I Am In A Bad Marriage
I've been married 20 years, 11 of which have been miserable. I have stayed married because of our two children, whose presence pulled me back to normalcy. Lately, even their presence can't pull me out of the dark place I'm in. Can anyone think of a reason I should stay in a hurtful, unhealthy marriage?
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---Chris on 1/26/10
Helpful Blog Vote (20)
I am also in a bad marriage. It has been bad from the start. I also have two children. My kids are my favorite people in the world. Yet, I regret marriage. I wish I had divorced years ago BEFORE THE LOSS OF MILLIONS. I am a miserable man. Better to have had the holy spirit and to have remained single. I feel the only way to get to heaven is to leave my wife. Luke 18:29-30 no one who has left home or wife or brothers or sisters or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God 30 will fail to receive many times as much in this age, and in the age to come eternal life.
---Sin on 10/8/14|
I keep trying to get something from him that he does not have to give. He is very self centered and couldn't care less about my need. My kids (by 1st husband) are grown and gone, I just feel like I don't fit in this world anymore>\.
---Karen on 8/29/14|
Martha-Kate: I appreciate your input. I don't feel a Biblical obligation to remain married. And, I've learned from this site that the Bible allows for divorce in the case of adultery.
If we didn't have young children, I wouldn't remain in my marriage. I'm working to salvage it (with the help of a psychologist), because of our children. I've made some progress and I also see that my husband is trying.
At this point, there are still times that that I find it extremely difficult to respect my husband because of the things he's done. I will continue to work through these difficult periods, but I don't know if I will ever be able to respect him again. I know this speaks poorly of my character. I wish I could forgive and move forward.
---chris on 4/1/10|
I was the child who grew up with parents who stayed in a seemingly co-dependent relationship. He was the controller, by any means necessary, and she was the duty bound submissive wife. I respect her opinion to stay. But I NEVER agreed. "God hates divorce". I understand, but it hurts to live with, even as adults. It is so painful seeing your mother hurt and treated miserably. I often prayed for insight. It is between the couple and God. But all of the children were damaged, in some way. We can not lean on our own understanding. There are definite Boundaries in Marriage (Cloud & Townsend)excellent book, But the best book for a dark place, is the Word of God. Try Psalms to start. God Bless You!
---Kim on 3/22/10|
I was married for 38 years to an addict & psychopath. But because I love the Lord & my children, I stayed true to my husband & God thru many abuses which I now know was too long. I am now separated & feel totally free from all Biblical responsibility to remain in the marriage. But, I did not leave w/o much prayer & counseling, the addictions were beginning to take on other facets. It hurt my grown children, my family & friends who love my spouse and I am left holding the blame for not staying "in denial." So, weigh the decision very carefully. I am ok, I know the Lord gave permission to say no more. And it was for my own safety. I know I have God's strength to pick up and move on w/o others. Do you?
---Martha-Kate on 3/21/10|
Your kindness is appreciated, thank you. I am getting help, and it is making a difference. Again...thank you!
---chris on 3/18/10|
I would like to be able to help if I can. Perhaps you might like to contact me with a little more detail about why your marriage is in trouble. Please check me out on Cnet as Teren8687.
God Bless, and I will pray for you
---Terry on 3/16/10|
Chris, thanks for all your explanation, and sorry if it was painful to even remeber all that. I can only say one thing, which is that when my wife left me (after she nearly killed herself due to clinical depression), the pain (on me, I do not know about her) of her leaving remains, even though I have remarried, possibly incorrectly, for I am not certain whether, at the time she left me, she was a Christian or not, though she refused to accept the divorce rules of Christianity. But remeber, leaving your husband is not a quick solution, it will take a very long time to get away from the hurt. Your hope is that not staying in the marriage will allow you to heal faster - maybe
---peter3594 on 3/12/10|
Hi Peter, In response to your question, yes. 11 yrs ago, he made an unacceptable comment to my sister which I mark as the beginning of our downturn. I'm not w/out fault, but can say I haven't committed adultery. My husband, however, saw fit to begin an affair w/the daycare provider when my baby was 2. This occurred 7 yrs ago, but I'm only now beginning to come to grips with all that transpired back then. It doesn't help that I recently found provocative comments posted to a woman by my husband on Facebook. Does he feel the same?...probably. I've been clear that I'm not happy, primarily with his inability to control his anger toward our kids. Further to advise from Cluny on this site, I'm now seeing a therapist about the depression I feel.
