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Step Father To Spank Kids

My new family incudes 2 stepkids, 5 ad 8 yo girls. I never spanked and its unfair for my wife to expect me to spank them (wait till your father gets home). They never had a father until me and my wife has spanked them on occasion for bad behavior bare butt. What do I do? How does one begin?

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 ---Bill on 1/21/10
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I am a stepfather and in the material I've read it's pretty consistent the biological parent should handle the disciplinary duties especially if it's corporal punishment. Suggest communicating you're reservations with your wife if you haven't already done. Also as a couple look at other ways to discipline your daughters outside of physical punishment.
---Gerardo_Campbell on 11/12/11

Never strike children. Think about what Christ would do (and these are children, not money-changers).
---Jahnke on 3/3/11

If you don't feel comfortable spanking them, you should't have to..And what if, your marriage don't last..would she use that against you later?? Hey, you never know.
---a_friend on 7/20/10

Do what you feel is right.
---Tammy on 7/19/10

Was her last husband deceased?
---Carla on 3/27/10

A few years ago my wife returned home to find me paddling my then eleven year old son. Both him and his stepbrother had been caught stealing. She didn't interver however when I told my stepson to get over the table she told me that she would spank her own son. I was so angry. She permits the school and church Pastor to paddle them so why not me? She says it was her duty. After a long debate she agreed that I could paddle him.
---David_anstey on 3/26/10

How is the husband-wife relationship? This sets the tone for whether or not the step-dad should and would feel comfortable spanking the kids. If the step-dad and mom are at war and are not getting along then this spanking thing is going to be a disaster. These blended families are tricky and pose many problems. If the problems are not handled correctly.,look out! Murder,anger,fights and every evil you can think of, will enter the relationship(s). Tough to deal with. Lots of love and prayer,knowledge and understanding will be needed. Patience will be very important,too.
---Robyn on 3/8/10

Practice only to not leave a Mark but leave an impression
---TIMOTHY on 2/15/10

As a "stepdad" you should concentrate on getting to know your wife's kids and gaining their trust. Most children see their parent's new spouse as something of an interloper, though they may never say it in so many words, and may appear affectionate.

My opinion is that your wife is probably glad to have someone with whom she can share the child discipline. But they are USED to HER discipline. It is difficult to be sure how they may interpret discipline from YOU.

Even if you disagree with her, back up your wife to the extent that you present a unified front. Tread carefully with the children for some time to come.The family will be happier for it. (Eventually you can take a more active role).
---Donna66 on 1/30/10

Hi Manuela, you are a refreshment on this blog, you sound like EXCELLENT parents! :) Keep up the good work, sister :)
---Mary on 1/30/10

I am remarried to a wonderful Christian man. I brought 2 children into the marriage, back then 3 and 6 years old. My new husband took over the role as a father, even though the kids had regular visitation with their biological father. We followed God's word, and we both spank our children for disobidience. But we do it in a loving way, we never spank in anger, we always explain to them why, we don't beat them, just 2 or 3 swats on their behind, after that we love them, when they are ready to hug us, we know their spirit is not closed and they are not angry. We also never spank in front of others and not on their bare behinds. My children love their stepdad and respect him for being the authority in our home.
---Manuela on 1/29/10

These little girls do not need for you to spank them at all. Your wife needs re-education. They need a positive bonding experience with you not physical pain. There are so many other more effective ways to correct a child. If you begin to spank them, it will do them harm. Please discuss this with your wife and find other ways to achieve the behaviors she is looking for. You may want to seek professional help regarding parenting. May God bless your family.
---jody on 1/28/10

As proverbs 13:24 teaches he who spares the rod spoils the child. I believe the bible teaches us t chastise our children to teach them the proper way to live.
---Wayne on 1/27/10

ashle7439: "As one of the other posters stated it could come back to haunt you with dire consequences."

