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The Clean Joke Blog

Time for a CLEAN joke blog, No off color ones please.

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 ---Elder on 10/20/09
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A woman was holding a coin with her teeth, she was startled then happened to swallow the quarter. She calling her Dr & telling what happened, & what should I do? Dr says you need to watch & check her stool. In about a day she did & it came out 2 dimes & a nickle. She called her Dr, he says what?. So he ask her full name & d.o.b. Dr checks through his med-resource books etc. Later the Dr calls the lady back & says to her, looking into resources & your age etc, the only thing that I can say is that your just going through the change.

Did you here about the 2 well known clubs that were at aughts with each other. It was the optimist club & the pessimist club.
---Lawrence on 11/9/09

exzucuh, Good one. Humor and teaching in one. Indeed the life of Christ and his yoke is easy once the person finally makes the full decision, rather than vascilatting back and forth between sin and Christ. For people to be overcomers of the flesh and the old person of sin, they need to crucify thier old person, and until then the rope of death will always be around their waste holding them back from their new life that they need in Christ.
---Eloy on 11/9/09

Elder, that's funny.

~McDonalds is your kinda place,
put on a happy face,
french fries up your nose,
hamburgers between your toes.
~McDonalds is your kinda place...
---Eloy on 11/9/09

One man came upon another hanging from a tree with a rope around his waste. He asked the man
what he was doing? The man hanging said: I am killing myself! The other man said you have to put the rope around you neck to kill yourself.
Oh, I tried that said the hanging man, I can't breathe when I do that.

Taking up your cross is dying to your flesh not making up doctrines that make excuses why you are not doing it like Jesus said.

Matthew 10:38 And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.
---exzucuh on 11/9/09

A Clown, Priest, Police Officer, Elder, Eloy and Adetunji walked into a McDonalds restaurant.
The counter person said, "What? Is this some kinda joke?"
---Elder on 11/8/09

Adetunji, but on the contrary you indeed do dislike humor, else you would not be misjudging the light-heartedness of those sharing humor here on this blog. If you prefer nonfiction, then you are not in the appropriate blog, and again I suggest that you go to the nonfiction blogs and stop misjudging the bloggers in here for rightly sharing their humor, whether it be fiction (fantasy) of which much humor is fiction, or whether it be nonfiction (reality) of which less humor is nonfiction. Simply put, If jokes offend you, then kindly go to the nonjokes blogs, of which you may find many of my postings their to ponder deeply upon.
---Eloy on 11/8/09

Why are penquins so popular on the internet? Because it's the World Wide Web.
---Sissy on 11/7/09

Eloy, i do not hate humour but i like humour that emanates from true life scenes not the ones that are fictitious. The Bible taught us that God used to visit Adam & Eve, i do not think they play with fiction. God also visited Abraham, they did enjoy the time together with fiction. The Lord Jesus spent much time with the disciples, they did not play with fictitious jokes. I believe that on this website emphasis should be on whatever is Christ-based. God's power is reduced in the Church of this day because WE have introduced a lot of worldly things into it.
---Adetunji on 11/6/09

Grand-son asked gr-pa, what's ya doin gr-pa?
Gr-pa answers & said, I'm chnging the clicker-timer-settings etc on this toaster to hook it up to our bed. Gr-son says, why are you doing that gr-pa?, gr-pa says, gr-ma's been late getting out of bed in the morning. Gr-son asks gr-pa, so then hows it spose to work?, gr-pa says, at the precise time when the toaster clicks, gr-ma will pop out of bed in the morning.
---Lawrence on 11/5/09

Times are so tough that the United Auto Workers union is laying off 25 congressmen.
---ralph7477 on 10/31/09

Heard that one Ralph, but it was

Times are so tough the Health Care Insurance Industry is laying of all 40 senators.
---NurseRobert on 11/5/09

Alexander G. Bell aft he produced the first t-phone, recieved the first phone call & said, hello can you hear me now.

2 people standing on a street corner, one asked the other, what time do you have?, the reply was, it's the same time it was yesterday but 24 hr's later.

