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Confess Affair To My Husband

I have been married almost 20 years. Last month I had a very brief affair with a long time friend. The affair is over. I have confessed and I am trying to be a better wife to my husband. My question is in order to move on and be a good wife, do I have to confess this affair to my husband.

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 ---Kaye on 8/10/09
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Stop being selfish.
You dishonored your vows, now you want to cause more pain to your husband?
I think you want to confess to make yourself FEEL better.

Don't tell him and live with your sin alone. Confess to God that should be enough for you.

I think you wanted your husband to catch you but he didn't.
Now you want your husband to leave you so you don't have to leave him.

This happened 6 years ago.
Why bring this up?
Suppose some other selfish person is in the similar situation and tells their spouse about the affair?

This Site should save marriages, not help destroy them.
---Nicole_Lacey on 8/2/15

Hello Kaye,

I'm in a similar boat. I understand what you are going through. I had made up my mind I wasn't going to tell him. Then I started reading my Bible and getting closer to God. I feel like the Holy Spirit told me to confess it to my husband a few months ago. However, I'm trying to think of the best way to tell him the truth. I've been asking God to prepare his heart, especially because I have no idea how he will respond and last year things became physical between he and I. So I'm scared to how he may react. I've been asking God to tell me how and when to tell him.

I would ask God to speak to me and listen to what he wants you to do.

---Marie on 8/1/15

hello Kaye,
it is a good thing you are concerned about your sin... others are not

i will advise that you pray for God's wisdom because everyone is unique...

you already know what your husband's reaction is likely to be..... you know if he is the kind who will be devastated and bear grudge for years or will weep and easily forgive

if you are led to tell him... find a way of preparing his mind..cont'd
---patie3447 on 9/25/09

hello Kaye....contd

go to someone else's blog about same issue and see how he reacts.... you could through conversation find out if he will like to know about such an occurence or not. contd

be sure to say you will like to know if he ever falls into such temptation and are ready to forgive.
for all you know, you may both have some confession to do to each other...but do not rush... guilt can block your ability to pray

all the best...praying for you and others
---patie3447 on 9/25/09

I believe that it is biblical to confess your adultery to your spouse. Scripture commands us to confess our sins to one another. It's easy to be unfaithful when secrets are kept from each other especially sexual sins.
---tagwanii on 9/22/09

You are obviously crying out and confessing your sin before many readers, however, we are not the ones to tell it is your husband. What do you think Jesus would want you to do? Keeping a major secret from your husband is selfish and unrighteous because you are lying and deceiving him. He is entitled to know because you broke the marriage contract (vows). You may need support from a clergy person/pastor. Yes, God forgives if we confess our sins (1 John 1:9). You have serious problems in your marriage that you are avoiding and will find no peace until you confront the adultery. And the truth is bound to come out, it always does. God loves you and is very concern about you. I recommend that you stay totally away from the other man. Best wishes!
---Marie on 9/22/09


My suggestion is to not confess the affair to your husband, but to God and to ask for forgiveness. Take your secret to the grave unless you simply want to cause more hurt, and possible destroy your marriage. It was a brief affair, but confessing to your husband would cause long term damage. The Lord has granted you repentance. Go and sin no more.

I hope you've learned from your mistake and will never repeat it.

May the Lord bless and keep you.

As for the rest of you, don't judge this woman unless you yourselves wish to be judged. I do not believe that any of us are immune from sin.
---trey on 8/24/09

I left what I thought below and have read the other comments. I also read something I wrote before in my own blog "I think the work that marriage takes needs the foundation of good communication." I'm definitely no expert and I've contradicted myself, sorry. My hubby told me a long time ago that if I had an affair he wouldn't want to know. If the shoe were on the other foot, after thinking long and hard about it, I think I would want to know if he had but I wouldn't leave him because of it if it were like yours, over, not happening again.

Are you OK?

