Husband Has A Girl Friend
Husband has "girl" friend. I have demanded he stop seeing her, prayed about it but he always says that they are just friends. I trust him but not her. Now it turns out the husband + GF are having lunch once a week and I didn't know. How do I deal with this? Divorce is not an option.
Moderator - Counseling
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---Angela on 5/15/09
Helpful Blog Vote (25)
Hi, its good to know that you are not giving up on your marriage. I wish more people would stand for their marriage. You should continue to pray about it and when you pray, pray the word of God. Trust me God will turn it around, don't give up
---felicia on 3/9/10|
Have you asked him why he is having lunch with her? Maybe she is going through something and need to talk to a friend. Find out whats behind something before jumping to conclusions. If you trust your husband then you shouldn't be so fearful. Seek God regarding the matter and ask Him to show you how to deal with the situation and ease your mind of fear and any other worries.
---Connie on 3/9/10|
Every man should have an accountability partner and I would urge you to find some mature brethren in the church to confront him.
You husband belongs to you and you to your husband. Maybe she is just a friend but holy living is wise living and your husband is using no wisdom.
Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do something.
Why doesn't he replace that weekly luncheon with a lunch with you or his male accountability partner.
Every christian man needs the fellowship of other christian brothers.
Sorry to hear about your plight. God bless.
---larry on 3/9/10|
I wrote before, now I will try (for the sake of argument) taking his side, just for you to think about it. Is it possible that they are just friends, innocent, and he feels irritated that a genuine friendship (assume it is only a friendship) is being blocked because you feel upset about it. I say this because sometimes we are overly suspicious. SORRY if I have upset or offended you
---peter3594 on 3/9/10|
Talk with him about this. Your husband belongs to YOU, not to this chick. You're wise not to trust her, but, your husband has an obligation to be honest to you. I agree with the Mod, Counseling may be in order, but, he's your husband, and with the temptations out there, you need to get to the real reason for this so-called friendship. The girl may not even know that he's married, I don't know, just being the "devil's advocate", she may be innocently thinking that he's single. But, you must talk with him. You have a right to know. When a man and woman are married to each other, the Scriptures say that the woman's body belongs to the husband, and the man's body now belongs to his wife. No room for sharing this type of private property.
---Gordon on 3/9/10|
What makes me suspicious is that you didn't know about their lunch. It is POSSIBLE he did not want to tell you of something that is innocant (if they are really just friends but he know it would upset you), but you cannot be sure. If you were sure they were just friends, would that be such a problem? Are you suspicious that it is more? Or do you feel he is caring more about another woman?
---peter3594 on 3/9/10|
It never ceases to amaze me how so many can broad-jump onto a bandwagon so fast... without ever asking any questions in an effort to gain some depth of understanding of a situation.
Perhaps Angela might have provided a few details as to how this friendship came to be: like, does he work with her? Did he meet her at a bar, library, family gathering? Does she know her? Is she related? Is this a first: second: tenth occurrence?
Some background might help point out the true problem rather than what might merely be symptoms of a problem. Marriages don't operate within a vacuum. Sometimes things happen on their own. However, sometimes things happen as the result of other things. That may not make either right: but it may be the truth.
---BruceB on 2/2/10|
Taking him and yourself for Christian Marriage Counseling would be the next step if he will acknowledge that there is a problem. He may say that the problem is all yours. I do not understand why you trust him if he is hiding his contacts with her. I have found that these types of relationships outside of a marriage are not innocent. It begins with spiritual adultery and then physical adultery. If you do not clearly assert yourself with an ultimatum, then you are giving him permission to continue the course. It's called enabling. Pray about it and do be wise and take wise Godly counsel. My prayers go out for you.
---jody on 1/29/10|
Here are a few things to consider. 1, why was your husband hiding his lunch dates with her? 2, if they are really just friends, why wont he give her up?
