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Come Back To My Husband

Husband has been verbally/emotionally abusive during 8 yrs of marriage. He filed for divorce, then said he made a mistake and doesn't want divorce. Divorce not final, 18 months in court. Do I move back into new home and stay married? He has promised change before - always temporary change. No kids.

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 ---Lyn on 7/21/09
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Don't go back he will never change. I don't think he loves you. Make your own life.
---carlos on 8/15/09

Glenn: Respectfully, I must agree to disagree with you. I am a Christian who is also licensed to practice psychotherapy. This qualifies me to work in any mental health setting. My training and experience has taught me that I can serve the Lord and help people who suffer from mental illness.

I have been through therapy and counseling with therapists who were Christians, and people trained in Christian counseling, and I found the latter lacking in skill and understanding of the issues that were brought out. The therapist who was a Christian, and also licensed to practice therapy, was much more effective.
---Trish9863 on 7/27/09

Trish9863: A therapist who is a Christian and a Christian Therapist is comparable to the difference between the too common businessman Cristian and the very rare Christian businessman. Psychotherapy is an offshoot of the philosophy of "New Thought', and often comes into conflict with Biblical truth. Conventional therapy concerns the soul, not the Spirit of a man. It tends to reinforce selfishness since it focuses on the self, i.e. self esteem. There are some counseling techniques if used in submission to Gods' word, along with submitting to other mature Christians, that are useful. Without repentance, yielding to God, and a miraculous healing, there will be no cure in this situation. 1Timothy 4:7, 6:20, 2Timothy 2:16.
---Glenn on 7/27/09

Is former abandonment really the issue?

I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." Matthew 19:9

Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." Mark 10:9

But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery. "Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but keep the oaths you have made to the Lord.' Matthew 5:32-33
---stephen on 7/27/09

You are not seeking the Lords direction. Both of you need to consider the other persons best interest, Genesis 3:16 (4:7), Proverbs 14:1, 1John 4:12. A husbands needs to love his wife, and a wife needs to respect her husband. Neither is optional, nor conditional. Jesus prohibited divorce except for adultery. A divorce, without cause, was no divorce, and so, another marriage was a type of bigamy. 1Corinthians 7:10-11, but not 15, is applicable.
Deuteronomy 22:17-19, 28-29, 24:1-4, Proverbs 2:17 (forsaketh husband), Isaiah 54:4-8, Jeremiah 3:1, Malachi 2:14-16.
Matthew 5:31-32, 19:3-12, Mark 10:2-12, Luke 16:18, 1Corinthians 6:15-16, 7:10-17, 27.
1Timothy 3:1-15, Titus 1:6-9, 1Peter 5:2-3.
---Glenn on 7/27/09

Glen and Lois,
Do you believe that filing for divorce is abandonment? There have also been other incidents that resulted in him being placed on probation (although I wasn't injured in 2003 and 2009). We did live in the home together until seven months ago. His main complaint was that I "talked to him any kind of way." Well, I had grown tired of him calling me names and using profanity, and going into rages over minor issues. So I am sure that my tone became harsh. I have been patient, kind, longsuffering, etc.- but he filed for divorce after telling me for years that he was going to get rid of me. I delight myself in the Lord and want peace and the desires of my heart. No drugs/alcohol involved.
---lyn on 7/25/09

No do not go back! I was married for over 15 years to a man I thought loved me and walked with Christ. He was a minister of God. We had a street ministry together. Went to church and shared God with others. Then he would come home drugged or drunk and beat me until he broke something.. Eventually it was my spirit.! So I stayed along time. Well I stayed to long and the last time he beat me he almost killed me.. He is now in prison for life and I am safe and serving GOD the way I am suppost to.. Happy, safe, and in GOD's love!! Do not go back .. PLEASE thank you Kim
---KIM_Chatman on 7/25/09

Glenn: Christian therapists call personality disorders maladaptive coping behaviors. Some people experience enormous amounts of trauma in their childhood, and learn to cope with that trauma in unhealthy ways, because they have no healthy adults to teach them how to cope in healthy ways. These coping behaviors grow into bigger, unhealthy behaviors, sin sometimes but not always, and often destroy any chance of developing healthy relationships in adult life.