I wish I could post a link on here for you. Hope this is OK, Google Blog Search for "Like a Warm Cup of Coffee." This isn't my blog, but I've found it helpful.
---Sweet-n-Simple on 8/24/09

Why not tell husband and let chips fall where they may? John's comment concerns me. Psychologhy teaches that the faithful spouse had to do or not do something that "caused" the adultery, but we choose to sin on our own and act on those lust. The blame game is a sure sign that true repentance has not taken place.Put yourself in your husband's shoes and see how it would feel if had an affair and is keeping it from you.
---Michael on 8/24/09

We are only human, but you must look inward to find out what prompted the affair. Also, would it do more harm than good to admit it to your husband? He must look at what his part was in your affair also. After 20 years you had to have a reason for doing so. The best part is that GOD forgives you, and knows your heart. I am not a counselor, but I know about pain and acceptance, and I am a firm believer that God does not make mistakes, and that everything in this universe happens by HIS design not ours. I wish you a happy marriage if that is what is in your heart.
---John on 8/20/09

In a marriage, I believe that a spouse in adultry must come clean with their spouse. The real reason cheating spouses don't tell their spouse is they fear they will want a divorce.Why not consider it before the decision was made to cross the line. When someone tells it on a public website, but not tell their spouse then something is wrong. It's not just the sexual act that's so betraying, but all the lying and sneaking around, emails , cell phone calls that accompany the adultry. False defenses like: If I tell him he will leave me or I don't want to hurt him (you've already hurt him) by telling him are smoke screens. The real reason is because they know that the other spouse has every right to a divorce once they become aware oof the adultry.
---Michael on 8/20/09

Relationships should be open and about communication. I think that you should tell him. I've only been married for about a year, but I apologize to my husband about lots of things. Like the other day I went to visit a friend I hadn't seen in two years who used to have a crush on me. I apologized to him for this, because I didn't know if the friend still had a crush or not. The friend wasn't at home, so I went back home. If I visited him it should've been with my husband or not at all, because we never know. My policy has usually been to *nip it in the bud.* If you tell your husband everything, you and him can see a chain of events before something big happens, and hopefully try to prevent it.
---amand6348 on 8/18/09

some people like to be blissfully ignorant of incompatibility complacency creeping into their marriage sad some prefer not to know so they can continue in LIE of a marriage for appearance sake that is broken within

self professing RELIGIOUS christianity prefers to 'confess to god' sweeping it under the rug truth they want their spouse in the DARK KNOWING their spouse has EVERY right to END the relationship once they are given the truth

by keeping spouse in the dark the cheating spouse selfishly gets to keep the marriage holding their spouse prisoner ...the LIE will always remain as will the guilt unless you communicate with your spouse about how and why YOU allowed this to occur
---Rhonda on 8/16/09

No, I don't believe you have to confess to your husband. I'm sure you've asked God's forgiveness. I've read before that telling a spouse about an affair is another selfish act - because you feel so bad and so guilty you want to get rid of those feelings and feel that telling him or her will help alleviate your pain. It might a little but you'll be sharing your pain with him and it doesn't sound like he deserves that. I know you're hurting deeply and I pray God will help you there. I think you've learned from your mistake and won't do it again. Try not to be so hard on yourself now, you've beaten yourself up enough. Everyone makes mistakes.
God Bless.
---Sweet-n-Simple on 8/16/09

Kaye, though we regret bad decisions the rest of our lives, there is no need to feel guilty. When we have confessed to those we have wronged, then the guilt can be gone and we move forward, recognizing that defeat has been turned into victory by the blood and grace of Jesus. Peter would always regret he had denied Christ, but as he realized that it was that denial that enabled him to see himself as he truly was--helpless, and to receive the grace and forgiveness of Jesus, he would recognize that it was that which truly saved him from eternal loss. And then he could rejoice in and praise God for such love that could save even the chief of sinners. Likewise you and your husband may realize that this may have saved you from disaster also.
---Wayne8738 on 8/13/09

If you decide to tell him, be understanding that it'll be hard for him to handle. My husband had an affair and I personally wish I never knew. Whatever decision you make, I'm sure it'll be a hard decision and I'll pray for you.
---Paula on 8/13/09

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I wish I could tell you what drove me to this. I have tried to understand my actions for over a month now. I will tell you this, I have a perfect husband, he loves me more than anything in this world, he is a wonderful father, and he gives me all the love and emotional support I need and desire.