You say that divorce isn't an option, but the bible permits it in times of adultry
---emily on 1/29/10|
The husband in the original question is commiting emotional adultry. He is giving time and attention to another woman in a social outing. That time and attention belongs to the wife plus he should not be going out on that "date" because he is a married man. Men who are married but want to act single are monsters inflicting terrible heartache on their wives.
---Darlene_1 on 1/29/10|
Who said divorce is not an option? Where do you get this stuff from? You do not have to ever tolerate this behavior from your husband! I suspect he is having the time of his life laughing at you and making a fool out of you! You need to learn and understand the Word of God.
Even if you don't divorce you do not have to stay with this man. You can separate from him and start a life without him. You won't be able to marry another person until his death but at least, you will have your self-respect back. Or you can also divorce him. Preachers, leaders in the church are cheating,fornicating and divorcing everyday. Sin is sin. God hates divorce but He hates all sin. Get my point? Pray and seek the Lord on this for yourself.
---Robyn on 1/10/10|
I understan what you are saying, devorce is not and option. But Marriage counsling is very important to your good mental health. Ask him to go with you if yu have not already. If he refuses then there is evidence that he is having and affair
Seek help before it destroys you physically and mentaly
---Dr_George on 1/8/10|
I offer you limitless empathy as I'm going through a similar thing, only I am fortunate that my husband's 'girl friend' is a semi-safe distance away. What unsettles me most is that I have caught him lying to my face about correspondence he receives from her: text messages, e-mail, etc. She is married to a drunk (her side of the story) & supposedly my husband is her "shoulder to cry on friend". I've tried to tell him if she wanted to make it work she'd be crying on her own huband's shoulder, not mine, but he refuses to quit speaking to her. We have no children & I've considered leaving as lying to my face is a greater betrayal than cheating in my opinion. Is it worth hanging on or should I cut my losses.
---Sarah on 1/6/10|
King Solomon talks alot about a wife of noble character, and how a wise woman builds her house, while the foolish one tears hers down. Go to God on this one, I think in your heart you know the answer, but if you ask God to build your house, then even if it is crumbling now, He will build it for you, there is no evil minded thing that can prevail, Remember Isaiah, "As for me and my house we will serve The Lord". Let his "friend" try to challenge your house as given to you by God, she will lose. God has never lost a battle. Your prayer has also become my prayer now.
---Jake on 9/28/09|
please let him know that if she is TRULY JUST A FRIEND, than to stop seeing her should not be a difficult thing and not neccessary to sneak around with her. In case she is single, his being around her too often may reduce her chances of finding her OWN husband.
His allegiance should be for his family FIRST not to some friend supposed to be "JUST A FRIEND"
we all have male friends...we don't break up their homes....that girlfriend needs talking to
it is easy to turn down lunch and weekend out invitations in a polite way....
i am surprised some women condone this
---patie3447 on 9/25/09|
please if you are on this site- christianet and you have been sneaking around with somebody else's spouse, i am asking you by the mercies of God to stop it now.....
No excuse is good enough for your behaviour
Stop it now or face the wrath of God!!
This is why we have the spirit of self control
If you trully want to stop it you will!!
it is disheartening to see christians chasing other people's spouses!!
stop it and stop it now!!
---patie3447 on 9/25/09|
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"Wherefore I caused them to go forth out of the land of Egypt, and brought them into the wilderness.
And I gave them my statutes, and shewed them my judgments, which if a man do, he shall even live in them.
Moreover also I gave them my sabbaths, to be a sign between me and them, that they might know that I am the LORD that sanctify them.
But the house of Israel rebelled against me in the wilderness: they walked not in my statutes, and they despised my judgments, which if a man do, he shall even live in them, and my sabbaths they greatly polluted: then I said, I would pour out my fury upon them in the wilderness, to consume them."
Sabbath is set distinctly appart from God's statutes and judgments.
---Nana on 9/25/09|
Betty: Again, you quote scripture that does not say "keep 9 Commandments and throw out the fourth." If it were true, then why did all the disciples continue to keep the Fourth Commandment? I'm still waiting for a logical answer to my very valid question:
By what logic do you arrive at the conclusion that the Fourth Commandment was a part of the Old Covenant that was done away with by the New Covenant, but the other nine were not?