Not if you have God on your side. Anytime a new father steps in, the father is head of the household. That's the way God planned how the family should be structured, 1 Tim. 3:4. The relationship between the husband and the wife is the same as between Christ and the church, Eph. 5:23, Husbands must love their wives as Christ loved the church, Eph. 5:25-33, Col. 3:19, 1 Peter 3:7. When trouble does arise, take care of it immediately, Matt. 5:23-24. A house divided against each other cannot stand, Matt. 12:25

And remember: the family who prays together, stays together.
---Steveng on 1/26/10

Consider the overall trend: since World War II, Dr. Spock and others have taught parents not to spank their children for one reason or another. As children have been being spanked less and less, the children over the past several decades have become unruly, disrespectful, defiant, ill-mannered, and disobedient toward their parents, teachers, and leaders. If these children can't obey their elders, how do you expect them to obey God?
---Steveng on 1/25/10

I would not spank her children.
As one of the other posters stated it could come back to haunt you with dire consequences.
It could be that your wife wants to make you feel a part of the family by allowing you to chastise the girls.
The two of you need to find out what the children really like and use it as leverage.
Let them know why you are punishing them and be consistent.
Above all bring God into the equation. Like the saying goes "the family that prays together, stays together".
---ashle7439 on 1/25/10

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I'm sure you have heard and read the verse, "spare the rod, spoil the child." This still holds true even today. The rod is not a two inch piece of wood, but a switch - a slender flexible whip or twig.

Parents of old used a switch - interpreted as a rod in the bible - to discipline a child. I'm sure you have had many cuts in your lifetime, but the worse of cuts is a paper cut. A thin switch stings the same way especially on a young child - and you don't need to even do it hard.
---Steveng on 1/25/10

Teaching a child begins at conception. Everything a mother-to-be thinks, eats, feels, see, touches, smells, hears and says the infant in the woman's womb will pick up. Jesus kicked in Mary's womb when she heard Elizabeth's voice.

What should a child learn? God's laws for starters. Then the parents get together to set boundries for the children and the type of punishments used and relay that to the children. Do what God told his people - rewards when good, punishments when bad. These rules and laws and the sotries of the bible must be taught to the children every day - morning, noon, and night. And be consistant in your training. If you are not consistant, you'll find that they can use that against you.
---Steveng on 1/25/10

God requires parents to train their children in a God-centered way, Deut. 6:6-7. The father is primarily responsible for child training in the fear of the Lord, Eph. 6:4. If they do not respect the father, how do you expect them to obey God? Do not embitter, be unfair, or abuse them, Col. 3:21. There was a time when children said, "Yes, sir (ma'am)," and "No, sir (ma'am)." The father must manage his family well and see that his children obey and respect him, 1 Tim 3:4. Love requires faithful discipline, Prov. 13:24, Prov. 22:15, Prov. 23:13-14, Prov. 29:15, Prov. 29:17. The Lord condemned Eli for being an indulgent parent. Train up the child in the way he or she should go, Prov. 22:6.

Meditate on this: Psalms 1-3
---Steveng on 1/25/10

There are only about 21 states in the US that still allow corporal punishment. and most of those are in the south and south west. Even with a a justification statute as a defence you are likely going to be charged with child abuse and have the state take your children from you for a long period of tome.

It is now more dangerous to the parent then the child, you have to find an alternative mode of discipline for children.
---Friendly_Blogger on 1/25/10

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All of the godly people throughout scripture had gone through some sort of affliction, discipline, chastisement, and trials. No discipline is pleasant, Heb 12:11. God discipline and tried his people, Deut 8:2-5. Jesus declared that he rebukes and disciplins those whomhe loves, Rev 3:19-20. God will never give you more than you can bear, 1 Cor 10:13. We can rejoice in our suffering, which produces perseverance, Rom 5:3. God blesses those who persever under trials, James 1:12.
---Steveng on 1/24/10

Spanking,Hitting or whatever is a form of abuse People forget Kids are people too,and when a child does wrong DON"T yell at them in anger go cool off for a few minutes and then tell them what they did wrong

I've seen some poor kids abused that way ,and I will be the first to tell anyone I will turn you in to CPS.......because these poor kids can't defend themselves,I heard a man once tell people he smacks his kids untill I saw with my own eyes what he called made me sick and I turned him in
---Gabby on 1/24/10

Bill you have received excellent advice on this forum. I hope that you have heard, and understood it. An adult's willingness to establish boundaries, with predetermined, discussed and understood consequences, and to say what you mean, mean what you say, and to do what you say, without variance, is all the discipline children need observe.
All of this is of course is simply my opinion, to be received or dismissed.
Most importantly, for all parents, never tell your children you are going to do something unless you are sure you can do it. Once you have said, whatever, to your child, give that precedence over all else. Otherwise your words become meaningless in the eyes of your child.
---josef on 1/24/10

I am glad that you are reluctant to do this and are trying not to. I don't think that you should spank them.