As I said before, this was a friend, someone I have known for years. There has always been an attraction, but, I never thought I would act on it. I acted in a very selfish & impulsive way. I suppose I will live the rest of my life regretting it and feel guilty.

Now, can I ask you a question? Do you really believe your needs are irrelevant?
---Kaye on 8/13/09

Kaye...Would you please tell us why a man or woman who has been married so many years and who professes to be a Christian does something like this? I'm not trying to be cute. This is serious. What drove you to this?
---KarenD on 8/12/09

Make a firm appointed with you husband, a place that will be private in nature, (such as your home), but with no interuptions, take the phone off the hook) Tell him you have some very important information to share with him. Then, state a number of things that are positive concerning your marriage. (Do it without notes.) Than, tell him you had this brief affair. Be prepared for any fall-out from him. He may ask questions, such as why? (Don't try to justify your actions.) If he will allow it, give some more positive statements. Be contrite! You may want some maritial counseling. But, he has to be told, because if you don't he may hear of it from some other source, and/or he may already suspect it.
---wivv on 8/12/09

Amon, it was very hard coming here and confessing to strangers what I have done. You are right I acted in the flesh, I am dealing with my guilt daily. I am phycially sick, and that is what I deserve.
I am trying very hard to seek the face of the Lord, trying to pray and bury myself in the word. However, my guilt is so severe that I feel that my Savior does not want to hear from me.

In the Same Boat, thank you for your words of encouragement, I pray that you and your husband work through this difficult time.
---Kaye on 8/12/09

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I just want to say that I cannot believe how many posters post questions on committing adultery, having an affair, etc., Where is the fear of the Lord in their hearts? What about seeking God first and His Kingdom and Righteousness and abstaining from all fleshly lusts? Are all these Christians still being ruled by their carnal nature, their flesh? It sounds like it. "I had an affair," "I cheated on my husband," etc., etc., Come on people, we are entering the end times - get with the Christian Program- Read your bible, study the word, pray hard, fast, worship God, and maybe you won't be committing adultery as much. Sheesh!
---anon on 8/11/09

i would want to know the truth,what would hurt more than someone being unfaithful would be the decepion behind it,sometimes the truth has a way of finding you out,however all situations are differant as a man i would want to know the truth, i would seek the lord in prayer,and search your heart,i would think he has the right to know,there are alot of std,s,you would not want to take a chance of giving someone you love without there knowing of the other being unfaithful.. be blessed
---ken on 8/11/09

Kaye, I have also posted on here with the same question but different type of affair. I am praying several times a day and waiting for God's answer. I had decided to tell my husband but that can all change if it is God's will. I want to tell my husband because we are so close and I want a marriage built on complete trust and open communication about what 'led' me to look online. It pains me to have a secret between us about us, it makes me feel fake. My hope is that we can start renewed and come together as one to work through it. He has also stated before that he would want to know. We are also going to counseling. KEEP PRAYING!!!!
---in_same_boat on 8/11/09

Kaye...I have one question to clarify your question. Who did you confess to since your husband is the one you wronged?
---SusieB on 8/11/09

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You dont HAVE to do anything.
Would You want Him to tell you
if the situation was reversed?
---kevin on 8/10/09

I would not hide it. If he gets word about & he may get in a rage. Have some one present with you when you do tell him. Some one like your bro & his wife (if you do have)being there may prevent him going off the handle.
---Lawrence on 8/10/09

I think ones who are married can have an understanding with each other, about how to handle different things. If he knows you, he possibly could tell something was going on. And if things are better . . . this could be because he prayed for you. I don't know, of course. Each relationship is unique. I would think you can go by how you and he have an understanding of things and have agreed to handle problems. If he is a Jesus person, you can confess to him, as unto the Lord, and be forgiven like with Jesus > Ephesians 5:22-33 > James 5:16. Your coming here with this tells me I need to deal with things like this before getting married, so she and I have an understanding about how to handle different things.
---Bill_bila5659 on 8/10/09

I would advice some prayer and fasting.
---stephen on 8/10/09

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