Depressed Wife Divorced
11 years ago, my wife decided to divorce me, as she was depressed and needed a way out. Later I remarried, but I don't know if this marriage (the one now) is Godly or not. What should I do?
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---Peter on 9/11/11
Helpful Blog Vote (11)
There are some variables to considered before I can give a complete answer. 1. What caused her depression? If this is not corrected, it could happen again, especially if the divorce was a result of depression. 2. Did either of you marry someone else in those years you were divorced? If either of you re-married, than this is not a Godly marriage. If neither of you re-married, than it is Godly. But, the depression situation has to addressed and fixed. See a medical doctor, since you asked for advice, this is mine.
---wivv on 12/2/11|
Robyn: I am already in what you may call 'counseling' but with my pastor, not a professional counselor.
I posted this not to blame, though I see many took it that way bad wording on my side) but to ask for help
---Peter on 11/2/11|
John: It seems that my second marriage is actually going well. I am concerned about whether I made a mistake in remarrying. The rest is not a question now for me
---Peter on 11/2/11|
What does the Holy Law say about the man taking another wife, does it say he's committing adultery, or that he'd better be as good a husband with the 2nd as the first? Read Deuteronomy 24.1-4 & Ex 20.10 You need to find out what you did though so as not to run your other wife away. For it often is the man's fault, more often than not in the bedroom or he let her control him without knowing it, etc. If you marry again, Paul says just make sure it isn't with an unbeliever. Also read Martin Luther's sermons on marriage. He gives free & great insight where marriage counseling may take months and chunks of money to discover.
---John on 10/30/11|
Peter you are clearly in need of marriage/ guidance counseling. You should have done this before you jumped into the new marriage. You want to blame your exwife for everything. That is evident in your post. But that is not true. You contributed to the downfall of your marriage also. You need to face that and admit it. Then you will begin to heal and see where you need to make improvements to yourself,usually. Counseling/therapy will do this for you. You must stop blaming your wife and others and begin to fix....You! Then your marriage will begin to take on a new life and meaning. Marrying for the sake of marriage is destructive!
---Robyn on 10/24/11|
Trish: I am inclined to agree with you. But I felt it good, since I always feel that I have not done what was right, to check it out here as well.
Thanks to all the people who posted here, I will keep reading any new comments.
---Peter on 10/18/11|
Peter, now that you are married, it would be sin to end this marriage as well. It is best to remain as you are, as Paul the apostle says, and honor God with this marriage. Do everything to be the Godly husband God would have you be.
---Trish on 10/14/11|
Nana: 'So Peter, the
mistake was in marrying the loose cannon'
That I also agree with, and I should really have listed that first. I see that most people are very helpful here, thought there are some differences of opinion.
Rhonda: While the question of financial is PROBABLY why Jesus said about 'causes her to become an adultress', that was not my case.
I COULD have stayed single, but I feel I made a mistake by remarrying - I did not actually have to.
That is why I posted this blog.
---Peter on 10/14/11|
"Jesus never said if a spouse walks away, the other one is free to remarry - where is THAT in scripture? It isn't in there and you are adding to the word of God, or rather DISTORTING it and the book of Revelation said there is a place in hell for people who do this."
---anon on 9/12/11
Suppose the one who left is the main financial support of the family.
1 Timothy 5:8 "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel."Furthermore, Corinthians 7:12_15 now applies, for one who has denied the faith is to be counted with the unbelievers.
we all have our roles and whom recinds them has denied the faith.
---Nana on 10/14/11|
Regardless of jurisdiction, men with "a wife in every port" do not tell any wife about the others. Even if polygamy is allowed, marrying wives 2-5 without telling them perpetrates a fraud on those wives.
Marriage has always involved a covenant (contract). Convenants and contracts entered into under false pretenses are invalid on thier faces, so marriages 2-5 never actually took place, even if the husband pretended they did.
If the husband had informed wives 2-5, it would be a different. Then, it would just be fraud against the state. With respect to God, it would depend on whether God permits polygamy or not (he did in the Old Testament, and there is no explicit revocation of that in the New.)
---StrongAxe on 10/14/11|
I believe the discussion is not about US law but the interpretation of God's law. I am all up for people " to really marry for the first time". The scenario is for those who make a burden and a prison for their brothers and sisters, not understanding that sometimes people are even misled into a twisted marriage proper.
