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Tell Daughter About Affair

My wife had numerous affairs 40 years ago. She filed for divorce and lived with a quy and became pregnant. We remarried and I raised her as my daughter. She keeps asking why she doesn't look like anyone in the family. If we tell her, she will know her mother was an adulter. Do we tell her what happened?

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 ---Ron on 4/27/12
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Thanks for the replys. I have been fasting two meals a day and praying for my wife and daughter. I owe everything that brought me through this to God. Please pray that things go well for us.
---Ron on 5/1/12

Ron...Your daughter has the right to know the truth for many reasons. You and your wife have lived a lie for too long. Your daughter does not need the details. Chances are that someone in your family has already told your daughter the truth and she just wants to hear it from you.
---KarenD on 4/30/12

What if my daughter ask why my wife divorced me. Do I tell her I caught my wife in an affair?
---Ron on 4/30/12

Since your daughter is in her 40s, it would be totally appropriate for her to learn the truth. Your wife does not have to go into great detail about her daughter's father. Just that you and she were divorced, and that she lived with someone, became pregnant, and that you raised the child as your own. Nothing more is necessary. Your wife may be surprised by your daughter's understanding of the situation. It would be a great opportunity to share God's love, grace and forgiveness with her, and how the Lord heals marriages and relationships.
---Trish on 4/30/12

My wife does not want to share details about what happened. Is my wife right?

I would say so just that it happened in a weak period of life maybe some overall details during that time, but focus more on the life after the remarriage and life now. Apology and forgiveness a lot both sides.
---Scott1 on 4/30/12

Thanks for all who have replied. My wife has not cheated on me after we remarried. My daughter is now in her 40s. I do agree that she needs a 1 on 1 with my wife. My wife does not want to share details about what happened. Is my wife right?
---Ron on 4/30/12

RIGHTS are very good (yes they are, RIGHTS are good and great). But RIGHTS did not come from the heart of the woman who washed Jesus's feet (she did not have a heart of stone). TEARS OF SORROW (LOVE) flowed from her heart.

Objectively, the daughter came from an INSANE, CHAOTIC place. A YOUNG GIRL would not be glad to know that.

....she likely would have SHAME (and also feel GUILT that she is a "false child"). An IDENTITY CRISIS is very severe.

Try to have TEARS OF SORROW (living water) for the child who finds out that they came from insanity and chaos. Rights are partisan and prudish.

...The "flesh" is not innately evil, it is simply the WEAKNESS of being mortal.
---more_excellent_way on 4/29/12

Family,my own life almost died becuz yes,this same type secret. For over 10 yrs. Doc' by No fault of his but,womanwho raised me later,find out on my own Not real mother...And do not look like her hardly,altho' real mother & adopt are related. Now,look alot like real mother and they both kept this secret which has caused me lots of taking meds Not for me.Family secrets have attribute (my health problems) thankGod! He looks out for me.... I am sad could not have relationship with my birth mother.They separated me from her years!Family secrets almost destroyed my life! I did know NOT real mother's med.History! Now I know some piece together!No longer alive.
---ELENA on 4/29/12

It would be wise to tell, but under very planned circumstances. 1. Both you and you wife should do it together. In fact, it might be wise for the wife to tell her. 2. Do not to it when you are upset. 3. Point out this was a sin, but God forgives all sin. ("I'm not perfect, just forgiven" is something you may want to point out.) 4. For the daughters own piece of mind, and for medical reasons, she should know as much detail as possible. 5. Make sure the daughter knows this is not a "finger pointing" matter. While you didn't state the age of the daughter, don't tell her more than she can understand.
---wivv on 4/28/12


I think a person has a right to know where he/she came from. If for no other reason, it will be important from a medical perspective (as Trish pointed out). Her mother's transgression has denied her her proper genes. Why should it also deny her her history as well?

I agree such information should not be forced on a child at a young age, but when she is mature enough, she should know.

Far from being traumatic, this information may also be helpful. The fact that her father treats her like his own means he must really love her, because otherwise he wouldn't have to.

I was adopted as an infant, and my parents never made any secret about it. I'm glad they told me, and it never caused me any problems.
---StrongAxe on 4/28/12

If, and when, she is an adult, you and your wife should talk to her together. Your wife should tell her the circumstances surrounding her birth father, not you. You should tell her about your love for her. She should know that she has a father by genetics, especially for health concerns in the future. Doctors always ask about family histories of heart disease, cancer, stroke and diabetes.
---Trish on 4/28/12

When I was 24 I discovered hard evidence that I had a sister that my father had always denied existing since I was 12.

I got over it.

Christ is risen!
---Cluny on 4/28/12

Do you mean that you remarried the woman who DIVORCED you and she also CHEATED on you, and then, the cheater that she "shacked up" with gave her a baby that you decided to raise as your own?

....and you want to explain all this insanity to your daughter?.

Do you really think your daughter should be exposed to this?. To her, this would be a TRAUMATIC experience. A child does not need any more confusion and shock than everyday life has for childhood. Your daughter is not in need of a dose of insanity, shame, and self-hatred.

It's better for you and your wife to keep your secret a secret than to ruin your daughter's brain by sharing your guilt with her.
---more_excellent_way on 4/28/12

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