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Husband Is Too Old For Me

Husband 21 years older then me. I am in my prime now and he is old and worn out. Trapped in sexless marriage. What can I do?

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 ---Bambi on 1/6/11
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To the Mark_V and the Haz's on this blog who insist on not understanding where we are coming from, concerning our mates. Guess what? I don't care what you think. This is why pencils have erasers. Mistakes happen. No one begins marriage with the intent of divorcing. But who knows? People do all sorts of things these days. But most people,let me say, want their marriages to work. As time goes by hidden agendas come to the light and we are not happy. No one has to stay in a situation like that. Change it. But we do seek the Lord on everything in our lives and do things His way! We are not perfect beings. Far from it. God knows that.
---Bambi on 3/3/12

Mark_V: the Bambie's, erica's and camie's here remind me of a guy I know who also offered a very similar excuse for divorcing his wife.

This guy's justification sounds much like Bambie's and erica's so I'll use their words with slight changes to match his particular selfish excuse.

"I am in my prime now and she has become FAT/unattractive".
"I am resentful as heck and feel robbed that she let herself go and has become fat".
"I won't settle or refuse to let my life be taken away" with a fat/unattractive wife.

His excuse was very similar to Bambie's, erica's, camie's regarding their husbands.
Now I wonder if these ladies can recognize they are the same as this guy?
---Haz27 on 1/14/12

Haz, you are correct. It doesn't take much wisdom to dump a husband or a wife who do not put out, because they are older and maybe on meds. Some have gone as far as killing them just to find someone who can please them. just terrible blogs put up by so call Christians.
---Mark_V. on 1/12/12

Erica: You are much younger than I am.And I won't settle or refuse to let my life be taken away. My heart goes out to you also. Your husband is much younger and worn out so soon. This is worse. Please take care of your situation, too. Thank you for your wisdom.
---Bambi on 1/11/12

It would seem the likes of the Bambie's, erica's and camie's of this world are a product of the selfish/shallow culture we live in.
They may be Christians but they know little about Christianity and hence follow the world's ways in many respects.

It's better that such people should never marry and remain spinsters instead.
---Haz27 on 1/11/12

Bambie, if you are not asking permission, why did you ask, "What can I do?" Why don't you get together with Erica, she too says she is a Christian. Maybe both of you can help each other. Like both of you didn't know what you both were doing when you married these guys. Both of you have no one to blame but yourselfs.
---Mark_V. on 1/11/12

I feel for you. I am in the same boat. Mine is 18 years older and quit his job. Now he has health issues and no security. No sex, no happiness, just loads of drinking on his part. I am a Christian also and have been struggling, but I think its time to get a divorce. I am resentful as heck and feel robbed. And BTW, first marriage for me. I AM 39, he is 58 and we have been married one year and been intimate three times. I feel he is using me for lonliness only. Don't waste another moment of your life. Potential happy moments are slipping away. God wants to be happy. Wallowing in this depression only creates temporary mental illness, and for what?
---erica on 1/10/12

Mark_V: I am not asking permission o do anything. I am doing what everyone else here is doing. Sharing life situations and stories. Giving advice,posting comments. Sharing mostly. Is that a problem? I can do whatever I want, and I will, but I felt like posting it at this site. I do enjoy others opinions and viewpoints.
---Bambi on 1/8/12

//but I don't have many choices left. //

leave, nursing home, kindly and patiently wait for him to leave. are there anymore choices?

anyway...waiting for inheritance?...he hasn't died as early as expected. bummer!
---aka on 1/8/12

Bambie, why don't you just leave? Why do you need anyone's permission? No one here can stop what you have wanted to do for a long time now. You say, put him in a rest home, how can you? He seems to walk very well since he walk out you said. You sound like you are ready to kill him for not satisfying your sexual needs. You have a big problem alright, but it is sexual. Get some help.
---Mark_V. on 1/7/12

Hi everybody. I am still in this miserable marriage. No changes. He is getting worse and I am getting closer to making a decision to put him in a rest home or somewhere. Its 2012. Don't know what to do. Hate to see my marriage go down the tube after all these years but I don't have many choices left.
And yes---I am a christian. Very frustrated one, at that!
---Bambi on 1/6/12

Bambi and camie, are you Christians? Try reading God's word and learn from Him about love.

