My Resentful Mother
I am experiencing a hurtful relationship with my mother as she hurls insults at me out of resentment towards me for being loyal to my father who died 2 years ago. How do I let her go? Should I just walk out of her life? I forgive her, but I can't stick around for more hurtful attacks, any suggestions?
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---Donna on 1/11/10
Helpful Blog Vote (12)
My heart aches for you. We have one father and one mother and we should love them both no matter if they do not like each other. Just tell her that you will leave if she starts her hurtful comments. If she starts, get up, tell her you love her then leave.
---shira3877 on 2/27/11|
My dad died 20 years ago. When my mother remarried, she and everyone I knew (relatives, friends, EVERY person I ever came into contact with) wanted me to call her husband "father" or "dad" (EVERYONE said I was VERY wrong).
My dad EARNED the title with love, sweat, and tears. I will never allow anyone to have that title.
FATHER GOD also has my heart forever and ever (the principle of steadfast/loyal love is the same).
It is the JOB principle. The book of Job is not a story about "faith", it is a LOVE story (it's about a "more excellent" devotion, "the GREATEST of these",...a "faith for faith").
Song of Solomon 3:2
"whom my SOUL loves".
---more_excellent_way on 2/27/11|
Your mother is the one who is being disloyal. She is selling out your dad and also YOU, his child (AND THEN, she is tormenting you expecting YOU to accept the blame for what she is doing).
She needs to understand what she is doing to you and how WRONG it is or this will burn her conscience forever (also destroying your relationship with her).
Do not be weak (God did not give us a spirit of timidity).
Be strong and save her from herself and a life long pity party (otherwise she will always blame you for what she doesn't like about herself and what she does).
Don't abandon her in her time of need.
---more_excellent_way on 2/27/11|
sori that u r fighting with your mother. the important thing to know is that every mother loves their children very much. it is also important to know that everybody is growing, including your mom. many things make people bitter. when people are hurting they get it out on those close to them, those who love and stick around them. they do this without understanding. please try to understand what hurts your mom so much. you are not the cause of what she is doing to you. show her love and she will stop being jealous of your late dad. dont discus your late dad with her. This is a ministry God is giving yo. your reward will come
---delfina on 2/25/11|
I just read this blog. I know it is a year old, but our situation is identical. My mother is 83, and she is Avery bitter of my father. I am the only one of her four children who has a relationship with my father and she hates that. She has been divorced for 35 years from him and never could move on. I have told her so
many times I don't what to hear what went on in her marriage. She never respects my boundaries I am to the point to where I want to cut her out of my life so I don't have anymore stress. I am getting comfortable with that. I just need to make sure that when she dies, I am okay with my decision not to have her in my life. She brings me no happiness...appreciate any insight.
---Lis on 12/19/10|
I think your mother and mine is related. I like Darlene 1 answer.
Mine was mental abuse and I took it for 18 years, when I moved to a different state, and it affected my self-esteem. I went to a Christian Counselor and he turned me around.
My grandfather spoiled her and after she grew up she expected the same thing from everyone else. She was jealous of my father and my relationship, which did not help. When my father passed away 30 years ago I was devestated and I still am. I finally stood up to my mother, in what I considered a Christian way, and, naturally she didn't like it.I found out, after she passed away that she respected me for standing up to her. She even turned her own brother and sisters away from her.
---Norma on 1/18/10|
When people hurt me, I avoid them for two years (if I am able to do so, depending on the situation) and I don't mean just little things, I mean something big. To me, your situation would be something big, because she keeps doing it. Then, if I feel I can try again, I come back, and see how it works out.
---amand6348 on 1/17/10|
Donna....Actually, I have seen people (men and women) grieve in a nasty way. There is a very thin line between love and hate.
---KarenD on 1/16/10|
Donna you're welcome. Thank you. My heart goes out to anyone who has family problems. It is such a hard thing to love someone and yet hate the things they do. Just be strong in the Lord. Your weapons are prayers,faith,and Gods love,all your Mother has are bitterness,hatefulness,rage,and raving. I may have already said this but the Bible does say Proverbs 22:24,25 Make no friendship with an angry man: And with a furious man you shall not go:Lest you learn his ways,and get a snare to your soul. I know the Law of love binds us to honor our parents but perhaps you will have to study and get creative how you can honor your Mom without putting up with her bad attitude. God knows the danger in that situation and sees your heart. God Bless,I'm praying.
