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Mother Said Girl Is Ugly

My grandson who is 7 was told by his mother not to be friends with a little girl because "she is ugly". He continued the friendship, his mother asked if he was friends with her, he lied, said no. His mother found out and said she didn't love him anymore because he lied to her. How can I help?

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 ---lynne on 4/23/10
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Well, I am thinking!!!! that the mother didn't look too good either.
---catherine on 6/16/10

must assume this is your daughter-in-law otherwise you would have said your daughter and would be heartbroken knowing you raised a daughter who is emotionally void

seeing it most likely is your daughter-in-law you would need to speak to your son about this situation ...typically children who are emotionally abused are not abused in one isolated incident - it is daily

and most likely she has no idea what she is doing only repeating how her parents treated her
---Rhonda on 5/7/10

Where is the GrandMa? Aren't there just so many questions for her?
---Nana on 5/6/10

If a mother says such things, this person needs help! demented people think on looks. God seeks the heart. And every child God loves. Who can give a child more love then Our Holy Father, King, and God. I pray for this child to believe this and know it in her hart. Children are a blessing to us if we bless them with our Love. They can be a rebellious to us if we curse our lifestyle.
God said I will bless those who bless you and curse those who curse you. I feel for this so called mother/woman.
---MMB on 4/29/10

Well, if the little grl is ugly, how about the mother of this little boy. I'm thinking that she doesn't look too good either....Why don't you ask the little boy what his mother looks like?
---catherine on 4/29/10

This is outright mental abuse of a child. At 7 years old, a mother is a little boy's world. Forgive me, but this women needs her head examined.
---Elaine on 4/29/10


There are others here, that back me up on what I share and not just Kayla4.

Believe what you want, you probably do the same with the Word.

Fairness in the church will change! Its sad that they would not post someone that supports the message I share. Nor have they posted a few posts of mine though I would try to post 3 times!

Your typical, of those that don't know, can't break the Truth, so they move to attack Character. They did it with Christ.

By the way, the church I'm sharing with also knows... that "the so called church is in a state of apostasy". Per the pastor words who started this major branch. I don't need to fake support. And there is more.
---Paul9594 on 4/29/10

Karen D -- I don't think we can assume this mother-in-law is "meddling" any more than we can assume the mother really told her 7 y/o son that she didn't love him.

Grandma was naturally concerned about what she heard. Her question makes one believe she wasn't sure HOW to respond. Of course, she was concerned enough to want to help.

Unfortunately, WE don't know what actually happened any more than she does!
---Donna66 on 4/28/10

Paul9594, you have no credibilbty. You post as someone else praising yourself. You gave some convoluted story that this other person, Kayla4, didn't know how to post so you posted her post under your name praising yourself. In either case, that is deceptive, explaining it is like your other posts, they don't make sense.

You apparently vote for yourself, and your postings are patting yourself on your back.

As I said, you have no credibiltiy. It's a waste of my time to read your postings.
---Rod4Him on 4/28/10

U post:
Paul9594...I do not think a woman should continue to respect a man if he wants her to do immoral and sinful things such as adultery. ///

With your logic then I can also say to the men.

Men do not CONTINUE to respect a woman if she makes the mistake to ask you to do something sinful, forget about FORGIVENESS.

Some of us are waiting for you to teach.

If the woman can expect love, respect with her imperfections in her position in the marriage.

Why can't the man expect love, respect with his imperfections in his position in the marriage?

Or is it that your statement of faith, also denies the order for marriage for sake of love,set by Christ?

Teach me, us.
---Paul9594 on 4/28/10

The more I read this question, the more I am convinced that this is a meddling mother-in-law situation.
---KarenD on 4/28/10

Thank you!
---aka_joseph on 4/28/10

Eloy-- 1) we do not know if this is what the mother actually said, or what the child just THOUGHT she said.

2) we do not know what the mother meant by "ugly". Maybe the girl's behavior or language was "ugly" and the mother thought the she would be a bad influence.

3) A 7 y/o doesn't know what a "shallow" woman is. And the girl may NOT be a suitable friend.

