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Discipline My Daughter

My husband is accusing me of not being submissive since I won't step aside and let him discipline my daughter (his stepdaughter) the way he wants to. Shouldn't I have some say in this matter or am I to silently submit to his rules and discipline for her?

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 ---Mrs_PK on 11/24/08
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My opinion: you should both be involved in the disapline of your daughter.
My opinion: dont hit, teach.....with love.
---sue on 3/25/09

As your husband is new to the picture, he should "step" aside and let you work on disciplining your daughter. I hope you also set him straight on what a marriage partnership really means and do not by any means let him control every aspect of your life.
---Sheila on 3/24/09

You should discipline your own daughter for he is a man. Keep him out of it. Neither one of you should spank her, or use any violence toward her. Use kind, well-meant words instead. Treat her like a person and not a dog. Give her a fine understanding of the problem. Let her know she's not stupid or crazy. View the situation as this: she wants to be good. Teach her how. Teach her to grow in the fear and admonition of the Lord.
---bettyw on 3/24/09

Mrs. P, It sounds like you and Mr. need to have an adult conversation about your interpretations of 'submission'. Please do not be a doormat. Best wishes to the three of you.
---Deb on 11/29/08

Susie: I think Mrs. PK spanks vs. seeking therapy and dialoguing with her daughter because it is easier for the Mom. Learning what is happening in the daughter's mind requires love, patience and possibly change on the part of the parent. It is easier just to spank.
---Trish9863 on 11/28/08

MrsPK...Why do you hit your daughter? You are teaching her that the way to handle your problems is through violence. Is this what you want her to learn?
---SusieB on 11/28/08

You are the this child mother to and if your gut feelings were that his discipline was unbiased you would be free to let him go a head and discipline her.

I said to my husband that understood that he want to discipline them but as their mother I thought it best that I go deal with them.

I'm not saying that him not correct them but when things gets to a head I need to be able to set boundaries for them so that they don't feel that It's us against them.

eventually I had to let my husband know that I was the mother and any issues were to be left to me or world war 3 was at hand, they soon learned not react too quickly and leave senseless arguments where they start.
---Carla3939 on 11/26/08

Mrs. I find it interesting that you say you can talk "TO" your daughter. Have you ever talked "WITH" her and listened to her. It seems she is rebelling, and probably has a reason, though inappropriate behavior is not justified, it usually stems from something.

How long have you been married? Where is HER father in this picture? Have you tried family therapy with her? Negative behavior in teens rarely happens in a vacuum. Often it is either anger, or attention seeking, sometimes both. At least, that is my experience with the kids I teach and work with at the hospital.
---Trish9863 on 11/26/08

Susie, I never said that my husband was hitting or even spanking my daughter. I'm the one who spanks her whenever that form of discipline is necessary.

I knew my husband almost 1 year before we got married.

Trish, I don't believe spanking is the only form of discipline. Every situation and every child is different so I don't believe what works for one child works for all children. But I do know what works with my daughter and what doesn't work. You say that communication works better with teens. That may be true for some teens, not all teens. You can talk to my daughter until you are blue in the face. Most of the time she can careless what anyone has to say.
---Mrs_PK on 11/26/08

MrsPK....Would you let anyone hit your daughter? Why would you let your husband? He is extremely confused about being the head of your home. Have the two of you thought about sitting down together and agreeing upon a suitable discipline for your daughter that doesn't include hitting her? How long before this marriage did you know your husband? Sounds like you didn't know him very well if you didn't know that he would expect you to treat him as your master.
---SusieB on 11/25/08

"since I disagree I'm being accused of not being submissive. Tonight he told me that he is no longer my spiritual head and refuses to do communion with me."