If you don't want to, tell her that you don't want to, and don't let her use any manipulation tactics on you to try to get you to, like "Oh can't you be a REAL man?"

Karen also has a point.
---amand6348 on 1/23/10

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Bill...Do not spank those girls. If you do, the day will come when your new wife will use that against you. You wouldn't be the first man accused of things when the wife gets mad.
---KarenD on 1/22/10

Please tell your wife thta spanking is a form of abuse, it's not disciplining them, it's abusing them.

Watch the show, "Supernanny." She gives wonderful techniques to get kids to behave. The kids she deals with have strong wills, and yet she always manages to build techniques into the routine and they always work.

I wouldn't spank your step-kids if I were you, it's a form of abuse, not discipline. Tell your wife to do it since they are her kids. Waiting till your father gets home is going on deaf ears, how can you punish a child six hours later, won't they forget what they even did?
---Donna on 1/22/10

I think that there is a good reason why Bill "does not spank" his stepkids:

"Spanking" someone else's kids could be seen as child abuse. Some people will read this and disagree. However, unless you are the NATURAL/BIOLOGICAL parent, "spanking" a kid is risky.

The Bible does say that PARENTS should discipline their children. Today, many parents are either reluctant, or afraid, to displine their own kids. Even parents are concerned about "spanking" being seen as child abuse.

I believe that Bill's wife should be the one to discipline HER children. She shouldn't expect Bill to "do something" that the USA legal system might not approve of.
---Augie on 1/22/10

I would say you need to first make sure the girls have gotten into love relating with you, in which they consider you to be their father who they know fully loves them. And once this love relating is established, you all can communicate together about what discipline methods are suitable. I would say if you are busy with attending to them and sharing with them, to help them learn how to live, this will have you rather busy with positive things, so it will be kind of hard for them to get into negative and nasty and rebellious stuff. But if you leave them to their own devices, to be babysat by TV and video games and peer influence, these do not teach them how to love.
---Bill_bila5659 on 1/22/10

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Why is it you "don't spank?" The Bible teaches corporeal punishment for wrong, and that you as head of the house should be the one responsible for the proper training of children in your home. This doesn't mean that you "just go in swinging" but that you make certain that the children have been taught right/wrong first and discipline as needed. "Bare-bottomed" is absolutely out of the question, particularly in your role as "step-father" unless you want to end up in prison, which is what would likely happen. Find a good mentor to help you understand your role in your home.
---tommy7376 on 1/22/10

Hi, Bill . . . I hope you participate with us in this discussion and tell us more about yourself, please. Are you and your wife into how the Bible says you are her "head" (in Ephesians 5:22-33)? I would say you two need to do only what both of you are in agreement to do, in any case, "submitting to one another in the fear of God," (Ephesians 5:21) so your children have your example so they can learn how to love. And first be their example > "nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3) Make sure they are seeing what is right, in how you two relate with them, so it can be easy for them to see their rebellious and sibling rivalry stuff is not how you love.
---Bill_bila5659 on 1/21/10

Let her keep doing the spanking, you should not have to spank her children for her. She should be glad that you are not the type to do that..a lot of step parents think they have every right to take control of step kids..Let her know that if she wants you to take any kind of action, that you would rather get them where it really hurts..time out ot ground them from something they really like doing. Altho I am for spanking when needed, I would not leave it up to someone else to do that.
---a_friend on 1/21/10

You don't begin,be a man and stand up to your wife. Tell her you don't spank and don't intend to start especially bare bottom,thats demeaning,not correcting. What theses little girls need is a kind ,loving,gentle,undrstanding father figure not the police with punishment. Don't let your wife do this to you. It isn't fair of a mother to do that to a real father let alone a step father. Use the time out method and encourage the mother to do the same. Get a book on correction without spanking. Talk to the girls explain why they shouldn't do something that will get them in trouble. Love Them. The Bible 1 Corinthians 3:21 Fathers provoke not your children to anger,lest they be discouraged.
---Darlene_1 on 1/21/10

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