Brother Not Speaking To Me
My brother does not speak to me since our Dad died. He has fix list before he will forgive me. We both are believers. his list includes things never even said or done, so it is impossible to fix or explain. He won't see me. Should he be withholding forgiveness? I cant even tell him this. Is this biblical?
Moderator - Have another family member or friend help to bring peace to the situation.
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---Mikeman on 11/7/11
Helpful Blog Vote (2)
Mikeman, I'm in the same situation with my sister. She just wouldn't forgive my father for twenty (20) years.
I go and tell her he's dying, he's in the hospital, he has cancer. She came and was friendly to me UNTIL she got HER SHARE OF THE ESTATE. On June 21 of this year she literally threw me out of the family and my mother was right there and agreed with her.
This stuff hurts, but we as Christ followers need and have to forgive so we don't develop a "root of bitterness."
As you pray for your brother for God to soften his heart and loose the Holy Spirit to convict him, eventually your brother will see the truth of things. It may take years but eventually he will come around, people usually do in time.
---anon on 11/9/11|
My grandfather and his brother got into a scrap and did not speak to each other for decades. When his brother decided to make up with my grandfather, he wrote him a letter but alas, my grandfather had already passed away.
We were able to locate some of my great uncles offspring but never was able to establish any relationship with them.
Best to mend bridges while there is yet an opportunity.
---lee1538 on 11/8/11|
I think my brother feels there needs to be some sort of payment made by us all. After the death of a close family member I have heard emotions tend to rise. However, he cannot give us a pass, we would be getting away with it - in his mind. I appreciate all your advice. I dont believe he has ever fully understood where HE stood before God saved him. I know how sinful I am - so I could never demand perfection from anyone - when I cannot meet it myself. I love him so much, perhaps time will soften him...he's looking for some 'works' here, that we cannot possibly meet.
---Mikeman on 11/8/11|
Mikeman, are you sure he is a believer? Because it sounds like there are two Kingdoms clashing here. It sounds like your bother still lives in the kingdom of darkness, satan's kingdom where satan doesn't encourage his followers to forgive others.
You, on the other hand sound like you want to forgive and resolve things thus it sounds like you are living in the Kingdom of Light, God's Kingdom.
Pray for God to soften his heart. You keep forgiving him and tell God you do, and then release "all your cares upon Him (God)" and let God work on your brother's heart. It may take years, but if you're praying for his heart to be softened, in time, it will happen, God will do it for you my dear brother.
---anon on 11/8/11|
Inside every believer there is a battle of "Good and Evil".
If your brother does not forgive you, who is winning this battle, God or Satan?
Remind him of this battle, a battle that he is losing.
Remind your brother that Jesus taught, "If you do not forgive others, God will not forgive you." and he will be separated from God until he forgives you.
How will this effect him?
The Holy Spirit will weigh on his conscience, and Brother, that's alot of weight to carry, and the only way for him to remove the weight, is to forgive you.
---David on 11/8/11|
any advise given here should be asked about through God, close friends, and family. Only you know the situation first hand to make wise choices about trying to reconcile.
---Scott1 on 11/8/11|
Your brother will never be healed (have closure) if he continues to want you to confess to what hasn't happened.
Your brother wants you to lie and ask forgiveness for what happened in HIS POINT OF VIEW because he doesn't care about 'TRUTH'.
1 Peter 4:8 does not say that love FORGIVES (TRUE LOVE will not require or even REQUEST forgiveness because the wrongdoing is "COVERED" by LOVE FOR EACH OTHER).
"love covers a multitude of sins".
...(after remorse is sincerely felt/shown).
....or is the truth that SOMEBODY ELSE is responsible for what your brother blames YOU for?......is your brother partly responsible?.
---more_excellent_way on 11/7/11|
Of course, it is not Biblical to be unforgiving. I believe you already know that.
There could be many reasons for his beliefs that he was wronged.
1. He could be mentally ill, and have delusions of being wronged. If so, he would need medication and treatment to help this.
2. He could be projecting things that someone else did onto the family.
3. He could be remembering childhood spats, but only seeing them as an adult offense.
You should pray, and do what scriptures says. Take an objective believer with you, and go to your brother and ask what you can do to reconcile your relationship. Apologize for any wrongs you may not remember.
---Trish on 11/7/11|
Yes you can, you can tell him. I don,t believe in forcing a relationship when the other party is accusatory. Perhaps he has misplaced grief, and blames you because your Dad is gone. Sometimes when people are hurting and grieving their pain is targeted upon a family member or someone close, however misplaced it may be. I believe in tough love, so my approach would be to tell him outright to grow up, man up, death is a part of life and misblaming anyone will not make the dead come back to life and only alienates yourself from those family members that you should be embracing during your loss.
---Eloy on 11/7/11|
He believes he is right, and everyone else is wrong the martyr type, strong in his thinking. My mother and sister are in the same boat as me. He has taken his kids away from us all.It has been 6 years and I am scared as his kids are beginning to forget us. My mom, sister and myself have practically begged him for ANY type of conversation to clear the misunderstandings. He wants ALL of what HE believes was done wrong fixed most are only in his head, and never happened... he speaks to none of the family and will return cards, or run away (as he did when he saw me in a store) please help- My question to the group is : is it biblical to withhold forgiveness until his list is met? If I meet the 100 items, I feel he will come up with 100 more...
---Mikeman on 11/7/11|
Very often, family members interact with each other in harmful ways. They often resolve their differences in a peaceful and emotional way, yet the issue of forgiveness never is even THOUGHT OF,.....that's because, we, human beings feel that....
.....LOVE MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY.
Jesus fulfilled THE REQUIREMENTS NECESSARY in order for humanity to be reconciled to Him. OUR forgiveness of each other doesn't mean the same thing. (different principle).
When you ask someone to forgive you, you are belittling/mocking their pain that you caused them......DON'T ask your brother forgiveness.
---more_excellent_way on 11/7/11|
The woman in Luke 7:38 wiped The Lord's feet with "living water" that came from her "heart of FLESH".
GOD'S SPIRIT agrees with "THE WATER and the blood" (1 John 5:8, a heart and soul built of LOVE and also redeemed by the blood of Jesus).
John 7:38 "Out of his heart shall flow RIVERS" (only a caring heart can have 'rivers flow' from it....a holy heart).
Care about your brother's pain, then the holy person you are will "neither thirst", Revelation 7:16).
The water that also poured at the cross is that we should have a gentle HEART OF FLESH (1 John 5:6).
---more_excellent_way on 11/7/11|
What i forgot to mention is that after some years both sides of the family discovered the other one was praying for reconciliation yet both where too stuborn to admit joined guilt. once it became clear both parts of the family have come back toghether, and yes we as a family are stronger then ever. PS never listen to what "friends who will tell you what the brother really said, twothirds of them are just happy to keep the quarrel alive, and the other third part is just too stupid to know when to shut up.
forgive and forget
---andy3996 on 11/7/11|
This is why Jesus said love your enemies. I know it is hard but try to serve/love him in some sort of fashion maybe small events at first. My friend had to do this to get back into relationship with his step-mom. You might see what he perseves or you did wrong and grow a little. Don't worry about his sin God will deal with that in His time.
---Scott1 on 11/7/11|
If your brother has a list of grievances and grudges, yet will not discuss them with you to resolve them, the problem is clearly his and not yours.
I've been in a similar situation.
Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 11/7/11|
we had the same problem for years in my parents family, truth said to forgive and forget is the only way out. on the other hand Moderator is right but what if the angry brother is the head of the family?
all you can do is pray and God will ointervene one day
---andy3996 on 11/7/11|