---chris on 3/10/10|
Can you think of what happened 11 years ago, when it became misterable? Does your husband feel the same? Is it a problem caused by him, a general (from both together) or a general depression on you?
---peter3594 on 3/9/10|
Get out before someone gets hurt---really bad or death-- occurs. It will, if things are as bad as you say they are. If you are a christian you will have to remain single until he dies and then, the marriage contract expires. You will then be free to remarry. But pray over this situation about remarrying. Preachers and other leaders in the churches marry and remarry. I know most of them did not catch their spouses in adultery. Adultery is the only reason you can remarry while spouse is still alive. According to the Word of God. Pray about it and let the Lord minister to you on this. God bless you
---Robyn on 3/7/10|
No one can say stay if you are unhappy just remember if you leave biblically you still have to leave the door open for reconciliation or remain SINGLE.
RE MARRIAGE IS NOT AN OPEN DOOR THROUGH FAULT
States only through fornication of a wife can a man marry and not be called an Adulterer.
It does not say you can divorce and remarry. Those words are simply not there no matter what the serial Adulterers advocate.
You are to remain single until your husband either returns or the other(death).
---Carla on 3/5/10|
Yes things often change in life. People get depressed. Married or not that is life. It seems your problem may be not understanding the score in the real world. We do not always feel 20, and we do not always feel happy. Joy and happyness are things of prespective. You got 2 legs are you thankful, you got 2 hands are you thankful? How about your children are you thankful?
You have a wife are you thankful? The problem is not being thankful to God and not gaining prespective about the real world. Depression or self pity digg you own pit, its you call. You better ask some destroyed divorced people about the fun of divorce.
---Thomas on 2/7/10|
Chris,abuse is abuse:I agree here with the understanding woman.
Depression:I agree with cluny and bill bila.
You are God's Child,as Father he loves you.
As a parent I think you may understand the love for your children.
He is your Husband and Father first.He will provide for you.Seek His counsel,let Him be your first in everything.
Be annointed with oil- pray:Safety comes first.
Someone once told me,when you're in that abusive -monment-take yourself out of it mentally and picture your children placed-instead.My daughter being abused by her husband or my son abusing his wife.They see this physical role as parents,husband and wife.
Seek also the medical attention-the Holy Spirit will guide.
---char on 2/7/10|
Please talk with God on this issue, do not assume one direction is right or wrong before consulting God. We do not know tomorrow. It is God that knows today & tomorrow that can best counsel you on the steps to take from now onwards.
---Adetunji on 2/6/10|
I lived through a similar situation but mine escalated to the point I had to leave town or one of us would have ended up dead.
If yours is volatile you may not have a choice.
If not, your husband may just need a wake up call.
Is there a way you can separate for a time so that you can heal and he can see how life would be without you?
If neither of you want each other back at the end of the separation then it wasn't meant to be.
Regardless, it's your decision, and scripture supports you not taking him back.
Eitherway you are the one that will have to live with the consequences.
I pray God strengthens you whatever you decide.
---ashle7439 on 2/5/10|
And the locks did not even need to be changed. Believe it or not, we hadn't yet given him his own copy of a key to my mom's place yet.
---amand6348 on 2/5/10|
I don't know how I'd feel Cluny, but after him threatening to kill himself twice, embarrassing me in public many times, (all of this happened before I threw him out), and how he yelled at me for my "demeanor" when I was happy on an antidepressant, when he knew I was on one and couldn't help that I was happy, and all of the other garbage, I can happily say that for one week, things have been peaceful where I live now that he is gone.
No more talking down to me like I am his daughter and not his wife. No. No more of that. Just peace.