---jerry6593 on 9/24/09|
jerry- Here we go again. I suppose you never saw the numerous scriptures I answered that with in the past months. My logic came from the Bible. Ephesians 2:15-16 "Having abolished in His flesh the enmity, even the law of commandments contained in ordinances, for to make in Himself of twain one new man, so making peace, And that He might reconcile both unto God in one body by the cross, having slain the enemity thereby...." Ephesians 2:18-19 "For through Him we both have access by one Spirit unto the Father. Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God...."
---Betty on 9/23/09|
Betty: By what sort of twisted logic do you arrive at the conclusion that the Fourth Commandment was a part of the Old Covenant that was done away with by the New Covenant, but the other nine were not? And what is your scriptural justification for the distinction?
---jerry6593 on 9/23/09|
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rhonda- You seem to be obsessed by the Roman Catholic Church. I'm not obsessed by it & neither am I Catholic. It seems if you disagree with something in the Bible, you claim it's a rcc doctrine. The sabbath command was not a moral command, it was a test of obedience. Christians haven't kept it since the days of early Christianity. The apostles did not command the Gentiles to keep the sabbath, neither did anybody else need to keep the sabbath after Jesus rose from the dead, because we are under a New Covenant that does not include a sabbath.
---Betty on 9/22/09|
jerry- I'm not the author of Romans 13:9. The sabbath was not a moral law, but a test of obedience. Look in the New Testament & see if Jesus ever quoted "Thou shalt keep the sabbath day." It was part of the old covenant.
---Betty on 9/22/09|
Betty: And your point is.....? Apparently, you think that Rom 13:9 translates as "you may now break the Ten Commandments." I don't see that. In fact, I would think that Jesus' words should carry more weight with Christians:
Mat 5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law
I just looked outside. Heaven and earth are still there.
---jerry6593 on 9/22/09|
Romans 13:9 is PROOF of Gods SABBATH not the god of this worlds sun-day worship
Matthew 5:17 ...Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am come not to destroy, but to fulfill
Rom 13:9 references Isa 42:21 The LORD is well pleased for His righteousness sake, He will magnify the law
no small wonder Gods 10 Commandments are still in effect today when one CAREFULLY studies scripture
even MOTHER rcc tells ALL that Gods Sabbath was NEVER abolished and those who follow the suns-day OBEY HER and DISOBEY God
even rcc does not ignorantly IMPLY Gods Sabbath has been abolished knowing rcc established sun-day worship LONG after Apostles were dead
---Rhonda on 9/21/09|
jerry- Romans 13:9 "For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet, and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love they neighbor as thyself."
---Betty on 9/21/09|
There is 1 counsel God gave me thro' somebody, it is found in Gen.1:1, "in the beginning God". START discussing this problem with God now, every aspect of it, do not hold anything back. Prov.2:6 "For the Lord gives wisdom....". I promise you that God will give you wisdom to overcome this problem, it shall soon become history and you shall praise HIM more & more.
---Adetunji on 9/20/09|
you have asked he stop seeing her and he agreed then continued to commit adultery and more lies with his secret life ...obviously if he is sneaking around to see her it IS more than a "friendship"
IF your husband refuses counseling
and divorce is not an option
then you have nothing else to do ...accept his new life without you and learn to settle for less and less ...you have no choice you cannot make someone remain loyal in marriage or want to build a life of trust commitment and communication
---Rhonda on 9/20/09|
Betty: "I did not say I don't keep the ten commandments, but now I say this: I keep all of them except the sabbath command."
Jas 2:10 For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.
