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Verbal Abuse In My Marriage

I need help with my marriage as there is verbal abuse and I don't know what to do. Dawn3453

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 ---Dawn3453 on 2/23/09
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My advice...educate yourself. Read: Verbally Abusive Relationship by Evans / as well as 2nd book by Evans > Verbally Abusive Relationship, Survivors Speak Out.
Knowledge empowers and God wants us to use our brains to protect our hearts. No woman is called to be a doormat, a target, or a spitoon.
---BeenThere on 1/19/11

\\Read . "Created to be his helpmeet" by Debi Pearl\\

There is no such word as "helpmeet".

Nor is it an archaic form of the non-word "helpmate."

This mondegreen came about as a misreading of Genesis 2:20 of the two separate words "help meet".

In this context "meet" means "proper, fitting, suitable."
---Cluny on 8/3/10

My wife was abusive and manipulative. Initially her verbal abuse hurt but I eventually learnt to stand up to her abuse. Towards end of our marriage her abuse, violence got freaky.
We then went to counsellor but found he was attracted to her and was undermining our marriage to end it.
They are now in adultery together. He lost his job for being unethical.

I didn't see her abuse as justification for divorce, nor does God. It's so easy to only look at your circumstances, forgetting to trust God. Some on this blog do this.
But remember we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities, powers, etc....and we should put on armour of God Eph5:10-18. Pray for your abusive partners and forgive them as God asks us to do.
---Haz27 on 8/1/10

I been married 33 years I was 16 when I married and have 3 children I had no education and wanted the children to have a dad something I did not have. Now I am sorry I did, my children have suffered the abuse as well as me and married abusive partners and the cycle goes on. I now am a RN and just retired from the navy resrves and working on my Masters degree. I had to fight my whole life for this. I realized I was being abused when I went on active duty for 3 yrs. I am now planning to leave and have freedom. I prayed and prayed and feel in order for God to change him I need to go. I need to be a example for the children. I feel like I am done with the marrage. God leads us all in different directions and this is mine and this is my time.
---Eileen on 7/31/10

at times I get so hurt with my husbands verbal abuse. tis so sad that we use to have a loving relationship till I decided to leave the party scene and accept Christ in my life. My turning away from the party scene didnt go down well with hubby so the verbal abuse started when ever an arguement. be strong friend, the devil will do all to ruin you so hold on if you are in Christ. Hold on till He comes. Pray, pray, pray. I do.
---star on 5/2/10

My wife has recently left me. Until this point I had ni Idea I was being abusive. The more I think and read about abuse and what it is how it makes someone feel the worse I feel. I love my wife with all my heart and soul. Everyday I pray and repent my actions to god. I don't want to be that man. I am going to therapy, anger managment, marriage counseling and recently am trying to join batterers intervention programs. I know I have coused harm to my wife and our family now. I don't want to lose my wife and really want to remove that type of behavior from myself. It is so diheartning to her and read all this advice that tells women to leave and never look back.
---Guillermo_Madrigal on 4/26/10

She said I wasn't a freind taht I would not listen to her taht I always diagnossed her fellings and tried to tell how she was wrong. I thought I was being a friend.I wanted to fix what was wrong I didn't want her to be sad or mad. It didn't mean I didn't care or she was wrong I just didn't want my wife to be hurt or sad.
So what is your advice to a husband that has been abusive wants to change and save our marriage.
---Guillermo_Madrigal on 4/26/10

I agree with you Dixie, I am sooo sorry for your situation, sister.
---Mary on 11/5/09

Iam in a verbal absuvie marriage of 6 1/2 years.I was lead to believe that this was all my fault.God realived to me I was not at fault.My husband tells me Iam not submissive.I do admitt a couple of times I didn't submitt as I should of.I disagree with those that say you need to be more submissive. You can be submissive until you blue in the face and that will not change things.Iam highly praying about leaving him.I aslo disagree with people who think that if your in a phyical absuve relationship you can't divorce but you can seperate.That to me is insane. Why would God want us to be harmed phsyicaly by someone who should be loving you? God doesn't treat us this way.Keep in great prayer and ask God for wisdom and understanding on what to do.
---Dixie on 11/4/09

Read . "Created to be his helpmeet" by Debi Pearl.

