Do I Seek Revenge
I've been seeing a man for 5 years and just found out he got married a year ago and now his wife is pregnant. I ended our relationship immediately. Do I inform his wife? I do not seek revenge, but I would want to know my husband/boyfriend is sleeping with another woman.
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---Janet on 11/22/08
Helpful Blog Vote (16)
This is an old question but this kind of thing still goes on and always will. A Christian lady I know found out her husband was cheating and wrote to the other woman (a widow) not as revenge but to warn her. It turned out the other woman already knew about his wife and family and they continued to see each other. The wife made a new life for herself, alone, and relies of God for her needs, the husband providing absolutely nothing for her.
She continues to tell others how good God is. She lives simply but is very content and gives God the glory. Revenge gives very brief satisfaction but achieves nothing long term.
---Rita_H on 7/21/14|
It's good that you discontinued your relationship with this man after learning the facts.
There would be no benefit from telling his wife who is pregnant. Only more damage would be done. And, the unborn child in this situation certainly does not need to be endangered because of stress brought onto its mother.
I'm sorry that you are hurt, but this man belongs to another. Wash your hands of him and move on. Regardless of whether or not she is aware of you does not matter at this time. The relationship is over. Let it stay a closed matter.
---lesla3685 on 4/1/09|
Since he is married, do not disturb. Probably she did not know about you, and there is no reason to burden her about it. Live and let live. Let God handle the matter.
---Betty on 3/1/09|
Consider the innocent child in all of this. Why put the mother through all that while she is pregnant? The more you have to do with it--the more angry and bent you will become over it. Pray about it-and then let God deal with it.
---cindy on 1/7/09|
I am in a similar situation. I found out that my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) is married. Not only that. He was also seeing another woman beside me and his wife. I broke it off, of course. I tried to tell the other "girlfriend," but she did not believe me. A friend says it is my duty to make her understand what he is doing. I am still torn. I would tell him that he has to tell her or you will. After that, I would back away. You can only do so much.
---Gail on 1/7/09|
Move on the fact that you want to get further involved probally equates to the mod posting the title in the way it was.
Every relationship comes with warning and Go signs you just chose to ignore yours, He now has a wife and if you did anything in that relationship to compromise your morality then you deserve what you got,
Learn to set boundaries next time you get into a relationship and Always put God first, long engagements sometimes spells trouble ahead unless studies or work plays a hefty part.
---Carla3939 on 11/26/08|
Janet...There are some warning signs that single women can watch for in a relationship.
#1.......If he doesn't want you to meet his family. Obviously you had no contact with this man's family or you would have known what was going on.
#2.......If he doesn't want to spend holidays with you. Where was he last Christmas and New Year's which was less than a year ago?
#3......If he doesn't want to go out in public places with you. Did you stay at home at lot during those five years?
You can say all you want that you think you should tell HIS WIFE, but you evidentally don't mind if you destroy a FAMILY. Chances are HIS WIFE will find out someday without you enjoying telling her.
---SusieB on 11/25/08|
YES, you should tell her if you were friends with her before they were married. But if you weren't, you should just remove yourself as far away from him and this matter (mentally & phsically) as possible by looking to idenify the RED FLAGS that were missed and why you were in denial of them.
Just remember being with anyone requires trust. So don't allow this unfortunate 5 year situation to turn you into a paranoid and fearful person, who's always looking for RED FLAG in future relationship.
Find peace in the moral accountability of being with someone with the same belief structure as you, so you may grow together in the spirit with them. But don't live in denial if they move outside of that belief system.
---Shawn_M.T. on 11/24/08|
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Change your # and have no contact with him.
Pray that he can be a faithful husband from here on out, and forgive him.
---NVBarbara on 11/24/08|
Janet, in order to get healed from the deep hurt this may be causing you, and I'm sure it is, Go to God and tell God how badly you hurt, and then cast this anxiety upon the Lord, release it to the Lord, give it over to God, and let God deal with him.
The Lord is the defense of your life. The Lord also said, Vengence is mine, I will repay says the Lord.
If he cheated on you, don't you think he will cheat on this woman? He will. Demons of lust are no respector of persons. Sin breeds sin. He'll get caught in due time. Give it over to God and let God heal you of the hurt this has caused you. Vengence is mine, I will repay says the Lord God.
