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Confess Affair To Parents

I confessed my affair to my spouse, now my spouse wants me to confess it to my parents and my in-laws. Should I do this, or this should be kept between spouses? I already ask God and my spouse for forgiveness, but to add more pain to more people and more shame to me, it's even more painfull.

Moderator - Keep it between spouses. The parents have nothing to do with the event. You should seek joint and possibly individual counseling.

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 ---Wife on 4/18/09
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What would be gained by telling your parents and in-laws? It would only cause them grief and they are almost certainly unable to help. It could cause tensions between the families as well. You CERTAINLY don't need that!
---Donna66 on 3/15/10

This is a private matter. However, your marriage will benefit greatly from the input of a pastor or marriage counselor.

It is important to remember that the healing process may take years. Allow your husband to express his hurt, and respond with loving sincerity. It is also important that you do not minimize his pain.

My husband was unfaithful 8 years ago. I have still not completely healed, which is partially due his dismissal or minimization of my feelings, and his lack of sincerity.

My best thoughts are with you, and your family.
---chris on 3/14/10

You should have kept your mouth shut--period! Confess to God and make a vow to never do this evil thing again. But since you have revealed the information, I would most certainly not get my parents or anyone else involved.
If you still wanted to stay in the marriage,why did you not try to work through your problems? You did not have to confess to your spouse. You did this to yourself. Whatever happens, you will have done it to yourself.
I think you wanted to hurt your spouse and that is why you confessed to him. Most of the time when people cheat, they are unhappy for whatever reason(s) and they want to make the spouse pay for causing this pain.This never works. Again you should have kept your mouth---shut!
---Robyn on 2/22/10

I'm a husband whos wife had an affair that was recently discovered.We decided not to tell our parents about the affair- but it is extremely difficult for me to be around her family.The biggest problem I continue to have with the affair- is the level of dishonesty she kept up around me. The charade- of pretending to be happy, not acknowledging what was going on, not talking to me- pretending everything is great. It is extremely painful and difficult to watch her act this same way around her family- while I know she is miserable inside and has such a big secret she is keeping from them. It reinforces how embedded and skilled this liar inside of her is- and how convincing she can be to even those most close to her while lying about how she feels
---dan on 2/22/10

Keep it to yourselves unless the one you had the affair with goes to your parents house sometimes as a friend. The same concerning your in-laws. The gist of the matter is this: don't hurt the parents and in-laws unnecessarily.
---Betty on 4/24/09

By the way, you didn't state if your husband forgave you!
---wivv on 4/20/09

This, to me, sounds like the crux of the matter. He has not forgiven her and this is a way to get back at her.

This is something that the two of you should be working out. From what you've posted, there is too much anger here.

Is counseling an option? Have you gone to your pastor?
---NurseRobert on 4/22/09

JC...So, you are the one who posted this question? It would have helped if you would have explained that you want to leave the marriage. What had you planned to tell your parents? Were you going to tell them that it was your husband's fault that you left? Time to get honest with everybody, including yourself.
---SusieB on 4/20/09

"Why?" It really is none of your parents or anyone's business except your husband, in this case. So my question is, Why does he want you to tell your parents? Ask him "Why?" By the way, you didn't state if your husband forgave you!
---wivv on 4/20/09

Chances are your husband has already told his parents about the adultery on your part. He probably just wants you to acknowledge it openly to them. As far as your parents, why wouldn't you talk to your parents about this? What happens when your parents find out from someone else? These kinds of things don't usually stay hidden. All sin comes to light eventually.
---SusieB on 4/20/09

Sounds like from you last post you do need help. If it's negatively affecting your kids and driving you crazy, you should separate yourself for a while.

I was being physically abused in my marriage and twice I left him and went back..then the third time he beat me up pretty badly and the police removed him permanently from the house - I had perfect peace after that.

I haven't seen or spoken to my ex-husband in 10 years and now he's looking for me. I don't want anything to do with him so maybe you can find peace if you separate and in-time divorce. You can't remarry or rather I should say, you shouldn't remarry unless you are fully healed and let God be your husband to you for a while. God Bless, I will say a prayer for you.
---donna8365 on 4/20/09

Thank you all for your response...I know that divorce is not an option...I have read so many articles and bible studies, and I know it takes time to heal, but at this point I just want to have a temporary separation from my spouse...He doesn't want to do it, and that's why he told me that if I want to separate, then we had to confess everything to our families...He checks my emails, phone records, never leaves me alone, etc. I know I did wrong, and I'm sorry..but I just cannot leave like this...I need to separate...we fight everyday for everything and the kids are starting to feel this situation...I need help!
---JC on 4/19/09

Whatever happens in your marriage should be kept in your marriage. It isn't no one else's business but your own. It sounds like to me your spouse wants a pity party and wants his parents and your parents to feel sorry for him because you done what you did. I wouldn't tell anyone about it, I don't see the reasoning in it. Unless you go to a marriage counsler. Your spouse wants you to be humilaited by others and to me that is the reason why he wants others to know.
---Rebecca_D on 4/19/09

I can't understand why your spouse would want the entire family to know something so very personal. What do they have to do with any of it. Have you asked him? Peace be with you.
---jody on 4/18/09

Keep it between just you 2...other wise there will be trouble in the families
---a_friend on 4/18/09

Agree with mod.

You spouse is being unreasonable and I wonder whether he has forgiven you and whether he wants your marriage to survive.

Was he unduly controlling before you had the affair? Maybe this sort of attitude to you is what led you to have the affair in the first place.
---alan8566_of_UK on 4/18/09

It sounds like your spouse is just trying to humiliate you and hasn't really forgiven you.

It's not anybody else's business.
---katavasia on 4/18/09

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I usualy stay away from these types of questions but here is what comes to mind for me:

Trust has been broken. That is a fact. Once broken it is a long road back to regain it. Perhaps your husband wants the parents to be aware so that there will be a greater sense of responsibility in the future on your part. He may feel that once these others know, it can be a greater deterrent to future indiscretions.
---Bruce5656 on 4/18/09

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