If you are able to endure the persecution from
Other women who have chosen to reject Gods word in favor of their own self serving ways
And heed Gods advice, you will find great peace and contentment.
---Doug on 8/27/09

Verbal abuse is very harmful and devastating. It will escalate if you do not do something now. Sometimes you become so overwhelmed until you lose control and when you snap out of the fog,someone is dead or hurt very badly. Get out while you can.
You can get over this person and start a new life. Let the Lord lead you and guide you all the way. Listen and do not lean to your own understading. Verbal abuse is a terrible thing. I know. Been there.
---Robyn on 8/26/09

i have tried by ignoring the situation or when i speak up it gets worse blaming me for so much now and in the past. i have tried extremely hard to deal with it but it's getting harder more and more and i need an answer. prayer hold me together but not happy
---Laura on 8/25/09

Mechelle, you husband needs help and you need to remove yourself from the situation. DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB. You will need that for independence if he doesn't get help. Like another commenter below said verbal abuse often escalates into physical abuse.
---Melanie on 6/8/09

One, In many blogs, you hear only one side of the story, Numbers 35:30, Deuteronomy 17:6, 19:15, Proverbs 17:9, 18:13, 17, Matthew 18:16, John 8:17, 2Corinthians 13:1, 1Timothy 5:19, Hebrews 10:28.
Two, seek Gods' direction, Isaiah 55:6, Matthew 7:7-8, Hebrews 11:6.
Three, A husbands needs to love his wife, and a wife needs to respect her husband. Neither is optional, nor conditional. But it is difficult to do without the other persons cooperation.
Also, what is the deal with many of you women supporting the Sisters / hating the Brothers, no matter what the circumstances are, 1Samuel 16:17, John 7:24, 2Corinthians 10:7.
Perhaps, You both could take some good Christian marriage classes. Can you quit your job?
---Glenn on 6/8/09

Mechelle, hon, you need to leave and go someplace safe from his abuse. It may not be physical but you are being completely abused by this man. You are his wife, not his slave, hon, and he needs to learn the difference and that you can and will leave the bum if he don't get the message. Trust me, I've been there dear and I know.
---Mary on 6/6/09

I just want to lie down and not wake hurts to have the person that you love treat you like you are sub-human. For example, my spouse dropped by my job today. He said that I did not look happy enough to see him so he is never wasting his time to come take me to lunch again. I tried to explain that I haven't been getting much sleep because of my long hours and then coming home to cook and clean and wait on him hand and foot. He complained that I didn't have on any make-up today and that my hair isn't fixed. I feel awful enought that I am not taking the time to take care of myself, but then to have him belittle me, scream and bully me, it is all too much. Can someone please pray for me??? Maybe God isn't hearing my prayers.
---Mechelle on 6/5/09

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Ok, so your husband won't go to counseling with you anymore. You tried it, he quit. You're seeing someone on your own, but your husband told you not to mention the abuse to the new counselor?! What!? Ummm... no! You can say what you need to say in total confidence to your counselor. Consider separation from your husband. Ask your counselor to give you some community resource references like women's safe havens that may have support groups and educational materials to help you. If your husband won't get help, get some for yourself and stay away from him UNTIL he proves over and over again that he has sought out and is getting help for himself, has changed and has accountability to others to keep the changes permanent!
---Vicki on 5/9/09

Do not render railing for railing. Submit to Christ. Be asking for the Holy Spirit to lead you and guide you. Keep asking for the Holy Spirit until you get Him. Try to find something else to do when he wants to talk ugly. Walk away from him if you can. Distract his mind if possible.
---Betty on 5/8/09

Verbal abuse is many times worse then physical. It won't leave the same scar's but scar's nevertheless. When a person is abusive, many times they say they will not do it again and cry. But the problem comes back again and again. No one who is abusive stops just like that. Many times in a separation God begins to work in that area but when He works He uses many methods so that when He is finish God's work is perfect. Many don't want to separate and think it will change over night but it will not. I have talked to hundreds of husbands on this matters. I have seen many change after a time and come to be great husbands, and others never change. Virbal abuse is very distructive for the whole family. No one needs that in their life.
---MarkV. on 4/30/09

I was in your shoes for 34 very long years. The verbal abuse in my home from my ex was so strong and hurtful that there were times I cried for days on end. I felt ugly, useless, and empty. My husband had a very lustful heart and made it very clear how he lusted after other woman. I guess it all depends on just how much you can endure and bring it to the Lord. In my case I was the christian and let's face it by disobeying God's word by being unequally yolked with a non-christian I asked for what I got. However, I do not condone either partner abusing their mate to the point of killing their love for him or her and that is exactly what happened to me. Take some "alone" time with God and ask for his guidance. He has the answers.
---kandeek on 4/29/09

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Please explain how one ignores verbal abuse. Words hurt. Sometimes they hurt worse than physical abuse. I had a verbally abusive mate one time. He never hit me but there were times I would have rather he did given some of the things he said. It took years to move past those words (ugly, fat and other expletives). For a long time I hated myself and felt like dirt simply because of the things he said. An aside, his verbal abuse sometimes led to sexual abuse. You cannot and should not ignore verbal abuse.
---pg1 on 4/26/09