---jerry6593 on 9/19/09|
I'm in the same situation. I don't know where you are at in this and how long it has been going on, but you need to make a stand or it will deatroy your marriage. I do not believe in divorce I thier because of that I'm living in a stiualtion with my husband and his girlfriend who was just a friend to start with. I would encourage you to read Tough Love by dobson, I don't agree with it all. Also start the Love dare from Fire proof. Is he a christian, if not start praying now. I have been dealing with it for 4 years made many mistakes in the beginnign just to hang on to my husband. Any questions I would love to share from my life if it would be helpful. Also I love the Lord! Keep in his word, day and night and get anwers from him.
---Tera on 9/17/09|
Angela, First, is your husband a Christian, or does he claim to be one? If so, he then should be in tune with your concern. He should make himself be in-tune. You are right that 'though your husband is trustworthy, the lady friend may have something up her sleeve. Or, it could turn in to something unacceptable without them deliberately "trying" for it. We men know ourselves, there is always going to be temptation for us to do the illicit thing, so we are to be on guard. Your husband should be aware and alert to not let himself be lured into what he KNOWS deep inside is wrong. You should be the only woman that gets his passion and love, he married YOU, and not her. PRAY!, and talk calmly with him about your concerns.
---Gordon on 6/25/09|
Sorry to say this but I am going through the same thing and they said they were just friends but it is more. He goes there after work till 3am. He says he shouldnt have to choose cuz he wont be happy but it is alright for me and kids to suffer. I know divorce is not an option for me either too expensive. So I have gone on with my life and do things for me and kids. maybe she'll get tired and leave. I pray everyday too. I'll pray for you too!
---Cassie on 6/23/09|
I apologize Angela, for taking your blog spot with this question to Betty. Please forgive me.
I have a dear godly girlfriend who went through a similar situation. Her husband's girlfriend became his best friend.
My girlfriend remained kind to the other woman, even fed her at her own table! She did what God has said, "love your enemies, do good to those who persecute you" I was so amazed she was able to do that, don't think I could have. She prayed, counseled with other godly women she could trust. She also trusted God to take care of the situation for her. God did and in a very mighty way. The other woman left, now her husband completely adores her and realized his mistake. The Lord is merciful. In prayer 4U.
---SuzieH on 6/6/09|
SusieH I must have missed something! Where did Betty say she did not keep the 10 Commandments? It's not on this blog.
And looking at yours of 6/4, why did her comments surprise you so much?
---alan8566_of_uk on 6/5/09|
We seem to have 2 Michael's blogging therefore I have changed my name to MIchael.
I don't know who came in first and I apologize on my end for any confusion. Although, I have never had a girlfriend while married and have never been demon possessed to my knowledge.
---MIchael on 6/5/09|
suzieh- I did not say I don't keep the ten commandments, but now I say this: I keep all of them except the sabbath command. Many times I have posted why on these blogs. You bristle up at anybody who speaks against the sabbath and for the Lord's Day. Jesus said if a man even looks at a woman to lust after her in his heart, he has committed adultery already in his heart. Matthew 5:28 The Name of the Lord is magnified. Men and women have the right to divorce in the case of adultery.
---Betty on 6/5/09|
I said nothing of condemnation or condoning.
Betty has said she does not believe we are required to keep
the Ten Commandments.
She does in fact believe that we are required to obey the
Ten Commandments by her obvious position.
She clearly sees that adultery is a sin - defined as a transgression of a
Ten Commandment law which must be confessed,
and repented of to receive forgiveness.
If there were no requirement to keep the TC laws, adultery would not be a sin. But it is a sin which requires to be forgiven.
(presently or in future, not 2000 yrs ago) Heb12:24,Mt6,Lk11
Christ is our mediator ready to forgive today.
He ever liveth to make intercession. Heb 7:25
---SuzieH on 6/5/09|
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condone: to regard or treat (something bad or blameworthy) as acceptable, forgivable, or harmless
Merriam Webster OnLine
---Nana on 6/5/09|
SusieH ... I think you have totally misread what Betty says.
She says she "Do not condone adultery"
That means she supports the Biblical view of adultery.
Have you by chance thought that "condone" means the same as "condemn"?
