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My Marriage Is Failing

Marriage of 30+ years. Husband refuses to discuss why marriage is failing. Becomes angry when topic is brought up. Drinks and smokes constantly.

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 ---Robyn on 11/7/10
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It's a known fact that a person will change in relation to your change and this is especially true in a marriage. Say no more to him, but just go about your business. Treat him like you did when you first got married. (Try this for 30 days and see if he doesn't change for the good.) In the meantime, you should seek professional marrage counseling, even if he refuses. (It should be someone neither one of you knows.) Also remember, a person will only change when they want to change, not when you want them to change.
---wivv on 11/9/10

Counseling is ok but I don't think that is the answer. I certainly won't open up to my pastor. My husband does not care for my pastor. He thinks pastors should butt out of others lives. My husband does not belong to my church. He is a man's man and resents intrusions from others.
---Robyn on 11/9/10

//Of Course, this is in Patriarchal society which the Israelites,Jews,Christians live by.//

patrick, the man who was trying to change all that because of God's True Word is the man that you choose to denigrate.

Gal 3:28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.
---aka on 11/8/10

Turn to God in prayer and seek His counsel in His word. Remember God is our counsellor (Isa9:6). You can trust in Him.

Avoid marriage counsellors if you can. They cause a lot of damage. Psychologists even say counsellors are destructive and should be avoided.

As aka said "through every trial, we are given the opportunity to see the Truth."

Trust in God.
---Haz27 on 11/8/10

Cluny: Control issues may be the problem.But I don't think I control my son or husband. You can be the best wife,girl/boyfriend,mom etc..and things happen. Life is a gamble. I put the question out there because this is a blog. No one is exempt from problems in this life. If we say we don't have any issues/problems. We are deceiving ourselves, but most certainly, not others.
But let me say this: he thinks everything is ok. I am the one saying the marriage is failing.
---Robyn on 11/8/10

Well lets look at marriage. Originally it was to show posession. Women were property in the Bible.It even gives law on how to pay for a woman you have raped.Deuteronomy 22:28-29.The only way out for a woman supposedly is by the man commiting adultery BUT on the other hand the man can divorce if he does not find favor with her.Of Course, this is in Patriarchal society which the Israelites,Jews,Christians live by.Man is the leader and important role.Why would an Israelite man divorce anyway? He could have as many wives as he wanted. Marriage wasn't a part of church service till the midieval times.So you ever heard of the book the Five Love Langauges? This will help find if he loves you or simply could care less and is using you.I wish you well
---Patrick on 11/8/10

Dear sister, first of all I would advice you to seek God's intervention in this situation, after that speak to your pastor to give you some advice about this matter. Then try to get some counceling for you and your husband, but if he doesn't want counceling, then go by yourself. The only thing that I notice is that your husband is unequally yoke, and that is what's causing a barrier between you and him, if all else fails just separate temporarilly, but don't get divorced unless you feel otherwise. God bless you.
---Frances on 11/8/10

Try marriage counselling. Work it out through a professional marriage counsellor.

Men don't usually open up (those kind are rare) but I found in counselling, my ex-husband wouldn't shut (sorry, I know using that term isn't nice. Just didn't know any other way to say it.

Pray hard...pour your heart out to God and let God know you need Him to intervene.

Stick close to Jesus and by your example, your husband can be won back over.
---Donna5535 on 11/8/10

no matter what was said in the past, Robyn, i am sorry to hear that.

through every trial, we are given the opportunity to see the Truth.
---aka on 11/7/10

Maybe Robyn has control issues--

or thinks she's losing control: first of her son, now of her husband.
---Cluny on 11/7/10

Are you the same Robyn who wrote this:

Kinesha,Kinesha,Kinesha.......(edited for space) You should have brought all of this up before marrying him. You have a lot to learn about relationships. Until then you will find yourself in these type pitiful unions. The question: should you divorce him for unfaithfulness? No--he should divorce you for being so blind and desperate. I'm sorry. You did it to yourself,hon. ---Robyn on 11/7/10

If you are the same Robyn, I think I may know the root of your marital problem. Either that or your angst for your own husband causes your bitterness to show up in your counsel.
---Anon on 11/7/10

the biggest factor among marriages in trouble is non comittment,almost everyone says these words for better or for worse,yet seems all want better and no worse.another falicy is ireconcilable differences,what a joke,after 30 years I would hope that is not an issue,another so called issue is OH people change,BULL.
---tom2 on 11/7/10

Robyn ... The title given to your question suggests that it is your marriage which is failing.

And you have recently asked a question about what to do if a lazy son won't pay rent for living in the parents home, or if a son takes drugs in his parents home where he lives.

Are all these situations yours?

If people here knew that, they may be able to help you better
---alan8566_of_UK on 11/7/10

Stormie O'Martian has a really good prayer book called "The Power of a Praying Wife." While reading that, I learned a great deal about my relationship with my husband, when we were together.

I also suggest that if your husband will not discuss the negative things about your marriage, you might want to suggest marital therapy. If he refuses to participate, go alone.

Also, get involved in a Women's Bible Study and find a discipler/mentor to guide you in your walk with the Lord. Growing closer to the Lord will help you.
---Trish on 11/7/10

That's sad to hear Robyn. There is hope and it's found in walking in what is mandated in a marriage covenant in the scriptures. The burden for each of us is putting in what we want out, and in any case that's the best.

The reality does exist that in some cases no matter what we do it won't be enough. Even in such a case if you've walked with Christ through your crisis you'll not be a loser. Everything on earth will fail at some point it's just the nature of life in a fallen world, and even a successful marriage has within it things that don't bring honor to God and create various breakdowns in some areas. All this makes your personal walk with God all the more important. Let our love be measured, and that in all things.
---Pharisee on 11/7/10

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