Divorce, Separate Or Lie
Married 15 years with 2 children 10 and 13. Past several years my wife straight neglected me. I am now in love with another woman (affair). My wife wants to work things out. I admit, I have no desire to, or to stop seeing this other woman. Should I separate, divorce or continue living a lie?
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---Kenny on 4/27/09
Helpful Blog Vote (12)
Ya'll should divorce so your wife can find a real man. She can remarry since you cheated on her. You on the other must remain single.
---Jon on 7/13/09|
from your post, i feel that either you are:
1. not desciplined
2.. very self centered
3. without an active christian conscience
or all of the above
i do not understand why you are not repentant about your sin and willing to turn away from it?
remember "the grass always looks greener at their feet"
watch your back.... what goes round comes round
better be around a trusted wife than an adultress... " drink water out of your own cistern"
---PAT on 7/10/09|
Greetings from London,What are we going to do about you Americans dominating wimbledon?and what a tremendous match.Christian marriage, its not an easy subject is it?Christian divorce is even worse.Im trying to understand if marriage to a USA citizen is wisdom from heaven,given that marriage has such far reaching consequences.Have a good 4th of July,your christian brother,Patrick.
---patrick on 7/4/09|
Adulterer, Please divorce your wife, she will be much better off without you. & ....Not to forget she will not miss all the potential 'problems'/curses that come with these irresponsible sinful ways you have fallen into. Proverbs speaks to you, especially chapter 5.
---leighann on 5/16/09|
So Kenny what are you thinking of doing, I know the situation your in from first hand experience so Im not talking about what I think I know Im talking about what I know, what you're doing will not lead to happiness this is the devil playing with your mind and he has you right where he wants you believeing this other woman is better for you but she's not because she apart of something that goes against the word of God, repent and turn away from her yeah she may be hurt but what is more important her feelings or your soul think about it
---melissa on 5/13/09|
KarenD: Thank you for clarifying your previous post. It concerned me a great deal, and I am afraid my reaction was harsh. Forgive my harshness and that I jumped to conclusions that you would divorce and go after a man at church.
It is disheartening to hear Christians talk about the importance of being "happy" in marriage, as though it is a right.
---Trish9863 on 5/12/09|
For those who are truly worried that I am going to leave my wonderful husband for some adulterer at church, let me explain. Just wanted to show some peoples' true characters here. Anyone that thinks it is alright for a Christian to leave their spouse because they aren't getting what they think they should from the spouse needs to start reading the Bible. As you see, when I posted the first comment, Kenny immediately called me "sweety" showing that he is a adulterous flirt. Rebecca, of course, opened up immediately and told me I should be "happy" no matter what it cost.
---KarenD on 5/12/09|
Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.
---Carla3939 on 5/12/09|
Thanks Kenny! I haven't been called Sweetie in a very long time.
---KarenD on 5/11/09|
RebeccaD: You are so sorely mistaken, because I have had JOY that is busting out of me. Just yesterday, I was telling a friend how awesomely blessed I was over the weekend. My kids were wonderful to me in expressing their love for me, even though I could only have one in town, and I had a wonderful visit with that son on Saturday, as I was unable to see him on Sunday. I was busting with joy. I do not deserve the love my kids gave me because I was not a good mother when they were younger. I had mental health issues that caused a lot of upset in our house, and it contributed to my divorce. Yet, God does bless me, not because I deserve it, but because HE gives blessings when HE sees fit, and I believe that my obedience doesn't hurt either.
---Trish9863 on 5/11/09|
Rebecca: Also, I could be miserable if I chose to, but I am happy. Right now, I have a broken foot and am unable to drive or walk. I am on crutches and must use a wheelchair at work, because my school is huge. Yet, I am blessed, because my ailment is temporary, and I have friends from church who love me and are willing to help me with rides and have offered to come over and clean my house for me. I also have people who call me to see if I need anything from the store.
Sure, I have been inconvenienced, but I have friends who are suffering from breast cancer and must undergo chemotherapy. I lost two brothers to blood clots. My little broken foot pales in comparison to them.
---Trish9863 on 5/11/09|
If a person's happiness is based on one's circumstances they are on a slippery slope. Happiness is a state of mind/attitude about life. I have seen people in bad marriages who have been able to smile and have a good life, in obedience to what God says about marriage, and their marriages end up glorifying the Lord.