---Nana on 10/13/11|
Under U.S. Law, it is illegal for a married man to remarry without getting a divorce. So wives #2-5 are not his wives at all, since those marriages were entered into by fraud both against the state and against his wives. Since they were never really his wives in the first place, they are free to remarry (actually, to really marry for the first time).
Food buffets are very popular these days. The buffet mentality is also popular in religion. Many people cherry-pick which verses to believe and which ones to ignore. (This is also true with New Age and neo-paganism. People pick which things to believe, and make their own custom religions to suit their own personal tastes.)
---StrongAxe on 10/13/11|
Rhonda, can you please give the scripture reference where Jesus said this? ...Because this is ERRONEOUS teaching you are putting out there.
WHERE does Holy Scripture STATE ANYONE must pay for anothers sins? - I'll help you out - it doesn't
counterfeit christianity condemns a married person whose spouse has walked away and divorced them ...the false christian churches are the ones who have SOLD mankind on the abomination and LIE they must remain unmarried for the rest of their lives and PAY for their spouses sins
Holy Scripture DOES NOT make this claim - fact is there is not ONE Scripture anyone can USE to imply that warped very sick idea that a spouse cannot remarry if their spouses walks away
---Rhonda on 10/13/11|
"I accept it was a mistake to remarry"
Peter on 10/12/11
Go to cross the street and get run over by a bus...
It is not a mistake to get well, the mistake was in
crossing the street when you did. So Peter, the
mistake was in marrying the loose cannon that
turned out to be your first wife... She left, was
not pleased to dwell with you.
A man had 1 wife in 5 different states. One finds
out and separates from him. Should she wait for
him to get his head screwed on tight? Is the fellow
her husband rightfully? Does it matter if she is wife
#1 or #5? No chance for remarriage for the other 4?
---Nana on 10/13/11|
StrongAxe: I know the verse, from Corinthians.
My ex spouse, however, mantained a general 'Christian' belief, but refused to accept that one statement (no divorce) - and a few other ones, as well. But she did maintain the belief in Christ's death, ressurection, etc etc
I was unsure what that meant - it is not mentioned, as the commandments were to those who folllow them in their entirety.
---Peter on 10/13/11|
Paul said that if an unbelieving spouse wanted out, the believing spouse was free to remarry.
---StrongAxe on 10/12/11|
Poppa Bear: Sorry if I should that way. Actually, my great hope is that I MUST NOT!!!!
But some fears come to my mind, that my current marriage is not good.
That is why I ask you, to see if you can help me lay these fears to rest. I may be leading people on, but that is only to make sure that there is no workable thing anyone can give me to do.
I accept it was a mistake to remarry, but I am not trying to find out what I should do now!
Sorry if I seem to be giving strange statements, really!
---Peter on 10/12/11|
StrongAxe: Comment taken. Nonetheless, the blame is (strangely) put on the second husband. I can't see a reason for that, and this whole matter is becoming hard for me.
But back to the real question: Returning to the wife who left me is impossible (she does not want to) - if that was possible there is NO WAY I could have remarried
But is what I do (to remain remarried) the right thing to do?
I hope so, but am never sure
---Peter on 10/12/11|
Your first wife left you because of depression. I don't have all of the facts but marriage is enough to depress anybody,these days. So many selfish people messing up others lives. It is best to separate when things get to bad. No amount of work is going to repair something that is beyond repair. Or needs to much work to patch back up. Best to leave the mess and start all over...again.
---Robyn on 10/12/11|
I sure hope not Mark, because it would be a hard way to go and may start a dangerous pattern. I understand that it can be a struggle, but something just doesn't stick right for me. I pray for him to find his way in this and to hold on to God like Jacob held onto that Angel/Christofany with all his strength and all his faith, because this could be a pivitle passage in his spiritual life that may set his face towards the Father or away from His grace.
In His loving grip Beloved.
---Poppa_Bear on 10/11/11|
You said: Mat 19 does not list what the wife should do if her husband puts her away.
"And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery."
While this does not say what she should do, it does say what she should NOT do.
---StrongAxe on 10/11/11|
Pappa Bear, I thought the very same thing and asked him and he told me he was not looking for a way out and that he knew why we understood it that way. It very much looked as if he was trying to justify his leaving this wife to go back to the other. But I guess he said no.