---amand6348 on 2/5/10|
\\I got tired of the rollercoaster. So I slept on the couch that night, and then the next day I threw most of his stuff out (didn't mean to keep the other stuff, was just in a hurry.)\\
amand6343, how would you have felt if you had found YOUR possessions thrown out and the locks changed when YOU got home?
---Cluny on 1/30/10|
No. I cannot. Some days ago, I was sick and tired from a long day, and my husband started some stuff with me that I didn't want. I like peace. I got tired of the rollercoaster. So I slept on the couch that night, and then the next day I threw most of his stuff out (didn't mean to keep the other stuff, was just in a hurry.) Then when he came home he picked up his stuff and left. I changed the lock on the shed, and haven't looked back since.
It wasn't because of just that one incident, but a number of incidents that kept happening between us. I love him, and I miss him, but I needed peace. I don't know if we will divorce, but a separation is healthy. Maybe you should try that.
---amand6348 on 1/28/10|
If there is infidelity as you say, then you are not bound to stay in the marriage. I am not suggesting that you leave at this point as I agree that possibly you might need to stabilize on medication and Christian Counseling for Clinical Depression. However, if it is as bad as I think it may be, you may need to change the situation too. If you are depressed right now, making major life changes could be a mistake. Get the depression in control and make major decisions later. Seek God in prayer and study. God's peace to you.:)
---jody on 1/27/10|
Chris, I went through a very abusive marriage with my ex-husband for five years.
If he is physically harming you, then you need to leave. Seek council, a marriage counsellor, not just a regular one.
My husband didn't commit adultery on me, but beat me up the last 8 months of our marriage. One day, by his own hand, he called 911 and lied, said to them, my wife is beating me. The police knew he was lying because I was the one with the bruises on me.
You should at least separate and get some good counselling. God doesn't call us to be abused as women.
---Donna on 1/27/10|
I sure can't! Does God know you? He has His reasons. There will be times when you think you will not make it. Draw off God's strength. Stay in prayer. Seek His council. I understand about darkness.
---catherine on 1/27/10|
Your advise is both helpful and appreciated. Thank you Cluny and Bill for your insight.
---Chris on 1/27/10|
God hates divorce: the two have become one flesh, and what God has joined together let not a human put asunder.
---Eloy on 1/27/10|
There is depression which is a thinking-virus that is very active and gets in and eats up all the memories and melodies that you have stored in your computer. You can't trust anything that this depression has you thinking. I'd say first deal with however your own ways can help to make things worse. And you have your children, whom you would not have if you had not married this person. So, if things can get the better of you, you can get with God so you are stronger and even creative about this. And then see what happens with your hubby. Ladies have gotten straightened out by Jesus, then have seen how Jesus can straighten out any guy better than any lady could hope (c: Rest in how He is able (c: Matthew 11:28-30 God bless you, Chris (c:
---Bill_bila5659 on 1/26/10|
\\Can CD be remedied by medication without changing the source of the depression? \\
Clinical depression is a PHYSICAL disease caused by a chemical imbalance.
There also might be underlying medical issues, such as diabetes, which just make things worse.
This does not mean that reactive depression (a normal reaction to things that indeed are depressing, such as loss of a job or bereavement) cannot exist at the same time.
But if you get your CD taken care you, you can think more soundly about other issues and handle them better.
---Cluny on 1/26/10|
Thank you for your input Cluny. Your are right. It takes two to make a good or bad relationship and I am very depressed. Can CD be remedied by medication without changing the source of the depression?
For many years I have bounced back, but at present I feel like a broken rubberband. His constant rage is source of my negative feelings, but his rage is also supported by infidelity, speaking pooring of me to anyone who will listen, and lying about the simplest of things.
I could forgive the first, second, and third time...but it is becoming very difficult to keep forgiving...thus the broken rubber band syndrome.
---Chris on 1/26/10|
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It generally takes two people to make a marriage--either great or miserable.
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It sounds like, from your choice of words, that the dark place is in YOU--which is typical of clinical depression. I know, because I've felt that myself in the past. I think you should see if there's CD going on, because with that you won't be able to think straight about anything else.
---Cluny on 1/26/10|