How many ignorant & unlearned politicians with Not so bright ideas does to take to change a light-bulb?, it didn't take you very long to figure that out did it?
---Lawrence on 11/5/09

Two hillbillies, neither one could tell the time.
One got a watch for his birthday,the other ,hoping to embarrass him, says "what time is it?'
1st one just puts his wrist out and shows him saying "that's the time"
2nd says " Oh it's that late huh?"
---1st_cliff on 11/4/09

There was a very wealthy man who was asked to give to the church.
He asked, "Did you know I have a widowed mother who has no other means of support but me and a sister who was left by a drunken husband with five children and no means of support plus a brother who is cripple and can never work another day to support his wife and family?" Embarrassingly, they responded, no sir, we did not know that either. "Well," he thundered triumphantly, "I've never given any of them a cent so why should I give anything to you?"
---Elder on 11/3/09

Adetunji, if you dislike humor, then I kindly suggest that you leave this blog for levity, and instead go visit the nonhumor blogs for nonhumor interaction.
---Eloy on 11/1/09

There is a man who is a Pastor of a very small Church. A Pastor of a Mega Church heard this Pastor was an excellent speaker, so the Mega Church Pastor invited the smal Church Pastor to be a guest speaker at a revival.

When the small Church Pastor got up to speak, he only had spoken three words when the Mega Church Pastor jumped up from his seat, demanded the sound system be turned off, and had security escort out of the Church the small Church Pastor.

The three words the small Church Pastor said were "OPEN YOUR BIBLES."
----Rob on 10/31/09

Times are so tough that the United Auto Workers union is laying off 25 congressmen.
---ralph7477 on 10/31/09

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Horse walks into a bar, bar keep says "Hey fella why the long face?"
---1st_cliff on 10/30/09

Its not everyone who can believe everything.

Rom 14:1 Him that is weak in the faith (receive ye,) but not to doubtful disputations.

Rom 14:15 But if thy brother be grieved with thy meat, now walkest thou not charitably. Destroy not him with thy meat, for whom Christ died.

Do you understand?

Rom 14:20 For meat destroy not the work of God. All things indeed are pure, but it is evil for that man who eateth with offence.
It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.
Hast thou faith? have it to thyself before God. Happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth.
---TheSeg on 10/30/09

I changed the names to protect the innocent.

Jane, I sense you're a new Christian and are involved in some sinful lifestyle.

You got me, Pastor Joe! I will make this my last blog, and fess up. I am eighty years old. I accepted Christ decades ago in a young people's revival in a town named Maud. My Daddy was a preacher. My "sinful lifestyle" is that I sometimes forget to take birdseed out to the back yard, and I worry that a government panel will decide when I die. You keep on setting people straight, and I will keep on loving God the best way I know how. Don't cry for me--who I am is who I want to be. I love my lot! Goodbye and God bless you.

---Rod4Him on 10/30/09

PS Elder if you don't want to answer here I understand and you can answer,please,at barba6758. God Bless
---Darlene_1 on 10/30/09

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Glenn- Hyperbole is a literary device that can be humerous...or not. I think Jesus used it to make a point, not to get a laugh.
---Donna66 on 10/30/09

Adetunji said, "Hello Glenn, i have checked Matt.15:26 & Luke6:41-42..... i consider it a metaphor to teach us not to judge/condemn others easily."
My thought is, this is a humor blog. If this bothers anyone so much, to use a liberal term, change channels.
This discussion started with Adetunji doing the very thing he says the verses teach not to do.
Adetunji, start a blog about not using humor and leave the rest of us alone unless you do see something vulgar.
I would not have suggested this blog if I didn't trust the majority of the bloggers to keep it clean. So, please don't you muddy the waters. Start your blog and we will come over there. Let people lay back and enjoy themselves in clean fun for a while.
---Elder on 10/30/09