---Trish9863 on 5/11/09|
Stolen waters are sweet, and bread [eaten] in secret is pleasant.
But he knoweth not that the dead [are] there, [and that] her guests [are] in the depths of hell.
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except [it be] for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
Even as Sodom and Gomorrha, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.
---Carla3939 on 5/11/09|
---kenny on 5/11/09|
Trish: Happiness is a choice. A person either chooses to be happy or they can chose to be miserable. I for one chose to be happy. If one isn't happy with themselves or with their life, then they can't make God happy. God doesn't want a bunch of miserable people mopping all day long saying Oh woe is me. Apparently your not a very happy person if you say no one deserves to be happy. That is your choice.
---Rebecca_D on 5/11/09|
**Kenny, Thank you. I've been in the same situation with my husband who won't give me enough attention and affection. A male friend at church says he can give me what my husband won't. I don't want to waste the rest of my life with a man who doesn't meet my needs. I'm going for it.
---KarenD on 5/10/09**
I'm sure that you will be as faithful to your new husband as you were to your first.
I'm also sure your male friend at church has said the same thing to other married women.
---katavasia on 5/11/09|
What a selfish bunch of people we have here...Kenny and KarenD. My needs...my needs...what about God's needs/commands? Scripture says if you love Christ you will obey Him. It is so obvious that there are people here who are putting themselves above God...selfishness is rampant.
---Trish9863 on 5/10/09|
Kenny, Thank you. I've been in the same situation with my husband who won't give me enough attention and affection. A male friend at church says he can give me what my husband won't. I don't want to waste the rest of my life with a man who doesn't meet my needs. I'm going for it.
---KarenD on 5/10/09|
Kenny, people don't seem to realize something when they fall for someone else. Even though you had your reasons for doing what you did in the beginning, after you get involved with another, your spouse just SEEMS sooooo much more awful to you. Your brain automatically builds up defenses against your spouse to rationalize your actions. You can't really stop these feelings now even if you wanted to. You would need to stop seeing the other woman, for a long time, before you will see your wife differently. Take it from someone in a marriage who has been on both sides of this fence. Christ said that we give up this world to inherit heaven. Which world do you want to live in after you die? is it worth that? How long is forever?
---char on 5/10/09|
Kenny this is so sad somebody else said this and I totally agree, if you have moved on move on all the way you need to just go ahead and divorce your wife, and there is no justifiable reason for commiting adultery it's obvious that you care nothing about the word of God so you may as well divorce your wife instead of including her in you and your mistress' sin sorry to be so blunt but fantasy is what ppl want but reality is what they need
---Melissa on 5/10/09|
Kenny,You haven't even mentioned about wanting God's will for your marriage.God is against divorce and adultry.Did it ever occur to you to think that maybe you didn't show the love for your wife the way she felt loved,so in return she didn't show you love in the way you felt loved.Read the 5 love languages book and it shows and gives examples.If you figure out hers and your love languages,you will be showing her love the way she feels loved by you,and in return,she will show you love the way you feel loved.And your marriage will work,if you put God first and put it in God's hands.Stop all contact with your mistress,and work on your marriage.If you are a christian,you would want God's will for your life and marriage.
---Angea on 5/7/09|
No, she isn't younger, 11 months older with kids. Not saying that's good or bad or it justifies anything since she isn't some young hot chick. No top models here, just an ordinary woman that appreciates me.
My request, like most guys are simple. I did not ask for much but what I did ask for my wife was unable or unwilling to give. I gave her my best.
I do love my wife, I have always loved her. I have focused on her since the day we met, i never once looked to the left or to the right.. but there were no wins or they were few and far between.
Am I wrong? Yes. But I admit it feels good to be appreciated every now and then.
BTW.. my gf isn't skinny either but she does have a cute smile.
---Kenny on 5/7/09|
According to the word you boarder on or may have already committed Adultery in your heart, Address your salvation your in deep trouble of losing out on the blessings of salvation if you do not repent what have you really gained?
Grow up and smell the coffee.... life is Not JUST ABOUT YOU Think about Your children also they'll not walk away without being damaged and their own personal lives not be affected.
Potentially your about to finish totally ruining your whole family including yourself and that of this estranged woman.