---Darlene_1 on 1/15/10|
\\Am I supposed to stick around and just keep letting her abuse me verbally? \\
OK. Somehow, I got the impression your mother was meanmouthing your father (or his memory) not you.
Tell her that if she starts her attacks, you will leave. Maybe remind her if she starts in.
And if she continues, kiss her, and take your polite leave.
You have no control over your mother's actions. All you can do is control your own.
There is a difference between bearing abuse and allowing yourself to be abused.
BTW--all this I've said is nothing different from what most have suggested here.
---Cluny on 1/15/10|
sorry to hear this. I too had this same problem with my mother. Yet for other reasons. I do strongly beleive in honor thy mother and father. Best way to deal with this is pray and see your mother on your time. The days of disagreements. You need to walk away. Hope this help some.
---Doreen on 1/14/10|
Thanks Darlene, very well said.
She'll tell everyone Donna stopped talking to me and she'll say she has no idea why. Do you know what self-righteouness is? Well she has it.
Thank you again for your great advice, I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
---Donna on 1/14/10|
Donna, when your mother starts in on you tell her to hush,you won't stay if thats what she's going to do. Tell her Mother I love you and would like to visit but you will decide whether I do or don't because if you can't hold your attacks on me I won't stay around for you to do it. You serve no useful purpose to stay if she meanmouthes you. You just allow her to be evil so don't enable her by listenting. Some will think this is harsh but some people only understand when you are plain spoken to them. Not mean,not disrespectful but firm.
---Darlene_1 on 1/14/10|
You know what Cluny? If you've heard the prayers I've cried out for mercy for my mother, and the tears I've shed for her, and the way I keep silent and don't snap back at her, don't say a word to her, I just let her moan and complain and hurl false accustations at me....did Jesus stick around when the Pharisees told him he had a demon?
Am I supposed to stick around and just keep letting her abuse me verbally? I swear I have changed TREMENDOUSLY - I found out Silence is Golden, but it doesn't stop her from hurling hurtful accusations at me and yelling at me, etc., I don't think Jesus would hang out with people who did this to him everyday, would he?
---Donna on 1/14/10|
\\When I change me, I sometimes have to distance myself from Mom in order to protect myself.\\
Good point, Trish.
Without going into details, I was in an abusive situtation, myself. For a long time I prayed, "God, either change the situation or change me."
Like you, I had to up and leave the situation.
---Cluny on 1/14/10|
\\...including (and yes I'm going to be funny here), including demon activity in a person ......and where is that in scripure?\\
No one ever said the Serenity Prayer was in Scripture. Ken's Doxology (Praise God from Whom all blessings flow...) is not in scripture, either. I think it was originally composed by Bonhoeffer, though 12 Step groups have popularized it.
I would not presume to label WHY your mother is acting the way she is. Only God knows her heart and motiviations--whether demonic or by moral choice.
Someone paraphrased it to read, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know it's me."
---Cluny on 1/13/10|
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Trish, I like that ALOT...thanks for sharing that...it's great.
I have found that when I pray in the Spirit for a couple of hours, there's an invisible shield around me and her accusations don't effect me hardly at all.
It's when I'm not prayed up, she is able to hurt me.
I really have changed so much, she sees that in me, but doesn't acknowledge that. Sometimes I think she and my sister are waiting for God to pull the rug out from under me because I've never had financial worries like they do, I don't point out people's sins all the time like they do and I'm not like them at all.
I have prayed and prayed for her, now it's time for me to pray for me. Thanks for the input, I appreciate it.
---Donna on 1/12/10|
Donna: The first verse of the Serenity Prayer goes like this.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
My version for Mom is
God, grant me the serenity to accept Mom, the courage to change me, and the wisdom to know the difference.
When I change me, I sometimes have to distance myself from Mom in order to protect myself.
---Trish9863 on 1/12/10|
Cluny, you know how much I admire you because you are one who really studies the word and I LOVE your responses.
How does the serenity prayer go again?
God grant me the serentiy to accept the things I cannot change, including (and yes I'm going to be funny here), including demon activity in a person who refuses to forgive people who have hurt them. I know Lord I have authority over these demons, but I am tired of binding them up and being hurled and yelled at for forgiving others that my mother doesn't want me to forgive.
Is that how the serenity prayer goes? and where is that in scripure?
---Donna on 1/12/10|
\\So how can she receive anything with a root of bitterness rooted deep inside of her?
---Donna on 1/12/10\\
God and your mother are going to have to deal with that issue.
Remember the serenity prayer.
