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Married After The Affair

13 1/2 years ago I had an affair with a married man, we divorced our spouses and married each other. I hate that we did this. I will never have peace that this marriage is right, but I don't have peace about divorce either. I feel stuck and would love to hear some of your thoughts.

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 ---Julie on 12/20/10
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Julie: I can see reasons for both ways - either remain in the marriage (the current one) [because you are married and it would not be right to divorce] and separation (if you feel you are in adultery now)

I cannot, though, say what is best for you to do, but I HOPE you can find a good and blessed solution
---Peter on 2/3/11

Julie: You have had godly counsel as you have stated below but you are still having an urge for separation. Do you believe in God? 2 'wrong's will not make a 'right' in this matter you are talking about. Learn to follow godly instructions not whatever your heart dictates. The devil also influences human thoughts.
---Adetunji on 1/31/11

Julie, Jesus told the woman at the well Jn 4 that her relationships were not right. He tells another woman caught in an affair to leave her life of sin. So Scripture wants us to live in purity. In your case leaving the man alone fixes your problem. Maybe prayerfully you could start finding a way to put an end to this relationship.
---hop on 1/26/11

"Get Thee to a Nunery!"
W. Shakespeare.
---John on 1/22/11

I have taken difficult situations to the Lord in prayer and fasting (while alone x 3 days). I can only do this when I am willing to listen (receive) and obey no matter what. It sounds to me like God is doing a work in you for your maturation. God can spiritually open your eyes and ears to receive instruction. While his forgiveness and mercy are unfailing, the issue of consequences must equally be understood and accepted. I pray God brings you to peace.
---Karen on 1/22/11

Julie, Just out of curiosity, do you have children?
---Donna66 on 1/3/11

Dear Julie, you should know in your heart what to do. Rebuke second marriage, if first husband will not take you back, stay unmarried. Your dedication to the Lord comes first, remember when the Lord spoke "if your eyes causes you to sin, plunk it out" . I know this will be hard. Seems that no one wants to take the hard road anymore and fearing the Lord and keeping his righteousness is the only way to go. You can do it, when you make the decision to do what the bible says to do. It never states that the second marriage is a marriage at all, it lables it only as adultry.
---see_me on 1/3/11

Just a suggestion as I dont think you spoke about it, but have you both apologised to your ex-spouses and your children for the damage you both caused?

Admitting to them you did wrong with your adultery would be a start. It might be a good example to your children as well as they are adults now and maybe considering marriage.
---Haz27 on 12/22/10

seeking counsel is a good suggestion...only seek Godly counsel. be alone and seek wisdom from Godly women. Nancy Leigh DeMoss is a very good teacher to women for family, and June Hunt is good at matters of the heart.

most counselors of the day are trained in how God serves me and they tend to turn anything into "spiritual adultery".

seek God first. take your time. be careful. i think this may not be about the latter or the former. there is apparent burden that you have carried (known or unknown) even before both marriages.
---aka on 12/22/10

My current husband is not abusive. I have been to many Christian counselors and all say the same, that my sin is forgiven and I need to focus on making this marriage work. It would work alot better if I could get over how it started. I know God forgives but I feel like I live in an adulterous situation and I don't think any amount of counseling will change that. I only want to serve and please God and I don't want to divorce and make another mistake. I think I might do a trial seperation so I can be alone for a while and seek God.
---Julie on 12/22/10

//unless there is abuse or infidelity. The latter husband has not committed adultery//

are you in an abusive relationship?
---aka on 12/22/10

King David also committed adultery and God chastised him. His punishment had long lasting consequences. But, God still loved him.

Whilst Mark 10:12 describes marriage after divorce as adultery, there is no scripture I'm aware of that explains what to do in such cases.

We all have at some time given in to satan's temptation and suffer the consequences for it. Importantly though God still loves you.
---Haz27 on 12/22/10

You are stuck! What you need to do is talk with a Christian Marriage Counselor. (It should be one that does not know either your present or past husband, or previous knowledge of you!)
---wivv on 12/21/10


On top of the advice you've been given to seek forgiveness from the Father, your former spouse(s) and to forgive yourself, I'd like to also suggest that you consider counseling. You sound as though you're in a miserable place right now, emotionally. Individual counseling may help and, if he's open to it, couple's counseling may help, too.