The world is full of people making similar justifications for ending their marriage.
Too fat, too old, not able to have children, the partner's health issues, doesn't buy me gifts, etc, etc.
An endless list of excuses for those who are just too selfish to love.

Try learning from God about love.
---Haz27 on 1/1/12

I know what you mean, i think i need to move on.
---camie on 12/30/11

Thanks Poopsey. Your comment is well received. Things are about the same. No change. When I bring the subject up to him, he avoids it by leaving the room,slamming a door, screaming and getting aggressive. Needless to say, an argument ensues. Big time.He tries to draw our son into it, to make me look like the bad guy or,try to shame me. Our son is 30 years old.
---Bambi on 3/28/11

Being intimate in a marriage is very important and age should not matter. My husband is also older than me but by only 9 years and not 21. However, you must take action on your own to fix this or else your unmet needs will cause you to be tempted.

I have a few suggestions:
Tell your husband how important this physical relationship still is to you. Maybe compromise on frequency but don't settle for a sexless marriage. If he has physical problems then slip him a pill in his soup and then initiate and take the prize. If all else fails then tell him how to satisfy you in alternative ways. Creativity goes a long way in this department. If he loves you he should be willing to please you no matter what his age.
---poopsey on 3/25/11

Robyn, it is not necessary to insult me. Nor, is it something a Spiritually mature person would do. It is usually something someone who has unresolved issues does to project anger.

I suggest you study the Bible, using Beth Moore's "Breaking Free" study to allow God to heal you, and help you break free of the bondage you are in.

Also, some professional therapy would not hurt.
---Trish9863 on 2/26/11

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Trish9863: Thanks for not addressing me or any of my posts. You need to sit back and learn anyway. This could be one of the best decisions you have ever made in your entire life...It takes a lot of discernment,anointing,vision and wisdom to help and encourage others. Clearly you are not there yet. Have a blessed day.
---Robyn on 2/24/11

"Hope your valentine's day went well. Mine did not. No hug, no handshake, nothing."
Bambi on 2/16
"My day was fantastic."
Bambi on 2/23
Well now Bambi which was it?
We can clearly see who has the problem in your relationship.
---Elder on 2/24/11

She said "Well hello everybody. Hope your valentine's day went well. Mine did not. No hug, no handshake, nothing!

Now she says "Boohoo Cluny: Who cares if my husband is interested in me or not. I only made a statement. My day was fantastic. His lost not mine"

Do you think Bambi may be playing with us?
---alan8566_of_uk on 2/24/11

Boohoo Cluny: Who cares if my husband is interested in me or not. I only made a statement. My day was fantastic. His lost not mine.
---Bambi on 2/23/11

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\\Well hello everybody. Hope your valentine's day went well. Mine did not. No hug, no handshake, nothing.
---Bambi on 2/16/11\\

And what did YOU give your husband on St. Valentine's day? A hug? Handshake? Something?

Do you complain about your husband to his face the same way you complain about him on here?

If so no wonder he's not interested in you!
---Cluny on 2/23/11

Robyn: I was not talking to you, unless you are Bambi. I try to avoid addressing you. Please do the same with me.
---Trish9863 on 2/22/11

Bambi -- The man is in his mid-seventies. Could be he is UNABLE, not unwilling, to perform as he did when you were first married. You think he wants it this way? Do you ever sit down and talk together about this? Probably not. You don't seem interested in what HE feels.

