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Pastor Is A Narcissist

I have been married 12 years, and have discovered that my Pastor husband is a narcissist. He really puts on a show for the people in our church yet is super controlling at home. He has no feelings, he is like a robot. I recently told him I had had an affair just to get a reaction. He didn't respond.

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 ---Sue on 10/26/10
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a narcissist is a person who loves himself over everything else. Hard to tell what he is thinking maybe it only matters if its him.
---Diane_Gilland on 11/4/11

Please what is the meaning of Narcissist?
---Adetunji on 11/4/11

...recently told him I had had an affair just to get a reaction. He didn't respond.

appears to be manipulation!!

manipulators (potential narcissistic traits) LIE looking for reactions in people to control them

curious how you lied about an affair to see his reaction - non-response could also be he was overwhelmed with hurt and rejection

difficult to buy into this posters self-impossed woes and her warped ideas about her husband when she pulls a stunt like that! ...a lie is still a lie - your sin of lying doesn't PROVE husband is narcissist

a callous person who would tell a lie that possesses such magnitude of hurt for another person very well MIGHT be the one with "no feelings"
---Rhonda on 11/3/11

Sweety, I can't imagine what you are going through. Our pastor of 7 months is a narcissist and he is destroying our church. I feel so sorry for his sweet little wife. I wish you are her could get together to cry on each other's shoulders. No one can know what you are going through besides someone who lives with one of these people. Forgiveness is one thing but he has to repent before you can totally forgive and he will NEVER do that!
---KM on 11/2/11

I understand your dilemma but you must maintain your integrity four your own souls sake. Your husband may not know how to display his emotions, being a Pastor myself I know the depth of difficulty a Pastor goes through and sometimes one can disconnect in the name of focus. They need to find a good balance, and I will be praying to this end. Please don't trample your vowels for you will have to give an account for that one day. God Bless
---paul on 11/29/10

Sue, When you are alone with him, ask him, "(husband's name) or Honey, I want to pray right now together with you. Let us pray together." Then take his hand and close your eyes and bow your head, and begin praying to the Lord Jesus with this coldness that you are feeling from your husband and ask Jesus to help you both to express your love honestly to each other every day and to be able to communicate to each other the things that are on each of your hearts. If it takes a few minutes or even a half an hour do not stop seeking the Lord Jesus for his intervention and intercession into your holy union and matrimony.
---Eloy on 11/16/10

Eloy: (Part 1/2):

When you tell someone they have no light in them (or they blaspheme, or any other number of phrases you frequently use), you state an opinion, especially since many others do not share it. When you elevate this opinion to the level of an alleged fact, you pronounce judgment on another. Once you do this, such judgments are subject to valid scrutiny and challenge by others who disagree with them.

I do not say similar things about you, because even though I believe (i.e. my opinion) you say many wrong things (and many others agree), even though I am a Christian, I am also finite and fallible, and am not omnipotent as God is and able pass judgment on others, especially those whom I know only from a text-only medium.
---StrongAxe on 11/16/10

aka honestly apologized to me, and I honestly accepted. And therefore aka is wholly accepted and restored to a right relationship, there is no hard feelings, no resentments, no grudges, no separation existing in our present communication and fellowship. This is the choice that each of us must make in life, either we are at one and at peace with the body of Christ or else we are none of his, for the tree is known by the fruit it bears. The second commandment is to love one another even as Christ loves us: thus are we bearing goodly Christian fruit, or rotten antiChristian fruit? "Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree rotten and its fruit rotten: for from the fruit the tree is known."
---Eloy on 11/16/10

Strongax and Cluny, When I say a person has no light in them and that is why they are posting darkness, then that is a fact which is publicly manifested by the very darkness and blasphemies which they have posted. My commandment is to share the light I have with others, now if others try to darken my light then they are rightly condemned by their own sin. "Every weapon sharpened against me will not succeed, and every tongue opposing me in judgment will be condemned. This the heritage of the servants of Yhwh, and their righteousness from me, says Yhwh."
---Eloy on 11/16/10

\\If you Google: eloy "no light in you" you can find dozens of times when you have used this one phrase alone.
---StrongAxe on 11/15/10\\

As a matter of fact, there Google lists 4 pages of such quotes.
---Cluny on 11/16/10


You said: Please know that my preaching is not purposed to condemn, for I have not been sent to condemn, but rather to preach the truth

That is good. But it is also curious, because despite this, you seem to do a LOT of condemning on these blogs. You said you blaspheme because there is no light in you (to aka on 11/8/10). You frequently say similar things to various other people, not to mention other kinds of condemnations.