---Mark_V. on 10/11/11|
Peter, I hate to say this and sound insensitive, but it really, really, really sounds like you are looking to justify leaving your current wife. I really feel for you, and your unfortunate wife. So, heres a scenario, you divorce this one, cant go back to the other and then what, would you stay single forever? Sounds very doubtful you could do that, you would most likely start turning all these versus around to justify another wife down the road, you need to go to God and ask Him to show you your heart, to see where your discontentment lies before you start damaging peoples lives. Just trying to give you some tuff love talk.
In His loving grip
---Poppa_Bear on 10/10/11|
Carla: You are right about that verse (Mat 19.9). But that says 'Whosoever shall put away his wife'. Now I DID NOT put away my wife. In fact, it was my ex wife who put me away.
Mat 19 does not list what the wife should do if her husband puts her away. In Mark 10, it says if a woman divorces her husband and marries another (like in Matt 19).
But the question of what the one who is put away should do appears only for the spouse of the one who is put away (Matt 19). The one who is put away appears (VERY STRANGELY) not to be accused
Any ideas? The Bible only accuses the one WHY DIVORCES - not the one who IS DIVORCED BY his/her SPOUSE
---peter_3594 on 10/9/11|
1) to commit fornication, be a harlot, play the harlot
1) to be a harlot, act as a harlot, commit fornication
2) to commit adultery
3) to be a cult prostitute
4) to be unfaithful (to God) (fig.)
b) (Pual) to play the harlot
1) to cause to commit adultery
2) to force into prostitution
3) to commit fornication
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, EXCEPT [it be] for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
---Carla on 10/6/11|
Nana and Trish,
Thanks for your support. I have tried to do now what is right. However, somewhere there remains an uncertainty as to whether this (staying within this marriage) is actually good.
I put this blog because I was not sure, but also I did not see anything better to do.
Making the marriage as it is, even one entered in error, a God fearing and serving marriage, was also the best I could see.
But I needed some confirmation.
---Peter on 10/5/11|
Peter: You ask, what do you do now?
As I understand it, you stay married to your current wife, and make it a God honoring marriage.
---Trish on 10/5/11|
"If people don't accept the written word do so... encourage others to do so is like taking calling good evil and evil good. "
---Carla on 10/3/11
Yeah, and some people use the word of God for evil. Does it not say Acts 20:29 "For I know this, that after my departing
shall grievous wolves enter in among you, not sparing the flock." There are some men and women who enter into marriage
while all the while they were wolves in sheeps clothing. It is evil to hold a brother or a sister bound to such.
John 7:51 "Doth our law judge any man, before it hear him, and know what he doeth?"
Peter, just serve the Lord right where you are.
---Nana on 10/5/11|
Good questions, Carla. I learned that before we married, she had been in a sexual relationship with a friend of hers, that she continued after we were dating, but before we married.
I challenged her and told her that I did not want her going to visit him, as she was doing even after we married.
At this point, she started proceedings to divorce me
Any more comments now?
That I should not have remarried, I know, but again, the question is what do I do NOW?
---Peter on 10/4/11|
If the sole reason you left your wife was because she wanted you out rather than you committed a sexual sin or she committed a sexual sin then the issues need to be aired to be specific where the word is concerned.
If she committed a sexual sin you can marry without been called an adulterer, however if you committed a sexual sin she can leave you but divorce you you are still her husband she is to remain Single or reconcile. 1Corinthians 7, Matthew 5:28, Romans 7,
If people don't accept the written word do so... encourage others to do so is like taking calling good evil and evil good.
---Carla on 10/3/11|
Since you have already been divorced now with your 1st wife and you already remarried,make the most out of the relationship that you have right now.Get over your past,God has already forgiven you.Do your best to make things right now with your present relationship.
---mj on 10/3/11|
I remember that somewhere, I don't remember where.....
I just do not know what to do any more. It seems to me that whatever I do now will be wrong. Staying with my current wife is certainly what I would PREFER to do - but when it is what I PREFER, it may also NOT be the CORRECT thing to do!
The fact that my ex wife was making fun of me trying to stay in that marriage makes me wonder (and that is why I remarried) which side of the discussion in Corinthians dealt with me - the side discussing staying with a beleiving spouse or the part about an unbeleiving spouse leaving (what to do is different).
Please contact me, for I de need help in this!
---peter3594 on 10/3/11|
Many years ago, I heard a preacher give this wise advice. Stay with your current wife, and make it work. You can't unscramble an egg.
