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Funniest Bible Quote

What is the funniest thing that you have read in the bible?

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 ---francis on 6/17/13
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aka witnesses?

How many people call themselves witnesses today, even here on CN?
And of those how many do you believe?
And of those how many are speaking the truth.

If we could go back in time and ask some of the witnesses, what did you see?
I know many would say a man arguing with a donkey.
Some would say a donkey speaking.
How many would say angel?

In this story I really only see one true witness.
Sounds as if I'm saying only the ones who see everything can be witnesses.
No! Only to those that it is given to be witnesses are true witnesses.

Not because they believe they are. Are they!
Even if they don't believe God can use them. Pharaoh!
---TheSeg on 6/24/13


what about all the witnesses to a man arguing with a donkey?!?!

road rage has been around for a while or perhaps the beginning of talking to the annoying gps.
---aka on 6/23/13


Genesis 30:14 And Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest, and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes.

Genesis 30:15 And she said unto her, [Is it] a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? and wouldest thou take away my son's mandrakes also? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes.

Genesis 30:16 And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me, for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.
---francis on 6/23/13

aka when I read what Mary wrote.
I got to say I started laughing even more!
/not so much the donkey talking to him but the man arguing with him!/
When I got up this morning, first thing was look in the mirror. OMG HA HA HA

I got the picture of a man yelling at a donkey and the donkey just looking at him in bewilderment. Thinking!

But I say, Have they not heard? Yes verily, their sound went into all the earth, and their words unto the ends of the world.
But I say, Did not Israel know? First Moses saith, I will provoke you to jealousy by them that are no people, and by a foolish nation I will anger you.
---TheSeg on 6/23/13

OMG, it's so funny!
Here proof that an ass can speak! Ha ha ha! ---theSeq

we only need cnet for that. :-)

God bless you, too.
---aka on 6/22/13

The story is told (Judges 12) of how the Gileadites used a password to tell their friends from foes:

Whenever an Ephraimite survivor of the battle with the Gileadites asked them for permission to cross over the fords of the Jordan, leading back to his home in Ephraim, the Gileadites would ask the man, Are you an Ephraimite? If he said, No, they said, All right, say Shibboleth. If he said, Sibboleth, because he couldn't dialectally pronounce the word correctly, they seized & killed him.

I don't think killing is the least bit funny! But, it's ingeniously funny how the Gileadites effectively used a password to discern friends from foes. It reminds me of how today some people say y'all while others say you all. :)
---Leon on 6/21/13

Daniel 11:27 And both these kings' hearts shall be to do mischief, and they shall speak lies at one table,

is lies at one table worse than lies at two or more tables?
---francis on 6/21/13

In the beginning there was the word.
---atheistc on 6/21/13

To me, the absolute funniest thing in the Bible is the man actually arguing with his donkey, not so much the donkey talking to him but the man arguing with him! :D That cracks me up! :D
---Mary on 6/20/13

I thought the story of Elijah's challenge to the priests of Baal (1 Kings 18:22-29) was very funny: The priest called on their god from morning til noon to consume the sacrifice they'd prepared & got no response ~ NADA. So, Elijah mocked them & their god by encouraging the priest to shout loudly to their god. Elijah implied (tongue in cheek) their god was perhaps hard of hearing or was distracted (busy) doing something else OR was perhaps away on vacation "OR" simply was a very, VERY sound sleeper & required the priest to vocally alarm him out of a deep slumber in la la land. :)
---Leon on 6/19/13

Judges 21:20 Therefore they commanded the children of Benjamin, saying, Go and lie in wait in the vineyards,

Judges 21:21 And see, and, behold, if the daughters of Shiloh come out to dance in dances, then come ye out of the vineyards, and catch you every man his wife of the daughters of Shiloh, and go to the land of Benjamin.

Judges 21:23 And the children of Benjamin did so, and took [them] wives, according to their number, of them that danced, whom they caught: and they went and returned unto their inheritance, and repaired the cities, and dwelt in them.
---francis on 6/19/13

II KINGS 2:22-25a

"So the waters were healed unto this day, according to the saying of Elisha which he spake.

And he (Elisha) went up from thence unto Beth'el:
and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, 'Go up, thou bald head! Go up, thou bald head!' (Get outta here, baldy! Get outta here, baldy!)

And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the Name of the LORD.

And, there came forth two she-bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

And he went from thence to Mount Carmel..."

I just think it's funny. The little brats deserved it.

GOD defends HIS Prophets and HIS people!
---Gordon on 6/19/13

aka! Oh man that's so funny a spit fly!
I can see it! Then you have to love this one too.

Num_22:30 And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? And he said, Nay.

OMG, it's so funny!
Here proof that an ass can speak! Ha ha ha!

God Bless You
---TheSeg on 6/18/13

One of the funniest stories I've read in the Bible (1 Sam. 24) is where David is running for his life from King Saul. Saul has to relieve himself ("cover his feet", #2) & seeks privacy in a cave. Little does he know David & his men are hiding nearby the cave & they observe him as he squats down uncovered & unprotected. David has a perfect opportunity to kill Saul, but instead chooses to get just close enough to secretly cut a piece of Saul's clothing off as the king excretes. Must've been an ungodly odorous event for David. :) Afterwards, from a distance, David shouts to Saul & tells him how close he himself came to being killed while he discharged waste.

---Leon on 6/19/13


that cracks me up too. the images in my head of that.

Gal 2:11 But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned.

Imagine the spit fly!

Gal 5:12 I wish those who unsettle you would emasculate themselves!

Extreme circumcision!
---aka on 6/18/13

Genesis 31:34 Now Rachel had taken the images, and put them in the camel's furniture, and sat upon them. And Laban searched all the tent, but found them not.

Genesis 31:35 And she said to her father, Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee, for the custom of women is upon me. And he searched, but found not the images.
---francis on 6/18/13

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I think Isaia"s horse was named "Isme", because he said "whoa Isme"!
---1st_cliff on 6/18/13

2 Kings 18:27 KJV
But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?

Glory to Jesus Christ!
---Cluny on 6/18/13

When I read this I laugh!

Act 19:13 Then certain of the vagabond Jews, exorcists, took upon them to call over them which had evil spirits the name of the Lord Jesus, saying, We adjure you by Jesus whom Paul preacheth.
Act 19:14 And there were seven sons of one Sceva, a Jew, and chief of the priests, which did so.
Act 19:15 And the evil spirit answered and said, Jesus I know, and Paul I know, but who are ye?
Act 19:16 And the man in whom the evil spirit was leaped on them, and overcame them, and prevailed against them, so that they fled out of that house naked and wounded.

Got to be the best!
---TheSeg on 6/17/13

Genesis31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:
32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father, and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.
34 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also, and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.
---atheist on 6/17/13

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John 9:27 the formerly blind man says to the Pharisees "will ye be his disciples also?"

I can't read it without laughing. That man spoke plainly and boldly and they "reviled him"

Love it.
---Pharisee on 6/17/13

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