---Cluny on 1/12/10|
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Thank you for your advice. KarenD, if someone is grieving for someone, they wouldn't go around calling them a liar, an adulterer, and bashing a dead person, would they?
Josef, I've done all of that, everything, loving her, having compassion for her, telling her how much I love her, etc., but because she has a root of bitterness so deep inside of her, it won't allow her to receive love or even believe the truth. Her prayers to God are, why did you do this to me? What more do you want from me Lord, you gave me this sickness, now I have a kidney stone, and now my shoulder is in pain and that's all bitterness speaking, not true heartfelt prayers to God. So how can she receive anything with a root of bitterness rooted deep inside of her?
---Donna on 1/12/10|
\\ Donna, hurting people, hurt people. Let her know you love her as much as you loved your dad. \\
Josef has a good point, Donna.
However, you also do not have to let your mother upset you. As as been suggested, let her know gently but firmly that you will not tolerate her trashing your father. If she continues after one warning, kiss her good bye, and politely take your leave, or terminte the phone conversation.
In a day or two, call her up and talk, or visit. If she repeats her unwanted behavior, do the same thing.
She'll get the point.
---Cluny on 1/12/10|
When my mother remarried, she wanted me to call her new husband "father"/"dad", but I was straigtforward with her (and EVERYONE) and said "No one except my birth dad deserves and has earned that name/title and no one will ever get the honor of receiving that name/title".
I am also pig headed and stubborn about my loyalty to my heavenly father and will not allow any kingdoms/gods/strongholds/desires before Him.
God sees how steadfast we are to what is in our heart (all of life is a "test"/trial).
Nobody else can understand the loyalty in your heart unless they have gone through the same (few have the ability and strength of heart to understand AND DO/accomplish/endure what you have).
---more_excellent_way on 1/11/10|
Donna, hurting people, hurt people. Let her know you love her as much as you loved your dad. Tell her how important she is to you, express your desire to have a loving relationship with her. Ask her what you can do to establish a permanent reconciliation between the two of you, be sincere, be open, be compassionate.
Most importantly, be merciful and loving, knowing that your Father 'is' love, always merciful, and that you are empowered of His Spirit to reflect HIm. "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from 'you'." Be kind, understanding and forgiving. Avoid arguments and disputes, simply let her have her way, no harm, no foul. Offense can not be forced, it can only be taken.
---Josef on 1/12/10|
Donna...Perhaps your mother is still grieving for your father. Even if they were not married at the time of his death, she may still be grieving.
---KarenD on 1/11/10|
I've been in a similar situation. My parents split when I was 11, and Mom did all she could to poison my mind against Dad. She durn near succeeded. By the grace of God, through mutual faith in Christ, we were reconciled.
It's easy to play armchair psychologist and suggest that as your mother sees her own health declining and losing control over her own life, she's trying to control you.
I agree with Trish. You are both adults, and you don't have to let her control you.
---Cluny on 1/11/10|
The boundary setting is not to change her behavior. She may never stop bashing your father. And, yes, she may die while you and she are estranged. I have had those same concerns about my mother, who is 83.
One thing I have said to my mother, who loved to trashtalk my dad, who has been dead for 33 years, is "He was still my father, and he has been dead for X years. Let him rest in peace. I won't listen to you trash talk Dad. If it continues, I will leave, and I won't come back." Regardless of her feelings, you are still allowed to have loved your father. If she cannot accept that, she needs to grow up. I have done so much as to tell my mother that very thing.
---Trish9863 on 1/11/10|
Trish, thanks I may buy that book. I've set boundaries with her and when she crossed them, I stopped bothering with her. We just reconciled in September when I was in the Hospital. I hadn't spoken to her for over a year because she wouldn't stop bashing my dead father (whom she divorced in the early 1990's and hates him still to this day....) but like my neighbor says, she resents me for forgiving him because she hasn't. I can take the attacks when she spazzes out on me, but she's getting more viscous as the weeks go by and to separate myself from her this time...what if she dies? She's 78 and has alot of physical ailments. Yesterday I cried my heart out and it really hurts, but she doesn't listen to setting boundaries, so what's next?
---Donna on 1/11/10|
I am sorry your Mom is so hurtful. I have some understanding of that, as my mother can be mean and hurtful at times.
Set a boundary of what you will not tolerate. If she crosses the line, tell her you will not tolerate that, and if she continues, leave.
The book Boundaries can help you. It is by Cloud and Townsend.
---Trish9863 on 1/11/10|