---Carla3939 on 5/7/09|
Rebecca: Boy, you are right...Where on earth does the Bible say that anyone deserves to be happy? The wages of sin are death...not happiness. There is none righteous, no not one.
We deserve to obey God's Holy Word...for Kenny that means he is to love his wife. PERIOD. Happiness is not promised to any of us..and nobody deserves it.
---Trish9863 on 5/6/09|
Kenny: I know I will get some negative replies out of this but here it is. If you are no longer in love with your wife and have no desire to be with her in any way, then you should end the marriage. It is senseless and pointless to stay married to each other if you're both pretty much miserable. You both deserve to be happy and if you can't find happiness in each other then I believe the best thing is to end the marriage, or at least separate for awhile, and see how you feel once you two are separated. If possible spend time by yourself and weigh the pros and cons to your life and your marriage. Best of luck in you're decision.
---Rebecca_D on 5/6/09|
Kenny, What you SHOULD be doing is focusing on making your wife your priority, not where you are on her list. You are commanded by the Bible to "love your wife even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it." You are headed for serious disappointment if you proceed with what you seem to have already decided. You break the vows you made with your wife and God, you will find extreme discomfort in your future situation. Put your all in what you already have(with your wife) and God can turn things around to the better for you. It will take work though!
---tommy3007 on 5/5/09|
Kenny...Ok! I get it! Now I understand. Your wife neglected you and you found someone else. If you can find one scripture that makes that alright, then I will agree with your decision to leave your family for this other woman. I'd be more concerned with what kind of woman would go with a married man. If she will be part of breaking up a family, she won't hesitate to leave you. Let me guess! She's a lot younger than you and has no children of her own who will take her time away from you?????
---SusieB on 5/4/09|
Kenny: The Biblical command to love your wife does not end, or have conditions on it. Also, things do not happen in a vacuum. What part did you play in your marriage that led up to your wife not taking an interest in sleeping with you, or other things?
Obedience to God is proof that you love Him. It appears from your posts that is not a priority in your life.
---Trish9863 on 5/4/09|
Heh.. My girlfriend's husband? That was funny.. but I don't know whether or not he knows. She does not have a husband.
After repeated attempts I tried to get my wife to see things differently, however I ranked very low on her priority list. Now some may say the enemy has come between us.. Honestly, I think the devil is getting a bad wrap. The enemy didn't tell her not to spend time with me, talk to me, nor sleep in the same room with me, she made those decisions. Fortunately, we did not have an aurgumentive relationship, but I was more alone under the same roof, than I would have been by myself. The woman I married stopped being my wife a looong time ago.
---Kenny on 5/4/09|
Josef...Adultery is not "destined" to happen when one is not as attentive to their spouse at the spouse perceives they should be. Adultery is "destined" to happen when one choses to commit sin.
---SusieB on 5/4/09|
Josef: You are right in admonishing married folks not to neglect one another, BUT, at the same time, married Christians whose needs are not being met in their marriage are obligated to pray for their spouses and love them faithfully, REGARDLESS.
---Trish9863 on 5/4/09|
For those who would neglect their spouse, be they male or female, this scenario is a prime example of what is destine to occur. Basically, infidelity, guilt, confusion, accusation, rationalization, excuses, and eventually, an attempted justification of a known error, as one embracing a victims mentality.
As it is written: "'Defraud' (deprive of a right [to be loved, respected or sexually satisfied]) ye not one the other, except [it be] with consent for a 'time' (fixed, defined and [agreed upon]), that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer, and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency (lack of self-control)." Quoted not as a judgement of Kenny or his wife, rather as a reflection upon human nature.
---Josef on 5/4/09|
Kenny...What does your girlfriend's husband think about this, or does he know?
---KarenD on 5/3/09|
Kenny ... You will have to make your choice. If you do not you will have no peace or rest in your heart, and your life will be in chaos.
If you choose your mistress, you will be betraying both your wife, your children and yourself, because you will be turning your marriage promises into lies.
If you choose your wife, you will hurt your mistress, but you will allow her once more to be honest, and you yourself will be honest, and not the liar you are at present
---alan8566_ofUK on 5/3/09|
Thanks to all that responded. I am not willing to give up years of marriage, nor am I looking to turn my back on my family. I admit, after years of being at the bottom of my wife's priority list.. I began to look at things from a different angle. I have no excuse or justification, frankly, there is none.. but if you knew the extent you may at least understand my point of view. I tried everything that I could to be the best husband, however my wife gave me very little if anything to work with. But now I am perceieved as selfish.. perhaps I am. It is true, I have basically made up my mind. I met someone that is precious to me and I do not want to lose her. It sounds horrible but the cards are on the table and that's what is real to me.