Your husband is most certainly a control freak if he has said all this. Being submissive does not mean agreeing with every word he says. As he is refusing communion with you now it might be a good time to bring your pastor into the discussion. This is not normal Christian behaviour.
---RitaH on 11/25/08

There is a fine line between discipline and punisment. Discipline is from the word disciple, which means to teach so there is no cause for punishment is unually the result of someone breaking the rules not knowing the rules. No one person should ever be responsibile soley for the punishment of any family member if the known rules are broken. It should always be a joint effort, and the person being punished should know why the punishment is being given. In this case you presented, I really don't have enough details. Since she is his stepdaughter, it may be he wants it done his way and if it isn't it grounds for punishment.
---wivv on 11/25/08

Mrs: I do not agree that spanking is sometimes necessary on a 13 year old. I work in a psychiatric hospital and school with teenagers, and am well aware of the potential behaviors that teens can present. However, there are other ways to discipline teens, and be effective. Most importantly, family therapy is indicated for you and your daughter and husband, as you seem to think there is no alternative but spanking and there is.

Teenagers will test the waters and try to assert their independence. That is part of being a teen. Communication is much more effective than getting physical.
---Trish9863 on 11/25/08

Mrs2: As for your husband refusing to do communion with you, let him throw his hissy fit. He is throwing a temper tantrum and needs to not be enabled in his controlling behaviors. So what if he doesn't do communion with you. Your relationship with God is between you and God. He has to answer to God for his tantrums, not you.
---Trish9863 on 11/25/08

Your husband needs to understand that God created male and female (man).
Genesis 1:27
"male and female he created them".

Genesis 5:2
"blessed them and named them Man".

He should be very careful to treat another human being PROPERLY, especially those IN CHRIST. We are GOD'S temple

1 Corinthians 3:16
"you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?".

1 Corinthians 6:19
"a temple of the Holy Spirit within".

Galatians 3:28
"there is neither male nor female, for you are all one".

The person at the well (John chapter 4) knew what it means to have a peaceful and gentle loving spirit (necessary to TRULY believe (John 7:38).
---more_excellent_way on 11/24/08

Pharisee, I agree with you. But sometimes a heavy hand isn't necessary. I feel as though my husband wants to use the heavy hand most of the time and since I disagree I'm being accused of not being submissive. Tonight he told me that he is no longer my spiritual head and refuses to do communion with me.

Trish9863, 13 may be too old for most kids, but sometimes its necessary. And it does seem to work with my daughter when nothing else does.
---Mrs_PK on 11/24/08

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We're told in Prov.23:13 to discipline our children with the corrective Word(rod)of the Lord because as they get older, they will not depart from it(Prov.22:6).

It's important that husband & wife are involved in this corrective process together, so you need to be part of this process. For in the mouth of two witness every Word shall be established, because for where two gather in the name of the Lord there He will be in the mist of them.

We submit ourselves one unto another as unto the fear of God's Word by being obedient to His Word(Eph.5:21).

If your husband is not looking to submit to the fear of the corrective Word of the Lord, then the problems with your daughter is the least of your concerns.
---Shawn_M.T. on 11/24/08

The bible is not a spiritual authority...
Matthew 28:18
"And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me".

The bible contains many condescending words/attitudes of Paul that were relevant to THOSE TIMES and THAT CULTURE, but Jesus never spoke condescendingly of women (much to the contrary).

People should regard the words of Jesus more highly than the other words found in scripture (God would think very kindly of this).

Since the person at the well had always been looking for love in all the wrong places, the "living water" had become very noticeable to them because they wanted a closer relationship to God (1 John 5:6, John 7:38, Rev. 7:16, Acts 1:5).
---more_excellent_way on 11/24/08

Barbara's advice is GOLDEN!

I do believe in hard (heavy handed) discipline though, ("not yelling, or cursing") for outright disobedience.

It's OK to lay it on heavy (tough punishments) if you know when to let things go and just have fun. It's all about balance and clear objectives for each situation and choosing the battles wisely. Fairness goes a long way with a child.
---Pharisee on 11/24/08

NVB ... I think you are right EXCEPT that the agreed discipline (which should NOT be physical) should be given by the girl's actual parent ... that is the Mother.

It agree with Darlene ... he sounds like a controo freak. I was going to say this in my previous post, but thought it over the top. It is interesting that Darlene, with whom I often disagree, thinks the same.
---alan_of_UK on 11/24/08

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Mrs.PK Your husband is some kind of monster,a control freak. That old submit line is just used to whip women into being mindless robot slaves to their "Master" husband. You better stand up to him and teach him quickly submission doesn't mean cowtowing to his every word. Submit to your husband as to the Lord,you submit to the Lord's Word because you love him and it is out of your free will. Jesus doesn't browbeat you and make you obey Him. It is your choice of what you do. The same thing applies to husband. If you feel bad about what husband demands don't do it and never never let him touch your daughter to correct her,she is too old to spank and especially by him.
---Darlene_1 on 11/24/08

Any and all discipline should first be calmly discussed by both of you, away from your daughter.

