from these things.

Ephesians 5:25 tells us to hold our wives up to God as "without spot or blemish," and that can't be done until you release her from all responsibility for the failure of your relationship or any other thing you hold against her. Bring revival Lord, start with me!
---Pharisee on 11/13/08

Find out why she is leaving. There is a reason as to why she is leaving. Did you do something to her to make her wanting to leave? Apparently you did do something to her or you wouldn't be trying to make things different. We can't tell you what to do or give advice to you if we don't know the whole story. There is a big part missing that you chose not to tell us, so therefore we can't help on giving advice. The only thing I or anyone can say to you is talk to her and go from there.
---Rebecca_D on 11/13/08

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brother!trying is not doing.let go and let
---kevin on 11/13/08

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