If you do this: 1Corinthians 11:3-10, 13, 15-16, 14:34-35, Ephesians 5:22-24, 33, Colossians 3:18, 1Timothy 2:11-14, Titus 2:5, 1Peter 3:1-2, 5-6, and he does this: 1Corinthians 7:33, Ephesians 5:25-29, 31, 33, Colossians 3:19, 1Timothy 5:8, 1Peter 3:7, this resolves the situation. If you violate Genesis 3:16 (Gen4:7), and / or he violates 1John 4:12 then you have problems. If he / she doesn't consider the others best interest, he / she might easily be abusive.
p.s. 1) Don't uncover your husbands nakedness to all these people, but Galatians 6:1. 2) Submit to your husband. 3) Pray. 4) Be kind, Ephesians 4:32. 5) All, get saved and trust in Jesus Christ.
---Glenn on 4/23/09

Verbal abuse: If you are an unbeliever, you do not have to please God. Still, I cannot recommend that you leave on those grounds. I would suggest that you try and ignore the abuse. Physical abuse, now, is a different matter, in-which your life could be in danger. It will take a lot of discipline on your part, but, if you have it, you might try replying in kind. Sure is easy to preach this stuff, Jesus. Ha, Ha! Also, God does not want His people passive. So, you may want to tell your spouse, that he or she should be talking in a more civil tone. So, there you have it, a few excellent ideas. Have a good day. Thank you Jesus!+++
---catherine on 4/22/09

Ladies:-God made you in His image and likeness as He did Man similarly, except You were the Help mate to be wanted sought after, loved & respected, The one entrusted with God's upkeep of the Human race.Any sort of violation to the above is sufficient cause to seek Refuge elsewhere till there is a trace of reconciliation. If not forthcoming would result in a prolonged SEPARATION.Adam failed in his duty to protect Eve and so do many Husbands follow in his traces.Tis indeed a pity no matter what what caused it but it is as Jesus said"Weep not for me but for yourself and your children.For it is they who suffer.A Man should learn how to keep his family safe together.
---MIC on 4/22/09

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i am not sure that i agree w/ some of the posts, i know that i am new here but i have been thru this, and i have numerous times done the fasting/praying, & i do see that one response mentioned God taught them not to rebel, well make sure this woman understands, doesnt mean submission..i have continued to submit b/c it seems that is all the answers i receive. 'If i dont put anything into it, it will go away'..well how far do you have to go? How much does a woman have to submit to her husband? I know from my past & present that the more you do, the more they expect & the first time you allow them control over you its over, you can never take it back or change it!
---Cathy on 4/22/09

You have gotten quite a bit of advice look at it this way. Does it get worse does he scare u. If so make a plan of actin to get out just remeber what it is teach your children if u stay .you have to stopp the cycle. PRAY AND SEEK counsel in all that u do from here on out and document the abuse verbal or physcial until you have made your move until then you are in my prayers
---teena on 4/18/09

Dawn, ,

Congratulations on identifying what abuse is and taking the step to admitting it is happening to you. The first part is alwyas the hardest.

I agree with Judy. The NO MORE statement is true. Put it out blatantly. He Might not see that he's being a jerk, but incase he might, let him know that his actions will warrant negative consequences (You'll Leave).

Abuse is Abuse. Mental, Emotional, Verbal, Physical. There is no sugarcoating it.

Do you want to be with someone who ruins your joy and your family? He must learn accountabillity as well.

Just remember you shouldn't need to be Afraid in your Relationship. If you are. Its' time to get out. Believe me You're Better Off!

---Nicola on 4/18/09

Verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse. Get marital counseling. If he refuses to go, find a program where you can go yourself that gives you help encouraging him to go.
---amand6348 on 4/17/09

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hi Andy, I really do appriate waht you hae said and i know that it is hard and the lord is giving me strength to just do what i am doing no and i know that its will come in time. Dawn
---Dawn on 3/31/09

Dawn, prayer and fast can make real differences. my father was verbally abussive to my mother, and even to us, his children. it came up to a moment that my mother decided to leave, and yes we as children supported her, thank God she listened to a pastor who teached her how to fast and pray ( the PLEASE GOD MAKE A WAY WHERE THRERE SEEMS TO BE NO WAY kinda fast) To be willing to accept Gods will. since God hates divorce, this will be Gods last action if one prays and fasts such. nevertheless it can take weeks or months before a real breakthrough may be achieved, hang in there. with my mother and us it was amazing First God teached us how no longer to rebel.
---Andy on 3/26/09

Dawn I've been there where you are now and take my word it don't get any better,I know a part of you wants to leave but yet you stay.theres was a attachment I could'nt break away from.I had 3 children to raise and no job, money or any place to go.I felt trapped ,misserable and unhappy in the situation.but still stayed, when the kids got to a certain age he started on them too,But when he started really bad on my son I snapped and I said no more no matter what he does no more.And I took the kids and left I went to a womens shelter .Dawn you need to find that point in yourself where you say no more no matter what ,there is places out there to help you.God does not expect you to stay in an abusive relationship.Judy
---judy on 3/1/09