Elder,I laugh at good clean jokes as much as anyone but I've always wondered how we Christians can justify telling jokes when the Bible says in Ephesians 5:4 Neither filthiness,nor foolish talking,nor jesting,which are not convenient:but rather the giving of thanks. This is in between verses 3 & 5 which warns against doing some of the worst things thus presenting verse 4 as if it is bad as the others. I did notice it says "which are not convenient",I must confess it comes very convenient for me to jest,it comes naturally to me and I laugh a lot at silly little things,after all the Bible even says a Merry Heart doeth good like a medicine. How can anyone reconcile one with the other. Sorry if I sprinkled sour dust over the fun.
---Darlene_1 on 10/30/09

Would you believe it,it's a miracle. A phone-call, God dealt with K. Copeland, P. White, Jakes, C. Dollar, J. Swaggart, B. Hinn, M. Murdock, F. Price, J. Meyer, M. Hicky, S. Munsen, P. Robertson etc. The phone calls came together into ONE at the other end where it was ringing, ring - ring,
hello, money missuse & fraud center, Dr. Phil here.
---Lawrence on 10/30/09

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A young lad wandered into the blacksmith's shop and looking around picked up a hot horseshoe,immediately dropping it.

"Aha, burned yourself huh?"Blacksmith said.
Not wanting to look embarrassed the lad said "Oh no,it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe"
---1st_cliff on 10/30/09

Hello Glenn, i have checked Matt.15:26 & Luke6:41-42. I beg to submit that i do not find anything funny, amusing & to laugh about in those vss. 1st one, the Lord used a metaphor to bring out the level of faith of that woman to teach us to exercise faith. 2nd one, i consider it a metaphor to teach us not to judge/condemn others easily.
---Adetunji on 10/30/09

Alan it was this blog that was being spoke of by Adetunji. The reference of Eph 5:4 was given. That is what I dealt with.
This blog was to be, I hoped, fun and joyful and not so serious.
Donna, in Eph 5:4 the word jest is from the Greek word "eutrapelia" pronounced "yoo-trap-el-ee'ah." It simply means, in this reference, to be ready at/with repartee and/or witticism in a vulgar way.
---Elder on 10/29/09

This is a true story.
When the family dog got old, feeble and crippled with arthritis, everyone agreed it would be the humane thing to put him down...everyone but the youngest child who wasn't told of the decision. He felt very close to the dog, who had been a "family member" from before he was born.

After the deed was done, the mother tried to break the news gently. "Buffy" is in dog heaven now, where he can play and chase squirrels without any pain", she explained.

The boy accepted this explanation, but after a moment he looked perplexed. "Mom, does that mean...uh...that...doggie heaven is squirrel hell?
---Donna66 on 10/29/09

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The young man says to Crystal's father, I love your daughter dearly & want her hand in marriage. Crystal's father said ok, but to give some things to look forward to. The wedding came & gone, a month or two went by,
the new hubby came to his f'n law & said, the guid-lines you gave, BUT, you didn't mention that love is blind & that marriage was an eye-opener.

Did Eve have yellow-golden hair? & if so. Her being in the garden of Eden, she talked to the serpent, do you think that was the First blond moment?
---Lawrence on 10/29/09

Anytime you see a young man open the car door for his girlfriend,
Either the car is new....or the girlfriend!
---1st_cliff on 10/28/09

Elder ... I agree with yuo in general.

But, you say "But, I have seen no account of anyone making fun of someone else"

On this blog, maybe.

Elsewhere, it happens, and far worse.
---alan8566_of_uk on 10/28/09

I looked up several definitions of the verb "to jest". None of them suggested humor that was vulgar. True, if there was vulgar humor submitted by someone, it would not be posted.
---Donna on 10/28/09

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Adetunji, The word "jesting" in your reference means, witticism in a vulgar sense. You have seen nothing vulgar posted. The CNN monitors would not allow it. If something did slip through then there are others bloggers and myself who would issue our displeasure.
It is good that you are concerned about others. But, I have seen no account of anyone making fun of someone else.
Being that you and I are created in the image of God I believe He has a sense of humor. My mirror proves it.
God Bless
---Elder on 10/28/09

What do you call a NameIt-Claim it, Word of Faith, Prosperity Gospel Preacher, who is wearing a wool suit?