You loved him once.. years ago when he was a "stud"! There may even be ways to improve things, now...but if you dismiss him as "old and worn out" you will never find out.
---Donna66 on 2/21/11

"Well hello everybody. Hope your valentine's day went well. Mine did not. No hug, no handshake, nothing."
Oh yea? Well how many did you give out?
---Elder on 2/21/11

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Huh? Bambi Boo Hoo? Oh well.
Hey Bambi you remind me of the movie The Wizard of Oz. Reading you makes me think of the Tin Man and Scarecrow. Yep, you have no heart or brain. You need to seek one from Christ.
You had no problem marrying the "Old Man." You got something you wanted then. I am sure that someone warned you of the age difference then. So..... quitchabellyacken!
---Elder on 2/21/11

Bambi--Boo Hoo. I haven't received a Valentine in...probably 40 years... and, you know what? It doesn't bother me at all.

Maybe you'd be happier if you revised your expectations a little...not just about Valentines Day.
Life and marriage are not made up of Hallmark moments.
---Donna66 on 2/20/11

Bambi: I was married to a man who did not celebrate Valentines Day. I spent 25 years feeling put out because I was giving and loving, and he gave me nothing. My expectations were never met, and I was miserable because of it. What I would not give to go back in time and change all that today. He left me, and I have nobody to send me Valentines now.

1 Corinthians 13 describes genuine love. It does not expect anything in return. We are commanded to love one another that way. If you want to be in God's will, you need to do that. That means, love and give without expecting anything in return.

That is the way Jesus loves you. He gave up His life for you. The least you can do is love your husband sacrificially as well.
---Trish9863 on 2/19/11

I did give my spouse something for Valentines Day, if you must know, Trish.Not just him but others also. And if people would be honest they will admit they are self-absorbed, also. This is the reason why the world is in such a bad shape these days. Everyone is concerned about their own needs and care less about meeting others. I give a lot and do expect to receive. Does not matter though. They day went fairly well, anyway. I received more than enough gifts,cards.
---Robyn on 2/18/11

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Bambi: You are self-absorbed, and focused on yourself.

Has your husband had a physical lately? If not, he needs to get one.

As for your Valentines day, so what? What did you do for your husband? Did you get him anything? Are you praying for him?

Get into a women's Bible study, and get a woman to disciple you. Buy Stormie O'Martian's book, "The Power of a Praying Wife," and get the focus off of you, and onto the Lord.
---Trish on 2/17/11

Well hello everybody. Hope your valentine's day went well. Mine did not. No hug, no handshake, nothing.
---Bambi on 2/16/11

Bambi: 'cannot and does not try to meet your needs'

I meet SO MANY people who claim something is their NEED when it is only their desire

If he CANNOT, then, if it was a traditional Christian marriage, you accepted the 'in health and sickness' and you canconsider this as a sickness

Does not try: how are you so sure?
---James on 2/2/11

Yes Bambi, "When the loving cease, you are pretty much dead"

It seems you have stopped loving.
---alan8566_of_uk on 2/2/11

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Bambi: All I hear from you is "Me, Me, Me." What about your husband's needs? Are you doing anything to meet his needs? Marriage is about giving, not getting. If you only think about your needs, you will be very lonely as you go through the rest of your life. Being a Christian should mean something to you.
---Trish9863 on 2/2/11

Bambi: It is not only beer, though that may be part of it. Mid 70s is quite old.... and many med age faster than women!
---Peter on 2/2/11

To a: Where is the inconsistency? One's mind can change. We always have options.I don't need to marry to have a companion. Or I may choose to just date. Right now I am frustrated with marriage and dating.This is how I feel, right now. But it is better to be alone, than to be with another person who cannot and does not try to meet your needs. This is very important in marriage. When the loving cease, you are pretty much dead.
---Bambi on 2/2/11

Bambi, if your husband consumes a lot of alcohol, that is probably the source of his diminished libido. Attending Al-Anon could help you learn to cope with his excessive drinking.
---Trish9863 on 2/1/11

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I am in my mid 50's and he is mid 70's.He is pretty good health and so am I. He is very stubborn sometimes but other times he is reasonable.I am stubborn,too but am willing to work things out. We have never had these type problems before. He drinks a lot of alcohol(beer)and this could be the source of a lot of the problem.
---Bambi on 2/1/11

Thanks for your response Bambi. May i suggest something more? Is it possible for the 2 of you to discuss this "sexless part" together in a calm & cool atmosphere and even pray together on it? I believe God has a solution for you.
---Adetunji on 2/1/11