If you Google: eloy "no light in you" you can find dozens of times when you have used this one phrase alone.
---StrongAxe on 11/15/10

Where did you get the idea you came here to preach or minister truth?

I've caught you making more errors (and not simply solecisms) than an early Mets game.
---Cluny on 11/12/10

aka, ok. Please know that my preaching is not purposed to condemn, for I have not been sent to condemn, but rather to preach the truth: and the purpose of my witness is to bring people to Christ, to healing, to restoration, to solutions, and to salvation. I desire nothing more than to have all people saved and to be blessed. I do not minister for any gain, but because I love my Lord and I desire all to have this same life that he has given to me.
---Eloy on 11/10/10

i am sorry, eloy.
---aka on 11/9/10

aka, I minister Biblical truth and spiritual guidance as commanded, and I am blessed. And you dis because you have no fellowship with Christ, nor with us saints from Christ. Every blaspheming tongue that rises against me is none of me, nor of my Christ, but is condemned. After you get saved then you rightly will bless with your tongue, rather than condemn yourself.
---Eloy on 11/9/10

eloy, what you fail to understand is that to others that may be a stale, cold response that says the opposite of what it intends. "like we will pray for you."

the only person I blasphemed is eloy, and that is something that everybody here has done when they disagree with something that you say.

your roses get better attention from you than us poor sinners. the only thing we get from is condemnation. you get what you give.
---aka on 11/9/10

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aka, The poster expressed "no feelings" from her pastoral husband at home, and I gave the right instruction to her to "pray together" with him, and then you sinuously blasphemed saying that these words are cold-hearted: "But your wrongs are separating between you and your God, and your sins have hidden face from you, that he will not hear." Is.59:2.
---Eloy on 11/8/10

//Pray together is God's instruction//

Where is corporate prayer an instruction?

Paul says to pray for one another not with each other.

Paraphrase in the Garden of Gethsemane: "you stay here while I pray over there."

Why? He knew their hearts.

My kids love to pray the Lord's prayer with me. It brings them comfort. Praying together is not a bad thing to do. Just be careful with whom you pray. It has a way of bringing out the Truth.
---aka on 11/8/10

\\The family that "prays together" stays to gether.
---Eloy on 11/8/10\\

Did you know that this phrase was coined by a Roman Catholic priest to encourage families to say the Rosary together?
---Cluny on 11/8/10

eloy, to be added to the wall of eloy's accusation puts me in good company.

notice that i did not say eloy is heartless because i do not believe that. i said that statement was heartless.

we were a family that did pray together, and then my kid's mother left me for a life or drugs and then eventually left the kids, also.

So, tell them that with all sincerity and conscience that the mother that they prayed with will stay together.
---aka on 11/8/10

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aka, Pray together is God's instruction, but you blaspheme because there is no light in you: "Woe to them that call evil good, and good evil: that put darkness for light, and light for darkness: that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!" Is.5:20.
---Eloy on 11/8/10

//The family that "prays together" stays together.//

that is one heartless statement.
---aka on 11/8/10

The family that "prays together" stays to gether.
---Eloy on 11/8/10

Sue that is a scary place to be.I have a friend that is in the same boat(also with a cheating preacher) and for a sec I thought you were her.The worst is generally when this happens the church has no leadership and they continue to let this person lead the congregation when it clearly shows who should lead in 1 Timothy 3,ephesians 5, galations and generally anywhere qualifications for leadership are discussed.Although I can't say this suprises me. Most who claim to worship God have no idea what or how they should worship other than what they are told and taught. There are very few Truth Seekers in todays world.
---Patrick on 11/7/10

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Remember, people, that all we know is what Sue has told us.

There are usually two sides to these stories.

And generally the truth is somewhere in between.
---Cluny on 10/31/10

I have empathy for Sue. My ex was that way, he had a local Christian tv show but you would be hard-pressed to find any hint of God in his dealings with me or his kids or his mother! Those that are hard on her have no clue what it's like.
---Mary on 10/31/10

My advice is to pray and seek the Lord's will for your role as this man's wife. It sounds like your husband has issues, don't we all? His lack of reaction to your manipulating announcement could be a sign of depression.