---Rob on 10/28/09

If you read Proverbs, or verses such as Matthew 15:26 and Luke 6:41-42 you'll see that Jesus often used humour (hyperbole) even while speaking of serious matters.
A man dies and sees a gate a kilometer distant. And hears a voice 'stop you don't belong here' It's as if his feet are in concrete. An angel walks by, and the man says 'can you help me - I've done much for the Lord, ...paid for 10 pews in church, gave to every good work, helped every saturday to clean and maintain the church', mentioning every good thing that he's ever done, etc. The Angel says 'impressive - let me ask'. He then says 'o.k. take one step forward'.
---Glenn on 10/27/09

I saw something very unusual last Sunday.

It was so cold the pastor had his hand in his own pocket.
---Rod4Him on 10/27/09

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Adetunji, A life with no humor is a prescription for depression!
---1st_cliff on 10/27/09

Elder Dave was ministering, said the words,
Gloom & Dispair, I bellered out loud, Ooohhh.
Elder Dave asked, Larry is there something wrong?, I said no sir, I was just having an Hee-Haw moment.

1 Sun-morn Elder Bob was ministering said goin through some papers, said just'n-case, I said out loud, safe auto. Elder Bob said, no I was refering to assurance Not Insurance, then I said, aflac,like the duck.

In school, this class-mate sitting at the desk. The student putting the pencil-eraser in the ear. I leaned over & I said, Please dont do that, the student asked why. I said because if you put that in far you'l prob erase what you have left up-stairs.
---Lawrence on 10/27/09

One day a preacher was having lunch at a very upscale and fancy restuarant. The waiter said to the preacher "that is a very nice sweater you are wearing. What is it made out of"?

The preacher answered, it is made of fleece".

The waiter asked, where did you get it"?

The preacher answered, I received it along with everything I own from my church".

The waiter asked, I do you manage to get your church to buy everything for you"?

---Rob on 10/27/09

There once was a young pastor never been asked to serve a second year at any church.

He finally accepted a call from a small congregation in the mountains of Tennessee. There were no pave roads and five hour walk on a steep mountain trail to get to the community and the church. After his first year there he was overjoyed when they asked him to say for a second year. And he was feeling pretty good about his continuance.

One of the older member of the congregation took him aside saying "Up here in these mountains we area away from the hustle and bustle of the modern world and it's associated sins, and we really don't need much of a preacher to serve this congregation and you're the nearest thing to no preacher we have ever had.
---The_Friendly_Blogger on 10/27/09

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Dear Elder, do you remember that God/Jesus Christ/Holy Spirit has never joked before? If jokes comes up naturally from life scenes is better than to fabricate, concoct or manufacture jokes like most comedians do. Most of the jokes either ridicule or make caricature of an office, a profession, a gender etc & to me this may be what is referred to in Eph.5:4 as jesting that is not convenient. Not convenient because we are unhappy when we are the object that is deformed to make others laugh.
---Adetunji on 10/27/09

There was a pirate being interviewed by a reporter who said "How did you lose your leg Captain?"
"Well I fell overboard one day ,and a shark bit it off"Garr
"How did you happen to lose your forearm?"
"Well one day while fighting a sword took it off" Garrr!
"I notice you only have one eye,how come"?
"Well a seagull flew over one day and dropped one on me"
"And that caused you to lose an eye?"
"Well you see it was the 1st day after I got my hook"Rrrr.
---1st_cliff on 10/26/09

three psychiatric patients were believed to be cured but before their discharge were given a final test.

Test: a door was sketched on the wall with white chalk and each asked to open the door.

Patient one: tried fruitlessly for hours to push the sketched "door" open until he got exhaused and was sent back to join the inmates.

Patient two: had the same encounter

Patient three: "oh no, these fools don't know they cannot open that door"

Doctor:why can't they open it?

Patient three: " because the key to that door is tucked away in my pocket" he laughed.

the doctor re-admitted all three.
---patie3447 on 10/26/09

Talking about not being able to fill the order.

I wanted some guttering from the local DIY store.

They had some guttering there, but it was all broken

I asked them to order some, and they said they could not do that because the compter said they had enough in stock.

