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Former Husbands Kids

Ex-husband will not take the time to see our kids or do anything for them unless there is something he wants or we can do for him. Says he is Christian.How should I act toward him?

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 ---Judy on 2/10/09
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Talk to him about this, and try to use the best nonconfrontational language that you can use.

You want some answers, not an explosion.
---amand6348 on 5/5/09


May the Peace, Love, Joy, and Wisdom of our Lord and Saviour and a DEEPER that surpasseth all Knowledge ans Understanding Rest, Remain and Abide with be with both You and Rhonda,

Have a blessed Day!

Love CarlaX
---Carla3939 on 2/23/09

That may be how it goes' sometimes men not taking responsibility but it certainly never happened the way rhonda has suggested it could, I think it's a disgrace to assume it did with her hidden agenda to take a cheep shot at innocent blogs!
---Carla3939 on 2/23/09
exactly what kind of world do you live in sister?
In the real world, what Rhonda says does happen all the time.
Do not tell this woman to go Against God's word.
She is suppose to humble herself to her husband. If He is not ready, then she must let "patience have it's perfect work". Let God work it out for her. Getting pregnant to trap her husband is WRONG!
---miche3754 on 2/23/09

Do not listen to that kind of advice where someone is hell bent on making their point of women wanting children to drive the nail of unkindness into the heart of Women who post for a decent response.

It's all well and good prettying up her advice with half written scriptures but her motives are well shown up.


That may be how it goes' sometimes men not taking responsibility but it certainly never happened the way rhonda has suggested it could, I think it's a disgrace to assume it did with her hidden agenda to take a cheep shot at innocent blogs!
---Carla3939 on 2/23/09

Judy, listen to what your brothers and sisters in Christ are telling you.
I have raised both of my children without child support from their fathers. WHY? because God is their father. He blessed me with them.
My daughter's father died when she was 1 1/2 years old. My son's father is no longer interested in him because he can't have me. I refuse to be in an abusive(physical and verbal) relationship with a man that defiles God constantly.
As far as my son is concerned, I have stopped codleing him and I let him form his own opinion of his father. The only time I step in is when father hurts his feelings(name calling and such).
I refuse to force him to be anything.
---miche3754 on 2/23/09

I see this often with my childrens friends ...divorced mothers wanting sympathy from everyone around them unable to see they cannot control another human even biological father of children

...many openly admit they had children because they wanted children expecting husband would be "trained" into accepting ...I sincerely hope not what this poster did ...if it is then years of being a forced father have taken its toll he has moved on

living in last days when world is becoming increasingly self absorbed just like the days of Noe when love waxes cold

...women who selfishly had children are reaping consequences of forcing their husbands into fatherhood causing strife between themselves and husbands and children
---Rhonda on 2/22/09

Thanks Trish,actually we did go out,all of us,3 days later.Did a few things and went out to lunch.Of course,he did not pay for anything,I did per usual.But I guess my girl had a good time.
---judy on 2/22/09

Judy: I am sure that you were very angry, and your daughter is probably extremely disappointed about her father's absence from her birthday party. As hard as it would have been, I suggest that when he lets you all down, as he did for her birthday, you just say, "I know how disappointed ____ is, as she was really looking forward to you being there. Is there any chance you could set something up with her to take her out for a special father/daughter time to celebrate with her privately?" Easier said than done, but that's my best suggestion.
---Trish9863 on 2/18/09

Katavasia,educate do YOU think a Christian should act in this situation?Tonight,one of my two youngest children,Lila had her 13th birthday party at Chucky Cheese Pizza,at the last moment,he calls and basically says it is too much trouble for him to come right now after we were told he would actually show up this time.Then he lets her down again.What should I have said when he said he was not coming?
---judy on 2/18/09

**Says he is Christian.How should I act toward him?**

If you say that YOU are a Christian, you should already know the answer to your own quesiton.