After you have prayed, seek marital therapy. It sounds like a marriage of two unhappy people, one in the public eye, and one not sure how to communicate her feelings honestly.
---Ttrish on 10/30/10

"elder your answer was 'you are either a liar or an adultress' even LEA noticed your reply. calling the person in need a 'liar' or adultress. you wrote those words. LOL"
Well Mike, do you think I should have left the word liar out? Now she either commited adultry or she lied about it. She is practing the sin of one or the other. She said it. I quoted what she admitted.
How about it..., is it OK for you to lie to your spouse? (Watch it she may be reading this.)
If the act satisifies the end is it OK to lie?
The woman, herself, said she either commited adultry or she lied about it, so you tell me which is worse? Huh?
---Elder on 10/30/10

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Robyn there's a thing called holiness, and were commanded to follow after it. What that command doesn't allow is us making up the rules as we go along.
What that command insists is that there is absolute right and wrong and we should cling to the one and hate the other, even when it means our own suffering and or physical death just as it did for Jesus.
I'm not sure how you became so deceived as to think that following Christ meant do it your own way, and to hell with the price that was paid by the one and only sinless man who ever lived and died to set me free...I'm dumbfounded, how do you repay that kind of sacrificial love with intentional indifference?
---Pharisee on 10/30/10

Oh, by all means build him up. Lets just build-up Satan!
---catherine on 10/29/10

Pharisee: When someone post here. No one has all of the facts. Space will not allow us to go into much detail.We have to keep our responses short and simple. Yes christians do lie,cheat, manipulate and do all the things that you pharisees do not! The lady was seeking attention from her spouse. She was trying to manipulate the man. For God sakes! And it is very dangerous for someone to make their spouse think they are cheating. If this happens(and it does all of the time). I still say--don't tell the spouse. What good does it do? It can only make things worse,most times. I would not take a chance like that.
---Robyn on 10/29/10

My husband goes through times of being Narcissistic. He is abuses and puts on a show in front of people too- he use to be a pastor too- and I'm sure you are at least going through verbal and mental abuse but you probably make light of it. Their is a good book by stormie ormartain -praying wife --stormie writes wonderful books-her books are filled with encouragement and scriptures--be blessed
---Sarah on 10/29/10

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your answer was

'you are either a liar or an adultress'

even LEA noticed your reply. calling the person in need a 'liar' or adultress.

you wrote those words. LOL
---mike on 10/29/10

If we respond with bitterness to this question then we are like those standing with stones when Jesus ask the question those of you without sin can cast the first stone. Lets respond with love and real answers that come from Love which is the Father if we truly know Him.
---kathy on 10/29/10

Some folks here sound like they are Job's friends.
---Rod4Him on 10/29/10

The enemy is trying to use you to take him out. This is the same as Eve did to Adam. Your husband may or may not have a calling to be a Pastor but he feels some kind of drawing from the Lord. The enemy knows that he will do great things for God and wants to take him out. Please be patient and build him up and pray an ask the Lord to show him where he has failed with you and his family. When you speak to him the enemy will close his ears. When God speaks to him he will hear. Be Blessed and trust the Lord.
---kathy on 10/29/10

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Some people in public ministry, I think,
like professional actors, play the role so well that after a while they lose touch with who they really are. They are so busy trying to live up to what they think people expect...that they are afraid to recognize their own humanity. It must be a great strain.

He didn't even know how to react when you told him you were having an affair.
How does he react when people come to him with problems....or do they?

Sounds like some Christian marriage counseling might help BOTH of you. (yes, even pastors benefit from some counseling).
---Donna66 on 10/28/10

This could mean your church's members are all ***fooling their own selves** into evaluating him by his outward appearance, even though Jesus clearly says, "'Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.'" (John 7:24) So, all these people cannot tell the difference between a person of real love, versus a faker. This is sad and very dangerous . . . like how a religious group had people (whole churches, it seems) who could not tell the difference between a predator and a pastor who is ministering God's own love > > > very dangerous. But Jesus Christ's sheep (not just leaders) can *smell* the difference between a good shepherd and a wolf in fancy religious clothing (John 10:1-31, Philippians 1:9).
---Bill on 10/28/10

\\i think I would just stay silent, and hope the nightmare went away.
---alan8566_of_uk on 10/27/10\\

I understand why you said that. That could well be why he showed no reaction.