---Kenny on 5/2/09|
Great advice offered. I'll add that if you divorce, the bible says you are to remain single. If you remarry, you are still committing adultery and the other woman is in sin too. Divorce and remarriage in this case is a lose-lose situation. Also, the reason you can't rediscover "feelings" for your wife is because the other woman is still in your life. Cut her loose, get counseling, pray, study scripture and focus on your family. In time, you will regain "feelings" for your wife. With the other woman hanging around, this isn't likely to happen. It may be tough in the beginning, but if you focus on forgiveness and making it better, your family can be enriched and you can spare yourself and the other woman from a life of sin.
---AlwaysOn on 5/2/09|
So you are willing to just give up 15 years of marriage just to be with another woman? Anyways, if you are not in love with your wife anymore and are not willing to give up your mistress, then I'd get a divorce. You need to think of the bigger picture. Two wonderful children. You have already made up your mind, so why are you asking on what to do? I don't sound to be mean, but it does sound like you have your mind already set.
---Rebecca_D on 4/30/09|
Kenny...Ask us if we care how this affects you! Give me a break! You were only thinking of yourself when you started this affair. Stop thinking about yourself and think about your children who need their father to be there for them instead of being with another woman who helped break up their home. You are right that there are lives depending on your decision. How about making a decision that will not hurt your wife and children?????
---SusieB on 4/29/09|
Kenny, If you are a christian, you have no grounds to support your actions in this situation as stated in your original post. You made a vow "before God and men" and are obligated to honor it. If you divorce, you'll be living a lie! God will not bless you in rebellion. I suggest you watch the movie "Fireproof" if you haven't already and try the things the husband does in the movie, I think you'll find it very helpful. I pray that you'll do what is right and honorable in this case. Please pray hard before you do anything rash.
---tommy3007 on 4/29/09|
Kenny, I am your wife. Well, I might as well be because I'm in her exact position! So let me give it to you straight. She's made some errors which don't excuse what you've done. You're invested in this new relationship which seems far better than your old one but you're lying to yourself. If you leave, in a few years you'll be miserable again. If you stay, you'll be miserable for six months as you commit to working things out and creating a new and better relationship. It CAN be done and the end result will be the marriage you always wanted, the respect of your children, wife, friends and community and the blessings of God.
---Shel on 4/29/09|
What is your commitment to yourself, God, and family? What do they mean to you. Satan is lying to you and decieving you. After many marriages I can tell you, your commitment to God should be first and utmost, then yourself, and family.
You would be trading one problem for another. You should first honor your commitment to God, that you made with your wife. It does not have to be a lie. Maybe your love for her is not what it should be now, are what you feel for the other individual, but our Lord Jesus Christ can
turn that around, if you sincerely let Him.
I pray you will do the right thing.
---juda6863 on 4/28/09|
A. Why do you hate your kids? B. Separate from the other woman, 1Corinthians 6:13, divorce yourself from your own fleshly nature, start living the truth in Christ Jesus. C. If you do this: 1Corinthians 7:33, Ephesians 5:25-29, 31, 33, Colossians 3:19, 1Timothy 5:8, 1Peter 3:7, and she does this: 1Corinthians 11:3-10, 13, 15-16, 14:34-35, Ephesians 5:22-24, 33, Colossians 3:18, 1Timothy 2:11-14, Titus 2:5, 1Peter 3:1-2, 5-6, this resolves the situation.
p.s. 1) Don't blog, get counseling from a mature Christian, Galatians 6:1-10, and submit to God. 2) Read Romans 6:6-7, Ephesians 4:17-32, Colossians 3:1-17! 3) Pray. 4) Be kind. 5) All, get saved and trust in Jesus Christ.
---Glenn on 4/28/09|
It sounds as if you have already made up your mind.
Stolen waters are sweet, and bread [eaten] in secret is pleasant.
But he knoweth not that the dead [are] there, [and that] her guests [are] in the depths of hell.