---alan8566_of_uk on 6/4/09|
To the blogger Mrs when people love the lord and are saved they must cast all their cares upon him for he caers for you.The word of God is a light unto your path way and a lamp under your feet.If you dont know for sure that there has been any unfaithful acts I would say go to the lord in prayer and fasting, to know. Fasting is going with out food.If you arent use to fasting work at skipping meals and talking to God.You can build your self up spiritually to where fasting will come easy.God bless
---laverne on 6/4/09|
I am ashamed to say that I am a man who has been where your husband is right now. Typically, men do not have female "friends" that they try to hide from their spouse. I had one such "friend", and although my wife trusted me, I did end up having an affair. You NEED to be assertive, even if it is not in your nature. You must sit him down and tell him how much this hurts you and how uncomfortable it makes you feel. If he loves you, he will care enough to make changes.
---Michael on 6/4/09|
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You have said you did not believe in keeping the Ten Commandments.
Your comments surprise me.
Adultery is listed as a sin against one of the Ten Commandments.
Do you believe we are to keep them sometimes and not at others?
---SuzieH on 6/4/09|
Unless you want more trouble later, you ought to consider leaving him. Some women have been killed because of the other woman. The fact that he is seeing her means that he wants to and he cannot be trusted either. Do not condone adultery.
---Betty on 6/3/09|
You do not have to deal with it turn it over to God, Revenge is mine saith the Lord. Tell your husband that you have turned him over to God that he made a vow to God to honor you and he is not and that not only you are crying out to God but others also. I will pray with you.
You have to tell him if you want God to do something. God is righteous and requires a warning and a space for repentance. If he will not repent just be prepared to deal with what ever God does.
---Exzucuh on 5/20/09|
You can't deal with this if he knows you have no other option. If you have ask him to stop and he hasn't, (even if she is just a friend), it shows his lack of respect for you, he should have stopped just because you have ask him. I would also suggest counseling, like the moderator, but he may reject this idea. He knows he can, "have his cake and ice cream too!) The main thing that concerns me is your use of the term, "demanded". He may have a personality that rebels at this word, and he is just going to show you. Try another more tactful approach.
---wivv on 5/20/09|
Within you already lies the true answer to your question. Never will a man seek out another if he is following true Christian doctrine. I.E. at marriage we vow to cleve to each other and become one united soul. This relationship is perhaps harmless at present, but potentially violent in human form, as ultimately humans will succumb to satanic pleasures.
Ask him to re-commit his vows, look within you for improvement in your relationship, know that all will eventually turn around if you both commit to each other. Keep strong, pray for his reconnection to your vows, and for your own enlightenment.
---Grace on 5/17/09|
Its a betrayal because it is a regular meeting. Counseling is good but only effective if you both go together. Personally, I would decide whether I loved my husband enough to put up with infidelity, (or depended on him enough for it). Also, are there any children to consider. Certainly I would not agree with him having a meal without me and with another woman. If the situation continues you might ask your husband whether he minds you having a boyfriend. That might make him see how hurtful it is.
---frances008 on 5/17/09|
Katavasia: I do not seriously advocate violence. I was joking in response to a previous reply. Violence is no way to resolve a problem in a marriage. I apologize if I did not make it clear that I was joking.
---Trish9863 on 5/17/09|
It's curious the number Christian women here who express their willingness to stoop to physical domestic violence on their husbands.....
And at the same time the number of postings by Christian women who do nothing but complain about how mean their husbands are.
Yet, there is only ONE posting here from a man who feels his wife is not treating him right.
I wonder how many women look at themselves to see if maybe they are not responsible for their husbands' wanderings.
---katavasia on 5/17/09|
I would tell him that it's either her or me and I would avoid him for quite sometime.
---amand6348 on 5/17/09|
I like the rolling pin or frying pan idea myself.
But, I would separate and insist on marital therapy IF you wish not to divorce. You are foolish to trust him, since he has deceived you about his meetings with her in the first place. I would also insist on tests for sexually transmitted diseases and HIV before sleeping with him again, should you reconcile.