**She was trying to shock her husband into a reaction,sounds to me like he has real deep issues or he doesn't know what Love is, only God knows whats going on in this marriage.
---Lea on 10/27/10**

Sounds to me like SHE is the one with such deep issues she would manipulate and lie to her husband just to get a reaction from him.

In other words--she's the narcissist.
---Cluny on 10/27/10

"wow elder sue described her husband as controlling lack of emotions towards her. i guess you have that problem too."
Mike, I am sure you have heard this before, but, your crystal ball is fogging up. All I did was to ask Sue a question. You didn't think it was directed toward you did you?
Lea, are you saying that lying or adultry is OK if the end results satisifies Sue?
Anyone bold enough to say or commit the act would appear to be to be able to confront the real problem.
All of you folks need to remember that you have heard one side that's all. It may not even be true.
Pharisee call my shack sometimes.
---Elder on 10/27/10

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It is unbelievable that anyone would counsel this woman not to tell her husband "IF" she has an affair in the future. What kind of Christian woman uses tactics like telling her husband that she has had an affair just to get a reaction from him? Who's the narcissist here???
---KarenD on 10/27/10

Robyn are you serious?

"Sue please be careful with this type thing. If you ever really have an affair, please don't tell your husband about it"

It's right to defraud someone of their right to leave a cheater? It's good to lie?

"If a woman/man has to resort to these type tactics"

It is never true that a person's only recourse is to lie and manipulate, That's nothing more then mind games, and she NEVER "had to" do that.

That is very bad/He has disconnected

Mere surface judgments that do not have any way to understand all that's going on and have only heard one side of the story. This is some of the most irresponsible advice I've ever seen.
---Pharisee on 10/27/10

wow elder sue described her husband as controlling lack of emotions towards her. i guess you have that problem too.
---mike on 10/27/10

Maybe the reason he puts up a show at church is because he fears rejection of who he really is by those who should love him unconditionally. Really, all the hype is just another form of control. It controls how much of himself is known. When he's at home, that same control manifests in another way but it has the same root.....fear of rejection.
---Linda on 10/27/10

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Sue please be careful with this type thing. If you ever really have an affair, please don't tell your husband about it--for God's sake! He could snap, go off on you. This could be dangerous for you. Could even lead to death. Dear heart. This is a very sad post. If a woman/man has to resort to these type tactics, he/she is in a very bad place. You are very unhappy and unfulfilled. Only the desperate do things of this nature. My hear goes out to you.
That is very bad that your spouse did not even react to what you told him.He has disconnected from the relationship and from you. He is unavailable to meet your needs. So sad, indeed.
---Robyn on 10/27/10

Sadly, I no longer have a wife, as she died.

But knowing myself, I know that if my wife had told me she was having an affair, I would not have known how to react.

I would not have wanted to show anger, as this would drive here still further away.

I would not have challenged her about the truth of her statment, for fear she would confirm her affair.

However much I hurt inside, I would try not to show I was upset, for fear of her despising me.

i think I would just stay silent, and hope the nightmare went away.
---alan8566_of_uk on 10/27/10

Maybe he knew you were lying. Best way to test that...well I won't go there. This is not a game, if you're not happy with him you need to speak with him directly, and tell him everything you're feeling...blow off that steam.

Then see if your desires for life are what God has in mind. One of you has departed from the other, and frankly thousands of years of Christian testimony has said, and even I declare that GOD IS FAITHFUL. Psalm 37:4 you need to delight yourself in God again and let him re-tune your heart to desire the life of Christ in you, maybe then you can better identify and understand your husbands emotions and actually support him instead of tear him down.

Hey Elder!
---Pharisee on 10/27/10

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
---Lea on 10/27/10

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Your husband is a narcissist, you are either a liar or an adultress. Which is worse?
---Elder on 10/27/10

Elder i think you need to read the question again that Sue posted. She was trying to shock her husband into a reaction,sounds to me like he has real deep issues or he doesn't know what Love is, only God knows whats going on in this marriage.
---Lea on 10/27/10

Sue....I think you need to look up the definition of narcissist.
---KarenD on 10/27/10

Your husband is a narcissist, you are either a liar or an adultress. Which is worse?
---Elder on 10/27/10

When you told him you had an affair, how did you EXPECT him to react?

He must really be a narcissist if he thinks of himself instead of you all the time, right?
---Cluny on 10/26/10

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