There is a verse in the Old Testament that says to return to a former wife, after marrying another, is an abomination.
---Trish on 10/2/11|
Carla: This is what I am concerned about, and thank you for being clear about it!
My ex wife has permanently refused to come back to me, and for some reason believes (I can,t understand why) that God WANTED her to leave me.
But for me the question is not whether to get back with her. The question is what to do with my current marriage
That I HAVE SINNED, I understand. My current question is what to do now?
---peter_3594 on 10/1/11|
Carla: As my last comment was not published, I'd like to say that you tell me what I am concerned about....
What I was trying to do is what you tell me to do: find my former wife. She still maintains that God wanted her to divorce me, and now makes fun of me for trying to remake the marriage
I just mention it because one of your recommendations is something I've been trying to do.
As my ex refuses to return to the marriage, which is what she does. What do I do with my current marriage?
If you want to talk more personally, you can find me by looking: Location: Greece, reason: friendship - there are very few people here from Greece, so you can find me very easily
I really need some help with what to do
---peter_3594 on 10/2/11|
Your wife is your wife until death you can marry a million times over you will answer to god for your fornication and in your case your adultery with this other women.
lay aside all these evil doers who ask you to forget your wife......
You simply cannot, here's what you do think about where your soul will end up if you continue to commit Adultery?
And make it right with God, pray for your healing and when you are free from the guilt find your wife and start again this time get saved both of you, work it out.
One wife. on church. one God, one spirit, one salvation. ignore the people who love the polygamist argument (Their all married with ONE wife)!!!!
---Carla on 9/30/11|
Mark V: Thanks for all your support!
---Peter on 9/27/11|
Peter, I'm glad you were not thinking of backing out. About what you worry about, you cannot change. We all have made hundreds of bad choices in life. We all fail. But those things cannot be change ever again, many times when we try, we commit sin again. Christ, your Advocate, has cleansed you with His blood.
"My little children, these things I write to you, so that you may not sin. And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. And He Himself is the propitiation for our sins...," ( 1 John 2:1,2).
---Mark_V. on 9/27/11|
Mark V: I am not trying to back out, though I know what you mean, it may look that way. I am just concerned that I may have made a mistake......
Perhaps I am just overly concerned, and you are right, there isn't actually anything I can DO about it now.
This is, in a way, a method for me to confess that I probably made a mistake. We are told to confess ur sins to our siblings in Christ, and perhaps this is a way for me to confess before you that I made a mistake.
Now, of course I work to make my current marriage go well, but if there was an error in the past, it would be better to admit that
---Peter on 9/26/11|
Peter do you love your new wife? if yes stop thinking above your ex and take care of your wife love her as christ love the church.
---vicky on 9/21/11|
Peter, Papa bear had the best answers but you did not respond to them so I say now that Karen D has great answers also and what she said is true. You say you still have a burden, it seems you are trying to back out and are looking for justification. If you are honest can you tells us if you are still in love with your ex? Maybe you are looking for an excuse to get back with her. You should put her in the past. What is done is done, you cannot make the same mistake again. Why make a vow?
---Mark_V. on 9/14/11|
KarenD: Yes, she is still single.
But you know, sometimes one has a burden one thinks is probably not from God, but one (like myself) may still be concerned that this burden (the thought my remarriage may not be right) may actually be correct.
So I posted this blog......
---Peter on 9/14/11|
Peter....One thing you need to stop doing is thinking so much about your ex-wife and about whether or not your current marriage is is Godly or not. Would two wrongs make a right? Let me guess! Your ex-wife is now single again.
---KarenD on 9/13/11|
see you there then
---andy3996 on 9/13/11|
Thanks for all the comments. I don't know if you mean by X my current wife, but I'll answer for her
She means a lot to me, and I only ask this question because, on the one hand, I want to be with her, but I also fear that after the previous divorce, my current marriage may not be God's will. In my mind, I hope that this marriage is God's will, but I have some fears that in fact I'm not doing His will
But yes, my current marriage, and my current wife, are both very important to me
It may be easier to chat on the penpals thing - my 'nome' is peter3594, and you can find me by checking 'Greece' and 'friendship'
---Peter on 9/13/11|
Peter, this is from the heart, but how important is X for you?
the bible does say that it is better to have your own partner then to burn (1 Corinthians 7) and however the bible also says that after divorce the person should stay free, it is recognised that indeed the flesh is weak
your particular case, demands for you to stay away from every office in church.(1Tim3)
so this has become a divine restriction in your life. next to that, God has no particularities for you. the last thing you should do is that after your first left you, to send away the present wife because of guilty feelings.