4) If the mother is as harsh as it sounds, the 7 y/o may be risking his safety by speaking to her in the manner you suggest. A teenager could defend himself, but not a 7 y/o.

5) If it turns out you have misjudged the situation, how will you justify telling a child to disobey and disrespect his parent? How will you handle the fallout?
---Donna66 on 4/28/10

Donna...Is this the way it is done?
---KarenD on 4/27/10

Donna, according to the poster, the mother told her little boy that She Did Not Love him anymore. If any parent tells their child to end their good friendship with one of their friends on the single poor excuse that the friend is ugly to them, that parent needs a reality check in the love department, and not the child. Therefore the child needs to convey to the sinful mother, "I see my friend as much more beautiful than you. You are a shallow woman, and I am very ashamed that you are my mother. How dare you tell me that my friend is ugly, and that I can no longer be friends with my friend because you think she is ugly."
---Eloy on 4/27/10

aka Joseph and anyone else who is interested---

To print in italics you sourround you word or phrase with these symbols as follows: < letter i> goes in front. At the end of the word or phrase, print < forward slash letter i> Of course, I've had to spell out letter i, here, but you would simply print i. Use < or > just as I have and don't put a space between symbols.
bold would be done the same, except substitute the letter b for the letter i.
underline uses the letter u .
---Donna66 on 4/27/10

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//Tell the little boy to tell his mother, "I do not need your love, nor do I want your love."//
---Eloy on 4/27/10
Sorry for putting it so bluntly. Eloy, you must be crazy. The child is SEVEN YEARS OLD. A normal child this age needs and wants his mothers love above everything. How confusing and frightening for him to be forced to say otherwise. DO you NOT understand children at all?

akaJoseph-- I have seen children this age who who have been bruised, beaten and burned (2-3 degree), yet they cannot conceive of the idea that their parent might be wrong. They assume such treatment is normal and that they must be a bad child.
Believe me, I speak from experience.
---Donna66 on 4/27/10

lynne, I'd be curious to hear from your grandson's mother what she actually said.

How many here likewise would?
---Cluny on 4/27/10

Tell the little boy to tell his mother, "I do not need your love, nor do I want your love."
---Eloy on 4/27/10

Donna66, There is so much that I would like to say, but this 125 word "tweet" venue does not lend itself well to properly sustained communication.

BTW - How do you edit your docs to get bolded letters, underlines, italics etc.? All I can do is type, and I get what I see.
---aka_joseph on 4/27/10

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aka Jospeh--// Mom loves them as much as she can but "she is sick an not able to take care of them" is a total lie.//

I DO NOT think this is a lie. She CANNOT care for them because she is an ADDICT.

What would YOU tell an innocent little 5-7 year old who says, "Where is my Mommy? Why isn't she here?"

You are not speaking to an adult who understands a "sick lifestyle that is not conducive to family life" or " she is able to care for you but isn't willing right now"

In a few years they may understand this, but they cannot understand NOW.
---Donna66 on 4/26/10

Aka joseph -- There is much more for them to learn than "God is love". but that's not the point as I see it.
The children you mention have a father who loves them and have ajusted to a mother who is largely absent. Families and individuals are all different

But this I know. Young children with an unloving parent, are unable to attribute blame to the adult. Thus they cannot understand what it is to "forgive" the parent. Instead they blame themselves and see themselves as defective or unlovable (not logical to us, but it's how a child thinks) It's a bad way to start out in life.

When they are old enough to see the failure in their parent, then thay can "forgive".
---Donna66 on 4/26/10

//I would tell them, in the case you mention, that Mom loves them very much but she is sick an not able to take care of them.//

I would tell them, in the case I mention, that Mom loves them as much as she can but "she is sick an not able to take care of them" is a total lie.

She is not sick, she has chosen to continue in a sick lifestyle that is not conducive to a family. Furthermore, she is able but she is not willing to take care of them right now.

As far as that woman not being able to tell her son that she does not love him because he lied to her. Join us here in the 10s.
---aka_joseph on 4/26/10

And to "forgive" a parent for not loving you is beyond many people's ability...and an impossibility for a 7 year old boy!
---Donna66 on 4/25/10

I contend that if we stop limiting our children to 'God is love' and keeping them from the Truth, we would not have to deal with things in "adulthood."