Adetunjuii: Attitude determines a lot in our lives. Both good and bad.Regardless of his or my attitude,this will have to be worked out. Or else someone will be in a worse attitude.
---Bambi on 1/31/11

Bambi: Do you know that the attitude/mentality of a spouse can be a turn-off or turn-on for his/her mate? The Christian choice you have is to try and re-ignite your union prayerfully. It is God that puts sweetness in any marriage, but if the 2 of you have forsaken God, go back to Him, do not wait for your husband.
---Adetunji on 1/31/11

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bambi ... In your question you complained about being trapped in a sexless marriage.

Now You say you're not sure you want to marry or even date again.

Surely there is some inconstancy there?
---a on 1/30/11

Bambi: how old is he? (or you, for that matter)

I cannot see a good Christian 'logic' for you, except staying and putting up with it

Yes, my wife also is more interested in such things than I (we have 4 years age difference) but I assume in 10 years it will be the opposite!
---Peter on 1/30/11

I wonder if after your well earned divorce and you can by no means Divorce, know after you.... look, fine, fit and as the day is bright beautiful and wonderfully, suitably.......

1Corinthian 7,

So MUST you or reconcile?
---carlao_considder_falling_back_in_love_wi on 1/13/11

Bambi, teh first thing I would ask you before calling you self righteous is: Are you saved? Are you a Christian? Is your Husband a Christian? If you say yes, HOW do you know you are a christian. Does your life show evidence you are? Is your love superficial or spiritual?

If you say, no you are not saved, THEN I would say, THAT is the problem.
---kathr4453 on 1/13/11

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Mark V: I am not interested in anyone else. I am not even sure if I ever want to be married again.Or ever date again. I realize I am getting older too. He is a wonderful husband in other ways. But my worst nightmare has come true. I use to dream about this when I was young. I would rather no man at all, then be in a relationship of this nature.
---Bambi on 1/13/11

Bambi, I use to council many marriage couples. The one thing I use to hear was, that when women begin to lose weight, start dressing up, they begin to feel better about themselves. They notice other man checking them out. They begin to get attention that they didn't get before, and most of them begin to want out of their relationship because their husbands or not good enough anymore and getting old. Their husbands were good enough when they were fat, not good anymore. In your case you were young when you married him, but now that he is old and worn out you want to get rid of him to get pleasure from someone else.
---Mark_V. on 1/13/11

MarkV: The wording of the topics are sometimes changed by the moderators or whomever edit the questions. I only give the basic question. They do the editing. What that means is: they use the wording they want to use. Ok. But the question is basically what I wanted to say.
---Bambi on 1/12/11

I have always been a woman who has kept herself up, in good shape and no slouch in anyone's book. That is the problem. Neither was he and does not have to be now. He is his own worse enemy. He seems to be giving up on life because he is getting older. He use to be the best dresser, entertaining the whole 9 yards. I am not ready to give up.
---Bambi on 1/12/11

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MarkV ... You put it very strongly, but you are right.

Bambi ... you have now reached the prime of life, and you conseder yourself to be "looking better than you ever have,more confident, more sensual/sexual"

Now who has helped you develop into this person? Who has stood by you when you were shy and quiet, were not so good looking, when you were no sensual and sexy? Who had to put up with you then?

Yes, this man whom now you selfishly with to cast aside
---alan8566_of_uk on 1/12/11

Bambi, I cannot believe how you quoted the blog. You sound to me like you are very self-righteous, when you say he is old and worn out, and you are trapped in your marriage and want someone to help you with Scripture so that you can fulfill the lust that is driving you mad. Sorry, there is no pity here. Your attitude towards your husband is so wrong. You must have met someone younger out there and want an excuse to get out of your marriage. Your fruits as so wrong. Your lust is driving you to sin and you want to justify it by getting someone's approval.
---Mark_V. on 1/12/11

Age is one thing but today there are drugs, like viagra, cialis, and levitra that can correct a man's sexual problems, howbeit, there are often health problems that older man may have which may prevent maximum performance.