Once the proper decisions are made allow him to deliver the 'judgement', with you in the room. NOT heavy handed or yelling or cursing!
Your daughter will know that both of you are in agreement and can't play the 'blame game'.

Been there, I raised 4 step-children along with my birth son.
Parenting is not for sissies!

Praise God they all grew up to be educated productive adults.
---NVBarbara on 11/24/08

He should have say in how to discipline your daughter, but you should have the last say. I think the best thing to do is to have her go to her room while you and your husband talk about what would be the best thing to do. Remember she is at an age where you really have to be carefull, but you have to agree together, and stay firm. but you know what? it is ok to let her vent sometimes, adults do and we need to so that the anger does not build up.
---a_good_friend on 11/24/08

Mrs: 13 is too old to be spanking. That is totally inappropriate at her age. It sounds like you need marital therapy as well as family therapy. This would allow healthy boundaries to be set for future discipline of children, as well as educate you and your husband on the proper way to discipline a teenagers. Find a qualified, LICENSED therapist for this job.
---Trish9863 on 11/24/08

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Mrs. PK,

You should be elated that he wants to be the bad guy. I would much rather be the fun parent, the one they're actually willing to talk to when having trouble.

I understand your concern however, some sense of fairness has to be in play when installing discipline or children rebel. They're people just like us. Heavy handedness however will not kill her, and may be the one thing that saves her life one day. After all these are more perilous times than ever, and according to the scriptures a worse age is yet to come.

The Bible says "The Lord shall judge his people. It's a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the Living God." Hard discipline could prevent the child from knowing this first hand.
---Pharisee on 11/24/08

Even if he were her real dad, i don't think a "drill sergeant" attitude is right in any family.

She is verging on being an adult now ... she should be treated like one.

What are the offences he wishes to punish? And how does he want to do it?
---alan_of_UK on 11/24/08

Trish, my daughter is 13 years old. He has been her stepdad for one year. Some of his methods of discipline reminds me of a drill sergeant. What I object to more than anything is the fact that he believes since he is the head of our household, he is the only one responsible for making rules for my daughter and for any children we may have in the future.

Phil, my husband hasn't spanked her. He lets me do any necessary spanking.

Alan, even though my husband can sometimes have a drill sergeant attitude, he does love my daughter. I don't want to sound as though my husband is some sort of monster.
---Mrs_PK on 11/24/08

Dear Sister,i believe if your hubby attempts
to disipline YOUR daughter it is abuse!
so i encourage you to listen to your hubby,
and if you agree with his disiplines great
if not it to bad for him,he's gonna have to
tough it out.daughter will move out eventually,it is your daughter and only you
have final say in disiplinary action.
---kevin on 11/24/08

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Any pinishment should be on a basis agreed by both parents

In this case though, he is NOT her parent, and should certainly not be punishing her in a way that you don't approve.

I have to say that he seems to be a control freak, and the fact that he wants "to cipline my daughter (his stepdaughter) way he wants to" worries me.

Trish's question are very relevant here.

Phil's points are also valid, although they seem to be more about protecting you and your husband from legal consequences than protecting your daughter against hurt (mental & physical) & possible abuse.
---alan_of_UK on 11/24/08

How old is your daughter? How long has he been her stepfather? How does he desire to discipline her, and why do you object to his methods?

Personally, I believe that the discipline should come from you. Just my opinion.
---Trish9863 on 11/24/08

Is your husband advocating corporal punishment? Legally it is now more dangerous to the administrator then to the recepient so it is no longer an effective disciplinary tool.

If your husband has has not adopted her. Legally she is your exclusive responsibility to issues of her welfare. We also do not know the age of your daughter.

Families have had children removed by Social Service agencies of the state over corporal punishment Please for the sake of keeping the family unit in tack be careful.
---Phil_the_Elder on 11/24/08

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