---andy3996 on 9/13/11|
Gods will? Well, we know God hates divorce, so if you are looking for a way to exit this second marriage, pray hard, wrestle with the word, get Godly counsel and ask the Lord to show you whats going on in your heart. You put your hand to the plow and have a commitment to keep biblically. Pleas dont buckle and run. Dont fall into the lie that says, Oh, God wouldnt want me to be unhappy in this marriage. Jesus came to save us from our sins and restore us to right relations to God , not tickle our toes, rub our belly when we are feeling down and neglected. The clearer our picture is of God, the more we can love the unlovable like Christ did. Seek His face and not your earthly happiness and you will find joy that surpasses warm fuzzy feelings.
---Poppa_Bear on 9/12/11|
andy3996: Actually I was a Christian, but it seems my wife during her depression was unable to follow what God wanted.
I feel, though, that my remarriage was not God's will, though at the time I felt, like Rhonda mentions, that I could because my wife left me
Now, I'm not sure
Your ideas, please?
---Peter on 9/12/11|
Peter, am i correct in thinking that before (during the divorce) you where not a believer and now you have come to embrace Christ's salvationplan?
just follow what i said, but serve christ in witnessing, supporting, giving encouraging and the likes and know that what is in your life now was ordained by God for HIS glory.
---andy3996 on 9/12/11|
1 Cor 7, 9-15 is the section on a spouce leaving. husband, you need to Walk in the Lords strength and not your own. Love her in action and word, like Christ loves the Church. The Devil will try to break your commitment down to shatter your marriage however he can. You need to pursue wisdom that helps you be a Godly husband. Associate with other christian couples who have weathered the lean years of marriage. Put your mind on things that increase your commitment to be a loving leader in your home. Remember in everything you put your hand and mind to, the Master must be first. Do not neglect to grow in His word, prayers, and worship. When these things are in place, the journey can be more than a day to day gloom of survival and regrets.
---Poppa_Bear on 9/12/11|
//Divorce is never permitted, however if a spouse walks AWAY from their marriage the remaining spouse is FREE to remarry.
---Rhonda on 9/12/11//
Rhonda, can you please give the scripture reference where Jesus said this? Or even the Apostle Paul or Peter said this?
Because this is ERRONEOUS teaching you are putting out there.
Jesus never said if a spouse walks away, the other one is free to remarry - where is THAT in scripture? It isn't in there and you are adding to the word of God, or rather DISTORTING it and the book of Revelation said there is a place in hell for people who do this.
---anon on 9/12/11|
You should have thought about this before you married. Not much you can do now but work on it and try to make it godly. if you are saved and she is not, your work is cut out for you and vice versa. The blush must be off the rose now, and you can see what and who, you married. Once you marry, its too late to ask these type questions. Its time to work now. And deal with what is.
---Robyn on 9/12/11|
Divorce is never permitted, however if a spouse walks AWAY from their marriage the remaining spouse is FREE to remarry.
ONLY religious cultss want many to believe their LIE making abandoned spouses pay for the sin of a spouse leaving their marriage ...YOU are not here to PAY for anyone elses sins ...you were faithful to your marriage until your wife walked away
otherwise GOD would be very sadistic forcing a person to live a life in exile (unmarried for the rest of their days) because their once-spouse exercised their free will and walked away
Christ did not concern himself with those who WALKED AWAY from HIM and neither should you
give your WIFE your full attention leave the past behind and focus on GODS TRUTH
---Rhonda on 9/12/11|
Dont become a bishop, elder or deacon, 1 timothee 3.
mistakes happen, people do what isn't God's desire.
don't let guilt ruin your life and follow what directions Christ gave, if your allready in ministry walk away from that.
even Jesus agreed that wickedness is the cause of divorce.
next to this no sending away of a new wife is requered.
---andy3996 on 9/12/11|
Do you love her like Christ loved the church? Does she submit to you in love? Does she lift you up to be a better man? Are you crazy about her? If, yes sounds pretty Godly to me. What you are feeling from previous marriage is guilt from Satan trying to break you down. Forget about the previous marraige because you are a new creation. "For I come to give life and life to its fullest" John 10:10.
---Scott1 on 9/12/11|