I would suggest that you present the problem to your husband and get him to take advantage of medical help.

On the other hand, maybe age is not the problem but your lack of attraction. Some women I know weighing in overe 350 pounds simply would turn anyone off.
---billyj on 1/11/11

you need to discuss this with your husband and close female friend not own a blog post. This is called gossip.
Infedility is not an excuse for divorce. The bible says that "...she will BECOME an adultress after divorce except after infedility" because she is already one. policy is for man also.
---Scott on 1/11/11

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The prime of life means: you are at your best. In most areas of your life. It could mean looking better than you ever have,more confident, more sensual/sexual. Can mean different things to different people. I am in my 50's.
---Bambi on 1/11/11

i could be wrong but the last time 'backslide' is mentioned is in Hosea.

there is no witness to it beyond. if you slide forward in true Spirit, you cannot backslide.

baptism in water, church membership, and the 'simmer's prayer' cannot save you.
---aka on 1/11/11

Tommy thanks but I was refering to the New Testament. Tammy is just making excuses. She is trying to qualify her sin. Some think "backsliding" is not as bad as sinning.
She is thinking of herself more highly than she should.
Her sin/backsliding now is that she doesn't care what the Bible teaches. She is looking for a way out because the glitter or riches are gone. He husband would probably be better off without her unless she changes.
---Elder on 1/11/11

The "problem" here seems to be that "Bambi" is operating on the usual interpretation of Love, meaning, I will love you as long as you do something for me. This is an incorrect interpretation of what love is supposed to be. Love is an action, not a feeling. When we truly love someone, we seek what is in THEIR best interest, not our best interest. We make SACRIFICES for them, not make them sacrifice for us. Elder, I know you read your Bible, have you never read Hosea 4:16 where the LORD refers to Israel as a "backsliding heifer?"
---tommy3007 on 1/11/11

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It takes time to become a good old peach:
first there's that cute little buddy, so-o-o fuzzy (c:
then the green teen not exactly mature,
and even in our middle years
we can be oh-so colorful
in all that peachlight coming down around us,
and yet, we're still going to get
at least a little bit bitter and sour, deep-down inside.
Because we need to go through some heat of the summer
before we can reach a ripe old age,
but then is when we can get sweeter and sweeter
and even more and more juicy (c:
because we made that commitment to l-e-a-r-n how to love.
"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me,
for I am gentle and lowly in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.'" (Matthew 11:29)
---Bill_willa6989 on 1/9/11

Whether or not you, or both of you, were backslid, or real Christians at the time of your marriage is nothing to do with the case.

You can only be free if he commits adultery (which seems unlikely from your story!) or if you are a Christian and he is not, and he wants to leave you

I support what everyone else has said ... I just pray you accept the advice we give.

You should stay with him, remember your marriage vows, and honour him, and pray for yourself, that you be worthy of him, and of God.
---alan8566_of_uk on 1/9/11

Bambi, Really the most important thing here is your soul. Primarily your relationship with GOD. Please, be sure to truly WANT and seek GOD's Counsel in this. GOD hates Divorce. But, the Scriptures allow divorce if your spouse were to willingly commit Adultery. And, I Corinthians 7 speaks alot about the Marriage covenant. And, these Scriptures do say that, if the unbelieving spouse willingly wants to part from the believing spouse, they may do so. For, Christians are not really to be "unequally yoked". But, if your spouse does love you, who knows that they may be saved by your living testimony.
---Gordon on 1/9/11

Repent: for marriage is not about age, nor about sex: but about one flesh, and one family.
---Eloy on 1/9/11

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"I am a christian but I married when I was back slid." Bambi
This changes nothing now. It sure sounds like you are "Back slid" now. I have never seen this term in the Bible.
What I do know is that this is the wrong place to gain support for doing what you want to do.
I have found that when we are in error in one part of God's Word we also are in error in other parts.
You have a lot of self-correcting to do.
Your man is an old husband, you are a poor wife. I'd rather be old......
---Elder on 1/8/11