Accepting Christ as savior offers hope of healing, but that healing most often requires professional help because the patterns of behavior are so deeply ingrained, because it is rooted in the childhood trauma.
---trish9863 on 7/24/09

I would not. I was married for 9 years. My husband was an alcoholic. He kept saying things and saying things but never changing despite my prayers and anything that I would say. Perhaps you could spend time with your husband while living apart and see if you see a definite change. God does change people. Be careful.
---Lois on 7/24/09

Christians call a personality disorder being selfish, *3. The Social Sciences are useful to categorize sin, but will not set you free. Also, get counseling from a mature Christian, Galatians 6:1-10, and look for one of these rare birds, Titus 2:3-5. If you do this: 1Corinthians 11:3-10, 13, 15-16, 14:34-35, Ephesians 5:22-24, 33, Colossians 3:18, 1Timothy 2:11-14, Titus 2:5, 1Peter 3:1-2, 5-6, and he does this: 1Corinthians 7:33, Ephesians 5:25-29, 31, 33, Colossians 3:19, 1Timothy 5:8, 1Peter 3:7, this resolves the situation.
---Glenn on 7/24/09

As in many blogs, you hear only one side of the story *1. While the husband is to take responsibility for his household, it doesn't absolve the wife of accountability *2. "99% was his fault", is not probable. It is impossible to let disobedience rule in your relationship with your husband, without affecting your obedience to Jesus, but if your husband were to ask you to do something immoral, Acts 4:19 and 5:29 allow you to say no. Jesus prohibited divorce except for fornication, and abandonment by an unsaved spouse, Matthew 5:31-32, 1Corinthians 7:12-16 (14).
---Glenn on 7/24/09

All, get saved and trust in Jesus Christ, don't uncover your husbands nakedness, but Galatians 6:1, submit to God, pray, seek Gods' direction, Isaiah 55:6, Matthew 7:7-8, Hebrews 11:6., be kind, Ephesians 4:32, Don't listen to those bitter folk who tell you to divorce, Jude 1:12, 2Peter 2:17.
*1 Numbers 35:30, Deuteronomy 17:6, 19:15, Proverbs 17:9, 18:13, 17, Matthew 18:16, John 8:17, 2Corinthians 13:1, 1Timothy 5:19, Hebrews 10:28.
*2 Consider Genesis 2:23-25, 3:16 (Genesis 4:7), Proverbs 14:1, Galatians 5:14, 1Timothy 5:13-14, 2Timothy 3:6-7, 1Peter 1:14.
*3 Deuteronomy 6:5, Matthew 22:37-40, Mark 12:30-31, Luke 10:27.
---Glenn on 7/24/09

Lyn: God can answer you by October 1. Pray and ask Him for the wisdom and the peace. He gives both liberally. Also, ask Him for discernment in regard to your husband's behavior and the way he relates to you. If you are to go back, you will know. God is not limited by calendars or clocks. We are. Remember His peace is there.

Also, seek a mature Christian woman in your church to mentor you and be a prayer warrior for you. God gave me such a woman, and we have been in touch for over 10 years, even though she moved away. Her wisdom and love, as well as her encouragement toward prayer and the Bible have helped me grow and get through some really rough trials.
---Trish9863 on 7/24/09

God doesn't help those with divine healing who are living in SIN and Jesus doesn't heal those who are not following His teachings. For proof - go read the account in Joshua after Jericho fell. God let many die for the sins of one man in the group for stealing and lying to God.

If your prayer group has someone like a Judas in it, then God/Jesus may not answer your prayer.

When two or more of you gather in my name, then ....

It doesn't say when two or three of you plus one Judas gather in my name, then ...
---stephen on 7/24/09

When I attended college and took psychology, biology, and pre-med classes, I learned that their foundations were not rooted in Christ or Biblical principles, but in man's philosophy.

Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit,
after the tradition of men,
after the rudiments of the world,
and not after Christ.