But if your children's father will not have anything to do with his own offspring, he is ultimately robbing from himself.
---katavasia on 2/13/09

Oh Betty,you gave me a giggle,thanks..saying he sounds demon possessed--lol--but seriously,this guy apparently thinks of himself as being a far superior Christian to me and to many others.He has Bible studies at his home Tuesday night(spanish group),he does attend church on Sundays.And apparently he does read and know alot of his Bible.Seems he just chooses the parts he likes out of it though.It burns me to see his new kids get good things and my beautiful sweet children get nothing from him--not even his time.It is not fair.And I cannot help feeling that my kids have been short changed emotionally and financially.
---judy on 2/12/09

iam assuming he already pays support?if not he should be.
---tom2 on 2/12/09

Judy- Find out what you ought to do from God. Ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you. What good would it do for him to visit with them and continue to do as he does? Why would you not leave him alone and find out what happens. Let the Lord be magnified. Dads like that are not worth putting up with. Let your children understand this: that Dad chooses to do as he does, not you. If he does not buy them things, don't fret over it. Let them learn it's his choice not to. As for his preaching at you, ask the Holy Spirit to give you the words to say. It sounds like he is demon possessed.
---Betty on 2/12/09

Before he used to come over(not a lot)and at least treat them to pee wee golf or a movie.Now he claims no money and I think one of the main reasons he doesnt take them out is because he no longer wants to spend a penny.He has two new kids now with his current wife.I care more about my 12 yr.old not feeling rejected than I do about child support.I do not know if he still currently takes drugs or alcohol.I cannot prove his threats.that is why I will not take him to court.He holds Bible studies and triesto preach gospel at me.How do I handle these encounters--with sarcasm?I cringe.I think if I invite him out and pay myself he may come see them once in a while.
---judy on 2/12/09

Judy, I would suggest you give him over to the Lord to deal with, and let him wonder what's going on. It sounds like he might be in need of some serious counselling. His actions sure do not line up with what Scripture tells us we should be. Your children will be better off without anymore contact with him than necessary, considering the threats you say he has made. Seek fellowship in a good Bible teaching assembly and immerse yourself in the Lord and ask His guidance on the outcome. As far as forcing him to pay child support, let your state child services dept. take care of that.
---tommy3007 on 2/12/09

He is neglectful against his own children, and yet has somehow gotten your babygirl to be longing for him. And, Judy, didn't YOU get fooled into longing and pining for him, so you then could be drawn into marrying him? Now, it seems, he also has managed to fool your girl, also, like this. He has groomed her so possibly later she will be able to fool herself into marrying someone like him . . . unless she gets wise to him but also learns how to love him like Jesus wants us to love all people. Practically, I don't think you owe her self-deceitful pining anything > she needs to grow to get wise to that, I think. You can simply persist with her, that he is welcome to visit, and let her smart little mind come to figure out why he doesn't.
---Bill_bila5659 on 2/11/09

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I would force your ex-husband to "face" his responsibility to SUPPORT his children financially. It will be a breeze compared to what he has coming once he has to "face" God. The Bible says that we will ALL "face" the Father. Everyone.

Let the courts determine what he needs to pay. And if he threatens the children in any way, shape, or form? Have the children report that to you and your lawyer. Your ex husband will have to "face" even harsher times.

Some people need to "face" ever-harsher times. Actually, just another attempt by God to get them to "face the facts" and change. Some people never do. That is their choice. And so are the consequences that follow.
---Sag on 2/11/09

Judy- Let the name of the Lord be sanctified. It is my belief that you and your daughters are better off without him. The children may miss him, but you yourself said he cannot be trusted with them. The name of God is sanctified. Let God lead you. Call for the Holy Spirit and He will make it known what you should do. You should try not to encourage him or the children to see each other if he doesn't want to see them. Let them find out what he's like and form their own opinion. Don't influence them either way, and try to keep others from influencing them. Try to let them crave God and His care instead of Dad's. Money is a problem or not? Why don't you remarry?
---Betty on 2/11/09

Judy: If your ex is in the drug world, you could see if your lawyer could either get supervised visitation, or no visitation till he is clean and sober. The courts often do that in cases where one of the parents is in active addiction or alcoholism.
---Trish9863 on 2/11/09

graham,yes there was much resentment in the divorce,but he is not coming to see them and it is not because of me.Though he is on his second marriage,he has "propositioned" me several times,flirts,etc.No,the problem is his greed and putting his needs first,including his greed of money.Brenda,it is easy for me to let him go,but my 11 and 12 yr.old still need a dad.My 12 yr.old especially deep down is still pining away for him.Should I not do everything I can for her to spend time,even "bribing"him?He has two other kids now from the second marriage.
---judy on 2/11/09