Is it worth every step into the pit of hell? I really don't think you fully understand what the consequences of Adultery really is or you would never consider it!
---Carla3939 on 4/28/09|
Your question seems loaded, almost as if you are saying, "If I try to work this out I am living a lie." As in, since you don't want to work it out, working it out is living a lie.
I think you should go to marriage counseling. You possibly feel like you don't want to work it out, because she has hurt you.
---amand6348 on 4/28/09|
I would suggest you pray and ask God for his will be done in your marriage.God wouldn't send you someone for you to have a affair with when you are married.Maybe go to counseling,read the bible.I even suggest the 5 love languages book,by dr.gary chapman.I just read it.It is very good,interesting,and explains some things.He helped couples like you and your wife and your situation and their marriage got better.It doesn't sound like you are trusting God and wanting his will done.Put God first,and try to work things out with your wife first.Give your marriage another chance.
---Angea on 4/28/09|
All, thanks for your input: I know it is bad. It's a horrible situation to be in. Never thought in a million years I would be in a triangle like this. I am tired of it and it is wearing on me. I need to make a decision fast, lives are impacted and are at stake.. including my own.
---Kenny on 4/28/09|
Exactly what response were you hoping for here? You know the answer your going to get here and surprisingly it would probably be the same answer from Dr. Phil. This is not a hard one to figure out.
---TIMOTHY on 4/28/09|
Your wife is asking to work it out despite you going into an adulterous, fornication life and she still accepts you? What an amazing lady! She is showing you incredible mercy and you are showing her none. You will not be living a lie if you stay with her. Here is the truth, love your wife as Christ loves the Church and gave his life for her. Jame 2:13 tells us what happens to those who show no mercy. Go home and raise your kids and love your wife like you said you would and you will be far better off than running away from your responsibilities.
---john on 4/28/09|
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And you are asking us? Why not ask God? You will be/are guilty of the sin of adultery no matter what the situation. If you care about sin, you will repent. If you don't, you will just do what your flesh wants to regardless of what other Christians or the Bible tells you to do.
---obewan on 4/28/09|
Now Trish, this is the kind of advice we need from you. This is to the point and full of truth.
---Elder on 4/27/09|
Kenny...What kind of example would you be setting for your children? Do you show them that you make decisions for what you want regardless of who gets hurt? Of course, you don't want to stop seeing this other woman. She's giving you what your wife has not. For the past thirteen years your wife has been raising your children. Where have you been? What you are saying in this question is that you have no desire to do what is right or what the Lord would want you to do. Nobody can tell you to stop this adulterous affair. You've already said you don't want to stop.
---SusieB on 4/27/09|
And were you to divorce your present wife and marry this other woman, your second marriage would automatically be better because......????
If you can't make your first marriage work, where do you get the idea that your second one would?
And if you can't be faithful to your first wife, why should we believe you would be faithful to your second one?
---katavasia on 4/27/09|
Kenny: Love is a verb, and a command, not a fluffy feeling you "fall into and out of." IF, you are a saved believer, and IF you want to live obediently to God's Word, you must learn how to be a loving husband of your current wife. Cut out the adulterous relationship with your lover, and get into a discipleship relationship with an older Christian man, who has a solid marriage. Study the Word together and learn how to be a loving Christian husband.
To leave your wife for this other woman is to sin against God and your wife, as you have already done in your adultery.
Your children deserve two parents who love and obey God. Your selfishness in all of this is sad.
---Trish9863 on 4/27/09|
Thanks for the reply: Yes, I did love and cherish my wife. I worked hard and always provided for our family. For years I asked her, what am I doing? Or not doing? She would always say that it's her, not me. After years of this and many discussions with no improvement.. I changed what I expected and desired from her. We had not been intimate in months prior to me meeting this other person. Then I told her I am done, I want to move on. My wife now admits she took me for granted. I forgive her, but my feelings for her have changed. I love her.. but no longer love her in the way that I used to. I love this other person dearly and I am tired of living in two worlds.
---Kenny on 4/27/09|
You should REPENT of your affair and make an honest effort to restore the relationship you have violated. The first thing you should do would be to search your heart and ask yourself how much you contributed to your wife's "neglect"? You made a vow before God and men to love and to cherish no matter what, did you mean it? You seriously need to seek God's forgiveness for your part in this without making excuses.
---tommy3007 on 4/27/09|