I said but it is all broken. Sorry they said, we can't order.

Three weeks later, the broken stuff was stil there and they still could not order anymore becasue of the computer.
---alan8566_of_uk on 10/26/09

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How about the poor sailor who wanted to be a Pirate but he couldn't afford a Parrot.
He got a cat instead and was called a Carrot.

Or about the school children who would not fight unless they were in a crosswalk.

True story... one day at McDonalds they had cheeseburgers on sale for 39 cents. Not liking the cheese I asked for one without cheese. The cashier said he couldn't fill the order because without the cheese it would be a hamburger. Although there was a key on the register for cheeseburgers I had to order the sandwich with the cheese on the side wrapped separate.
Ah.... Mickey Ds building future leaders.
(PS. No, I didn't stick the cheese on the window on my way out even though I wanted to.)
---Elder on 10/26/09

A man was robbing a house, he heard a bird say Swak, Acts 2:37. The man didn't pay any mine to it, he stole the tv, dvd player and other things. The next night he decided to rob the neighbors house. He pryed his way in, he still heard that bird, Acts 2:37. Again he chose to ignore it. He was about to make it outside until this little ole lady said, Stop right there in the name of Acts 2:37. The mugger stopped and the lady called the police. A Policeman asked why was he so afraid of a 83 year ole woman? The buggler said because she said she had an ax and 2 37's. Here's the saying....Here's your sign.
---Rebecca_D on 10/24/09

What do you call a person who really loves Jesus, but they also really love the world too?...Answer: no, not a, not a hypocrit...yep, you got it, they're aliens.
---Eloy on 10/24/09

Once there was a famous "NAME IT-CLAIM IT/PROSPERITY PREACHER" who had millions of dollars, many mansions, fancy cars, and fancy planes, yet he never had enough.

After one of his sermons, a young boy came up to the preacher and said "preacher, when you die you can't take what you have with you."

In a fit of rage the preacher responded to the young boy, "I'll be damned if I don't take everything with me when I die."

Well the preacher died, he did not take anything with him, and he was damned to hell.

I guess they both were right.
---Rob on 10/23/09

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During a conference break, three Pastors decided to take a walk around the lake. The newest asked the others 'what are you running'. The first says 'oh 250'. The second says 'about that'. The third says 'brothers, after two years were at 500+, its almost like apostolic times'. He then asks 'are you making it'? The first bishop says 'with this economy its difficult'. The second says 'were working on it'. The younger says 'man I taught 2 Corinthians 8 once, and now they give to everything'. 'Well how are your families doing'. The first minister says 'o.k., our youngest is still struggling in school'. The second says 'I understand, our kid doesnt know if he wants to go to Bible college, or not'.
---Glenn on 10/23/09

The younger tells them 'men, Miriam is only nine, and shes ranked in third place among home schoolers, Joe has memorized three books of the Bible, and is the youngest person ever admitted to our seminary'. 'My wife just received the denominations Proverbs 31:10-31 award'. They realize that the conference is about to restart, and the first pastor starts to walk across the lake saying 'one, two, three'. The second immediately follows mumbling 'left, right, left'. The young pastor thinks to himself surely if they can do it, I can too. He takes two steps, and sploosh falls into the muck. The first Preacher turns around and says he must not have seen the flier showing the stepping stones'.

---Glenn on 10/23/09

Three atheists were talking, and one says I don't believe in light - you can't hear, see, smell, taste, or touch it. The second says lights a particle, and you can see its effect. The third says I agree, but it's a wave. The first mumbles to himself creationists. How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but they prefer to be in the dark. Psalm 14:1 ( Romans 3:10-18) says ..."The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God"... A confused fool spends his time attempting to argue with a God he says doesn't exist, Romans 1:18-(20)-32.
---Glenn on 10/23/09

Benny Hinn, Frederick K.C. Price, and Mike Murdock were in prison for corruption and fraud. One day they saw T.D. Jakes and Kenneth Copeland.