Many of my troubles were dissolved as I studied and applied Biblical knowledge, laws, precepts. (Obeyed and sought God)

Drugs are formed from an evolutionary religious stand point.
God gave us good food, water, and herbs as our medicine.
Man has distorted God's truth and His medicine.

It is better to follow after God and not after the ways of man.
---SuzieH on 7/24/09

I knew you were a professional by your response. Thank you. God uses a therapist just as he does a medical doctor. My problem is that I need a fast answer - with the peace of God. I have to decide by 10/1/09 or the divorce will be dismissed. When he filed, I felt that God had answered my prayers for deliverance, that is why I would not reconcile. I am renting a condo and am uncomfortable. I do want to be back in my own home. Although husband wants me to move back, I am worried and frightened that the same behavior will return. I have been praying and doing my best to wait on God.
---lyn on 7/23/09

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stephen: "Psychotherapy is the work of Satan."

Psychotherapy is not the work of Satan, it is the vain work of man trying to undo what Satan is doing - either through multiple sessions or drug therapy. Only God can heal these poor souls.

Trish9863: "I guess all the psychiatric hospitals are all Satan's playgrounds."

On the contrary, it's the minds of men that are the playgrounds of Satan - both the mentally ill and the menatally "well."
---Steveng on 7/23/09

Stephen: You are so funny. I have been healed by the Lord in many areas, and He used my psychotherapist to help me learn what to bring to Him.

I guess I am doing the work of Satan then, because I am a psychotherapist at a psychiatric hospital. I guess all the psychiatric hospitals are all Satan's playgrounds. Poor mentally ill people.
---Trish9863 on 7/23/09

Psychotherapy is the work of Satan.

I tried it and things got worse for me. When I finally submitted completely to God, he lead me to a new pastor who with one prayer session removed one of my biggest impediments. The session took about 45 minutes.

I have plenty of other issues to work on, but I'll take one at a time and work through them with the church and pastors.

If you say your pastor doesn't have the skills to do this, then seek out a new pastor. Keep knocking until you find one.
---stephen on 7/23/09

If your husband has a personality disorder, then he needs to be in therapy with a licensed psychotherapist who has experience with personality disorders. Some disorders require long term therapy and change is slow and discouraging. Denial is usually a hallmark trait. Make sure your therapist is licensed by the state in which he/she practices.

Pray for your husband and for God to guide both of you in this.
---Trish9863 on 7/22/09

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Yes, we have gone to counseling twice in the past - spiritual and secular. Currently in counseling. He has attended regularly. Counselor believes that he has a personality disorder. He usually believes that he has done nothing wrong - it's all my fault and he makes excuses for his behavior (profanity, calling me names, destroying furniture and tv, etc). He did finally admit that 99% was his fault. Has replaced damaged items (what a waste of money). He has attended church with me even before marriage. Attends church and drives church van. Although I have always built him up,he exhibits low self-esteem and insecurity. Jealous of my family/friends.
---Lyn on 7/22/09

Do you have a pastoring couple who is an example like 1 Timothy 3:1-10, so you can feed on their example of how to love in marriage and bring up children? And do you have people who are obviously getting *you* somewhere with God? Feed with these people, enjoy all you do have with these. Or . . . "seek and you will find" (in Matthew 7:7). And even though it is wrong to abuse, how might you be tempting him to argue or whatever? "'But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you." (Matthew 6:33) "rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God." (1 Peter 3:4)
---Bill_bila5659 on 7/22/09

Don't speak to a layperson (marital therapist) outside your church about it. Go to your pastor or priest and deal with it there according to the scripture.
---stephen on 7/22/09

After 8 years, let him prove he love you. Make him work for it, I believe he can change. But I also know he can lie!
Only if he makes you happy, I know, I want you to be happy!
And I dont even know you!
May my lord help you!
God Bless
---TheSeg on 7/22/09

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Have you tried marital therapy? Or, have you done any individual therapy? I would suggest you not move home without both.
---Trish9863 on 7/21/09

Check out Mark 10, Matthew 19, Matthew 5

31It has been said, Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.f 32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

I'd suggest consulting with someone in your church if you're both Christians. if both are christians, the word is clear.
---Stephen on 7/21/09

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