---donna8365 on 11/24/08|
Janet, normally I agree with Alan, but on the issue of calling the scoundrel who dated you while married, I do believe it is imperative that you NOT contact him for any reason.
---Trish9863 on 11/24/08|
Janet ... "And do you honestly think that hearing it from me would suddenly make him decide not to be a cheat, really?"
On the basis of what you originally told us, yes I think it could have worked.
Now you have told us more about him, I agree it probably would not.
---alan_of_UK on 11/24/08|
To the gentleman who suggested I contact him and tell him I hate him, 2 things here. 1- I will not call him now or ever. I have no right to tell him to be faithful in his marriage I have no control over that. And do you honestly think that hearing it from me would suddenly make him decide not to be a cheat, really? 2- I do not hate him, ouch, that's an awfully strong word, I harbor no hate. I realize he is sick, possesses characteristics of a sociopath and needs to get himself help. This wasn't a one time mistake this was a very diabolical lifestyle he chose.
---Janet on 11/24/08|
Thank you for all the kind responses. I was not asking if I seek revenge, I am reaching out to rational compassionate souls seeking advice as to whether or not a married woman wants to know her husband is having an affair. Or even if a married man wants to know his wife is having an affair. Personally I would want to know if my husband is having an affair so I can make a rational decision to stay in or end the relationship. And I have spent much time looking into myself to learn how I could have been so blind to his double life. So thank you again, I deeply respect all of your advice. ~J
---Janet on 11/24/08|
I'll tell you my idea is, let her find out what a rat he is for herself.
---catherine on 11/23/08|
You had five years to detect that he is a cheat, and you were not able to tell there is something so wrong with him? Jesus makes His sheep able to *smell* the difference between a person of real love and a predator. So, if you could not tell the difference, but had to be *told* . . . THIS is what you mainly need to be dealing with, I would say. While we do what is immoral, we do not have God's discernment to make good evaluations > "And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment." (Philippians 1:9) He might have arranged for you to find out, so he could have you cooperating and in the know, to make his cheating on her easier. But who do you need to deal with, first?
---Bill on 11/23/08|
What you do is to continue to NOT see him. He is married now. Just drop it and move on. You should NOT tell that woman her husband had cheated on her with you. It would break her heart and there's a child involved. What you need to do is pray for their relationship to be strong and them both to be faithful. Pray for them and you will be blessed.
---dayce on 11/23/08|
Ask yourself: What would be the end result if you told his wife that he was sleeping with you? You state you aren't seeking revenge - but it reads like you are. Leave it alone. If he slept with you while married, he may do it again with someone else. The old saying usual is accurate: "What goes around, comes around." Do not see any good coming from fact of you telling his wife. In fact, it may make you look like the revengeful girlfriend from the view of his wife, who may not even beleive you.
---wivv on 11/22/08|
I would just keep it to myself. with him and his wife having a baby now, he may change and stay true to her now. either way, what good would it do to hurt her?
---a_good_friend on 11/22/08|
The title given to this question (presumably by Moderator) is unfortunate.
Janet did NOT ask "Do I Seek Revenge"
She said "I do not seek revenge"
She is in a difficult situation. If she warns the man's wife that he has been unfaithful (both to Janet, his long-term lover, and to the new wife) she could destroy the possibility that the marriage will be a success, and the child have loving parents who are together.
Perhaps she should contact the man for one last time, and tell him coldly and bluntly that he has betrayed the trust of two people, that she hates him for that, and that to avoid her hating and despising him even more, he MUST henceforth be 100% faithful to his wife, and to his child.
---alan_of_UK on 11/22/08|
Mind your own business. It is his responsibility to own up to his adultery with his wife.
---Trish9863 on 11/22/08|
First of all you need to find Jesus Christ a place in your heart. maybe that's why your question is here and if it is welcome to this family in Christ.
Some might call me a hypocrite but I say let it go and for this reason: When it comes to this question between husband and wife, and it's should I tell my spouse, my reply will always be YOU BETCHA.
You're a third party in this now, yours now is to move on and pray for him, that he have the fullness with his new family to keep that what caused him to stumble in the first place from happening again. Pray for his salvation as well.
---Pharisee on 11/22/08|