Benny Hinn asked "what took you guys so long to come visit us?" T. D. Jakes relpied "we're not visiting."
---Rob on 10/23/09

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This is one of my favorite Strategic Air Command Stories. It is oriented to SAC Combat Crew Dogs and Operations Command Post types.

There was a Major who was the Emergency Action Officer in the SAC Underground Command Post. His position as Emergency Action Officer was to Format and Broadcast Emergency Action Messages over the Primary Alerting System and SAC airborne aircraft over HF & UHF Radio. Well he got religion as a born again Christian, got out of the Air Force and went to seminary on the GI Bill. Then came back in the Air Force as a Chaplain and was assigned to a SAC Base.

He was a good enough preacher but they could never get him to say Amen. He ended every Prayer with "Break Break Acknowledge Now."
---The_Friendly_Blogger on 10/22/09

I heard that a little differently.

There was a priest, a minister and a rabbi.
They found a bag of gold coins.

The priest said
Lets make a circle on the ground.
Throw the money up.
And whatever falls inside the circle, we give to God!
Whatever falls out, we keep!

The minister said
Good idea! But whatever falls inside the circle, we keep!
Whatever falls out, we give to God!

The rabbi said
(Jewish accent!)
We throw the money up!
And whatever God wants, he'll take!
---TheSeg on 10/22/09

We have three means of mass communication in our town.
#1 Telephone
#2 Television
#3 Tell Norma!
---1st_cliff on 10/22/09

Ladies, Gentlemen this does Not pertain to all just some. The ole cleshey that Confucious say, you dont have to be married on April 1st to be fooled.

A couple passing by an BIG cemetery, she says hon, you have any idea how many you think is dead in there?, he says honey, all of them.

Man, woman it works both ways. Dearest I'm going to walk around the block, be gone for just a few minutes, okay hon. 1-2 hours pass by & the other spouse got to worrying, started to call neighbors, the spouse walks in & the other spouse ask's, where have you been going for a walk around the block, Oh, I had to stop & ask for directions.

In Tenn or Ky, is there an City or a Town with the name, Hillsidewalkersville?
---Lawrence on 10/22/09

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Four pastors are on a lake fishing and they are not getting much activity on their lines so they begin discussing their personal weaknesses.

The first one says he enjoys having a nip of hard cider every now and then.

The second says he occasionally likes to bet on NBA basketball games.

The third says he really enjoys the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition each year.

The fourth says I am just the worst gossip and I can hardly wait to get back to town.
---The_Friendly_Blogger on 10/22/09

Last night I dreamed I was a salad.

I tossed all night.
---Linda on 10/22/09

Do you know how to tell a Jehovah Witness who has turned Atheist? They knock on your door for no reason.

It was not an apple that caused the problem in the garden of Eden. It was the pair on the ground.

The guy on the corner was crying about his finances during these tough times. He was very upset. A preacher asked what was wrong. The guy said, I dont know what I am going to do, the bank Ive been robbing is closing up.
---Elder on 10/22/09

Atheist posted, and made me laugh at this one.

Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
---atheist on 10/21/09

PS. We all know fundamentalist ain't afraid of the dark.

To Atheist isn't it great how much fun we can have with the Lord? He designed us to laugh and have joy.
---Elder on 10/22/09

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Do you know why there's no light bulbs in the Bible? The answer's in John 8:12 Then Jesus spake again unto them,saying,I am the Light of the World,he that follows me shall not walk in darkness,but shall have the light of life. Thats a light that doesn't have to be changed because he never burns out.
---Darlene_1 on 10/21/09

I crossed a bumble bee with a doorbell and got a real "humdinger"
---1st_cliff on 10/21/09

Patron "Hey waiter, there's a fly in my soup"!
Waiter, "Well, how much can a fly eat?"
Patron "What's a fly doin' in my soup?"
Waiter, " Maybe the back stroke?"
Patron "I don't like the looks of this fish"
Waiter, "In that case, maybe I should cook you a goldfish?"
Waiter, "How did you find your steak sir?"
Patron "I just moved a couple of french fries and there it was!"
---1st_cliff on 10/21/09

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Remember: 'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)
---Steveng on 10/21/09

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Reagan told this joke, I really miss that guy...