---Trish9863 on 5/16/09|
If you have real Christians where you are, I'd say you need to find out who they are and take this up with them. Including with his pastor, if he has one. But a real pastor who will be effective and find out what to do.
And . . . he is your husband. So, I would think you possibly know him, so you can understand him and know what to do. Or else, you have been loving a guy who you don't even know. If you don't even know this guy, maybe now you need to just get to know him so you can find out what he needs and help him. If God has made you his wife, then you can trust God to make you able to help him, as his helpmate.
---Bill_bila5659 on 5/16/09|
"How do I deal with this?" Angela, "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding."
Cast all your care, anxiety and fears upon Him, knowing that He cares and is concerned for you.
"Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
Commit thy way unto the LORD, trust also in him, and he shall bring [your desires] to pass.
Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.
Be careful for nothing, but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God."
Pro 3:51Pe 5:7>Psa 27:14>Psa 55:22>Phl 4:6
---josef on 5/15/09|
Seems you have answered your own question. You have already decided divorce is not a option. Ask your husband to go for regular sexually transmitted disease testing or you put your self and family at risk. I know someone that knew her husband was cheating and now she is dying from Hepatitis C. She has put it in God's hands and will not take the treatment. Pray for wisdom and a solution. said my prayer when I wrote this.
---Don on 5/15/09|
There's a reality of a divorce (even if it's not legal) if he's so out of touch with your feelings and needs that he sneaks around with his "friend." Divorce and adultery aren't just legal or physical matters. They're as much spiritual and emotional as they are legal and physical.
If it weren't so Jesus would not have said that to look lustfully is adultery. So it's important that we look at our attitudes and behaviors at a systemic level, and not just the things he spoke of, anger or lust but every human drive.
Now he won't tell you obviously so you have to look at some ways that maybe your not meeting some of his needs. I'm not excusing his debacle, cause he screwed up, but I'm saying there's two sides to every coin.
---Pharisee on 5/15/09|
Sounds to me like you need to "meet" your husband for lunch at the same time and same place as they are lunching. Perhaps that might send them a message.
---SusieB on 5/15/09|
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Moderator - counseling.
Another brother in Christ must confront him and warn him that everything that is hidden will come to light and his entire life as he knows it will slip away - meaning his family, reputation, finances and even health are at risk. Losing the joy of his salvation is the first casualty.
Bless that poor woman.
---larry on 5/15/09|
good night my friend, first of all i think that the lord allow me to read this blog for a reason,you see, i have had the same experience as you have and i can tell you, its not an easy trial to go through, i have cried so much that my pillow was so wet i had to get another,i have tried all the ways and even more,than a regular person tries, but to no avail,its only the lord can intervene my friend, you have to get on your knees and pray, friends will tell you all sort of things,like he is not worth it or move on,and satan will come to you also with all sort of lies and deception. but i want to encourage you to allow jesus to work in your life, he is a true friend, give him a chance and he will make a difference god bless you
---mikey on 5/15/09|
Oh please woman are you blind,
is it not clear to you that he has not come clean at the start by not telling you about the lunches. He is not worthy of you, divorce is the only option for a man who can lie and make a mockery of your marriage. Marriage it about two people not three. Tell him to get rid or you get rid.
---Michelle on 5/15/09|
Back in the old days, didn't a wife handle this type of thing with a rolling pin or a frying pan to the back of her husband's skull as he was walking in the door from his galavanting?
---ralph7477 on 5/15/09|
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Counsel, possibly separate. "Just friends" is not acceptable for a married person. Weren't the two of you just friends when you first met before you were married? Just friends can lead to more. Let him know that as a married couple just friends is not acceptable unless you're included in the lunches too. Try not to demand he change his behavior. Ask him why he thinks its necessary to be meeting her for lunch? Here's something else to consider (a bit on the painful side, but) is there some need she's meeting for your husband that you're not? Open communication perhaps? Quality time? Fun? Just a thought.
---Vicki on 5/15/09|