Bambi, your husband's spiritual condition is not in question here. Yours is. Your attitude is in need of a Spiritual overhaul, and you need to get some guidance from a mature Christian woman who can guide you in learning how to be a wife.
---Trish9863 on 1/8/11

I am a christian but I married when I was back slid. He went to church a few times with me. But he was back slid also. He said the sinners prayer a few years ago but that was it. He never did anything else after that. Did not join church,get baptised.Nothing.
---Bambi on 1/8/11

Start attending a Women's Bible Study and fellowship with other women, and seek out a mature woman who can be a discipler for you. Start studying God's Word, and get your priorities in line with Scripture. Confide in this woman and get her guidance on how to change your attitude and thinking about your husband, and your marriage.
---Trish on 1/7/11

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You did not consider this age difference before you two got married? You married your husband for better or for worse. Just love him. Make the best of it. Too many people making too many lame excuses to get divorced today. Please, for your own sake, don't be one of them. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
---Gordon on 1/7/11

Not being mean when I ask this, but did you not do the math before you married him? We get old and when we do we get tried, and have less interest!
---a_friend on 1/6/11

First I'd suggest you find out from a reliable source what marriage is all about.
Then I'd like to know, did he get this much older than you last night or was it the same as when you were willing for him to be your husband?
You have a bigger problem than your husband does.
The reference to you getting "toys" is suggesting sin. Forget that and be the wife you promised to be.
---Elder on 1/6/11

Oh well.....I guess your best bet is buying some toys for your personal enjoyment.

But on a serious note, you should have thought about his "age" when you married him. You made your choice. Don't be a whiny cry baby now!

In IC.XC.,
---Ignatius on 1/6/11

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Darlene ... "You made your bed so lie in it" We also say this in the UK!

What does "in the prime of life" mean. Bambi could say that of herself at age 65. That would make her husband 86, and perhaps at that age he is too old to perform sexually.

We marry, for "better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part"

That is what love is.
---alan8566_of_uk on 1/6/11

There's a fine line to walk here, according to scripture he's not supposed to deny you, but then again according to scripture you are to deny yourself to follow Christ.

Now that doesn't mean neglect yourself with total abandon because you'll slip from that path and commit a worse sin then if you had pushed too much in the first place. There are medications designed to stimulate the male libedo, if that's not on the table for you try a natural supplementation, and get him into some light strength training, it forces hormone production.
---Pharisee on 1/6/11

My response is two-pronged:

1. God's word says we can only divorce on grounds of infidelity. (Mtt:3133). And if this lady is contemplating getting married to a younger one, the Word says that can only happen once the other spouse dies (1Cor:7).

2. Practically, people should also consider age difference when getting married.

---faraicis on 1/6/11

Too bad.

You should have thought of that eventuality when you married him.
---Cluny on 1/6/11

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What can you do?

Well, there are two things:

A: You can leave him and pursue your own self interests. Be aware, however, that although the world says that doing so is legal and socially acceptable, this is not God's will for marriage and there may be dire consequences.


B: You can take Darlene's advice below.

Either way, you do have a choice. Note that there wasn't a "C" option for complaining about it and wallowing in a self-imposed "self-pity". I don't say this to be harsh, but to illustrate for you that you do have valid choices. No sense in complaining when you have the opportunity to make a (hopefully positive) change.
---AlwaysOn on 1/6/11

Maybe I'm reading between the lines and seeing something that's not there, but it seems there is more going on besides a "sexless marriage".
---wivv on 1/6/11

Your husband is the same years older than you that he was when you married him. You made your bed so lie in it,is an old adage people say in the South,and I think it is good advice. There was a case like this in our own family. When the husband got old and sick the younger woman divorced him and remarried a younger man. I think thats one of the meanest things a woman can do,just throw away the man who had been good to her and loved her,gave her children. By the way if he is old and worn out wasn't it you who wore him out? Build a stronger emotional bond between you and him based on love. Love can find a way to express itself physically in spite of age. What you do is thank God for him,be faithful and kind,do the job you signed up to do for life.
---Darlene_1 on 1/6/11

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