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Judy, this is a hard place to be in, I have shared this same experience with my daughter and her children,
The only advice I can give to you is to get the focus off of what the x is doing and turn to your children, Stop calling or asking for anything, let it go! I know this may be hard at first but time heals all and your 12 year old needs to know that if the dad is there or not you love them and so does the Lord. Get involved in the postive of your life and reject the negative past. I will repeat, LET HIM GO!!!. Only the Holy Spirit can turn his heart back to his children. You and your children are all that matters at this moment in time. Share your love and move on.
---Brenda on 2/11/09

Under what circumstances did you separate? Could he feel bitter about it? Was there bad feeling? Perhaps it's you he's avoiding, not them (which I say just as a suggestion, I don't mean to be provocative!)
---Graham on 2/11/09

Pray for your husband and your children. Encourage your husband to make contact with his children, and treat him with dignity and respect. He is their father, and they will be watching you for your reactions toward him.

I had a similar thing happen after my divorce with my youngest son, who was 18. My son had made some bad choices, and he and my ex became estranged. I prayed and did not treat either negatively. That was 8 years ago, and they are now reconciled and things are much better.
---Trish9863 on 2/10/09

One last thing,before someone says that i should take him to court and make him pay childsupport,let me tell you why I have not.Blackmail!!! My ex hung out with very unsavory types,druggies,and other types of people I would not want my children around--not Christians.He threatened that if I forced him to pay child support,he would make sure he got them on the weekends and take them to places I would deem unsafe to worry me literally out of my mind.I really believe he would out of spite.No money in the world would be enough to make me go thru the torture he would put me through.So he gets a free ticket.But he is a "Christian".My babygirl wants him in her life,so i need to bribe him to come over??what else can i do?
---Judy on 2/10/09

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betty and bill,let me tell you more of the situation.I attempt to encourage him to see the children as the oldest,my 12 yr.old really is hurt and misses having a dad.He says he is Christian.He has started another family,has two other children from new wife.He will not pay child support.He makes excuses not to come visit them.He doesnt give them birthday or Christmas presents,unless I go to new wife and give her kid a present first.Since he has had his last child--8 months old--finally a boy,he barely even calls them anymore.
---Judy on 2/10/09

continued...He will only come over if there is something in it from him.or if we nag him to come and eventually he may.(if he doesnt have to spend money on them)I may be able to get him to see them if I invite him out for an expensive meal--on me.Again,no child support,only 30 dollars a piece each week,and that took me a long time to get him to do that.Yet he tries to "preach"to me,as though I were unsaved.I cringe when he cites scripture to me,as I am overwhelmed by the hypocrisy and resentment.should I give in,buy him presents and fancy meals to get him to be with his daughters--to make my babygirl smile again?What is the right way?
---judy on 2/10/09

Many men are faring their families goodbye these days because they are selfish. Try to enjoy your children and learn not be bitter towards them because of him. They are hurting too. Besides, when he gave them up you might say it was a sign to you that he did not want family. Let it be. Give him a chance to come to his senses. Don't force them on him. It could be they are better off without him, for many families have suffered evil at the hands of weird father. Give up your bitterness, and call on God for help. Pray to receive the Holy Spirit, and He can lead you and guide you. Make it a point for you and the children to go to church. Keep the door open for him to come back. Use him not.
---Betty on 2/10/09

If you are a Christian . . . first pray and enjoy the LORD in prayer, and see how He has you see this. In His peace, first, seeking first the kingdom of how God is in love and peace and joy, sharing this with Him > do not let any wrong, evil person decide how you are or what you do > "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." (1 Timothy 5:8) If you are sharing with and obeying God, and he still denies you, I'd say make this a church project with other real Christians and you handling him together, how a mature pastor and members guide you (Hebrews 13:17).
---Bill_bila5659 on 2/10/09

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