Back in the old Soviet Union, where the Government controlled everything,(ahem) automobile ownership was very rare for the common citizen. If a person wanted a car he would have to order it, then wait a year before it came in and he needed to pay the entire cost up front.

So one particular fellow saved up his money and went down to the car dealer to order his car. After giving the salesman all his money, the salesman told him to come back in one year to pick up the car. The man asked, "Morning or afternoon?" The salesman replied, "What difference does it make?" The man answered, "Well, the plumber is coming in the morning."
---ralph7477 on 10/21/09

Three father bragging about there sons.

First one says
My son is a priest, when he walks in a room. Everyone says monsignor.

The second says
Oh yea, well my son is a Bishop. When he walks in a room everyone stand and says your majesty.

The third father didnt know what to say.
For his son was just a lazy fat 550 pound good for nothing.

Just when it came to him and he says.
Well, when my son walks in a room everyone says "OH MY GOD"
---TheSeg on 10/21/09

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.
---Linda on 10/21/09

The Pope has to leave on an emergency to catch a flight. He only has time to get a taxi.

His Taxi driver gets stuck in traffic and the Pope is anxious he won't get to the airport in time, and says to the Taxi driver, "let me drive and you get in the back".

So now the Pope starts driving and begins speeding down the sidewalk and gets pulled over. The police, seeing who it is from a distance, calls the Chief not knowing what to do.

"Chief, what do we do, there is a VIP we don't know if we should ticket"? The Chief asks, "a VIP? Who? Clinton? No! Obama? No! Well then WHO?"

Policeman answers, "well, we're not sure..all we know is the Pope is driving Him!"
---kathr4453 on 10/21/09

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Aviate, Navigate, Communicate.
A pilot is having problems with his aircraft, and finally the engine cuts out. He says sorry about that, grabs a chute, and bails out. One of the three passengers says there are two parachutes left, and listen I'm a pastor of a 5,000 member church and if I die my city will be stricken with grief, and it will probably affect the nation, and he jumps out. The second man says brother have faith, but I took jump training in the army, and this chute won't hold us both. The other speaks and says God will provide, that guy grabbed my backpack. Leviticus 19:18, Matthew 19:19, 22:39, Mark 12:31, Romans 13:9.
---Glenn on 10/21/09

Three Pastors were talking and one says 'brothers you know how my deacons have a saying - you keep us humble, and well keep you poor, well, I've been taking an extra twenty out of the offering plate'. The second says 'to be honest, I haven't done anything, but my congregation is full of college girls'. The first Preacher says 'its good to be accountable, but just get married', 1Corinthians 7:2, 9. Then he says to the third minister who had not said anything, 'you don't have any problems'? The third minister then says 'just one major, gossip - and I can't wait to get back to church'.
---Glenn on 10/21/09

Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
---atheist on 10/21/09

Three pastors were meeting in a restaurant. One of them says 'remember in Bible college, when they taught us if we didn't know what to do with the offering that we were to throw it into a three meter circle and everything that falls into the circle is Gods'. The second Minister says 'Oh I do that, but everything that falls out of the circle is Gods'. The third says 'me too, but when I toss it up, everything he wants he grabs'.
---Glenn on 10/21/09

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Hey Cliff, I got problem too. I went to the doctor and he told me he had good and bad news for me. I asked for the bad news first.
He said I have Alzheimer's. He told me the good news was that I'd soon forget that I have it.
---Elder on 10/21/09

A minister was talking to an widow Lady & was still some what in her real mind. The minister ask's, have you ever thought & wondered about the here after?, The widowed Lady replies, oh yes sure all the time. She says, no matter if I'm in living-room, closet, basement, back-porch, humm - think, what am I here after?

If you go to Ray's barber-shop, & while he's cutting your hair, just dont start telling jokes & getting Ray to start laughing real hard, you'd really walk out of his shop being a real cut-up.(butchered hair cut)
---Lawrence on 10/21/09

I just found out I have CDO (that's OCD in alphabetical order)
---1st_cliff on 10/20/09

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