You've been given sound advice here, but some things are a bit more complicated than can be worked out on a message board. Find a counselor that is well-versed in the Word who can help you sort your feelings out and help you learn how to forgive yourself.
---AlwaysOn on 12/21/10

Whatever was the best thing to do (before the divorce and remarriage) is moot, because it can't be undone.

The only important part now is what is the best to do now - it is a question of whether God wants you to remain in that arriage, though it was begun wrongly, or that the two of you separate and live alone.

I am not wise enough to know for sure - remember David
---peter on 12/21/10

Thank you all for your responses. To address some, my attitude toward divorce is that it is a terrible thing and I wish it on noone unless there is abuse or infidelity. The latter husband has not committed adultery and I have 2 children with the first none with the second. As far as the person calling me a hypocrite, it may certainly appears that way. I know for sure that I am a child of God who also very imperfect. I have come to terms with what I have done and I hate it and I am not asking for sympathy. Believe me, I am reaping what I sowed as we all do.
---Julie on 12/21/10

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If you are following along with the responses below, you will find some very un-Christlike responses and some very good advice.

I have a sister in law who married a divorcee. She did so without a conviction that what she was doing was right and suffered a guilty conscience for years. When she finally came to grips with it she asked forgiveness for what she had done finally had peace.

You cannot unscramble eggs. Your situation is what it is. What can change is your heart. Clearly you are being convicted. The answer is ask for forgiveness. Read I John 1:9
---Bruce5656 on 12/21/10

Assuming you are a "Christian," is Christ first in your life, first things first?

There must be results of your decision that you reget. Those things that happened and are happening, do you view them as happening "to" you or "for" you?

God wants us to learn from our reproofs, not run from them. They happen for our good. They motivate us to put our trust totally on Him. They help us learn from our sin/mistakes.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look unto His wonderful face. Remember, pressure/stress should push us to Christ.
---Rod4Him on 12/21/10

Obviously you wouldn't come here if you were not burdened over what has transpired. You know what the scripture says: that if you divorce and remarry in adultery you are an adulterer.

What remains is to find out if your sin is forgiven, unfortunately no one in the world can tell you that. It's for you to get alone with God and seek a sure answer from him. The reality is that if God has never let his burden off of you for this sin what your calling a marriage is never what he considered it.

I am begging you however to be sure, don't even use what you understand to be true, hear from God once, fleece the issue to be sure if you must and when you know and have been shown do what God says and bury this once and for all. Peace to you
---Pharisee on 12/20/10

You must forgive yourself first. God has forgiven you but the devil will throw it up to you. You know what you did was wrong...but you are forgiven. I really think I would not dwell on anything except to make my marriage work. God bless
---shira3877 on 12/20/10

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You are a hypocrite passing for a christian. You did a terrible thing and now want someone to massage your sore spot. The coward you are married to now is no better than you are. I hope you come to terms with what you and he have done. Adultery is very devastating. This is why we are warned not to indulge in this evil. Things get out of hand really quickly. Nothing really good comes out of this. I feel no sympathy for you. What you sow you will surely reap.
---Robyn on 12/20/10

Julie, I feel so sorry for your situation. There's nothing like making a mistake and not being able to do much to change the outcome. This may sound odd, but it's good that you lack peace about your actions for this shows that you've matured enough to realize that what you did was wrong. A lot of people would continue to justify their actions and I don't hear you doing so. This is good!

The best that you can do now is to truly pour your heart out to the Father and ask His forgiveness. He loves you and will forgive you. You can't go back and undo your past, but offering a sincere apology to both former spouses may also help. Lastly, forgive yourself, learn from your mistake and sin no more.
---AlwaysOn on 12/20/10

maybe your lack of peace is not really in whether the marriage is right or wrong?

what is your attitude and thoughts of divorce now?

without putting all the modern reasons and rolling the into "spiritual adultery", has the latter husband committed adultery?

do you have children with either?
---aka on 12/20/10

I'm not sure what else you want to know but I do want opinions. I am a born again Christian and was when I had the affair. I have been to many counselors and they all say for me to stay in this marriage and make the most of it.
---Julie on 12/20/10

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are you sure you want to hear the plethora of opinions expressed here?

we do not how deep your roots and what they are embedded in, so our opinion will not help.

tell us some more, please.
---aka on 12/20/10

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