Dawn,I know that many who blog here are holding you up in prayer.So Will I.And in the Name and the Blood,I come against that spirit of Anger.Remember that hurting people HURT people! There is pain and unresolved conflict in his life,perhaps childhood trauma,or abuse.I have written to you on another blog and when I have time,I will write to you again.In the meantime,I will be praying for your strength and rebuking that evil spirit in the Name that has defeated the one who gives rise to it.God loves you Dawn.So do we.
---Danelle on 2/26/09

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Dawn3453 Are you a Christian? Do you really want to save the marriage? Do you realize that this man has a spirit of RAGE and you must confront it? I know this from personal experience.Take the inititive and closet yourself in prayer.I MEAN PRAY WITHOUT CEASING!Skip a meal and fast,or fast as often for as long as you can.Pray for him.You may not see immediate results and he may never become a Christian.But,do this for yourself and plead the BLOOD over yourself and over your home.Pray for strength.Repeat James 4:7 Resist the devil and he will flee from you.Don't confront this man in your own strength.Humble yourself.If he becomes physically abusive,leave him at once! That spirit is strong and must be cast out!
---Danelle on 2/26/09

Pray and seek wisdom from God. Often times, verbal abuse leads to physical abuse. This is very dangerous. Women have been permanently disabled or killed by their abusive husbands. Even if he does not become physical, this will rob you of your joy in Christ and ultimately cause your view of yourself to take a nosedive. Verbal abuse over time causes low self esteem and depression. You are in my prayers:)
---jody on 2/25/09

With all due respect, your advice is an offense to every domestic violence survivor. I have worked with many christian women who have followed your advice. The end results have been mental health disorders, homelessness, loss of employment, disillusionment with the church, permanent physical scars and emotionally unstable children. Scripture says that God has called us to live in peace. Staying in a harmful relationship is not peace. It also does not honor God especially if someone ends up dead.
---pg1 on 2/25/09

There is no easy answer to this one if he won't go to counselling. You do need to keep your avenue of communication open to let him know how this hurts you. He probably learned this from his parents who acted the same way. He needs to learn how to communicate properly, without abusing you. Have patience, and be as kind as you can but let him know what he is doing. He may not even realize it if it was normal behavior in his life before he met you. Make good Christian friends who will uphold you in your quest to rid him of this problem. Walking out on him will do no good. You made a covenant, stick to it and God will bless you.
---john on 2/25/09

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Dawn: If your husband has told you to not tell people about your abuse, he is trying to control you. That is wrong. You must protect yourself and not allow yourself to be abused again.
---Trish9863 on 2/24/09

Dawn ... an abuser has no right to command his victim to keep quiet and not seek help.

I remember one of my flatmates stole from the other, who warned me about it. The thief found out I had been warned, and got quite violent,m telling his first victim "I told you not to tell Alan!"

I'm sure you will say who was in the right there... apply the same to your own situatiuon. Protect yourself!! & seek help.
---alan_of_uK on 2/24/09

this is dawn and we triedmarriage counseling once and he said that it wasnt working and didnt finsh it but he also told me not to metion the abuse to my counslor that i see now so i just dont know what to do i have a few ladies that is all no family though .Dawn if any one wants to email they can email dawn3453 through here
---Dawn_3453 on 2/24/09

Good morning Dawn3453,
I would suggest that you try talking to your husband and at some point suggest marital counseling. Pray and seek God's guidance but also use wisdom in the matter. My experience as a DV advocate has shown that verbal abuse often escalates into other forms of violence. So please be careful and take measures to protect yourself if necessary. Also, you may want to consider contacting a local DV agency to gain more insight into the dynamics of domestic violence. I will keep you in my prayers.
---pg1 on 2/24/09

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If things have gotten to the point where there is verbal abuse, then you should seek marital therapy. If he is unwilling to participate, go alone.
---Trish9863 on 2/24/09

Hi Dawn,
I am married too.marriage relationship is one of the number one thing that satan attacks in our christian lives.i guess you need to take a sit with your husband and talked together the things that needs to be settled.and pray together after your talk.

---RCHER on 2/24/09

It's not the same thing, but I was abused about my way of handling money. And I was ready to fly off into the blue yonder and never be seen again by the family. But God, I'd say, got me into peace, instead, and gave me that I should not try to make power plays to get control and money, but go for the relationship I could have with the one who abused me. Each time, I start totally fresh with him, being calm and positive and encouraging and caring about him. And he does not decide how I am. I go for how God has me being with Him, first. And see what He makes me creative to do with each person. Ah . . . (o: . . . this is the idea, anyway (o:
---Bill_bila5659 on 2/23/09

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