I did not say that my friend tells his children that their mom does not love them. I said he shares more than that, and it works.
---aka_joseph on 4/26/10

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aka-joseph--- I don't see part 2 of your post. (guess it didn't get posted).
I've seen a number of families like this. Even their children, when young, have a right (and a NEED) to believe their parents love them. I believe this need trumps anything that may be happening to the parents.

At 7 years old, I think this is more important for a child than the facts as you see them. Even if the child has been abandoned, I would tell them, in the case you mention, that Mom loves them very much but she is sick an not able to take care of them. In the case of drug addiction is this not true?

They may conclude someday on their own that they are not loved. But let it be their OWN conclusion, not based on something somebody else said.
---Donna66 on 4/26/10

compliments all the time from everyone how good his kids are and the two that are in elementary school are doing very well.

Now, how do you think the kids would be doing if they didn't know about forgiveness and were only told that their mom loves them? Eventually, like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, the kids will figure it out and they would think their dad is a liar. It would take a lifetime to work out that.

Perhaps, our children deserve more than knowing 'God is love.' Now, I know the real reason why Jesus rebuked the disciples for keeping the children from him. It is an infringement on their spiritual rights.
---aka_joseph on 4/25/10

Donna66, let me tell you about a friend of mine. For the past almost six years, the mother of my friend's children has been abandoning her children to do drugs. During the last binge, they have not seen her since August 2009.

Now, I cannot attest to her love for them especially based on her actions, but he teaches them about forgiveness,God's love, and how one person born of God did this for the whole entire world. The father gets ... (to be contd)
---aka_joseph on 4/25/10

The only things you can do is 1) PRAY and 2) show your grandson that it is what is inside of a person that counts and that he is loved very much by you and GOD.Your daughter-in- law has serious issues and this is only symptomatic of the depth of these problems. If she is capable of this, just think of what else she is capable of.You may want to speak with her, meekly, to discuss her need for help.She may reject you completely though and cut you off from the boy, so be prayerfully cautious in your approach if you choose to address this with her.The woman is SICK,SICK SICK.On the other hand she may be unable to hear the truth in which case you need to pray for God to just fix everything re this situation, your grandson and her specific problems.
---jody on 4/25/10

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aka Joseph -- This is one rare case where I think it is important to assume the opposite of what appears to be. No matter what the child's mother actually said, (no matter whether he mis-heard or not) every child should believe he is loved by his parent(s)! And to "forgive" a parent for not loving you is beyond many people's ability...and an impossibility for a 7 year old boy!

I tend to think that this type of question is usually written AFTER the problem has been addressed in one way or another. (Grandma can't wait for a post before she responds to the child).I Think the questioner really is asking what others would do because she's still wondering if she did the right thing.
---Donna66 on 4/25/10

Donna- I guess that's why I started with "assuming...

these personal blogs are hard to address. I try to keep it generic and anyone can use it if it applies to them.

on another blog that I used to frequent a few years ago, the people would ask, "[situation] will you pray...". Here, it is usually, "what should i do?" Then, there never is really any feedback or follow-up. I find this highly suspicious. Do you?
---aka_joseph on 4/25/10

\\This woman should be kicked in the "you know what". She is of course, wrong on all counts.
---catherine on 4/24/10\\

Have you ever read what Jesus said about who should cast the first stone, catherine?

I'm sure the principle applies to kicks.
---Cluny on 4/24/10

After contemplating this question, I have come to the conclusion that the mother is your daughter-in-law, not your daughter. You can help by staying out of this. Did you ever think that the mother meant that the girl is an "ugly" person and not necessarily an "ugly" girl in looks? I know a lot of beautiful "ugly" people.
---KarenD on 4/24/10

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This woman should be kicked in the "you know what". She is of course, wrong on all counts.
---catherine on 4/24/10

aka Joseph -- What if the mother did NOT say exactly what the child thinks she said? By asking him to "forgive" her, you are reinforcing the idea that his mother doesn't love him when he misbehaves... Is that what you want him to believe?
Wouldn't it be better to say something like, "Mommy ALWAYS LOVES you, but when you lie to her, you make her angry -- if you lie to her, she may stop believing what you tell her."? (or words to that effect)
---Donna66 on 4/24/10

Assuming this is an accurate story:
1. Do not worry and do not spread this to others that may know the people that are involved. God is still in control and you this may be cnsidered gossip. 2. Teach the boy about forgiveness and true love (God's not man's). Ask him to forgive his mother and release any bad feelings that he may have. 3. Do not confront the mother unless you are specifically told after you pray many times. 4. This is the hard part...even for me. Ephesians 6 instructs children to obey your parent in the Lord. Now, remember, it says "in the Lord". Advise the boy to tell his friend that for right now, he has to do what his mom tells him, but also to have faith that this will be worked out "in the Lord".
---aka_joseph on 4/23/10

It's possible that by "Don't be friends with this girl", Mother may have meant, "Have nothing to do with her".

Grandson may have interpreted "Don't be friends" as "Don't be nice to her", and quite rightly was not going to be rude.

Does this make sense?
---Cluny on 4/23/10

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Kids today know the word stupid and the word smart.
I would not say a word for or against is mother!

But, I would pull him to the side and say!
After all is said and done! Like today!

Did you know! God made two kinds of people in this world.
Stupid people and smart people!
You have to decide which ones youre going to follow!
Im telling you this because, I love you!

And let God do the rest!
Just in case!
---TheSeg on 4/23/10

Ouch! "mother doesn't love him because he lied to her"? Perhaps the boy misunderstood. In any case, grandma needs to rephrase this for him because, presumably, mom did not mean she didn't love him.
And she can re-enforce the value of telling the truth. Since she doesn't know the details, she may do well to stop at this point.

It would be very interesting, however, to determine what "ugly" meant in this case. Was the girl ugly in looks or behavior?
There must be some reason his mother didn't want him to play with her. Without knowing, grandma should not go into this with him.

If she finds out later what was "ugly", she might find some more appropriate words to use with the grandson.
---Donna66 on 4/23/10

Part 2, Again we are not getting the whole story here.

It sounds like the boy is preschool 3 or under and has related something orally to Grandma which she did not personally observe. And depending upon how articulate the boy is in telling Grandma , and Grandma is making some inferences she should likely not be making.

I have already presented alternative meaning of UGLY.

Let's look at "Be friends with", play with, go over to her house to play. This is more complex meaning and she has to use words the son can comprehend, likewise, The rebuke my have been more like, " Mommy does not love you when you don't mind her" but thing get dropped when he tells grandma.
---Friendly_Blogger on 4/23/10

We don't necessary know the whole correct story in this alleged scenario you are only hearing Grandma's version.

The boy failed to follow instructions of his mother, people are just assuming the "UGLY" applied to physical characteristics. The girl my be from a dysfunctional household and Acts ugly toward others or used Ugly Speech and the mother does not want we son picking up bad habits. Basically we don't know the whole story here.

What we do know is the son did not mind his mother and got a mild non physical rebuke for doing so.

Grandma need to lean back off, stop interfering with parental discipline and quit airing dirty laundry on the Internet.
---Friendly_Blogger on 4/23/10

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This mother has DEEP psychological problems. What mother can tell her son she doesn't love him anymore because he lied to her? Even God didn't do that with us.

Please tell this mother she needs professional counselling - She is manipulative and wants to control her son and she has a spirit of rejection abiding in her - low self esteem and insecurities beyond belief plague her. She's sick in her mind if she tells her son that. Why aren't you telling your grandson the truth? That God looks upon the heart and he should do what HE wants to do - be friends with this little girl.
---Donna5535 on 4/23/10

The Mother was looking at the outside appearance, but God looks at the Heart. Pray for the Mother, to have a change of Heart, and that she realizes that God's Love is Pure.
---Kimbe7395 on 4/23/10

If her love is that fleeting, perhaps she needs an encounter with the God of unconditional love. It sounds she is trying to control through manipulation. The root of that is her own insecurity. Continue to accept his mother despite her own "ugliness".
---Linda on 4/23/10

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